I'm awful at explaining this but I'll try my best.

I find it so hard to have my own identity within my DID.

For ages now, I've always done this thing where I associate a person with an animal. I don't even need to think when I do it anymore- I just do it, almost as a reflex. I do it to myself, my friends, everyone.

I guess my alters do it too, because each one of them is named after an animal.

But the thing is- and this may seem silly- it's always been a kind of big part of my self-identity that I identify with the hyena. I know this seems silly to other people, but it's helped me 'be me', to identify strongly with something.

But I have an alter called Hyena. The more I think about it, the more I have trouble identifying apart from him. He's a strong guardian alter and I think he's the oldest. I'm just scared the line between us will be blurred and I'll stop being able to tell myself apart from him... I can't really explain that part too well.

Do other people have trouble being 'themselves' and finding their own identity? Sorry if this is all phrased badly, it's kind of all a clutter in my mind and hard to make out

[iamtwilight]

Yes! Just a few minutes ago I thought that the "me", apart from other alters, has died. I thought I was going to switch and suddenly it hit me that I really have no idea who I am. Within the system I go by the name Lyra. Other than that, I don't know.

I guess what you said about the line between you and Hyena blurring would mean you two becoming integrated - yeah, I know, a scary thought.

What I decided to do is to try and try and try to accept that "the others" are me too, even though I don't know what they are up to sometimes. That each of them is a part of my identity.

What a mess. Hehe.

Katie, also confused.

[wanttoheal]

What you're saying makes sense Griffe. It's so hard when I don't have connection to myselves. I don't know that any part of me is named after an animal but I surely understand the confusion.

I think if something works, we tend to do it over and over until it becomes a reflex. There was a time where you probably needed to do exactly what you did. Perhaps even now, you are getting your strength from that part of you. With the events happening in your life right now, it would make sense as to why you would need to.

I'm sorry there is so much confusion going on. Maybe try some grounding stuff to get fully in the here and now? Thank you for letting us know what's going on.

I just have this fear that Hyena will somehow take over me... then I will have no idea who I am, and we'll just be the same person. Before I knew I had DID I always had issues struggling with identity and trying to be myself and when I was aware I had DID I think it made that issue a bit worse.

I was thinking about trying a DID specialist therapist but I'm not really sure... leaving my current therapist and I'll need to get a new one anyways.

[Kiya]

Supposedly when there is integration, no trait is lost - it is all blended in. So if you and heyna do blur, you will share all of what you both already have.

i have 2 alters that named them selves after animals - one because of what the animal represents, and one because that is how she comes across to others.

"Do other people have trouble being 'themselves' and finding their own identity?"

yes, i don't know who i am often within the group. Sometimes I think I am kiya, and then find out I am not. Or, I as kiya, think I know what is going on , only to be told from the back, that I am clueless and they are running the show. =(

Be well. Keep in the flow of things.

[nothemama8]

we had a period of time when our protector "Marie" took our body host to Texas for 4 months, don't remember to much about it, then when the host body switched back we had to call hubby to help us get back to PA, this happened over 14 years ago , sooooo we know what your feelinmg, safe {{{{{ }}}}}}