A question

I had a horrible experience last night (ok about to stick in some humour at this point, but won't because I do find it scary this time around), I no I have mood swings and can go from feeling all sedate to all over the place in 0.1sec...things have got better during my yrs in therapy, but one area that I find confusing is with my dog. Growing up I watched my mother lavish love and compassion on our dogs and have to listen to her a lament what a wonderful dog owner she was that I automatically thought that I must love dogs too. I've always had a dog and the dog I have at the moment always follows me around as I'm the "mum" of the house. The thing is when I come in from being out and she just wants to greet me I just can't bear her near me, I want her gone, this anger swells up in me and I feel myself turning into my mother, not the loving compassionate dog owner mother, but the mother who neglected me...I get this "want" to kill the dog, I mean I wonder how I contain the anger that grows when I feel in this "mood",..but believe me when I say when this passes the last thing I wish to do is harm my dog AND I HAVE NEVER HARMED HER, I seem to swing from loving her to hating her and find it difficult to find anything between these 2 states.

Well last night for the 2nd time in a week, I found she had pee'ed on my bed and I just wanted to kill her, I make angry faces at her and she cowers and I at that moment seem to have no way off stopping myself from wanting to see her afraid, I get stuck and I become some monster..

Last night this was the worse its ever felt for me and then I started wanting to pour petrol on my arm and set light to myself, I wanted to shoot my family and shoot passers-by and felt a sense of release that I could kill everyone and no longer have to hide this monster witin me...basically I took the side of the monster within me and wanted to destroy the world, wanted to destroy all the goodness in the world..

I started to get really scared at this point because I was loosing touch with any other part of me, I was turning into the monster only and felt anything else about me was a lie, that I am infact a monster...I then tried to give a name to thise "state" in my last attempt of trying to gain some sanity back..but this "state" seemed to rule me, I felt powerless and crushed under it, I couldnt put it back in a cave or anywhere, it was out and in control.

I rolled about in my bed in deep emotional pain and wondered how I could ever live with myself being this monster, then finally I managed to say "ok this is my illness" with that it was like a magic key, the "monster" seemed to recoll, I'd found its achilles heel.. I kept repeating that sentence until I felt "myself" coming back to normal..

This was a really scary feeling, and I am today trying to tread softly incase I should awaken the monster within..

I'm not sure if this belongs in this forum or where, but it strike me that if we do have "parts" then doesnt it make sense that some of those parts could be "evil"?? and why does this part hate my dog when growing up its the only time I saw my mother be compassionate about anything, even if did appear to be psuedo compassion..the memory of last night hurts still and believe me when I say, I dont want to hate my dog but I feel so triggered by her needing me..

hi there i am not certain but maybe you feel that way about the dog because your mom paid more attention and seemed to care more for pets , just a thought. i am sorry you are struggling so much. i hope you feel better.

(((((((((((((((((Mouse))))))))))))))))))) Sounds like a really rough night and I'm so sorry you are struggling.

It's just my opinion, but I don't think any part is evil. However, I do think some states of mind could be imitating and/or reacting to what one learned at different times in one's life. Carrying it through to what is happening today when triggered is understandable.

That said, it's also completely understandable that you would not want that state of of your brain to take action on those thoughts.

The bottom line is that you did not, in my opinion because the core of who you are is not like that. I'm so sorry your mother did not treat you well growing up. You deserved so much better.

I think this is definitely something to bring up with T. Please keep posting as you need as well. We want to be able to support you as we can.

Please take care.

(((( Mouse ))))

"it strike me that if we do have "parts" then doesnt it make sense that some of those parts could be "evil"??"

Yes, absolutely. But I would say angry instead of evil. Fantasies of retaliation aren't evil, in fact they can be very healing.

"why does this part hate my dog when growing up its the only time I saw my mother be compassionate about anything,"

I agree with ginnysky. Sounds like you resent your dog (your mother's dog) BECAUSE mum showed it so much love and compassion and you wished she'd done the same with you. It would be perfectly "normal" to feel that way. Read about projective identification if you get a chance.

"I dont want to hate my dog but I feel so triggered by her needing me.."

I read that two ways.

"Triggered by mum needing me."

"Triggered by me needing mum."

Good work, Mouse. I know you probably don't see/feel it, but you are making much progress on your journey!

Just some random thoughts.

I looked up Projective Identification and this chapter hit me..

hese patients'] traumatic experiences in infancy...caused them to feel unloved for themselves "as persons." When innate strivings for interaction, especially those based on incorporative wishes, were not lovingly responded to, these infants came to feel that their love was bad or worthless. Deprivation had not only intensified their oral needs but had also imparted an aggressive quality to them, and frustration due to the mother's lack of love had made such patients experience their own love as demanding and aggressive....Fairbairn conceptualized...aggression as a reaction to frustration or deprivation. (p. 71)

Sorry I'm getting obsessed on this topic now....I wonder then if its not the case that I want my dog to feel as afraid t dare to ask to be loved as I once did? I want her to have the fear I did...that I find anyones innocently looking for nuture terrifying...and my head says "it shouldnt be allowed, you shouldn't feel you can be loved or cared about, its unforgiveable, how dare you, I want to destroy you now! you've made me feel ashamed of what I always wanted and never got, how dare you!!," unyet inside is a child crying out for love and the big monster is keeping her from it....

yeah -all that is valid. i also think that it is not "evil" but very much in pain from watching the animal get the love you should have gotten. natural that that would cme back in the ways it is. i also went through that with my own pets - very painful and traumatizing cuz i was a kid at the time and making my pet need and fear me and felt i was also evil and a monster.
all processing the horrors of daily life. good that you are noticing it and CHOOSING not to act on the killing - like it was said, because i too believe that is your core part. Hard to deal with all that.
much support to you mouse!

I think I refuse to "own" these feelings of rage I hold inside. Its easier to watch someone else have love withdrawn, then to remember my own experiences. I am more consiously aware of this today, and am making a concertive effort to not let my anger spill out. I think also I've completely disowned the fact that T has been away this week too, and I have had to re-experience the feelings off abandoment. I did dialogue with this part of me last night and ended realising that I would never abandon "me" no matter what, that is a big step forward, I think I spend most of my waking hours trying to find a "caretaker" for me feelings, but only I can be that caretaker, *sigh* on one hand thats bad news, but on the other its the only way it can be and you realise its more painful looking for love anywhere else but inside.

"its the only way it can be and you realise its more painful looking for love anywhere else but inside. "

i think you're right!

((((((((((((((mouse))))))))))))))

I dunno Mouse,

Everytime I read one of your posts, I find something in my past that is a parallel--we had no pets as a child but when we were adults the parents had a dog they absolutely coddled. And it was a wicked dog.

I think I see a clue in something you wrote:

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no I have mood swings and can go from feeling all sedate to all over the place in 0.1sec.

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Could it be that the child within had to react in split seconds because of mother's rage that struck without warning?

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I feel myself turning into my mother,not the loving compassionate dog owner mother, but the mother who neglected me.

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Well, yes, because you NEVER experienced the loving dog owner mother--the dog did. You only watched it from the sidelines. So, how could you be the loving dog owner if you didn't internalize those feelings from a lived experience.

What you experienced was your mother's rage, so that is the only mother you become when the dog pushes a button. I think that two self states are at work here--the child who did something wrong (your dog peeing the bed) and the mother who reacts in rage.

So, the self love, yes, is the key. I am not there yet either.

Serious work here--nice job and thanks.

Miss, you always manage to phrase things better than i - say the things I am trying to say =)

Miss charlotte!!! I think you've got something there!!!!! I had an idea it was an acting out of sorts but couldn't finger it....its scary thinking this memorys exist silently most times inside us and as you say a button is pushed, the show begins. Well done!!