Ex boyfriend just got married

We broke up just 8 months ago. We went out for less than a year and in the beginning it was all beautiful and sweet. After only 4 weeks of relationship, he asked me if I had considered a life with him, so we talked about marriage. He seemed happy about it and even talked about children. I got a bit scared, but I was so in love with him, I told myself that all the nighttime crying was natural, because I cried a lot when I thought about leaving my parents' house, my dogs, my car, my bed... but then we broke up for the first time, when he demanded sex. I wasn't ready and I hate when people try to push me into things I'm not sure I want to do. We started seeing each other after three months of separation. And I made a scene so he broke up with me and said I am a child. He's 13 years older than me. We got back together again and this time something inside of me told me that I had to have sex with him, because I didn't want to regret the things I didn't do. I thought it would be beautiful and intense, because I was in love a long time ago, and sex was just great, more like making love, I just can't describe it. But this time it wasn't that great. It was kind of mechanical and cold. He said he really enjoyed it, that for him it had been wonderful, but for me it wasn't. After the first time, we only saw each other for two weeks more, and the last time I saw him, we had sex and he fell asleep, which made me really mad and we fought. We broke up by chat, when I told him a friend offered me a job and he demanded me to take it, cause he was tired of paying everything everytime we went out.

A month after we broke up for the last time, I found him with another girl at the supermarket at 10pm. He doesn't live around here. I was shocked. Couldn't breathe, felt like throwing up, but after a few months it passed and I had those daydreams where he came back to me, telling me that he loved me and he wanted to marry me.

His father died in october. I talked to him, but he didn't really respond, like he didn't really want to talk. He said he missed me. I asked him if I was living with his new girlfriend and he said that it would never happen, that marriage was too complicated. He had never been married before, just lived with a girl six years ago. And now he's married. I found out because of the whatsapp status update. For about a month he kept on posting hints about him getting married. I asked him three times directly and he never answered. Until the time he updated his status to "husband".

I remember how bad I felt when I thought about leaving my parents and my house, I remember how empty sex felt with him, I know he didn't offer the kind of relationship I'm looking for to settle down, where we are more like friends or a team. I thought about our lives together and all I could think of was him reading in the couch while I was washing the dishes or me having to pick up the phone to talk to a friend because he didin't pay attention to my problems. We never were so close, he never wanted to open up to me and he always found a way out, when I wanted to share my doubts with him. He also says his relationship with his brother works so well, because they don't talk about anything personal...

I don't know why I'm still obsessed with this. I really didn't want to marry him. It caught me by surprise when he asked me to. It was kind of a plus that he always said that he didn't want to get married ever. I also tell myself that I should be upset, if he hadn't asked me to marry him, but as he did and I found my way out of it, I shouldn't feel so bad.

I don't even know if it hurts or what is this feeling. I want to send him an email and demand explanations, but we broke up and it was my decision. Adn at the same time, something inside of me tells me he still thinks of me, he still loves me and would have rather married me. I can't stop thinking about him married now. What is he doing, how is he feeling, is he happy, does he love her, is she pregnant? Did he always wanted to get married, why did he say he would never get married, did he really wanted a child, who the hell is he? Most of my friends and my family tell me that he's a bad person, that he wanted to destroy my life... Just because one of the times during sex he got angry when I asked him to put on the condom and because another time I decided to better take the emergency pill and he also looked angry. He also seemed to want to take me away from my family and my friends, by telling me my friends were not really my friends and I have to take care because they envy me, and that my parents are overprotective and that it seems like they don't want me to leave them. I know it's not true. I know I have true friends and when I told my mother I was going to marry him, she even offered to pay the wedding party, which by the way, he didn't want, neither wanted to "stand at the altar", as he said.

My mom, my aunts, my friends tell me I should have forgotten about him along time ago, that I'm too good for him. My mom and my aunts sometimes get mad at me because I'm still dwelling on this. But knowing that he's gotten married, has made a difference to me, it's like he was now dead. And sometimes I want to talk about it, but I can't, because they're all fed up by now...

I'm sorry for such a long entry, but I have to tell everything, maybe more to myself, but it came out.

It's normal to feel these emotions. Probably because you are thinking about how you used to feel about him. I'm so sorry that he treated you that way. From the way that you describe things, it sounds like you really did dodge a bullet by not marrying him. But we can't help but wonder "what if." With time you will find someone new. Someone that will care about you and your interests. Someone who will want to really share their life with you. It doesn't sound like your ex really wanted that, so I'm not sure why he proposed to you in the first place.

Thanks for responding! And yes, as far as I know, he is not real husband material. Mostly because he doesn't really want to share a life with someone else, he keeps a lot to himself and it seems like the only person he trusts at all is his mother. And he is not a child, he's fourty-two!
Just today he changed his profile picture. Now it's a pic of him and his wife. When I saw he changed it, I felt nervous and just went out to buy cigarettes (I smoke a lot, but much more when I'm in distress). When I got back home and I saw the picture on my computer, I automatically said: "thank you, God, you saved me from this!". I didn't even realized what I was saying, it just came out from really deep inside. A few minutes after that, I felt bad, but not for me! I felt bad for his wife. He doesn't look happy on that pic. I've seen him much happier. It makes me sad to think that, on the pic of their wedding, he doesn't look as happy as he looks in pics of us at a starbucks. God bless the poor kid, cause she also looks much younger than him.

In the last 12 hours I've been much better. I know what I want, I know what I deserve and I woke up laughing because of a dream where I was just gooffing around with three of my favourite giys in the world. I'm fine. This will be over sooner than I thought.

Thanks again, tigerlily!!!

Good for you Agatha!! Focus on YOU. You deserve to find happiness.

Today I woke up feeling a little sad. Maybe because I dreamt of him and I found out the last two pics I keep of us together. I think he might as well be happy with his marriage and, I know I'm selfish, but I really wish he wasn't. It's much easier to think that he's the one who's wrong than knowing I wasn't wife material for him. But then I tell myself that I shouldn't care about his happiness, but focus on my own life.

I know there will be ups and downs. I still felt something and maybe I still do and it doesn't go away so easily, but with patience and trying to think about something else, it will be over soon. I know it, it's not the first time that I end up with a broken heart and it's always about being or not the right person for the other one.

And I have nothing to be sad about. A guy I liked a long long time ago, told me things that almost made me cry! We were kind of dating those days and we were really in love, but he was taking his time to ask me to be his girlfriend. I believe some people interfered because of envy and we stopped talking to each other for two years. After 10 years, he said those things, like I deserve the best, like I'm a really smart girl and he even seemed a little embarrased of saying those things... So... He might not be the one, but they say we are lost without the tiniest hope. Bad thing is he's far away from here and I don't know if he's willing to come back. We'll see, I really need to learn to be patient and try not to control everything!

Thank you again!

Yeah, getting angry when you wanted contraception and disease protection... not good, among many other things. I agree that you dodged a bullet.

Agatha,

It sounds like you have problems being alone ~ like you don't want to be alone & you're looking for "the one" to fill the void that you have inside. Is that accurate?

There is an old saying that's actually quite true, "Love comes when you least expect it." Sounds a bit corny, but it's true! It sounds like you need to focus on yourself and discovering who you are, what makes you happy, what your goals and passions are in this life, in order to build a stable sense of self before moving on to find another man to fill that void that you feel inside of yourself. We may not always have others to show their support and love for us, but we always have ourselves.

Coming to some terms of self-acceptance really does help ~ but it takes devotion and tenacity to let go of the instinct to find the right person to help us feel secure. Try to give yourself that time alone. Look at it as a time of discovery. You aren't going to find the right fit until you know what's truly important to you (pros and cons).

I wish you the best!

Thank you both for your words. I'm really sure this was the best that could have happened.

Shez:

You know, it's not exactly like that, but at the same time, it is. It's just that in the last ten years, six guys have told me they wanted to marry me. Half of them weren't even my boyfriends and were just waiting for me to give them a chance. That's disturbing! I'm not sure I want to get married. At least not for the next few years, because I still have too many things to do on my own and with my familym things we can't do right now because of money or time issues. I don't have a job and it's bothering me, I need to be on my own for a while, before I get married, just to feel what it's like to be completely independent.

I want to be alone, but I can't stop thinking about my ex, it's like I'm really obsessed. So, I force myself to think about this other guy, just to pay attention to anything else, which I can't do with a job, because it's also frustrating not to find one.

I've dated too many losers, guys who are not what they seem and who are very different from me. As I said before, I never really believed that some people are too good for others, but now I have to believe that it's true. I've always been a good girlfriend, supportive, sweet, funny, comprehensive, and they say I'm very pretty, some of them say I'm truly perfect, but in the end, I always get bored or scared or disappointed. I know I chose that kind of guys and I have to work on that. But still, I can't help wondering if there is a guy who is the right for me.

When I met my ex boyfriend, I wasn't even looking for love or a relationship. I tried really hard not to fall in love with him, but there was nothing I could do. I knew from the beginning we were going nowhere. He always said he would never get married and that was just what I was looking for, because I'm really tired of having to say "no" when they propose to me. But, after a few weeks of dating, he had to talk about marriage... After about ten minutes of talking about it, I felt so overwhelmed, I just wanted to be ttalking about football or music instead, and I just wanted to go home. I always knew he was not the right for me. And that's what's bothering me the most: why the hell am I so sad he got married, when I didn't want to marry him in the first place? Why do they always have to talk about marriage and children, when I'm not ready?

There's too many things I have to figure out before starting a new relationship, but this guy... he's like a new hope, but for the future, because he won't be back in a while. And that's also what makes him perfect: he won't be back in a while, he also seems unwilling to get married soon and he is like that imaginary love that always gives us some kind of hope. But I'm sure that, if there was a guy here, I wouldn't want to go out with him, because I still have too many mixed feelings about my ex boyfriend and I want to start clean, free from anger, regret, sadness and even love, to give the new guy all the best of me.

So, the problem is that I can't seem to find the one for me and I'm wondering if I ever will...

Thank you again, and I'll take your advice and try to focus much more on getting to know myself a bit futher.

I think saying it to someone just helps. Breaking up is like a death. It takes a while to get over. He does sound like a narcosist. Pitty the poor fool that married him. When you are in a loving relationship some day you will be so glad to be rid of him.

Thank goodness I'm not the only one who believes he's a narcisist. One of the reasons I broke up with him, was that he's metrosexual, but in a very strange way. I like men who wear perfume and try to look real good, but this one is also extremely excentric. He always wears weird clothing, trying to look like the classic gentleman from the 50s, but he just looks out of place. Sometimes ghe dresses like a pathetic mixture of The Godfather and Travolta on Grease: leather jacket, jeans and fedora...

But the worst part is that he noticed and enjoyed everytime someone told us we looked very good together. He couldn't stop bragging about the times when a man told him he was really handsome and that it was reasonable for a girl like me to go out with a guy like him. Also about one time when an artist told him he wanted to paint us, because we looked like characters from an old movie...

And no, that was not the worst! He used to say that he also has long and culed eyelashes (cause I have them so), that he also has curly hair, that he also has too many clothes, that he also spends a lot of money on creams and treatments, that he also... A lot of things that made me feel it was a competition, but one that I am used to have with my girlfriends, not with an older man I'm dating (for the record, he is the only one that old I ever dated).

He is also used to demading and telling others what to do, he believes he's always right, he never takes any advice and never pays attention to what others really need. He tried to tell me what I should give him as a present for Christmas, but I hate when people tell me what I have to do, so I bought him what I wanted. He kept telling me how to dress and what to eat (I have allergies, so he said he was only taking care of me). But well, the more I remember, the more I'm certain I really dodged a bullet!!!

Than you, guys, I really appreciate your support!!!