A serious discussion; self inquiry

i don't know how much i have shared about myself

im a deeply philosophical guy .. having been seeking a Truth of all, truth of existence since i was atleast 13 years old.. but inwardly desiring to know since i was a child.. always asking people questions about the bible and things that made them uncomfortable in which they told me to pray or not to ask such questions and such..

at around age 13 i stopped "being" a christian and just started self seeking and self teaching... studying on my own and seeking out knowledge and wisdom... learning much about the world, philosophy, physics, the mind, occultism, hypnotism, ect...

i have been thinking on consciousness and awareness...
and came across a little bit of information from Ernest Hilgard on divided consciousness and thinking on some stuff that ive already read i am just pondering my existence that i have sustained over these 27 years...

thinking that maybe all of my pain and suffering is a self suggestion and my life being an illusory misconception of a false reality i created or perhaps multiple versions of myself that i created through dissociation and self hypnosis... meaning that maybe not i solely created it but as a remnant of the past that was devised to hold together a reality that i perceived to be the only true reality created within me this reality for me to continue experiencing the only reality i know to be true and recognize within myself as these alternate self suggesting versions of myself continue to exist...

the problem i have is that i have since created a new reality and these alternate realities continue to exist and they are clashing

i find myself falling into these states that are like suggestion states where i have no control, but often times now realizing that i am in the wrong thought.. or wrong reality... or wrong place... or the wrong person... or things are not right...

what i am concerned about is physical ailments being the sole cause and not mental but i have brought it up with my doctor and i cant seem to get an MRI ... talking about these "far out there things" tend to get strange looks from everyone

i just try to explain it the best i can, then i get fed up and give up for some time and go silent and shut down, forget all about it and end up repeating a cycle and here i am again on the path again trying to revisit it and trying to fix it - hopefully this time finding the keys and with the ability to solve the puzzle and fix the problem...

it is a strange feeling, to live like this.. to be surrounded by people that dont understand and have to keep such a secret because no one understands; often times getting lost in the illusion of it all my own self

but i feel as if i am under some form of mental control, not from the outside or from anyone else but from within as a complex system developed itself for some reason or another to create this reality or multiple realities for me to go in and out of... i admit that i have read a lot of strange things and that i may be stretching into some things a lot of people would consider science fiction... but to that i would simply have to say that is an opinion of theirs and im on this side looking out trying to explain my subjective experience the best i can...

i would like to understand myself and how to "wake up" and dissolve this paradox i have created in my mind, if it could be "as simple" as that, to get rid of the "divided" awareness, the alternate realities, the other selves, the split thoughts, whatever names may be given to it... so that i can get rid of this "looking glass" and see clearly a true reality and have a clean healthy happy life of oneness and be whole

A very good post and one that I wish I had the strength to respond to right now, but I simply can't. Stand by though, perhaps later tonight or tomorrow as strength allows, I'll be back. Just didn't want you to think there was no interest.

Louise often feels like part of her is “acting.” At the same time, “there is another part ‘inside’ that is not connecting with the me that is talking to you,” she says. When the depersonalization is at its most intense, she feels like she just doesn’t exist. These experiences leave her confused about who she really is, and quite often, she feels like an “actress” or simply, “a fake.”
― Daphne Simeon (Feeling Unreal: Depersonalization Disorder and the Loss of the Self, New York, NY, US: Oxford University Press; 2006)
The majority of the clients I treat have been exposed to repeated traumatic episodes and threats during childhood. For many of these men and women, their heinous histories of emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse at the hands of trusted caregivers, have led to their suffering from complex PTSD (known as C-PTSD).
C-PTSD is more complicated than simple PTSD as it pertains to chronic assaults on one’s personal integrity and sense of safety, as opposed to a single acute traumatic episode. This chronic tyranny of abuse results in a constellation of symptoms, which impact personality structure and development.
The symptom clusters for C-PTSD are:

• Alterations in regulation of affect and impulses
• Changes in relationship with others
• Somatic symptoms
• Changes in meaning
• Changes in the perception of self
• Changes in attention and consciousness

When one is repeatedly traumatized in early childhood, the development of a cohesive and coherent personality structure is hindered. Fragmentation of the personality occurs because the capacity to integrate what is happening to the self is insufficient.
Dissociative Disorders in C-PTSD

The survival mechanism of dissociation kicks in to protect the central organizing ego from breaking from reality and disintegrating into psychosis. Hence, fragmented dissociated parts of the personality carry the traumatic experience and memory, while other dissociated parts function in daily life. Consequentially, profound symptoms of depersonalization and dissociation linked to C-PTSD manifest (Herman JL. Trauma and Recovery. New York: BasicBooks; 1997)
Dissociative disorders are conditions that involve disruptions or breakdowns of memory, awareness, identity, or perception. In the context of severe chronic abuse, the reliance on disassociation is adaptive, as it succeeds in reducing unbearable distress, and warding off the threat of psychological annihilation.
The dissociative disorders a survivor of chronic trauma presents with vary and are inclusive of dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder), dissociative amnesia, dissociative fugue, and depersonalization disorder.
Identity confusion is also deemed a by-product of dissociation and is linked to fugue states when the traumatized person loses memory of their past and concomitantly, a tangible sense of their personal identity (Van der Hart O et al, J Traum Stress 2005;18(5):413–423).
Treatment of Dissociation in C-PTSD

The treatment process for those afflicted with C-PTSD and attendant dissociative disorders is extensive and comprehensive. Depending on the severity of the repetitious traumas, even in progressed stages of recovery a client may find himself grappling with persistent feelings of detachment and derealization.
Given that the brain’s mediation of psychological functions is dramatically compromised by the impact of chronic trauma, this neurobiological impact may be a strong contributing factor regarding lingering dissociative symptoms in survivors of C-PTSD. When a child’s brain is habitually set to a fear response system so as to survive daily threat, brain cells are killed, and the inordinate production of stress hormones interferes with returning to a state of homeostasis.
Turning to dissociative states to relieve the pain of hyperarousal further exacerbates the effective use of one’s executive functions, such as emotional regulation and socialization. Accordingly, neuroimaging findings reveal that cortical processing of emotional material is reduced in those presenting with C-PTSD and an increase in amygdala activity, where anxiety and fear responses persists.
In spite of the harrowing repercussions of prolonged traumatic abuse and neglect, those suffering from C-PTSD and dissociative disorders profit from working through overwhelming material with a caring, seasoned professional.
Treating the sequelae of complex trauma means establishing stabilization, resolving traumatic memory, and achieving personality (re)integration and rehabilitation. Integrating and reclaiming dissociated and disowned aspects of the personality is largely dependent on constructing a cohesive narrative, which allows for the assimilation of emotional, cognitive, and physiological realities.
And finally, when fight/flight responses diminish and an enhanced sense of hope and love for self and others results from years of courageous, painstaking hard work, the survivor reaps the rewards of this capricious and harrowing journey; one’s True Self.

https://pro.psychcentral.com/complex...on/006907.html

thanks, yagr

i am and have been, really, just deeply wanting to connect the dots in my mind and make sense of my existence.. of who and what i am... and how to better all of this

i slip in and out and when i am "out" i dont really have the power to work on these things so i am trying to do some work and research now and just hoping to say some things and get some things out there that maybe someone else can chime in on and reply to that will make some sense of

its been a really hard year... i gotta do something, i gotta make changes, i gotta figure this out, next year cant be the same, its getting worse and i gotta get control over this before its too late

of course im starting with this new therapist which should also prove to be interesting...
just hope that it goes well :/

Where is the mind? If there are intrinsic relationships of brain, body, and environment, where does this leave the mind? The tempting (Cartesian) belief that the mind could exist in separation of the body involves an epistemic illusion caused by our inability to know how we generate our mental contents, including our sense of self. This inability is known as transparency (McGinn, 1989, 1998; Metzinger, 2003) or autoepistemic limitation (Northoff, 2003). Whereas there is no mind without a brain, the mind does not equal the brain. We tend to experience that our mind is in our head, but no one has found the mind in the brain. According to Alva Noë (2009, p. xiii):
Human experience is a dance that unfolds in the world and with others. You are not your brain. We are not locked up in a prison of our own ideas and sensations. The phenomenon of consciousness, like that of life itself, is a world-involving dynamic process. We are already at home in the environment. We are out of our heads. "Consciousness isn't something that happens inside us: it is something that we do, actively, in our dynamic interaction with the world around us" (Noë, 2009, p. 24).


Journal of Cosmology

i have to stop reading...

sometimes i just feel overwhelmed with visuals... perceptions... ideals... different models of understanding...

it reverberates to a solid core one in the center... what if all of this isn't real anyway?
what if no-one that i believe to be speaking to here is real... what if this keyboard isn't real... what if "I'm" not real... who's to say what "real" is anyway..?

how can i perceive something to be real when i am labeling it myself... or having someone else label it for me and believing them...

what is perception anyway? who is this perceiving things anyway? if its not me? if im not real?

i dunno... im just tired and guess i have exhausted myself today and should stop pushing myself before i cause myself to trip...

maybe im just over looking the answers to my questions and really already know what i am seeking but am in denial... making up plausible deniability to continue a rabbit chase so that i dont have to face a dim reality

sorry to ramble, i dont usually talk about these things for good reason..

Tbh it seems like reading all this stuff is driving you deeper into the rabbit hole rather than helping you out of it. You really are overthinking things a lot and it seems to be causing you much more confusion than anything else.
From your posts it seems clear that you've experienced trauma and that has caused you a lot of problems typically associated with trauma during the developmental years. The things you describe like identity confusion, dissociation, flashbacks, PTSD etc are all a part of that. Some therapists are really good with dealing with trauma effects. Can you go to the therapist and just start there?

i feel like i dont want to go backwards... like going back the way i came from so i keep trying to go forward

im a philosophical kind of person.. its how i think... i try not to think about stuff but i think that causes problems so ive been trying to let my mind go and see where its taking me again... trying to let go of many things and observe, i am just failing to take notes as my memory isnt so great so i really need to get my note book back out and start writing stuff down or atleast open a journal somewhere on the computer

i realize that i have been through a lot that has traumatized me...
but i also realize that maybe going through these things has created within me a different perception of the world that may allow me to see things different than the masses... i am an outcast, a loner... but i am trying to start using it for some good instead of letting it control me and take me down...

there is a fine line separating the genius and insanity, im sure i am pushing my mind to limits that are possibly dangerous... maybe even risking psychosis... but its something that i have lived with for a long time and i want to face it head on once and for all - to come out of the fog and discover whats been in front of me(what ever i may be) all along

i have read many theories and conspiracies... the simulation theory... phantom time theory... mandela effect theory... ect...

and my core beliefs are really pretty set in what i believe i think and i just need to face it and come out of this...

i just believe that due to the way my mind was designed or developed that discovering these things along my path of "enlightenment" or development i locked things into compartments keeping them away from the core self so that the self can function in a society not programed to live that way...

i AM really confused and need to work this out and it will take some time but im concerned that a normal therapist could make it worse as its not just trauma that im dealing with? but a warped mind... and i dont want them to look at me and consider that my beliefs are null... or to say that i am psychotic because i believe in something different... because i have done a great deal of research on these subjects trying to discover a hidden truth... from all of the religions and ancient texts... from mysticism and everything i can get my hands on... im highly analytical and think that should rule out psychosis...

maybe i am just not human or the run of the mill human...

i just dont want to go backwards again, i dont want to get trapped into the other minds and want to stay present in this mind

i dont believe in those theories i mentioned btw, they are just examples... although the mandela effect is very interesting and i have experienced it...

ill write about my "core beliefs" later...
dad is back and drinking so i cant atm...

I was born into a Catholic universe and started Sunday school when I was six years old. By eight years old, my incessant questioning got the nuns to request that my parents keep me home. They did, but it didn't stop the questions.

I had just turned twelve years old and school had let out for the summer when I picked up the Bible and, starting on page one, began reading. Reading quickly and benefited by the fact that I had no friends or social life, I finished the last page two and a half months later. Then I started again. This time I read it with a notebook handy, jotting down questions and cross referencing what I found to be contradictory information.

At thirteen years old, I took to my bike and every week I went to a different church until I had exhausted all forty-one churches listed in our phone book. Most Sundays would find me, after the sermon or liturgy, questioning the pastor, minister, etc., with notebook in hand. Not a few of those ended in me being yelled at.

Still confused, I then headed for the city library and plunged head-first into the religion section only to discover, much to my surprise, that there were other religions besides Christianity and Judaism. A year later, I had exhausted all the books in our library. So, I think I get where you are coming from...

Twenty-seven was a red letter year for me. I became co-conscious with an alter and the whole 'divided consciousness' conversation became very germane for me.

I don't particularly care to put myself in a box spiritually, but when I am forced to check one of those boxes on a form, I check 'Buddhist', which is more accurate than not, although I have blended much of my Native American spirituality into the mix along with a smattering of Taoism and Huna. I mention that because the idea of 'suffering' and our relationship with suffering is a pretty big foundational core of Buddhism. You probably knew that... Anyway, yeah, I can't really disagree with the idea that suffering is a self-suggestion and life being an illusory misconception of a false reality, though I would have phrased it differently.

Not sure that there has ever been a better definiton of 'karma' floated. Most Westerners tend to think of karma as some kind of Eastern divine consequences but the word karma actually means 'cause and effect'.

My teachers would tell me (regarding the old realities), "Let them go." Easier said than done, but possible.

Interesting choice of words you used here. The Buddhist path is called the Eightfold path and is comprised of things like, "Right thought" and "Right speech"...eight 'right' directions.

I've been getting strange looks talking about these "far out there things" since I was a child and bet you have too. You are having decidedly Eastern thoughts and trying to discuss them with a Western audience - it is no surprise that you are getting strange looks. Take your questions and thoughts to a Buddhist monastery or temple and I'll bet that you will have a remarkably different experience - a lot of understanding nods and smiles as you describe beginning steps on a path that everyone you talk to has already walked.

Lest there be any doubts, I'm certainly not trying to convert you... Buddhism isn't like that, and I definitely am not - nor would any within the monastery or temple. It's just nice sometimes to get some validation instead of 'are you crazy' looks.

Yeah, I am familiar with this cycle.

Disconnected from both self and others...

I think you've done a good job of explaining yourself, but just like here - it is easier to describe the realities of having a dissociative disorder to someone who has a dissociative disorder than it is to describe it to someone who doesn't. It's why we are here on this forum.

“to be surrounded by people that don’t understand and having to keep such a secret

(I’m deep in the “rabbit hole” and don’t have much I can type . Thanks for posting)

i appreciate that yagr, i didnt go all out with my search as i feared physical repercussions... as well didnt want to be cast out... i did try to ask and seek but when they turned me away i turned inward and stopped trusting and realized that people didnt see the world the way i saw the world and became alone... it wasnt until i gained access to the internet around age 13 that i was able to start research and studies outside of christianity because i was such isolation and social phobic ...

i ended up not being able to resist the drinking and had around 6 or 7 beers, having turned it down 3 or 4 times and finally something coming over me and going into it and making their time drinking a fine one now they are inebriated and passed out and i just feel drained and exhausted from having to put so much energy into keeping myself focused on them... at one point my dad came out of the house wanting to go to my sisters because he was like something is going on there because she said she had an ear ache and he assumed that meant that she is fighting with her boyfriend and i just slipped states without realizing it... like... "what you wanna go kill a mother ****er?"

im not understanding this at all, because i am not a violent person... but i know that i can be very dangerous... i am unstable...
seeing everything that i have seen and being through everything that i have been through one has to develop these ... capabilities... to be able to do things that a regular person normally wouldnt be able to do... which i am not happy about...

i am not saying that i am some warrior, or some great soldier, by far, i could probably not defend myself in anything, but the capabilities to do unspeakable things are there... and they shouldnt be... and i dont want them to be... these things make me want not to be alive... to not exist... to be in contradiction with what i want to be, if anyone can understand

violence is in my blood... yet i have fought it since day one... and been trained since day 0... what a confusing existence... and jesus christ is the savior... yet my creators want to kill each other... im not going into that though... as its too much...

i don't know what my problem is, sometimes i dont care
but i am trying to care
i am trying to stay away from the drugs, stay away from just getting ****ed up and doping myself up to annihilation ... alcohol is a joke, its pathetic, it doesnt do anything, so i use drugs...
but i prefer just to smoke my weed and stay away from all of them people, drug addicts, alcoholics, sadistics, everything, and just be... even if it means isolation...
i havent been able to really figure out the effects of weed on me yet because of all the drama... i just know that i feel relief... i had an idea that maybe it increases dissociation... or maybe it gives me more control over the dissociation... or maybe it causes the dissociation to stop being chaotic... i dunno but none the less its less painful then what i experience normally

i havent smoked in weeks... trying to stay strong because all i want to do is just smoke... i dont want alcohol or coke or meth or anything... just weed...
just funny how people will push alcohol on me but give me speeches about how marijuana is bad... they dont even know anything about the plant or its affects...

im scared

because i have a lot to do... but im not sure... all of this...

i have to call case manager like monday and let her know if my dad will be able to give me a ride weds to do a tour of the day program... i already know he wont be able to do that... i have to call that peer support guy sometime next week and tell him that there is no way i can get a ride to public meeting place to meet him...

worried about being able to have ride to the therapist if i am able to get scheduled with her...

wtf... why am i even here...? why continue trying?
there are other roads i can take... maybe just crawl into a coffin...
not like it really matter anyway, i cant make a big difference in this world
more than likely ill never really be happy tie,,,,

****... i dont even know what happy is
i should stop writing... my whole body is tingling...
sorry...

i feel so angry... i tried to stay in bed as long as i could... going to lay back down and try to watch a documentary...

i just dont want to exist anymore, i dont want to go through this, im sick of it, sick of everyone, sick of this planet, sick of myself

i want to say i cant take it anymore, but having other thoughts in my head to battle that thought and other thoughts like it becomes so tiresome, not being allowed

i want to die

i not being able to understand the whys i shift thought boxes from one perceptive wave to another...

just want to sleep for ever...

so angry having this mash up of perception of the world exist within.. not even just the world... of who and what i suppsed to be...

just want to hide from everyone

just wish i had some weed... it would calm it all down...


i think i am being overwhelmed... i need to escape... i need to get away from this place...
no one has done anything to me externally, i have been alone all day and all night i just am losing control again i guess...

trying to just lay down and not think about anything but the mind races with visions and conversations... think not being able to control it makes me angrier...

so tired of it... tired of this life