Do persons with DID appear to be lying?

May I ask if persons with DID or other dissociative issues are often seen mistakenly as liars?
I don't want to offend by asking this question. But in trying to understand a loved one who dissociates (to what degree I'm not sure, but I suspect it's fairly serious) I am often confused. This person does lie and admits learning to lie as a child. But other times it appears as though the truth is he doesn't know his own "experience". Finally, I'm understanding or at least think I am, that "sometimes" when he appears to be lying he simply doesn't know his own truth and it just appears that he's lying. Also, when "odd" behaviors appear that make no sense to me, he usually doesn't "know" why. For instance, he doesn't "know" why he acts a certain way or doesn't know "why" he does something. Another thing is he doesn't "see" things about himself that other people see.
Any responses that may help me understand him are most welcome.
Thank you if you respond.

Coper

i think people see the inconsistencies and erratic behavior and choices or actions and think we are lying. it is confusing to other people when we change suddenly or do conflicting things or say conflicting things and it gets people upset with us. i tend to forget a number of things due to dissociating and it makes me look careless or like i'm covering up my mistakes and i just don't remember things. sometimes i do things and can't explain why and that gets me in trouble with people like my spouse. it gets confusing and upsetting. i call it "trying to tap dance between the raindrops" and it is hard to do!

leslie and her pixie pals

My BF does sometimes have several versions of an event. It's just the way each of him sees what goes on. If there's enough emotion involved, he can even have "false" memories where flashbacks of past events get confused with today. d'you know how it so hard for the cops to get matching eye-witness testimony? Because everybody perceives something different? In a way, he lives with that every day. More than one account of what happened and memories that fade in and out.

He's not lying. Not consciously choosing to speak untrue. It's just that his reality is fluid.

Thank you both for responding.
So it could be accurate that someone in relationship with a person who suffers DID could be quite confused by responses/behaviors and even feel like they were being lied to. This is and has been so difficult, but it seems to explain a history of relationship that often times has me confused. Of course, I don't know that DID is what I'm dealing with, but he certainly "seems" to display a lot of what I'm learning. I'm worn out from thinking about it.

Coper

Hi Coper. As a person with DID, I am often accused of lying and also feel like I can't speak any truth quite frequently. Currently my mother is not on speaking terms with me because she is sick of my 'lies'... this is mostly over a very specific and recent incident that I have no knowledge of, that she thinks I should remember. Unfortunately the simple fact is I just don't.

Apart from incidents like that, I do often feel like I am lying and that nothing I say has any truth to it. This is because what might be real and true for one part of me is directly contradicted by another, and those experiences again contradicted by yet a different part. Finding truth to give to others feels like an impossiblity at times.

It might be helpful if you can remember that all the things your SO says and does that seem like 'lies' are real for him on some level. Perhaps they are just different versions or interpretations of the truth.... personal truths viewed through different needs and defences and emotional states. Keep in mind that the level of dissociation and amnesia as well... different states may or may not have access to the knowledge and experiences of others.

I understand how confusing it must be at times. Sometimes I am painfully aware of just how confusing and contradictory I must come across to others as well.

Oh, Luce.
I thank you immensely for sharing your experience. If I had understood what I've been dealing with in this relationship I would have been a more loving, compassionate and supportive person. Alas, I have my own issues that have intertwined through the years (35 years to be exact) and am only now coming to believe that this condition is a real possibility with my husband. It certainly explains a lot.
Again, I deeply appreciate what you and the others have shared. Thank you.

Coper

I do the "tap dance" too. I know for me people have thought I was wishy washy, lying, etc. It used to really upset me because I try so hard to be truthful. I used to think they were tricking me because they talked all this nonsense about me doing or saying things that I did not know I said or did. As I became more aware of what was going on for me, I became a better tap dancer, lol.

I have to say that there have also been times in the past that I have made up events in my life to fit in with those around me though. People would talk about some fun event, from childhood or adult and I never had anything to say about it because I just didn't have enough memory to know.

I do know that other parts of my brain see things differently and record things in their part differently.

It's great that you are so supportive of husband. I hope he can get the help he needs to heal and that you can get the support you need as well.

Wow, reading this is so validating to me. When I was little I used to make up events too -both to fit in, and to create some sort of "reality" for myself and those around me that would match up with what I was feeling, since I couldn't talk about what was *really* going on.

I felt a lot of guilt about that for years, until I started therapy and started talking to T about it. Now I make an effort to be completely honest all of the time, especially with T, and it's not easy. But it feels better.

Just to mix it up a bit, I think for me, I have quite a lot of co-consciousness. Most of my parts, if not all, have memories consistent with the others. There is little, if any amnesia, which, I might add, is also a rating of the condition of DID.

I withdrew, became an artist, poet, dancer type. This is probably how I coped and could hide the dissociating and finally splitting. I did not have to lie or remember what I said because no one expected a quiet person to talk in the first place.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, it could not last. As those painful memories surfaced and life's trials piled up, so did the necessity to talk and talk to a T. For clarity, one should know that this disorder comes in many shapes, sizes and weights. It's not one size fits all.

I know of people who make up stories or lie who are not DID, or who knows, maybe they are and don't know yet.

No matter what, it is important that each one take care of themself/selves, and with the help of this site and some personal work, they may be able to see their way through to what help they need to receive.

Some people would like to focus on what is called 'false memory' but I think it is more likely there are some bad people out there who don't want bad stuff to be revealed so they have to use that terminolgy so they don't get found out! My view is that there is good and evil in the world. Some might misuse DID to get what they want but I think most of us who have this condition, genuine DID people, would not. Who would choose this! Oh my goodness! You can tell!

In my family of origin there was so much chaos, pseudo caring and disguised neglect. It is taking years for each person to even see clearly for themself, little own making inroads back to each other!

All the best to you who struggle!

We have been told that we are liars by so many people, and that is a big trigger for us because our Dad always told us we are a liar and that no one would ever believe us. So sometimes we question ourselves if we are lying or telling the truth. Our core does not completely accept us because she feels she is lying if she says we are there (because of two someones whom she used to look up to as mom figures, our biological mom, and our dad), but yet she can accept all of our friends who are DID. Sorry, I think I went off subject. We have lost many friends who felt we were liars because 1. they do not know about us, only a select few knows about us because of our core not accepting us, and 2. I think because they don't know us it is very hard for them to understand why our core or whoever might be out at the time doesn't remember them saying something or "forgets" an event with them, when in reality it wasn't that part that was out, and therefore they really didn't know what was being said or what happened. I think it is hard for others who aren't DID to believe or understand DID because they have not experienced it. I hope I have made sense here. I know I'm all over the place, I apologize.

Roxy

I have never had to deal with people thinking I was lying, but I've had to deal with people feeling that I always had to be right - and I think this was basically due to the fact that my inner self knew a different story/fact than what my alter had lived, therefore, I did not always see things as every one around me did.. hence coming off as always having to be RIGHT when in fact I was just telling it like it was from my pov and not that of my alter.

I still face this issue today and I now deal with it by not arguing with people over simply matters any more... or that which I am not really sure about / doesn't effect my present life or family.

..........

I belonged to a non-mental health support group and during the 2 years I was there, all of a sudden one member took paragraphs of comments I was responding to on one topic and copied them out in a new thread accusing me of being inconsistent and making up stories for attention. In the course of one week, on one thread, I had changed my responses many different times, which I was unaware of. The end result was that the members could no longer trust what I had to say, due to all the inconsistencies and I was removed from this group. I felt deep betrayal because I had become very close to these members, we had exchanged alot of personal information, talked over the phone, birthday cards, etc. I felt comfortable there. Then with the push of a button, suddenly I was cut off from this large network of "so called cyber friends". I remember being accused of this with my family of origin. But I think it was part of their "crazy making" and challenging my perception of reality.

Hello all,
Inconsistent and hypocrisy are words that I hear often. The expressed view of one, then another from within, yet spoken from the same mouth. Strong beliefs from the left on Tuesday, strong beliefs from the right on Wednesday. The 'feelings' are all truth, the emotion is real, even the words are true at the start and at the finish, and inbetween different true words are said. Fluidity is key here, seamless transition appears as instability, and lying, to those who are none-the-wiser to our 'true life'. I/We play the ultimate charade, of a single individual when in fact I/we are many. Does that make me/us a liar? Am I/Are we justifiably accused when I/we do not give our accusers reason to know any different than what is presented? I wonder sometimes. I work so hard at maintaining integrity, especially when reviewing memories/flashbacks, yet for my own survival/preservation, I am ultimately telling the biggest of lies. I am not who I say I am. My name is not the name I answer to, I don't call you because I feel no connection to you, I forget your birthday because I don't know when it is. Do I tell you, 'be truthful', expose myself and risk losing everything that matters, not just to me, but to others I share this existence with? Or do I continue, accepting this One Lie to be forever told? The Truthful Liar?
Crisis of self. Musings of my own, not intended to offend.
Thank you for listening,
kp

I haven’t actually been accused of being a liar but my problem was first brought to my attention in my early twenties by my then husband of four years, who told me about things I didn’t and said that I didn’t remember doing or saying. I accused him of trying to drive me mad.

I am aware of the inconsistencies and the constant change of opinions and ideas. So much so that I simply stopped sharing in the real world. I write a lot about what I’m thinking and about what I believe, and reading that over I can see the inconsistencies all too clearly. I realised that it was best to keep most of what goes on to myself.

I get accused of being a liar a LOT. Some times it is because another part was out and I didn't know it, Some times my parts will lie because they don't want the other person to know it wasn't "me" or because they don't want the other person to tell me. Sometimes my mind seems to make up stories to fill in the gaps... it is really embarrassing to have gaps.... I can say though that it has been very rare that any of my parts would lie with malitious intent or to intentionally lie to someone outside our body... It is always ignorance, embarrassment or internal politics. I don't know if that is true for all DIDers but it is my experience.
BTW the safer and more accepted all of me feels (usually more by me than outsiders) the less likely it is to happen. God that is a confusing sentence!!!

It’s been an awful struggle in the past but lately it’s more like the parts are protecting each other to a certain extent and now seem to share thoughts and memories of events almost automatically. For example if someone asks me something about an event I struggle for a second, it feels like I’m searching my memory bank for the answer, and then it just pops into my head. I think that sounds daft but I don’t know how else to describe it.

Wow...I had a sudden image of me in therapy. My T asks me a question and I pause and go inside and try to find the answer. It is just like sifting through files. My inner parts are just beginning to communicate with me and so I have to "check in" sometimes to discover what I really know or feel. So...not daft at all in my estimation. Thanks for sharing.

Hey. people often think that iam lying. when im not.. by the way im saying it. and that i often forget about it,and its easier to say yes i lied, then the truth.. they will think i lie anyways.. but DID doesn't make me lie i think.
("sorry if not helpfull")

Howdy: Funny i've only called 'lying' not believing. I think everyone i meet looks at me and pretends to believe but none do, certainly at the beginning, sry have to laugh because who's lying now lol anyhoo It's tough for us to cope with so naturally it's much harder for people who have never experienced it, like having anything, unless you've had (got) it you really don't know what it's like. I wish you people who care enough to understand and you to understand.

This definitely happens to me too. I keep a really in depth journal and I get so upset when I find out that certain things in my life are changing from one to the other.

For example the other day I told my psychiatrist that "I don't think the sexual abuse ever happened. it never went on." He asks "well what about the emotional and physical stuff". I answered "Maybe I'm just sensitive. Maybe I'm just a whiny baby". Of course this makes other parts really sad to hear that others say stuff or assume stuff like this. But to my psychiatrist he probably thinks something like "Was she lying before or is she in denial now?" In total it was neither, that part doesn't know anything about the abuse and when he brought it up, it was almost shocked. Even aggressively upset.

On other occasions I may claim to be "neat and tidy" and then claim that I am the most disorganized person on this planet. I may claim to never eat meat, and then eat a hot dog. I may one day claim I like someone and then next I don't. I may claim to be allergic to certain laundry detergents, and then you'll see my use them. I may one day love coupon shopping, I may say I'm thrifty and love finding bargains. And the next I'm buying shrimp and fine chocolate at full price. One day I may have one idea why I'm so sick and the next it's something else. I make plans with someone to go to a majorly social function and then decide later that I can't handle it and then redecide that I can and then cancel at last minutes. Right now I currently say to people "I cannot promise you anything. If you ask me the day of it will make it a lot easier for me to decide". I can also have certain mental health symptoms that completely disappear overnight. One day I am crying, locked in my apartment. And that next morning I am sitting outside in the sun, talking to all my neighbors. One minute I am suicidal and the next I'm talking about my future. A sentence I get from a lot of people is. "You're like a completely different person!" I went to visit family with my mom in November and I was reclusive, wouldn't leave my mom's car. Would even attend the funeral I was there for. I sobbed the whole time and wouldn't look or talk to anyone. I worry that when I see them again they will think I was full of **** if I am not that same person. They'll think something "she just didn't want to attend a funeral".

Things like that can make it look like I am a liar, unstable, wishy washy, undependable, even borderline. I often worry about people thinking I'm malingering when my symptoms change so frequently. And I think that's why people with DID get such a bad rep. And the disorder is not believed by some professionals. Because long before we ever get diagnosed, we're black white and 15 shades of gray and written off as attention seekers or malingers.

But we're not purposely lying. I mean those things are really true to who we are at the moment. Even if one personality has a completely differing opinion of another one. It's one of my most confusing things I feel I have to deal with. And one of the things, that people don't really understand.

People make dangerous assumptions. Like "well if she's not suicidal right now, then she's feeling better. How can she possibly go from laughing to death in 60 seconds". But as soon as I switch back to that particular alter I am right back to frantically trying to survive the thoughts.

I think I wrote about this on here once. About how I can never make up my mind. And I didn't get much a response. So I'm glad this was posted.

Lydia B:
I'm glad you posted this, I'm not entirely sure why. What rings true is the behaviour, the emotional turmoil and changes which has only been able to be alleviated by the inner dialogue and acceptance, mostly, of part to part. There is no intention to offend by being inconsistent or be changeable. It's a bit like a tennis ball probably or any sport ball it's kind of where the impact is as to how things will play out. Wishing it were not so doesn't work but being more inwardly accepting makes the what may appear to be strange offshootings be less extreme and ultimately better functioning.

Thanks again for explaining it so well.

How eloquently put... I can relate to many of your specific examples, lol. Thank you for sharing.