summing things up

No, this is not "that kind" of post. but as the system works together more, the more they have the means to make decisions about what kind of life they want - or not - and how to obtain such means.
The system is tired of living life this way, having medical professionals tell us "there is nothing we can do, i have no answers for you, it is all emotional", and ready to seek a new alternative. Well, not new. It is an alternative we've considered for 24 years. and each year brings us closer to it. Each year we decided if we will continue, and each year we manage to scrape up a reason. But we are done with reasons that do nothing and answers that solve nothing.
We are collectively done. NOthing can be done yet, the means are not here. It has to be carefully decided and planned out. It must be careful and thorough. We may not even have the means for several years. But this life cannot go on this way. This is not to frighten nor seek attention. it is just facts. processing "out loud" and looking at the facts. the facts don't change. The facts say we already beat the odds by making it this long. The facts say it is time to rest at long last and enjoy. We are very, very tired.
If you love something, let it go. when it returns, it might return in a different form.

((((((Kiya))))))

i'm not sure what i am hearing, but i am concerned. are you saying that there is no purpose in going on living when you can't get the help/healing you desperately want?

please will you talk out loud some more and let me understand. i care about you and i want to know how concerned i should be for you. so tell me some more.

i'm going to post in a few minutes about something good that happened for me after a 46 year long struggle against the effects of abusive programming.

i care about you, Kiya, talk to me ok?

leslie and her pixies

i am not saying i have the means right now. but yes. i am done. i do not consider it "premature".... rather that i have surpassed life expectency already. do not be concerned. it is merely facts.

(((((((((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))) Don't forget the crisis line numbers you have. Please take good care.

((((((((((W2H))))))))))))

*sigh* that is what feels like "good care" - letting myself 'leave (life) school early" because i do not feel well. Going home and getting a good rest.
I'm not going anywhere at the moment. But that is what feels "right".

that's depression talking. i understand the feelings but it is depression.

((((((((((((((((((((((((KIYA)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Just always remember that TOUGH TIMES NEVER LASTS, ONLY TOUGH PEOPLE DO. Godbless!!!!

(((Kiya)))

not all the thoughts that come to us are good and true. thoughts of ending your life are not coming from a good source. i speak from experience.

also suicide is a permant solution to temporary problems. it does untold damage to anyone who cares about us. it leaves them with questions that never can be answered and it gives them a final gift of guilt. did i miss something....? could i, should i have done more...? what did i do wrong...? why, why why....??

the thought voices in our minds can speak good or evil, hope or despair. do not accept just any voice inside of your mind check it and be sure it is not from a negative, hurtful place. where there is life there is hope, when you die its finished and can never be mended. i've decided i want to die well, having finished off my life the best way i can. if i only went on pain i'd endured in my 55 years i could say , its enough let me go. BUT, i am going to get to use the experience gained through those years of pain to help someone else and then i will not have suffered for no good reason but the abusers whim. not me!

leslie

i do care, Kiya!!!

(((((((((w2h, snowflakes, leslie)))))))))
ok - i am working on it. t knows now too and called me already. somehow having t know took some of the pressure off. i thought it would be worse to have t know, but it had the opposite effect.
we were honest and told her that the collective decision had been made to not continue, but that nothing would be done for quite some time. t said she'd help me with pain management and we'd start thursday - that she helps ppl with pain management all the time. we were honest in telling her we didn't want to continue in life this way. we're not gonna lie about it. but also that the means to end that we do have are not going to be used. so technically we are safe at this time, if only for that reason.
in the meantime kiya says she will try harder to have us make an effort in doing the things she knows we's supposed to do.

((((((((((kiya))))))))))))

know that you are in my heart and thoughts.
i'm glad your T is aware and is helping with this
l understand why and what you are saying
but enough is never enough.
hold on hunny and question those thoughts

mandyx

((((kiya darling)))) - i know that feeling. i am feeling the same way - but like leslie said, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. i don't know what you want from life - but if you know there is something you want to achieve, even if its just the vaguest (and even more vague than that) idea of what you want, its worth holding on to.

we humans face the most peculiar, tormenting problems in our life (some more, some less - wish those who experience less were grateful - but those who experience more can be grateful too for it kind of puts us at an advantage in some areas of life)

waiting.. waiting is a very good option. i find the thought that i can call it quits any time i want, comforting. but every time i feel i should quit, i promise myself i will wait.

i don't know... this is all pointless rambling, i'm trying to find the most tactful thing to say to you, something comforting, something to give you hope. i may be naive but i believe out there is something... just... something... that was worth waiting for.

hold on to those thoughts of what you want your life to be.

very glad you are working with your T, and that your T is understanding. that's what she should be.

many safe hugs,
twilight

Hi Kiya. I don't know you well, and vice versa, but I wanted to say I recognise the place you are in right now. Maybe the reasons are different and the circumstances are different, but the almost emotionless (it seems?) 'decision' that you yourself have reached right now feels so familiar to me.

You sound really, really tired of it all. I can understand that. Healing is such hard work, especially when it feels like you're just not getting anywhere at all. Sometimes, for us, making that 'decision' was the only thing that made things bearable for a little while. Knowing that we had that way out. And sometimes, ironically, having made that decision took the pressure off us just enough to make living a little bit longer a bearable option.

I sincerely hope it turns out that way for you, too.

Peace to you, Kiya. It really sounds like you could do with some right now.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Sometimes it just becomes unbearable and hopeless. That despair is so hard to see through. I know the resigned feeling of this is right for me, I am so tired, it will be better. But, there are better times just around the corner and as you heal they will come for you. I am sorry it can be such a long journey but you will heal and be enriched for it. You can find the joy within as those parts who have suffered so learn the happiness that is out there in life for each of you. I know it is hard to even imagine this where you are at right now. But, please don't shut out these thougths. Just sit with them and as you continue working with your t let them help you heal from your past. Know I am here and I understand how you are feeling.

BB

i am really tired and feeling flat right now but i want everyone to know i heard what you said. i want to respond and i can't. i heard that you all are also where i am at or close. i will try to respond in more depth later.
tc,
kiya

Kiya, I put you on my Friends list and I want you to stay there!

well, that earned a chuckle. ty. kiya

(((((((((bbear)))))))))) ty for reaching out when you also are in deep.

Luce - everything in your post made sense - to the point exactly. perhaps this will pass again. but having to reassess this every year...every month, every day... gets old. peace is what we are seeking. we know one way to find it. i wish that way didn't appear as selfish to everyone else IRL. i know w/o asking that that is the view. and yet it seems selfish to make a person stay who is miserable. if an animal or beloved pet is inujred or ill (beyond endurance), it is put down out of "mercy". why is it not the same for humans? i guess i have to have myself define "endurance".

(((((twilight)))))) i am sorry you also know that place, with everyone here.
i don't know what i want from life. i have been drifting for a very long time. I am sure that is a part of this - no driving force to carry me thru the days.

((((((((((Mandy))))))))))))
thank you.

kiya,

still thinking about you, knowing exactly how you feel-wishing you could feel better NOW, not later. today oct.21, 2008 is an important anniversary for me. 38 years ago today i had a spiritual encounter that gave me an enduring hope that has kept me alive. i had ways and means planned out long ago and had been driven almost to the point of no return. while i have had huge struggles in the years since then, i am VERY glad i am still here. i have two beautiful daughters who matter so much to me and i have had meaningful friendships and encounters since then that matter deeply.

all of that is to say that when pain is all we can see, hear, feel then we can get overwhelmed and come to believe no remedy is possible. your life matters and i want you to be able to find a way out of the troubles that make it so hard to continue. if you left life early there would be lives that were untouched and made less because you were not here to touch and affect them. your life matters there is only one you.

i know,far better than i can express, how you have been feeling and i pray you can find all you need to truly live. i care.

leslie and inside family

Thank you Leslie
Tonight in group #1 ( i do CBT Coping Skills then Survivors of S*x Abuse) No one was bringing up a "problem" to analyse so I was about to say "well, i've been dealing with suic. feelings and have a plan but trying to get throug and maybe we can look at how to counteract my sense of worthlessness" when another woman (new to group) finally spoke about her issue with her son joining the military against her wishes and being deployed to Iraq. I guess, in answer to one of her questions, I said just that right thing that hit home (i totally thought i made it worse and clamped my hands over my mouth) but she said she'd not had that perspective and felt that was exactly what she needed to hear - she kept telling me how grateful she was for my words and kept asking more things of me.

I mean - it was a huge jaw dropper for me. Here i am considering not continuing because i feel so worthless (among other reasons), and here is this lady so grateful for what i have said. It touched me just as profoundly.

(((((((((Leslie))))))))))) thank you for sharing that with me. To be honest, it is still a struggle, but I have somethings to work with now that have me a step back this direction. Thank you for your continued support!
Kiya