[Claritytoo]

in the past dealing with people was doable. Even if it was confrontational, but now just the thought that someone might want to talk to me causes me anxiety. I don't know why. I am going to ask my t. If I can figure out why I think I will be able to keep a job. I used to work all the time. I had one job for 22 years and was good at it. Now I can't imagine having to talk to people. I want a job with the local village but if I stop showing up suddenly I will never get hired again. I need to know I am able to leave the house and deal with people. Has anyone else had this type of thing happen?

[elevatedsoul]

i do

some times are much worse than others.. like currently... instead of being the party guy thats lime light of the party things have changed and too much anxiety keeps me from being to communicate at all..
i can't work because of things like this, but i dont really have any advice..
hope you can figure something out and maybe share with me

[Claritytoo]

Something just dawned on me. This feeling of dread of going out is the same feeling I would have on having to go to school. I got picked on a lot in school because I dressed badly and didn't trust others. I dreaded going to school becaues of he ridicule and violence. Back than kids would knock things out of my hands, call me names and threaten me with violence. Some of that stopped when Ii started punching them back but it was still extremely stressful and hurtful to be faced with that everyday. Many times I would walk around the block and when my mother left for work I would go back into the house. I was alone so no one could hurt me. Those times always felt safe, warm and good. This anxiety or dread of having to go out near people feels very similar. I am safe if I just avoid people. Only now I see it as fear and not self preservation. I am still confused. And I am getting light headed writing this

[elevatedsoul]

i couldnt agree more, though another reason i didnt want to go to school was because i wanted to stay home and take care of mother, protect her from violence... trust has always been a difficult thing with me... its easier to just avoid everyone

I was alone so no one could hurt me. Those times always felt safe, warm and good. This anxiety or dread of having to go out near people feels very similar. I am safe if I just avoid people.

[Michael W. Harris]

When I first started trying to get help for my dissociative disorder, I did not have an overpowering fear of other people. That was in 1992.

Now I am totally paranoid. I have applied at five, or should I say I wrote, employment agencies in Athens and told them that I would do anything for minimum wage. I have two college degrees and am an honorably discharged Vet. No word from them. I am too paranoid to hound an agency for a job.

Since 1999 I have done over four years of incarceration. The last conviction was illegal but I still did over two years in Orange County Jail and the Department of Corrections in Florida on that conviction. Orlando police officers jumped on me in my apartment because my significant other was pissed at me and told them that I was psychotic and making threats. I got a battery on a law enforcement charge. I hit him but only after opening my door and having a stranger lunge at me at 2:00 in the morning. They had gotten Diane to knock on the door and call my name. Diane took all my savings while the State had me. She knew that I was in a mental breakdown and trying to get to a mental health professional who understood dissociation. This incident went on from 2004 to the fall of 2008. Once they violated me for stopping and buying chewing tobacco without permission. I did four months on that.

My significant others, especially my Mom, had overt contact with my alter personalities. My alters would tell them stuff or to do things that always had a harmful effect on my life. But I could scream at them that I had multiple personality disorder and they never listened. My alters are not sane. One just wants to prove he is psychic so he tells people things that will happen but he does it in such an obnoxious manner it pisses people off. Then he manipulates things to make his prediction come true. By things, I mean me.

I have been trying to get to a mental health professional who was qualified in dissociative disorders since 1992. I have read all the books on the mental illness and even put myself in the Charter Hospital in Plano, Texas just so I could talk to patients.

When I moved to Athens, Ga. hoping to get help, I told the mental health staff at this VA Clinic that I had a dissociative disorder and I wanted to be referred to a specialist. Nothing! I have gotten no help. This makes me extremely paranoid. Now I believe that I am a victim of the Blue Bird experiments and am being deliberately denied treatment. (I believe that my Mom told mental health professionals when I was a child that I was hypnotizable. I believe that they have screwed with me while I was sleeping since early childhood. I am positive that someone in Orlando knew how to trigger me into these other personalities and did it on a regular basis. I have some vague memories. I really do not know if they were experimenting on me with hypnosis or just triggering me into these other states.)

So now I just stay in my apartment and binge drink. I do not know what to do any more. I don't know how to get a job. I don't know how to talk with the employment agencies. Next October I can apply for early social security. I guess I am waiting for that.

[L.P.]

We had a host once who worked on average fifty hours a week and managed to be a single parent and manage life for a few years. At her worst point, she stayed in the house for over half a year. She was dealing with some harsh memories (flashback and body memories as well as other unpleasant imagery) and she had her hands full with coping with herself... other people were not happening. For us that was okay since it was important for us at that time to work through some heavy issues. Self care took priority. It made sense she would have had such anxiety, to us anyway.

For others in my system... some of us are just better at dealing with external matters than others. Sometimes one of us gets out of whack if we pick up on someone else or get set off by something we have yet to identify as a trigger.

Good luck figuring this out.

-Tay

[Luce]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

Something just dawned on me. This feeling of dread of going out is the same feeling I would have on having to go to school. I got picked on a lot in school because I dressed badly and didn't trust others. I dreaded going to school becaues of he ridicule and violence. Back than kids would knock things out of my hands, call me names and threaten me with violence. Some of that stopped when Ii started punching them back but it was still extremely stressful and hurtful to be faced with that everyday. Many times I would walk around the block and when my mother left for work I would go back into the house. I was alone so no one could hurt me. Those times always felt safe, warm and good. This anxiety or dread of having to go out near people feels very similar. I am safe if I just avoid people. Only now I see it as fear and not self preservation. I am still confused. And I am getting light headed writing this

That seems like a really important realization, Clarity. No wonder it is so hard for you to leave the house! I imagine at the slightest inkling of possible harm or vulnerability you want to retreat immediately to your home, and stay there.
This is the kind of thing that a trauma t can help with, even if it isn't possible to see one often.
I deal with a similar thing, though not as extreme. In structural dissociation it is sometimes called a 'phobia of traumatic material'. There is trauma associated with being out in the world, and trauma associations are avoided because a) they cause dissociation and b) they cause intrusive traumatic recall. So one tries to 'stay in the safety zone' by avoiding any traumatic association. When the traumatic association is being out of the house it can narrow one's ability to experience life considerably.
But a trauma therapist can definitely help with that kind of thing.
There is hope!

People didn't bother me at first until I figured out....me. Now I'm all kinds of terrified....but I get up and put on my work clothes every morning because that's what we have to do- nvr mind all the anxiety.

Nobody knows what I deal with on a day to day/moment to moment basis. Of course I let them in on enough lather like PTSD and bipolar.....just to enough to sway from the real deal: an excuse.

But like all of our life....it goes over our head and we try to not get triggered...especially badly. I'd much rather be in a hospital bed or solitary confinement....but it takes work to exist and we are willing to give it all we got till life says otherwise.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by Luce

That seems like a really important realization, Clarity. No wonder it is so hard for you to leave the house! I imagine at the slightest inkling of possible harm or vulnerability you want to retreat immediately to your home, and stay there.
This is the kind of thing that a trauma t can help with, even if it isn't possible to see one often.
I deal with a similar thing, though not as extreme. In structural dissociation it is sometimes called a 'phobia of traumatic material'. There is trauma associated with being out in the world, and trauma associations are avoided because a) they cause dissociation and b) they cause intrusive traumatic recall. So one tries to 'stay in the safety zone' by avoiding any traumatic association. When the traumatic association is being out of the house it can narrow one's ability to experience life considerably.
But a trauma therapist can definitely help with that kind of thing.
There is hope!

Thanks. I found a t who seems to be good at cbt. I can only afford to see her once a month because she does not take my insurance. The thing that freaks me out about people is they want to talk to you about things. I don't always understand what they are saying or why they are saying it to me. I just need everything to be quite. Where i have recently moved I have met my neighbors several time. We have said hi, talked about the weather that sort of thing. But if I came face to face with them in a different environment I don't know who they are. This has already happened. I can associate them with the apartment I live in but I don't remember who they are if I see them in town or on the beach. It rattles me . It makes me feel like I am not real. Like I dropped out of the sky and suddenly strange people know me. It disturbs me. Even my t that I spent 45 minutes with. I don't remember her name or what she looks like. So before our next session I will look up the group to remind me. Maybe that will change in time I don't know. I am making myself get out of the house every two days. I was out yesterday. I don't think I will go out today. I am safe here in my home and I don't have to talk to anyone.

[Michael W. Harris]

Originally Posted by Luce

That seems like a really important realization, Clarity. No wonder it is so hard for you to leave the house! I imagine at the slightest inkling of possible harm or vulnerability you want to retreat immediately to your home, and stay there.
This is the kind of thing that a trauma t can help with, even if it isn't possible to see one often.
I deal with a similar thing, though not as extreme. In structural dissociation it is sometimes called a 'phobia of traumatic material'. There is trauma associated with being out in the world, and trauma associations are avoided because a) they cause dissociation and b) they cause intrusive traumatic recall. So one tries to 'stay in the safety zone' by avoiding any traumatic association. When the traumatic association is being out of the house it can narrow one's ability to experience life considerably.
But a trauma therapist can definitely help with that kind of thing.
There is hope!

I am not afraid of physical harm. I am afraid of the weirdness. I am afraid of the constant manipulation of my personal relationships by my alters. I am afraid of not being in control of my own mind. I am afraid of the mentality of my alters. They don't hurt people but they screw with people's minds. It is shaming for me.

[finding_my_way]

i have never felt safe/comfortable around many people. it varies as to the reason behind it, but i am mostly concerned about triggers, the others being triggered, having to navigate that while being around unfamiliar people, etc. i am lucky if i can be in a public place for a few hours and tolerate it without a trigger/someone being triggered or in a setting with people at a gathering somewhere even if it is people i know well for the same reason.

it is exhausting and takes a lot of work and effort to keep things more level. it's why i have to try to keep stress low, keep a routine, keep my environment as controlled as i can, more when things are more difficult as at times i am able to be more lenient.

but it is really hard when dealing with people overall. i also don't like that i don't know what they might be thinking about me/us and sometimes just feel incredibly vulnerable and like they can see inside or something.

i also have social anxiety, so if that is flared up, it can cause issues with dissociating, etc. too. with that, it can make it hard to hear, say things without stumbling over words, etc. and is just a mix of difficult things.

usually, it is just easier to be alone...