i'm having a hard time & i'm scared

he's doing the bills and people doing the checkbook are scary. they tend to yell.

we missed our time with our T the last 3 times and don't know why we are doing that. it feels bad in here, wrong.

we are not going to make it. hopeless. we are going to paint ourselves into a corner and die there. i am so afraid. stuck, i just hate feeling stuck.

i need something but don't know what it is and it is NOT ok to not know things. dangerous to not know. we have had to fight sooo hard to be recognized as all we are, but having fought so hard it is like we are gettting stuck in the problems of identity instead of going forward to healing and wellness.

we have to make some big changes this year. we must get one or both knees replaced. this means we must begin to exercise . to do this we must get out of the house and out of the damn chair we spend all day and half the night in. it is so much harder than i thought it would be.

i have NO NO NO initiative. i care about nothing except that i care about not caring. did God keep me alive against so many odds for me to moulder in a corner and do nothing with the life he gave us??????????

i am ashamed of my self. right now i think i could be pretty happy sitting in a chair, reading books, watching tv and doing not one darn thing at all. and that would make me too much like the mother who bore me and cursed me with her life. i do not want to be like her, fading quietly, unhappily into the long goodnight, ending her years with a sigh and not even one good bye.

as much as i hate who she was and what she did to me, right now i do not feel different enough from her to not hate me too. some of us have been able to forgive her for things to ugly too put down here, some of which still warp my life. but i feel too much like her and that makes me sick to my stomach. i never hurt my children or took it out on phil, but i do things to myself that are unhealthy and wont help us heal. if i could i would destroy this body, but they won't let me. i just want it over. this life i wish it were over. why can't i love God like susana does. she got all the light and i got all the darkness. i should be dead. and yet i feel tortured knowing how wrong that kind of idea is. it is just wrong to hate life and hate myself. i am anti-life. i don't know what to do about that because i know that is stupid and wrong, but i even hate God. now that is seriously twisted and stupid. i feel like s.i. if i wasn't tired of their interference i wold probably try to do it, but i just can't any more. which ticks me off big time. it would change the mood inside and help me by letting me rotate out of here and make someone else take up the load of this stupid life of ours. i hate being me. i hate it i hate it there are no words black enough to express this feeling and i agree with the limits on foul language here. i got so sick of all those ugly words growing up. no beauty anywhere.

isn't there any way out for me? why do i have to hold all this dark inside of me?

.

I'm glad you're talking to us. We care about you. Please share your pain and fear with us. There is safety in numbers.

I hear the ambivalence. I understand it too.

It's the pain and fear you are feeling that you hate. Try to remember that.

The pain of what happened to you, the pain of the super messed-up family upbringing that led you to this place in your life, the pain of NOT BEING HEARD by loved ones, it gets to be too much.

But I hear you, as do others here. Keep talking.
Call T and get your butt in there ASAP.

((((( leslie & pixies ))))) hoping things get better for you all soon.

thank you all for being nice. i was beginning to feel like everyone hated me or was tired of me.

for so long i could not see the future and i felt i had lots of time to get well. and then my hair turned gray and i began to feel the end of my life in front of me.

i really thought i would be farther along in healing and being productive by this time. i've spent 14 years in counseling, that is not my finest fact i quote about my life! all this time and genuine effort and i am not well, cohesive or productive in this life. i hold down no job and right now i do only the physical minimum in my home and life and despise myself for it. i take all sorts of medicines for depression, anxiety and physical pain and i hate that soooo much!!!!!

right now the only good i see in the balance scales of my life's measure is that i do love my husband and my children and i do try to encourage hurting people when and where i encounter them. somehow this is not enough for me to feel like i justify my taking up room on the planet.

this is such an old debate, we were raised to be nothing at all and we live with the energizer bunny's stronger, older, faster brother - who never goes to the doctor, never stops for pain or illness either and is the poster-child for over-achievement. my grandmother used to compare my family to the dustbowl migrant workers in the novel by Steinbeck "the Grapes of Wrath". once i finally knew what that meant i wanted to slap the snot out of her for her snobbery. i felt she insulted the people in the book by comparing us to them. they were working as hard as they could to survive. my dad worked hard to provide for us but never once did anyone give one hour's thought to my future, or encourage me to better myself in any way. i grew up pretending to be invisible, reading in my room trying to avoid the mini-apocalypse which was my family. my entire goal in life was survival - so in that i was a success. i'm still here and all my abusers are dead. but i limp. not just physically, things don't stay on track in my mind and my emotional barometer changes more often than i can keep tabs on it. i do not like my self, my selves to be accurate except for one or two parts of me. susana mariah is the best of me but should be since she wasn't raised in hell like the rest of us, leslie is ok, she tries and i like some of the littles, they are quirky and amuse me. but the rest of me blek. the black hearted cynic, the whiny, sickly drama queen, the martyr, rowdy and stormy are ok, they don't put up with too much crap from anyone and i like that about them. but some of these others i could cheerfully kill them off and not lose sleep over it. the ones who feel the weight of the world and who feel every last drop of the pain and shame and misery of life and have radar for it all around them are killing me and not too cheerfully. their misery makes me feel suicidal and i can't even help them and they don't even know me. omg. it makes me want to scream and s.i. or od on meds. like right now... i need a savior. don't tell me we've already got one because he and i are not speaking and i don't know why not. *()&(*(*(U&(&)&)&)(*&* that is all the bad things we are not supposed to say on here and that are driving me nuts inside with bad thoughts and impulses. i can't call my T. i just don't do that if it isn't my time i do not bother her. ever.

i apologise for being so long and boring and moody and cynical and anything else bad we are today. we suck today. bye.

i tried to get rid of those dumb cats on my avatar and i can't remember how. gag me with a spoon. blek.

Hi Pixies... just a thought - something for you to consider, anyway - but is it possible some kind of pro****ing has been set off? Just thought it when putting your last few posts together with this one in which you say you've missed T three times but don't even know why. And then there's all this down real hard on yourself and spiralling kind of stuff. Hopelessness etc.

Maybe it might be worth asking inside to see if anyone knows anything??

Take gentle care of you all, especially the littles. Give em stuff they like to help them feel safe and loved ok?

Dear Leslie and all the Little Pixies,

I'm sorry you are in pain. I wish I could take it away. You are doing a job. You are doing the best you can to survive. And its damn hard work. Every single moment is hard. So good on you for being so gusty and still hanging in there. The reality is that people who have 9-5 jobs may not work as hard as you just to survive. Ever thought about that?
Thank you for your posts.

Pain shoo!!! Fear shoo!!! Give Leslie a break.

Possum

omg, luce. it did not even cross my mind. i flipped out around eleven tonight and just now began to settle back down out of crazyville. i was programmed to not show pain or emotion and to do whatever whenever no matter if it was contradictory or what.

i have no idea how many awful things we said tonight, but there was no s.i. and no one else was hurt by me. we just got too tired to hold the flood of rage back any more. i've just got a killer headache that no amount of medicine will relieve. thank you luce. i will try to remember to tell my T about this.

possum, thanks for the kind words i am so lonely right now that it just hurts me so deeply. it feels like i've been sort of building up to something and that something scares me, i scare me. you are really sweet.

i do appreciate the support, more than i can say well.

So glad you're settling down, pixies. That intensity of emotion is so hard to get through safely.

Breathe easy / gently.

PS. Nothing you wrote was awful in any way at all.

We want to send to all of you if you would like them. We hope you feel better soon.

Leslie and Pixies, can you accept yourself and where you are at a little more? Working with yourself is easier than working against yourself (you probably know more about that then I will ever know actually). I hear you being upset with yourself. Please be kind to yourself . You can only move forward from where you are at not from where you think you should be. You just finished up being by yourself for 10 days, you have had a toothache (and anticipating the dentist) and now you are thinking about your surgeries............

sannah,

things flipped out into the first firestorm of rage and sadness i've ever really had about those evil years of childhood. this thread was written as i began to build to my breaking point. i was able to allow myself to cry, wail, write, curse, fuss until i had it all out for this time. i called my T on sunday morn. at 8:30 am - something i've never done in 14 years. while telling her about the night before i melted down and wailed and fussed all over again about the cruel pain left in me by abuse and she was kinda pleased. it took all those years to break with intense programming to not cry no matter what they did or how conflicting their demands. those people really were monsters.

all in all i am very proud of my alters and myself. we did some significant work in the midst of frightening rage. so, thank you for the suggestions and input. this is but the first of many times of finally letting myself get
those terrifying feelings out there to examine. thank you for your questions.

leslie

This is great Leslie! I am very happy for you! Good work! Sorry that I misunderstood what was going on............

sannah, no problemo! i know you ask us questions so we can process and think things through. so, it doesn't matter that once in a bunch of times you misunderstand. right now i feel like i misunderstand a whole lot. HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

leslie/pixies