[TrailRunner14]

Any experiences with this?

[TrailRunner14]

So. I started this thread last night Then I edited it. It was still too "in that moment" but I would like to put it here now. There is absolutely no one that I can talk to about this that would hear me and possibly understand except my counselor and hopefully someone here.

**** TRIGGER ****

When I got to my counselors office last night I was mildly triggered. I usually am. My feet and hands tingle and I'm there but not 100%. There was an emotion there and I told him I thought I was angry. When we talked about that the tingling in my hands and feet intensified.

Things start getting fragmented from that point on. We talked about taking a more physical approach to help ground me. I've used yoga before and it helped but I was so "off" I couldn't do it because I couldn't balance. Walked around the room a bit and wound up siting on the floor.

There was this shaky vibration in my chest. I've not experienced it before. I don't think I know any other way to describe it. It felt cold and it was kind of scary.

My counselor gave me some paper and asked me to write or draw what I thought the anger was. I was going to tear it up and throw it away. I just felt confused. I couldn't think of anything or see anything to draw. All I could think about was the shaky vibration in my chest.

He asked me to write the word "shaky" on the paper. My hand was shaking so bad I could hardly write it. Then! My hand didn't look like mine anymore. It's like the vibration in my chest moved to my hand and it drew a picture. When it was finished, it stopped. The shaky vibration in my chest and hand was gone too.

I've had an experience before with an anxiety episode and my hands vibrated/shook but this was different.

I titled the thread somatic drawing, because that is what came to my mind, trying to sort out what had happened. Put a name to it. It may be called something else. I don't know.

Has anyone else experienced this before?

[L.P.]

I, myself, have not done much of anything by way of writing or drawing in regards to healing. Others in my system have. It has never been my thing.

W you describe sounds fascinating. It seems a very beneficial and cleansing way to embrace a feeling and let it go. It reminds me of directed breathing to let go of sensations, but in a tangible form. That is poetry to me. Beautiful, really... to embrace something with such entirety and let it pass. Literally letting it go as it has been formed on paper. Cleansing poetry.

I also have to give you much credit for allowing such a thing to occur by going with it. From the start, the experience sounds very disturbing, yet you went with it. I applaud your ability to allow it and not fight it. That takes courage. Kudos to you. I do hope you are feeling better now since this has occurred. Despite the fact I find it beautiful, I can see how it would be disturbing to say the least. I do hope this finds you well.

-Amsterdam

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you LP for your reply! No kudos here though. The way that it happened I don't believe that I had the ability to decide whether I wanted to see it through or not.

I believe that may be the most disturbing part of what happened. That, and the fact of watching my hand draw a picture of something that I could not reproduce again if I tried. It was truly as if, the vibration/shaking in my chest transferred itself onto the paper.

The initial plan, was to write or draw what was making me angry, tear it up and throw it away. What drew itself was not what made me angry. What was drawn was kept and is in a safe place, and it would like to stay there for now, or I would share that with you. Maybe later.

I've Googled "somatic drawing" and haven't really come up with anything. Maybe what happened has a different name. I don't know.

I am feeling a bit better. Talking about it has helped. I'm still feeling emotions from it that I am trying to sort out.

Thank you again!!

[Luce]

So it seems like another alter was using the hand to draw while you were still the 'main one' in charge of the body? Is that what you mean? Kinda like a split co-habitation?

We may or may not have had similar experiences with drawing... I very vaguely recall some 'automatic' type drawings that were done when I wasn't one of the front ones, but I don't now enough about that to expand further.

However, this seems a little similar to me so I will mention it... more recently we have had curious experiences with simultaneously videoing and typing as a way of communicating with those inside. I turn on the video, leave it running in the background and then type questions to whichever alter I am trying to communicate with. Sometimes that has resulted in curious switching back and forth, or even co-presence where in the video I am typing a question while another alter is 'out' and responding in body language or speech even while I am still typing. Sometimes there is a switch back to me when I am typing and then you can see the alter come out again to respond, and sometimes we are both there (me typing, them in body) at the same time. It is bizarre and fascinating to watch back on the videos and time match the typed text to the responses.
So I guess that is kinda similar in some way???

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you Luce!

I'm so trying to understand what happened. Im not sure about the terms you use, I'm sorting this out as I go . If it's ok, I'd like to kind of walk through it.

Just want to say to anyone else reading this.

*** TRIGGER WARNING ***

I remember talking about the anger I was feeling. Pretty fragmented after that, but I do know that sitting on the floor and stretching my legs helped me. I can't explain how, but it did. Maybe it truly grounded me to where I was right then.

The vibration/shaky feeling in my chest was already there from us talking about the anger. We talked about some things, not really sure what they were, and then my counselor brought me a clip board with paper and a pen.

He asked me to write or draw what was making me angry and my mind was so confused! I couldn't "see" anything!! So, he asked me to write the word "shaky" because that was all I could come up with. My hand was shaking so badly that I could hardly write the word. After that, my hand was still shaking and he encouraged me to just let it write/draw what it wanted to.

My hand took up the vibration/shaky feeling that was in my chest and drew a picture. On its own! I had no control over it and it did not look like my hand. I was a passenger watching it happen.

When the picture/image was done there was a release and the pen fell out of my hand. The feeling in my chest was gone. It was like a release. It was finding a part of myself, I believe, don't really want to explain. I've spent the day trying to sort it out

It was disturbing and ? At the same time.

???

[Luce]

Sounds like a great tool for emotional expression if you ask me.
One thing that is helping me lately is to not question the whys, hows and whats of things that happen within me, and just accept them as they are. Doing this has taken me much further, much faster than all the years of questioning myself and needing to understand (aka validate) why things were the way they were. It 'is'; and that is enough.

[TrailRunner14]

I agree with you! There is a part of me that wants validation. Reasons. Answers.

Like in a thread I read about ANP and EP parts. They both want to be heard and validated. I gained much knowledge from that thread. It resonated with me also.

This is a roller coaster ride!! But, it's one that I want to understand. Like that's going to give me some kind of control over it... right?

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

Sounds like a great tool for emotional expression if you ask me.
One thing that is helping me lately is to not question the whys, hows and whats of things that happen within me, and just accept them as they are. Doing this has taken me much further, much faster than all the years of questioning myself and needing to understand (aka validate) why things were the way they were. It 'is'; and that is enough.

I so hope you take this with an understanding smile - but I just want to yell at you!! That's NOT what I wanted to hear.

I wanted words of understanding and realism. Well....

You are right! That's how my journey through this has been to begin with. Don't push. Listen. Accept. Love. Be a safe place.

I know. Thank you!!

Freak outs happen as I go down this road.

[TrailRunner14]

It's a safe place here to be able to talk about it and be ok.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I wanted words of understanding and realism. Well....

Do you mean you wanted someone to tell you... what exactly was happening for you in that moment? That it *couldn't* happen that way? I am not sure what you mean (and I am not offended in the slightest.)

Or do you mean you wanted someone to validate that an alter or some other force did actually take control of your hand?

(To be honest that would be my best guess - that an alter took control of your hand... instead of coming fully forward took partial control and did what he or she needed to do).

[Luce]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

It's a safe place here to be able to talk about it and be ok.

That it is.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

That it is.

Thank you!! ((( hug back )))

Not sure how to respond to your earlier reply. My brain hurts. Forgive me please.

Thank you for hearing me.

[Luce]

It is quite okay if you don't.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

It is quite okay if you don't.

Thank you for hearing me yesterday. When I get in those places I either flip out and shut down or "babble". I think I am somewhere in between. You helped me much!!

I've Googled today looking for an explanation or some kind of validation for what I experienced. If Google doesn't know what to think, that's a curious place to be.

I've been working with my counselor for about 3 years. I'm not diagnosed with anything, and to be honest, I don't want to be. It's just what it is, and I'm walking through it. The word "alter" kind of bothers me, not any fault of yours, but just going back to not being "diagnosed" with an "issue" helps me deal with the working through it better. That sounded weird. ?

I think what I'm trying to say is that I want to deal with the issues as they appear, and not claim a particular issue. Hope that makes sense.

I did find a reference to a book "Waking the Tiger" several times in my searching, and ordered it today. Another book!

Anyway!! I just wanted to say thank you for hearing me, in my state, and being there.

[ruh roh]

Hi TR14,

I have not had what I would call somatic drawing, but I have found that art--drawing and sculpting--brings out others. The first sculpture was a little shocking because I had not done it before and the result was surprising. My therapist is keeping it until it's safe to have at home. Drawing can go either way--it can be a positive expression of something someone wants to communicate, or invite someone who is destructive.

I'm not sure if this relates to your experience at all, just that I've found creative arts to be powerful. Also, good for therapy discussion.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I've been working with my counselor for about 3 years. I'm not diagnosed with anything, and to be honest, I don't want to be. It's just what it is, and I'm walking through it. The word "alter" kind of bothers me, not any fault of yours, but just going back to not being "diagnosed" with an "issue" helps me deal with the working through it better. That sounded weird. ?

I think what I'm trying to say is that I want to deal with the issues as they appear, and not claim a particular issue. Hope that makes sense.

Words can definitely change our perception of something.
How about a 'dissociative experience'?

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Hi TR14,

I have not had what I would call somatic drawing, but I have found that art--drawing and sculpting--brings out others. The first sculpture was a little shocking because I had not done it before and the result was surprising. My therapist is keeping it until it's safe to have at home. Drawing can go either way--it can be a positive expression of something someone wants to communicate, or invite someone who is destructive.

I'm not sure if this relates to your experience at all, just that I've found creative arts to be powerful. Also, good for therapy discussion.

Thank you ruh roh! Your screen name makes me smile!

Somatic drawing may not be a legitimate "term" but it's all I could come up with to put a name to it. I'm much more comfortable sorting something out if it has a name and "definition" and I can understand it. There doesn't seem to be an explanation that I can understand or relate to this.

My counselor and I have talked about drawing and sculpting before. It sounds like something I would be open to try.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

Words can definitely change our perception of something.
How about a 'dissociative experience'?

Yes. I have come to accept and even embrace the "D" word. It is actually a friend, when I don't want to be all here.

You did make a suggestion in an earlier post about an alter. I don't know how to feel about that. It does make sense, but it is certainly a lot to wrap my brain around.

Thank you!!

Monday can't get here quickly enough!

[ruh roh]

I started learning sculpture on my own, outside of therapy, just for something that I thought would be a relaxing thing to do. What happened during sculpting (and the results of it) brought out something I needed to understand in therapy. It's been a great addition to the work there (along with drawing which my therapist has always encouraged--it just took me forever to trust doing that and sharing anything with her).

[TrailRunner14]

My appointment with my counselor is tonight. I'm spending the day counting the time down so we can talk about the drawing that "happened" last week.

My mind is going back and walking back through how it happened and it's making me feel anxious.

There's the shocked disbelief of watching a hand that was not mind shaking and drawing the picture. We talked about a few things after that happened, but I can't recall them. I was hijacked and had switched seats with someone. Not sure who.

It was like the most normal thing had just happened, to my counselor. It appeared that way anyway. I'm waking out of his office looking perfectly "all there". Inside, something was quietly freaking out, saying, "Wait!!!" "What just happened?!"

I think it's just the feeling of me looking perfectly all there, but experiencing being so gone.

Does that make any sense?

It will be ok. It will.

I'll think of you guys and what we have talked about!

I've never had it happen with drawing, but I've experienced something like it with poems before. I am aware of starting a poem, but then suddenly I realize I'm done and I read the poem and have no memory of writing most of it. Weird when it happens but I've come to just accept it cuz when I told t about it she wasn't concerned, just acted like it was normal too. Sending safe hugs as you work through this experience.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you Art. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It just struck me that it may be the emotions, of the part of me that hijacked me, that I am feeling mixed with wanting to understand.

The safe hugs are greatly appreciated!

[ruh roh]

"I think it's just the feeling of me looking perfectly all there, but experiencing being so gone."

It's called the hidden disorder for good reason.

Hope your session went well, trailrunner.

[Out There]

Maybe googling " automatic writing " would give more information , I think Jung did work with it. I hope it doesn't frighten you.