[TrailRunner14]

This could be triggering.

My dad died 7 years ago. I want to say that I miss him. I don't. I cried for 3 days when he died. I cried for what I did not have when he was here. It broke my heart.

My mom is in poor health. She is in a swing bed facility. I have no idea if she will come out of it and be on her own again.

Do I miss my dad? No. No I do not. There is no feeling of missing him at all. There is a desire to miss him. I wish I did.

My mom. Will I miss her when she ... I don't think I will. There are no memories for me to look back on and miss. There are memories of me not being what I should have been.

My brother is more workable and more dependent on her. He's not the disobedient, defiant and willful one that I guess I am.

Does this make me a bad person? I want things to be different but I can't change other people. Am I wrong to feel the way I feel?

[Amyjay]

No, you are not wrong. I think how you feel right now is how people feel when their parents didn't do at least a 'good enough' job of parenting. Personally I am terrified of my parents falling ill. They are elderly and it is going to happen at some point. I do not want to care for them. the thought of it makes me ill. It will be expected of me.
I am more terrified of their funerals. not because i will be sad for them and not because I will be sad for me (I will feel great relief). I am terrified because I will be expected to speak with their friends at the funeral and tolerate hearing how wonderful they are and be expected to say nice things about them or act sad or something. I will have to act and I know I will not feel like doing that at all.
From what I have read on here you are a very kind considerate and thoughtful human being. So kind considerate and thoughtful that you are willing to make yourself out to be the bad guy so that others don't have to.
You can't miss something you never had. But you can grieve for what was needed but never given.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you for hearing me. I feel what you said. It is true for me too.

(((Kindred hug))) if that's ok.

[zoiecat]

This came up in my last session. I did not feel anything when my dad and grandmother died except relief. I discovered last week that my mom was in the hospital after calling my aunt because she hadn't answered the phone in two days after her birthday. I told my T that I secretly wished she was dead. Then I said I know that makes me a horrible person. He said no, no it does not. We were in the middle of EMDR and he made me try something new. I was supposed to put the thought of I am a bad person for wanting her dead in one hand and something about all the horrible things she did to me in the other hand (sorry I was half way down the dissociation rabbit hole by then and I can't remember too well). Anyway, he did the buzzers and in the end I came to the conclusion that my thoughts and feelings are the result of how I was treated as a child and it's OK to feel this way. He reminded me that mother's day sucks for a lot of people. The media makes us (survivors) feel like crap if we don't have this intense love for our mother's but quite frankly some of them just don't deserve it and we should not beat ourselves up for it. So don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. You are certainly not alone.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by zoiecat

This came up in my last session. I did not feel anything when my dad and grandmother died except relief. I discovered last week that my mom was in the hospital after calling my aunt because she hadn't answered the phone in two days after her birthday. I told my T that I secretly wished she was dead. Then I said I know that makes me a horrible person. He said no, no it does not. We were in the middle of EMDR and he made me try something new. I was supposed to put the thought of I am a bad person for wanting her dead in one hand and something about all the horrible things she did to me in the other hand (sorry I was half way down the dissociation rabbit hole by then and I can't remember too well). Anyway, he did the buzzers and in the end I came to the conclusion that my thoughts and feelings are the result of how I was treated as a child and it's OK to feel this way. He reminded me that mother's day sucks for a lot of people. The media makes us (survivors) feel like crap if we don't have this intense love for our mother's but quite frankly some of them just don't deserve it and we should not beat ourselves up for it. So don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. You are certainly not alone.

Thanks for sharing this.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by zoiecat

This came up in my last session. I did not feel anything when my dad and grandmother died except relief. I discovered last week that my mom was in the hospital after calling my aunt because she hadn't answered the phone in two days after her birthday. I told my T that I secretly wished she was dead. Then I said I know that makes me a horrible person. He said no, no it does not. We were in the middle of EMDR and he made me try something new. I was supposed to put the thought of I am a bad person for wanting her dead in one hand and something about all the horrible things she did to me in the other hand (sorry I was half way down the dissociation rabbit hole by then and I can't remember too well). Anyway, he did the buzzers and in the end I came to the conclusion that my thoughts and feelings are the result of how I was treated as a child and it's OK to feel this way. He reminded me that mother's day sucks for a lot of people. The media makes us (survivors) feel like crap if we don't have this intense love for our mother's but quite frankly some of them just don't deserve it and we should not beat ourselves up for it. So don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. You are certainly not alone.

Thank you for hearing me!

Dear Trailrunner,I've so many things I want to say but don't know how.

My eyes have been red, definitely because yeah, I'm grieving though my parents are still alive and very physically and mentally healthy. In fact, they're enjoying themselves on yet another expensive holiday right now, despite all the guilt trips for decades on how they'll be poor, unwanted, abandoned and in a elderly folks home when they're older because of me...

You're not wrong to feel how you feel. Grieve, grieve, you didn't get the good enough parenting every child deserves. You were abused and neglected and perhaps you're still being verbally abused and emotionally abused by your mother still...

You owe your parents nothing. They didn't do their best. You are not alone on grieving. You are not a bad person.

You aren't a bad person at all. I know that I will not mourn when my bio mom passes away. I wish that I could have a good relationship with her, but I can't make her want to have one with me. I told my T that I'll actually be relieved when she goes. I'll be able to (hopefully) gain some closure.

You aren't bad, and you definitely aren't alone.

[Fuzzybear]

I didn't go to the paternal unit's funeral ..

[ruh roh]

I can relate to this post so much. When I was a teenager, I wished my father dead (in my head) and he died a few months later of a sudden heart attack. The kicker is that I have always believed my wishes killed him, but have felt no remorse or guilt. I have always felt I had no soul, the way I feel nothing for what happened. But now, reading your post and knowing what a kind, caring person you are, I see how those feelings are about abuse and not the kind of person I am. So to answer your question, does this make you a bad person? NO! It makes you a hurt person, with a sensitive heart.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you for your encouragement and your affirmations. My heart is sad for the wounds that you have shared here. I share them and validate them with you.

It feels much better knowing that you have felt this too. I guess it's a bit selfish to feel that way. I wish that you had not felt this. The comfort is reassuring though.

I pray that we find that place that we are ok. I am looking for that place with much desire and hope.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

This could be triggering.

You're worth it, so I'll read on...

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

My dad died 7 years ago. I want to say that I miss him. I don't. I cried for 3 days when he died. I cried for what I did not have when he was here. It broke my heart.

Truly, I'm impressed that you were able to realize that you tears and regret was for what you wish you had but did not. I've counseled many people for whom that was a revelation that they were not able to realize on their own.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Do I miss my dad? No. No I do not. There is no feeling of missing him at all. There is a desire to miss him. I wish I did.

My mom died a bit over two years ago. I do not miss her at all. Of course, I went no contact with her about twenty-five years ago so there was very little to miss except a romanticized version of what could have been - if only she had not carried a substantial number of internal demons with her. If I had a wish regarding missing my mom, it would be that she was worthy of missing. She was not.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

My mom. Will I miss her when she ... I don't think I will. There are no memories for me to look back on and miss. There are memories of me not being what I should have been.

You now your story better than anyone here, but I suspect that you were exactly what you should have been - particularly with the upbringing you had. As much as I lath using the word 'should', I would wager a guess that it would be a more accurate representation to say that your mom was not what she should have been.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

My brother is more workable and more dependent on her. He's not the disobedient, defiant and willful one that I guess I am.

Amazing how self-care and keeping oneself safe can be misinterpreted as disobedience, defiance and willful, isn't it? My mother hated me. She hated me because there were consequences of her abuse and I was a walking, talking, living expose of every criminal thing she ever did to me. So I distanced myself to avoid her vitriol. She thought I was all those things you listed - I know better.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Does this make me a bad person? I want things to be different but I can't change other people. Am I wrong to feel the way I feel?

You are never wrong to feel anything. What you do with those feelings might be unskillful (I prefer that to 'bad' or 'wrong'), you know, like beating yourself up for having a very understandable, very human feeling.

One skill we gained from everything terrible that my mother ever did to us was recognize people who would also hurt us before they did. We have excellent radar for damaged people who seek to relieve their pain by hurting others. You are not one of those people. You are the awesome kind.

[TrailRunner14]

My mom is in the ICU unit. They admitted her last night because her oxygen levels were so low. She has blood clots in both lungs and fluid around them. I met my brother at the hospital and we stayed with her until they got her settled.

What a crazy mixture/rotation of emotions. I'm really having a hard time sorting out how I feel and if it's ok to feel what I'm feeling, with no guilt. I feel compassion for her and want to comfort her, but a part steps up and tells me I can't give her what she didn't give me. She didn't teach me how.

I want to ask her so many questions, but I don't have the words. I don't believe that she would answer in truth after she gaslighted me this past Thanksgiving. There's anger.

I want her to tell me that she's sorry. I want her to tell me that she wishes she had made different choices.

It's very hard for me to look into her eyes. I can't tell what I see there.

I guess that hope is really gone for believing that things can be different.

The low oxygen levels have somehow affected her brain. She thinks that the people in the ICU unit are trying to kill her. They called me at 1:30 this morning to see if I was still at the hospital. She was pulling the CPAP mask off and was mad because she there. They wanted me to come and calm her down. I couldn't. They had to restrain her. I feel guilty for that. I also feel compassion for her.

I have to go back tonight. Well, I don't have to, I feel that I need to. Only one person can be in the unit with her at a time, so that means that it will be just me there with her. That makes my tummy nervous. I don't know what I'm going to say. Compliance will most probably step in and carry the conversation for me.

Thank you again for your replies and encouragement here. You give me courage to believe that what I feel is real.

[Amyjay]

This all sounds very, very hard. I hope you find it within yourself to be compassionate for whatever emotions run through you. Sending prayers for you if that is okay.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

This all sounds very, very hard. I hope you find it within yourself to be compassionate for whatever emotions run through you. Sending prayers for you if that is okay.

Thank you! It is really hard, but being heard helps. Thank you also for your prayers. They are greatfully received.

[TrailRunner14]

Well.... tonight's visit was not good. I was trying to buffer myself, but the little one wanted to love on her. That over road the buffering. She looks for the good always.

A friend of my moms came and is going to be with her tonight. I just can't stay and listen to the ugly things my mom is saying right now. Her friend is not so emotionally knowledgeable or wounded.

I walked in and my brother and my mom's friend were in the ICU unit. I walked over to and told her that I loved her. No response.

My brother told my mom that her friend would be with her tonight so he could get some sleep. She tries to talk behind the oxygen mask and we can't understand her. He gives her a pen and she writes, "If you are standing here waiting for me to die just get a sledge hammer."

The vacuum happened and I wasn't there any more. I don't have words.

[Amyjay]

Trailrunner your mothers comment speaks volumes about how life with her was for you.
Your little one who always looks for the good in others speaks volumes about how her life with you could have been if she had been a less damaged person.

[yagr]

Hey there friend. I haven't had the time or energy to get on and after reading your updates, wish I had made the time. I'm sorry that this is so difficult.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Well.... tonight's visit was not good. I was trying to buffer myself, but the little one wanted to love on her. That over road the buffering. She looks for the good always.

This really jumped out at me and I'd like to share some of my story in the event that it's helpful; hope I don't miss the mark. Sonseearae is the same way...she's six years old btw, don't know if I ever told you that. Anyway, it's been many years since we first were able to be co-conscious. At first, I had nothing but contempt for her tendency to look for the good in the least deserving but it sort of grew on me little by little. I came to respect and even admire this trait in her eventually and now, well, she's my teacher and I'm just a barely worthy student.

But you know, I get to be angry at someone. She gets to forgive, forget, love and see the good at someone. Both have their place. I need to feel the anger, she needs to feel the love. We can honor both of our natures. So can you.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

A friend of my moms came and is going to be with her tonight. I just can't stay and listen to the ugly things my mom is saying right now. Her friend is not so emotionally knowledgeable or wounded.

An observation that not everyone would recognize.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I walked in and my brother and my mom's friend were in the ICU unit. I walked over to and told her that I loved her. No response.

My brother told my mom that her friend would be with her tonight so he could get some sleep. She tries to talk behind the oxygen mask and we can't understand her. He gives her a pen and she writes, "If you are standing here waiting for me to die just get a sledge hammer."

The vacuum happened and I wasn't there any more. I don't have words.

You know what my biggest fear is? I've never told anyone - not my T, not my wife, no one - here it is: As disease and chronic pain wear me down, I fear that I will have healed and grown and lived only to end up a miserable, angry, spiteful person on my deathbed. I fear that - not death. Sounds like your mother is living my fear. So let me tell you now, while I'm still kicking, if that's how I end up, it wasn't anyone's fault but mine. Your mom isn't being miserable, angry, and spiteful at you - it's who she is. You deserved better and you still do. Deserving isn't the same as getting though, but the lack isn't about you.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you Amyjay and Yagr! I've read both of your post several times and they have given me comfort and encouragement.

It's only my brother and me who can take care of mom. He doesn't have the wounds that I have from her and he is much more distressed at the thought of her feelings afraid and alone.

A part of me, the little one, feels that for her but is afraid to reach out to her with it. Like Sonseearae, she sees no bad in anyone and wants to always give love and understanding/compassion. She has been wounded too many times in her innocence of how people can be.

The 12 year old is her protection. The 12yo is angry but cannot express it. It's not allowed.

My counselor helped me get to a place last week. It's a suspended place of expectant silence.

The little one has never wanted to accept what has happened. She wants to keep believing that things will change. She wants to believe that the mom will see her for who she is, not the defiant, willful, disobedient girl she tells stories of and her correction and discipline that punished her.

I've had to come here, to the hospital, and sit with mom. She is very sick. The little one is in distress because time is running out. It may never happen. What the little one has always wanted and needed isn't going to happen it will never be. The 12yo is angry for the hurt and sadness the lo is feeling.

Here we sit. It's me, the little one and the 12yo. We are sitting on beautiful green grass with splintered white picket fence in a circle around us. We are sitting. We are waiting. There is a feeling of expectation. We aren't sure what we are expecting.

Compliance has stepped in to do the job of sitting here with mom. Compliance is a very exceptional care giver. Always asking if she needs anything, straightening covers, rearranging pillows and thinking of anything that she can do or anything mom might need. This is done with no emotion. No feeling, only to do what is expected as well as possible.

It's very draining.

I don't sit for too long very well. I start to feel trapped and restless.

Amyjay, your words are so true. It has been on my mind too "how her life with you could have been if she had been a less damaged person"

I sit and look at her. She is fragile. She is wounded and damaged, much like me. I keep hearing that I need to give to her what I want from her. My heart doesn't think that will work with her.

Im rambling.....

It's nice to know y'all are here and I'm not sitting here alone.

Thank you!

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by yagr

You know what my biggest fear is? I've never told anyone - not my T, not my wife, no one - here it is: As disease and chronic pain wear me down, I fear that I will have healed and grown and lived only to end up a miserable, angry, spiteful person on my deathbed. I fear that - not death. Sounds like your mother is living my fear. So let me tell you now, while I'm still kicking, if that's how I end up, it wasn't anyone's fault but mine. Your mom isn't being miserable, angry, and spiteful at you - it's who she is. You deserved better and you still do. Deserving isn't the same as getting though, but the lack isn't about you.

Friend. I can not imagine you being miserable, angry or spiteful. You are too kind and caring with a wonderful sweet spirit.

Thank you for saying this. I've read it several times as I sit here. It is truth!

[kecanoe]

TR: not grieving someone who has treated you badly does not make you a bad person. I am sorry you are facing this situation with your mother; my prayer is that she will make amends. My cautious side says to protect yourself. Some people recognize their wrongs when their life is threatened. Others just get meaner. It depends on the person-and not on whether or not you are deserving.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

TR: not grieving someone who has treated you badly does not make you a bad person. I am sorry you are facing this situation with your mother; my prayer is that she will make amends. My cautious side says to protect yourself. Some people recognize their wrongs when their life is threatened. Others just get meaner. It depends on the person-and not on whether or not you are deserving.

Thank you! Those are more words of truth. Logic knows it.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

It's only my brother and me who can take care of mom. He doesn't have the wounds that I have from her and he is much more distressed at the thought of her feelings afraid and alone.

I have a sister who, like your brother, doesn't share the wounds I have. Her relationship with our mother was significantly different, though she was damaged in different ways that are harder to identify. My sister was mom's best friend and confidante for most of her life and was with her when she died. It was hard on her.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

A part of me, the little one, feels that for her but is afraid to reach out to her with it. Like Sonseearae, she sees no bad in anyone and wants to always give love and understanding/compassion. She has been wounded too many times in her innocence of how people can be.

I offered to give her the keyboard just now to explain, but she has confidence in my ability to share her experience a little better than even she can and so here I go...

She is capable of seeing ...hmm, this may be tougher than I thought... we don't much care for the word 'bad' but she knows who my mother was. Hmm. Sonseearae is much more spiritual than I am...that probably needs to be said. She's my guru in many ways. She knows the terrible things that my mother did, but she also saw my mother's pain in a way that I could not and still struggle to see today. So she saw the bad but embraced the hurt little child within my mother. That's who she loved. She has no problem giving love and compassion but she trusts me to keep her safe, reminding me always that we can love from a distance even those who hurt us and are not safe to be around.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

The 12 year old is her protection. The 12yo is angry but cannot express it. It's not allowed.

We have another, Lori, who is about this age - and yeah, she is angry. Anger was something we never were allowed to express and she learned that lesson well. Today we are working on finding ways to lessen Lori's burden.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

The little one has never wanted to accept what has happened. She wants to keep believing that things will change. She wants to believe that the mom will see her for who she is, not the defiant, willful, disobedient girl she tells stories of and her correction and discipline that punished her.

Sonseearae is confident, and honestly, I've never known her to be wrong on anything like this - not ever, that your mother knows. Accepting it would be more than she could handle though as it would mean she is as terrible a mother and person as she is afraid she is. We are not saying that she is - but that she believes herself to be.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Here we sit. It's me, the little one and the 12yo. We are sitting on beautiful green grass with splintered white picket fence in a circle around us. We are sitting. We are waiting. There is a feeling of expectation. We aren't sure what we are expecting.

Expect us to sit with you.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by yagr

I have a sister who, like your brother, doesn't share the wounds I have. Her relationship with our mother was significantly different, though she was damaged in different ways that are harder to identify. My sister was mom's best friend and confidante for most of her life and was with her when she died. It was hard on her.


I offered to give her the keyboard just now to explain, but she has confidence in my ability to share her experience a little better than even she can and so here I go...

She is capable of seeing ...hmm, this may be tougher than I thought... we don't much care for the word 'bad' but she knows who my mother was. Hmm. Sonseearae is much more spiritual than I am...that probably needs to be said. She's my guru in many ways. She knows the terrible things that my mother did, but she also saw my mother's pain in a way that I could not and still struggle to see today. So she saw the bad but embraced the hurt little child within my mother. That's who she loved. She has no problem giving love and compassion but she trusts me to keep her safe, reminding me always that we can love from a distance even those who hurt us and are not safe to be around.


We have another, Lori, who is about this age - and yeah, she is angry. Anger was something we never were allowed to express and she learned that lesson well. Today we are working on finding ways to lessen Lori's burden.


Sonseearae is confident, and honestly, I've never known her to be wrong on anything like this - not ever, that your mother knows. Accepting it would be more than she could handle though as it would mean she is as terrible a mother and person as she is afraid she is. We are not saying that she is - but that she believes herself to be.


Expect us to sit with you.

Thank you again!!

Knowing that the little one is a part of me and feeling her has opened my perspective that, I believe, everyone has a little one. I've been out around people and I've looked at them and "seen" the little one in them. It has been older people and I've looked past who they are physically and seem the little one in them. It may be a look in their eyes or the tiredness of the old body they are trapped in. I've seen it. I want to see it in my mom. There is a part of me that wants to. It's most likely the little one but she's afraid to open herself up to it. The 12yo steps in. She's trying to protect her.

The 12yo is trying to learn how to be productively protective without shutting the little off. If that makes sense.

We would welcome y'all with us here in this suspended place. There are smiles for the company. Thank you!

I forgot to say in my description of "here" - it feels like a violent storm just came through. The silence is the silence of "what the heck just happened?" It's so still. But! Sitting here there is a warm golden sunlight. Hope maybe?

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by yagr

I have a sister who, like your brother, doesn't share the wounds I have. Her relationship with our mother was significantly different, though she was damaged in different ways that are harder to identify. My sister was mom's best friend and confidante for most of her life and was with her when she died. It was hard on her..

I've experienced this all this weekend. It hurts. It's not fair. I don't have any control over it. There is no reckoning for it. It just is what it is.

My brother has no clue. I don't want to put myself out there to try and explain or ask for understanding.

He is her confidant. That's ok with me. I guess.

I took her flowers today. Watermelon that she has wanted for the holiday. I took her coloring books and markers and colored pencils. She told me that she had gotten a coloring book for Christmas and never opened it. She didn't acknowledge the gift bag that I brought. She pointed where I could put the flowers. I opened the watermelon container. She ate it.

Watching TV, there was a kid throwing a tantrum because she wanted something. Mom has to tell a story of how I wanted something and told hir I would throw a fit if I didn't get it. She said, "go ahead sister and throw a fit." I looked at her with no words. It was time for me to leave.

Whatever..............