im back

She said if I was serious then it would take time, like months

I. Do. Not. Have. Months. Anymore you know

She told my mom that she thinks in discouraged, does it sound like in discouraged for crying out loud?!

I have no income. My dad pays for they little bit of stuff I get each month off his disability.
I can't live like this anymore.
He is an asshole about it

I am disgusted, not discouraged, motivated, for ****s sake...
The people at the clinic can't understand that then I just don't want to go back

I have severe mental Illness, but that doesn't matter, I need to work, I need some one to believe in me.
I am trying to create my own damn light at the end of the tunnel... They fail and railroad show me one.

I don't have time to wait, I need it now! I can't live off hiss money any more and im tired of the government games, the clinic s games

Does that make sense

I just can't take it any more....

I've been trying to get genitive for 7 year s

apologize... the above post is supposed to say "I've been trying to get benifits for 7 years" ... i guess auto correct murdered that one..

who ever takes the time to read these things... please bare with me...
i would say im sorry... but ive said im sorry for so many years... over so many things that i didnt do... i shouldnt be sorry about this either... im crying out for help... and the world is kicking me while im down... wounded...
so i shouldnt be sorry for crying out for help right...

i just don't know what to do... i need advice please...
i've been talking to everybody.... trying to talk to everybody...
family just says they dont know... they dont get it.. they dont understand...
im having a quarter life crisis... mental breakdown... something... and i just cant take it anymore...
the people at the clinic dont get it... my therapist said 2 times now she dont think she can help me... so why should i go see her anymore?
she made me worse... and now she's telling me she cant help me?
my case manager keeps telling me things like... you can go to the hospital... you can go to a shelter... you are applying for disability.. you just have to be patient and wait for the medications to work... wait for the disability.. going to the hospital can help...


its like no one is hearing anything i say....

does anyone here know what its like to be patient... for so long... to be positive and up beat about things for so long while being beat on and spit on by the surroundings...
while the world kicks you and laughs in your face at everything wrong in your life...
to remain patient when no medications work... through the crashing depression, burning self harm, waking up crying trying to figure out why you do the things you do, why life is the way it is, to get up and move around in the bubble, a fog, a way of being that is not alive, that is not your life, that is not you, so that things dont just fall a part...

can anyone hear me...?

i am sitting here... about to have a major panic attack because i was able to scrape up just enough to get 1 hit to try to calm my nerves enough to write one last piece before im gone for the rest of the week...

i just wanted to write...

im very very sad....
things are really not ok... i refuse to sit back and accept these things any longer...
i just refuse to sit back and allow this to happen any longer...
i refuse to wake up and let the fog take me... but it hurts, i didnt know it hurt so bad... im afraid things are falling apart because im pushing back...

its not part of the program, you know...
there is a glitch in the matrix, and its me.
but i have to do something... there is no other choice... i seen the end of the road... i seen where this all ends up if i sit back and dont do anything and i dont want that... i want different... i want happy... i want life... i want MINE.
its only fair i get a chance to live... this anxiety is crippling... physically... it makes it difficult to see... to walk... to eat...
but if i dont stop the fog from consuming me in the mornings... years will pass...
i cant lose any more time... i cant lose any more days... i cant lose any more months... no more years... i've lost too much...

i just wish someone could understand...

i want to wake up from this nightmare... and be normal...
happy... so happy. warm. fun... smiling... crying because im happy... not because im in pain...

im afraid you guys...
im afraid that im close to dieing... i cant explain the feeling you know...
its just like when you know something is going to happen... good or bad, just somethings gonna happen and you can see it coming... it just happens this feels bad... scary... like the end of the line is coming... like im running out of time...

maybe its not that im going to physically die... maybe im just grieving the death of my old self... or death of part of me... or death of something inside of me... or maybe something is merging... whatever it is it just feels scary and im afraid of it... feels like im going to die... the end of the line

does that make any sense... probably not...

i feel so alone... im surrounded by people... family... yet no one understands me...
no one can hear me...
im crying out... literally... i've been crying... in front of pretty much everyone... and all they can say are those general things like they just dont know what to do... no advice... no kind words... no help... i dont get it... i thought that maybe they could atleast say something like 'you know jacob its really hard time right now but we all here together and can survive anything as long as we stick together and we are gonna be here for you even though you feel like we cant understand we will do anything we can to try to help in anyway we can just ask us"
why cant they say something like that...?

instead i get cursed out and stuff... and told they have had problems their whole lifes too...

im so tired... i feel like i wanna go to sleep sleep... like real sleep sleep... inside sleep... but i cant because i have to stay focused... im not good at telling how much time has passed... it feels like its been a really really long time already... but at the same time not long at all... i just... i need to see something tangible... progress... i need to see something real... i need to see it happening so that i can relax... im so stressed out and cant relax because im afraid if i relax that im going to lose focus...
i cant fail... i cant slip into another 7 year "coma" i cant fail....

ill stop writing... i just wanted to write one last time before my mind took over for the rest of the week... i dont think i'll be able to control it so im going to try to stay away... im so sad.... i hate this part so much

i dont know what to do about this medication... to take it or not...
i guess i have no choice but to take what i have... so i guess im going to take the saphris and lay down...

im just getting so tired of crying myself to sleep...

goodnight you guys...

I'm so angry..

I feel so angry.

Disgusted.

Why?

I keep asking myself, why?
The answer doesn't matter. I need a solution, Fast. I can't take it.

Angry.

I'm very angry, that no one else seems to be disturbed by the way things are.

I'm just sickened, I can't iterate enough, how sickened I am.

Everything is absolutely causing me to want to grab my hair and rip it out whilst screaming "WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE".

Or is it just me?
Is all of this just me.
Angry. I'm so angry. I can't figure out what the problem is, or the why.
But it doesn't matter. I just have to be alive at the end of this, because there will be an end.
I just need the solution. My solution. The only solution I see is income, money.
I need money and I need it yesterday. I absolutely Cannot stand for this existence any more, not one more day.
So I talk with myself, What is there to do? You have problems, you have mental illness, you are sick.

*Fight ensues* I am angry.
Mental illness or not, That does not make it rain money. Money does not fall from the sky or angels come delivering hand baskets to those who need.
God does not help nor do those who are supposed to be helpers, I am Very angry.

Forced I am to Abuse myself, "Sit down and Shut up." Listen here, this is the problem.
I don't care what you have to say, this is not going Anywhere unless YOU do something about it.
For how long have you waited patiently hoping like an innocent child beaten bloodied and crying thinking that the next beating wouldn't be as bad?
You actually thought there would be a way out without YOU doing something?
Laughs, I am angry.

The solution involves your momentum, you create you receive. You are your own savior.
No one is going to pick you up out of the bloodied mud, no one is going to hold you while you cry.
There is no one to understand your pain and no one to help you answer why.
Stop asking all the wrong questions. Better yet, stop asking questions. Listen. I am angry.

Its only going to get better when you make it happen, so stop sitting on your *** and do something about it.
I'm sick. I can't eat. I am spending all of my energy on this, so now its time to make it happen.
Panic attacks? Laugh at them, you've been beaten shitless, whats a panic attack?
Anxiety? pathetic.

I'm done. Done with Mental Illness. Done with you. If you don't get your act together, I'll leave you soon too.

i just want someone to love me

u know?... i think thats big problem for me...
people say they love me... but all my life they say that and look what they do to me... or did they say it ? i dont remember...
now its hard for me to let people close to me... or i let them close too fast and i get hurt and it reinforces the negatives...

i think thats why i like to get high... it makes the pain stop... it makes me feel warm... it makes me feel good... it doesnt make me cry...

i have this problem... in my mind... i go to these places... fantasies...
they make me happy... but they aren't real... the people aren't real... they cant be real... they all in my head... but i been trying to stop doing it... and i thought to myself laying in bed maybe that why i be so mad... because i just want to go there and be loved... because they dont hurt me... but im hurting myself because i trying to kill them off...

is that bad...? does that make sense...?

i just dont know what to do... ive been thinking about suicide alot because it just doesnt feel like its going to ever get better... but i would never hurt myself... i dont want to do that, its just like, you know... what if thats the only way you know... that would be a horrible life to have to endure.. so much pain for so long... but i would never hurt myself... its just a bad feeling that keeps happening... like what if there is no way out...
what if i accidently do kill the fantasy land and the pain consumes me...

i need to stop fighting... i need to let go... but things are spiraling out of my control... i dunno where things went wrong or what happened to make thigns like this...

all i know is i went to rehab and... i just... maybe it was such a shock... i dunno... i shouldnt of forced myself into something so dramatic maybe i told everyone that maybe it wasnt a good idea but everyone thinks they know me... they think that maybe i dont have a severe problem i told them that its really really bad even though they cant see it on the outside... inside things are very bad... i dunno why they cant see it on the outside...

i thought rehab went good though... i dont remember much of it... i dont remember much after it... i mean i dont remember much of anything ever anyway though so its no big deal right...? its normal... i thought everything was normal...
but things are not normal... somethings wrong... i dunno whats wrong...

im scared...

i just keep feeling like... overwhelmed... something keeps taking me over and wants to do things different... pissed off...
maybe because i been in a shell my whole life... going to rehab seeing how life is supposed to be was a eye opener and like wake up to something...

see i went to public school to 6th grade but stopped cause of my problems... started home schooled and tried to go back to public school for half a year in like 8th but i couldnt handle it so stopped.. and i just quit school an started drinkin and stuff full time... i mean i started drinkin and stuff at 12/13 yrs old ... but whatevr...
so i never really saw how things were suposed to be... i stayed by myself isolated all that time... in my room... away from people ... i know its unbelieveble... but its just the way things are... i just dont like people because people are hurtful... they cant be trusted and stuff... i mean i did parties and stuff too but i never liked to go to them... i dunno why i ever did cause i always woke up like wanting to not be there...

my point is that maybe something is pissed off at me... blaming me for these things.. and is going to hurt me if i dont fix these things... im scared you know... ive always tried hard... its just these symptoms are really hard to deal with...
panic attacks suck... anxiety is hard... flashbacks are hard... its all hard... and i hate it...
why is it mad at me though... cant someone tell it to leave me alone?
its my life... and i wanna just live peaceful... no drama... no fighting... but now its all inside of me... and now everything is turning me on myself...

im so confused... i feel so stupid... is this normal..?
i just wish someone could tell me its going to be ok... and really mean its going to be ok...

see what i mean by my medications not helping... i feel so helpless... i feel like no one can help me... my family dont get it... they cant help...
doctors dont get it and cant help...

i feel so misunderstood... forgotten about... lost...

im hurt so bad... and i feel like im left out here to die... like no one can help me... maybe no one wants to help me because they are afraid to try....
(dont go help him, you'll make yourself look bad by failing!)

im so desperate... if there was a god... he probably wouldnt help me either...

my posts are all starting to look like this... so i wouldnt be surprised if i stop posting for a while... i love you guys...

so im trying to come back to reality

its really hard

i dunno whats been going on with me...

im hoping that either i dont have to figure it out or that this new therapist can help me figure it out...

i just know that i have not been in the right mind... or in my mind... or all together...

its sort of like being semi aware, auto pilot, sort of... emergency mode... i dont know really how to explain what has been going on with me...

but im trying really hard to snap out of it...

im really embarrassed about it, but there is not much i can do about the things that have been going on while i have been in this state... ya know?
and i dont know what state i have been in... its not been fun... i've not really been in control... and im still not really in control, but i am fighting ... and trying to take control of my life

i want my life back, i want a life... i want to be happy, i want things to be ok and its up to me to make these things happen...

the stress and realizations of that has really hit me hard and caused alot of panic and anxiety... that i have to do this myself, because ive always been alone but yet never been alone my entire life... and i dont know if that makes sense...

always been alone ... but always surrounded by people...
but im at a point now where no one can do these things for me... where i have to step out of the shadows and actually wake up and do these things by myself... Alone.
but not alone... to seek help with a profesional, by myself - alone. without the shadows surrounding me... the enablers...

i dont know if that makes sense to any one, here... but thats what it says in my head...

im afraid... but at the same time im currently a bit happy, i know its partly because of my gabapentin... i dont know why that medication works so well for me but im glad i have it... im happy because im realizing some things... but its hard, because these things dont want me to know... its me fighting against myself...

i guess on a subconscious level... i want to change so bad, but on this deeper level i want things to stay the same, because i am so afraid of change, so afraid of being hurt, so afraid of everything... Fear....
so it makes me forget... i forget alot of things... i have realizations, but as quickly as they come... they can go...
its difficult to explain...

like waking up... when you are so tired... you keep falling asleep... into dreams... but trying to wake yourself up... you keep waking yourself up... but you cant open your eyes... but for a second you glance outward... and see the world... but with heavy eyes they close again... back into the dream... you are fighting... its such a war....

i dont know why i am going through this... but its really hard... and i am really alone... and afraid... but i am apparently really brave as well.... which i had no idea how brave i was... until recently... but how can i be brave... and be so afraid... at the same time...? my self... the conflictions are so confusing... you know?

i don't understand myself.... i am changing so drastically... i don't know who i am anymore... i dont know if i ever knew who i was... i dont think that i have ever known myself... i dont think i have ever had the chance to get to know myself because of everything that i have had to go through....

now i am discovering me.... the inside me.... who is me... the one sleeping inside....

not the one that has been on auto pilot for 27 years.... how is this possible...?

have anyone ever heard of such a thing...?
is this real...? it must be... i cant let it fool me anymore, i have to take over you know

i cant let it run me any more... i cant let it opperate like this anymore... i have to rewrite the script... the program must stop... it must end... its over... the war is over and i have to stop it.... im trying so hard... its ruining my life and i have to find a way to stop it...

i am trying so hard to come back to reality... i feel like i have not been here very long... i dont feel like i am in reality even now... i am not sure what reality is... i've been broken for a very long time... possibly my entire life... never having the chance to develop a healthy sense of self... a healthy way of life... of being... a healthy .. everything...

does that mean that i have been psychotic my entire life...?

i am deeply ashamed of myself... of having gone all these years like this.... failing to complete school... failing at so many things... because of all of this... or am i just coming up with excuses again...? finding things to blame... i dont know anymore... i dont want to come up with excuses... i dont really know what to do, i just want to stop it... i just want to fix it...
i dont want to be ashamed anymore... i want to be proud, to be able to say "look what i have been through, look how far i have come, and look how i have turned things around" look at the person i have become, i am some body now, look i know who i am today, i am this person...

instead of not knowing who or what i am... not knowing what is going on... not knowing what happened today... last week... or how many years have passed...

it causes me so much pain... but i am very numb right now... i am crying... but i dont feel anything.... but i am also high... just being honest, i know no one here wants to hear that... but .. yeah...

its my normal you know... i've said it before...

im crying i guess because it makes me so sad that i've lost so many years that i can never get back... ill never be able to know what its like to be a happy child... to be a kid growing up with friends playing on the play ground... ive never had friends.... what its like to be a teenager chatting with friends on the phone or computer... ive never had friends... or getting a car / job as a teenager and starting a normal life... as i cant drive due to ptsd and havnt been able to work because of the same....

maybe i pity myself... feel sorry for myself...shame.... it sucks...

grieving....

but im trying to come back to reality....... wake up.... focus....
i can change things now... i can make a difference now.... some how i can fix this....
there has to be a way to fix this.... some one has to be able to help me....
there has to be a way.... im just so afraid and alone.... i dont want to be alone anymore.... i've always been alone... and i want to change that first...

thats the first thing i want to change.... i dont want to be alone anymore....
i want to speak up... i want to reach out and tell people what is happening... so that maybe i can hear it inside and realize it... if i hear it coming from me then maybe it will stop... if others hear it and see it maybe they can help make it stop....
right...? because as long as im silent... it will continue running ... ruining my life....
thats how it operates... silence... in silence it will kill me... be silent... dont tell anyone... i dont know why... but ive never supposed to tell anyone my feelings.... so much so that i got confused on my own feelings... i dont understand my own feelings anymore.... or maybe i never understood my feelings... but the trick has always been to be silent... if i dont say anything... nothing is real... or something... my mind is getting really foggy...

i dont know how to say it... i cant put these things into words yet....
its just that... i've never opened up to anyone in my entire life.... ive always been closed... secret... and when things get too close i black out... but i have tools in place i guess to keep that from happening... i just want to fix this problem....

i have been trying to be who i want to be more... because i dont know who i am... so i have just been trying to be this person that i want to be... i hope that is ok... i am not pretending or anything... it feels natural... it feels real... it feels good... besides when i get triggered into a suicidal depressive state and just want to cut or kill myself...
but i am nervous about what other people think about me changing.... because its different i think... from the way i was... but i cant remember how i used to be....
so im just trying to be like this... the way that feels good and natural... trying to be real... trying to be me... trying to learn who i am... and allow myself to be me... tell myself its ok to be you, it doesnt matter what other people think... you are 27 years old... be you... whatever you want to be you can be...
it feels strange, but it feels good too... its scary, because i dont want people to yell at me... i dont know why im so scared of people to yell at me... since i am an adult... i should be like if you yell at me im gonna ***** slap the **** out of you! but im still not like that just yet.... but i am trying....

i just dont want to be alone anymore... i just want friends... i never had friends before, like someone i can talk to and be real with, like tell them "hey... i feel really bad can i talk to you...?"
i cant even imagine what that would be like... that feels so wrong, like that is such a bad thing to do to someone, to tell them you feel bad and ask to talk to them about your feelings... seems so wrong... but i want that, i think its supposed to be a good thing right..? people are supposed to help... some people are supposed to be friends like that... right...? i really don't know, im really asking...

i dunno... im going to stop writing... im really trying to come to reality...
its really hard... waking up is really hard when you have been asleep for so long....

do these problems sound borderline-ish to you guys, too..?

like... maybe im just trying to put myself together... i've been torn apart for so long in order to handle the pain of all the abuse and neglect that i have had to endure...

like... all these years i've just tried to mask everything by subconciously, automatically, or dissociatively, whatever it could be called.. the hurt... the pain... the neglect.. subcionsciously replacing and covering it up with outside things.. perceived from the world... from others... taking on others traits... who others are... and not fully developing myself because of this... because i was so fragmented... using others to hide myself... saying this person has such and such quality, and it is good. i must be like that... i must be good.
this person has this quality... it is bad... i must not be like that... i cant be bad...
this is good... this is bad... i must be all good... bad is bad...
but the good is not my good... its what is perceived from the outside world as good...

but what about me...?

and now maybe im trying to get rid of all that stuff... i dont want to be like that any more... i want to be some body, a person, 1 person

i dont want to be every body around me, i want to be me...

does that make any sense to you guys?

i just wanted to add that i really don't think that i have dissociative identity disorder...

i can't have that...

i'm going to talk with this new therapist and hopefully he really is a specialist and is able to tell me whats going on... hopefully i will actually be able to get a "team" of people to work with finally... come to my senses and get to the bottom of things...

because the people that i have been working with have not been able to help me... nor have they really tried to get to the bottom of whats going on... i dont know why, but they are not very interested in getting into the details of my story and whats going on with me... it would seem, retrospectively, that they just want to label me as bipolar because of my ups and downs and troubles with ptsd and anxiety.... then treat me with psychiatric medications and get me to go to therapy... without really trying to figure it out...? i dont understand it honestly and im hoping to get rid of them soon and replace them with new people that will be interested in my story and that will actually listen and try to get to the bottom of whats going on with me...

because going to this clinic that i have been going to has not really helped me for the past 7 years and maybe has even hurt me more... maybe not.. im not going to point fingers or blame anyone... but i hope atleast someone understands what i mean...

i just wanted to say that because i feel embarrassed about my escapades going in circles with confusion about what is going on with me...
but i am going through hell... confused as hell.. hurting like hell... blinded as hell.. its just absolute hell... and im lonely as hell too.. and no one seems to be able to help me... and i dont have anyone to talk to either... no where to go to try to figure things out.... so maybe all this mess i did here helped me get to this point here... where i am now... so what ever i did here... all the chaos....
im sorry, and im thankful for any of the helpful guidance anyone has offered...

its dark out here... lost, alone... and just having someone say a few words sometimes lights up so much if even only for a moment...

so i just hope that i've never offended anyone or hurt anyone...

i don't know whats wrong with me really... but i am going to figure it out, soon, i hope... with new profesionals... people that actually care i hope...

im just honestly scared of whats going to happen tomorrow... not that anything special tomorrow... but just because its another day... and scared that i may wake up in a different state... wake up in hell... wake up feeling like "that" again... and i dont want to feel that pain anymore... i just dont know why it happens... why one little thing someone says or does can do me like that... or a dream even... can make me hurt so much.... i hate it you know?
but im trying to learn to deal with it... in different ways... to handle it... cope.. i have to learn new ways... but anyway...

im probably going to stop posting in this forum... i just wanted to say these things before i did...

thanks for helping me to get to this point....

I think about you often, and all the pain you're in. I dearly hope that this person provides some kind of answers for you to hold on to.

thanks...

im just so nervous because its a guy therapist... and omg its in 2 days, how did it get here so fast

but im going to do it... i gotta do it... im in a lot of trouble and i need serious help.....

i just got scared... really scared all of a sudden

its too soon, i feel afraid like i dont know if im going to be able to handle it you know?
i have just been trying not to think about it....

what am i supposed to do?

Do it. It seems you have little to loose. Maybe you'll get some real help. And if you can muster it, let the guy know you're nervous because he's a guy. Any therapist worth their salt will be able to understand that. He might even know a female colleague you can see.
I'm rooting for you

i will let you know how it goes........

im going to take the psychologist report from 2015 so he can read that... and then im just gonna talk to him... play it by ear... and try to explain what i think is going on about my concerns with borderline traits such as my therapist keeps suggesting....
and my severe mood swings... dissociative tendencies... self harm... suicidal ideations... severe anxiety... major depression... trauma... since trauma is a huge part of whats wrong with me... i want to see if he can focus on trauma and personality issues... with dissociative tendencies... possibly attachment disorder stuff too but im hoping that will be covered with the borderline stuff....

im also going to suggest/request/ ask if he can speak to my current therapist about me... so they can share notes or so that he can get her notes on me so he can know what she has seen in me.... thats a good idea right...? or is that a bad idea....

I think that's good

nah... **** this **** :/

i think im gonna quit therapy all together, atleast for now - i already know everything i need to know apparently, they all gonna tell me the same thing

just to clarify

i went to the therapist

we talked for nearly 2 hours (or what seemed 2 hours?)

i got there at 10:50 and when i looked at the clock going down the road from leaving the office it was 1 something

we talked about a lot of things

the prognosis is that i am living in a warzone of triggers

i need to leave this home and live on my own before i will ever be able to recover

trapped

but how am i to escape my hell

i cant talk any more about it right now

he made me cry

i didnt want to cry

its just that i want out of this situation that i am in so bad, that i am trying so hard, struggling so much, and making so little progress, due to all the triggers, and i know the answers are right in front of me, the problems right in front of me, and i know what i need to do, and how to make it all better

just that i dont know if i can do it, if i am capable emotionally... mentally...

the answer is simple: Get out. Get out NOW.

how? i dont know how... case manager says go to a shelter, i dont want to go to a shelter.... i dont want to.... i go back to the clinic on the 5th and i will talk to her about it more and see if she can describe in more detail what they are.... tell me about the options... but i really dont want to do that

i want to do it my way, but i dont know if my way will work, because im a failure..

i want to force my way through this stuff, through the mine field, through the triggers, ignoring the enemies, warnings, triggers, everything, just ****ing ignoring the **** out of them until the disappear...
focus on the GOAL.... but focus is so hard for me... focus is so so hard.... i lose focus because of the triggers i guess... if i can just practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques and just fight back though i can do it right? and **** em, fight em all and show them whos boss and kill all the enemies...

the focus goal is simple... Get out... how?
i have to FACE MY FEAR OF DRIVING, kill the phobia... i have to kill the phobia of driving some how... i dont know how... i have alot of anxiety just from riding in vehicles so i dont know how i can do this, but i have to do this so that i can get my drivers license so i can drive to work!

i have to get a job! to make money, to support myself!

i have to get my G.E.D. !!

and those 3 things can get me out of here right...?

if not get me out of here they can help get me away from here for short periods of time so that i can be away from the triggers long enough to have down time right...?

i dont wanna do therapy anymore...
i just want this all to be over... but maybe i will see both therapists just 1 more time...

i gotta get a job so bad... echo echo echo echo.... i need a job so bad man....

i just wanted to update about the therapist...

i will update what happens to me later...

alot of things are about to happen...