Depressed beyond words- its all over

When I was turning 30 years old my wife threw me a surprise party... 20 of my best friends showed up and we had a blast.

Tomorrow I am turning 40. This week my (ex)wife and my kids are moving the last of their things out of my house. I found out my then wife wanted a divorce about 3 months ago. I was completely shocked. I knew we had problems, but nothing that I thought was beyond repair. We have 3 children together- 8, 4 and 2 years old that mean the world to me. My favorite thing every day is reading them books at night and brushing their teeth and giving them kisses and tucking them into bed. I have tried very hard to be a wonderful father, I take my kids to the park, I play with them, I go to every event that I can at their school/day care/etc. But I guess my wife and I have been drifting apart. When she told me she wanted a divorce I was devastated... I suggested counseling, group therapy, etc.

The divorce itself happened very fast. She had been planning it for months so she had all her ducks in a row. I was completely blind-sighted. She had been under legal counsel for months, I could only afford to see an attorney for a few hours one morning and then was on my own. I did manage to get joint legal custody of the kids and since the house was mine before I met my wife, I got full legal rights to the house as well. We decided to wait and not tell the kids about the divorce until after our oldest child got out for summer break. Her last day of 2nd grade was last Thursday, so on Saturday we all sat down and told the kids about the divorce. We had no idea how they would take it, but I never in a million years expected the response we did get. After explaining that they would be moving in to a new house (without their Daddy) they got really excited and started packing up their toys.

I know in my heart that my kids love me, and I know they don't really understand what is happening, but right now I just cannot watch them pack up all the toys that I watched them get over birthdays, XMas, Easter, etc. Toys that I personally picked out for them and bought for them when they were home sick. My daughter picked out a picture of her and me and said "Don't worry Daddy, I will hang this picture of you in my new room and I can remember you!" I guess they are going to be fine without me. The thought of not being there to read to my kids every night and tuck them in bed or see their face when they can't sleep in the middle of the night is killing me. I understand that my marriage is over, and in reality I am ok with that. All told we were together for 16 years, and over the last few years we drifted apart. But damn it those are my kids too, and how is it right that she can just take them away from me!!

Like I said earlier, I have joint legal custody of my children. But as anyone who has gone through divorce knows, that doesn't mean "joint time" with the children. I get the kids every other weekend, every other holiday, and a couple of hours every Thursday. This is the part that I am having the hardest time with, and the part my ex-wife just doesn't seem to grasp in terms of its significance. In the span of two months when my ex-wife decided (after months of legal advise and the advise of her bitter 5-times-married now-single-again mother) that I go from being with my children every day (lets see that's 365 days) to every other weekend and 2 hours on Thursday? I have spoken to many friends, counselors, people who have gone through divorce, and almost everyone says the same thing: You must do what is in the best interest of the children. And deep down inside, I know it is in the best interest of the children to not be living at mom's house one week, then packing up and living at dad's house next week. But I am completely... utterly, heartbroken.

This is the last week they will all be living in my house. Officially I have been divorced for over a month now, but we were waiting to move things until we told the kids. This is the last week I will ever have with my kids in the wonderful house that we have lived in the last 10 years, the house that I will have to sell because I can't pay the mortgage by myself. I have to watch as they box up their toys and their life and move out. And I have to box up whats left of my life and sell my house and move back in with my parents. I don't even know if I should bother. Tomorrow I turn 40. Sorry for such a long post.

Bless your heart. I'm so sorry this has happened -- but know that you are NOT alone. We're with you, if that means anything to you at this time.

My friend, you're going thru grief right now. You're grieving the loss of the marriage. And grief takes time. It's different for everyone -- some grieve faster, some slower. It's like a death -- the death of the marriage. And like death, there are 5 stages to grief: Shock, anger, depression. bargaining and acceptance. I doubt you'll go thru the bargaining since that's been taken care of by the legal system. But the others, yes. I'd say right now, you're in the depression phase. I hope this doesn't last TOO long.

Even tho the divorce decree says you get the kids those particular times, after while you and ex-wife CAN negotiate more frequent visits IF you and ex wife keep your relationship on friendly terms. If you two can stay friends, she WILL relent, hopefully and let you have the kids more often. I doubt she's an ogre and she should be able to see how much these kids MISS you. It might take a little time, after the kids start begging to see you -- and they probably will. So continue to be the BEST dad you can be when you have them, and let things work themselves out. That divorce decree isn't written in stone.

And for your own sake, get some counseling. You've been hit hard by this, and this depression is taking it's toll. Some counseling WILL be of benefit to you if you can afford it, or if your insurance will pay for it. If you can't manage it, talk to your medical doctor -- he can help. There's no need to suffer like this. Believe me, I know.

God bless you my friend -- and keep posting cause it helps. We'll be here. Big hugs, Lee

I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. The kids are the No. 1 reason I will not give up on my marriage. I do not want them to not have both mom & dad every day. I also do not think I am capable of "sharing" my children. Even if they were to be with dad for one weekend a month, I think I would literally die if my children were not with me for that one weekend. But that's my issue and I'm not trying to make this about me.

You are going through a difficult time that many others have gone through. You will survive but that doesn't mean it will be easy. I am sorry you're celebrating a milestone birthday that will forever be marked by the events of recent months. I wish I could really give you a hug. And buy you a drink

It feels so good to just write everything out. Thank you both for replying. I have read over and over that half of all marriages end in divorce these days, but I have had a close group of friends (about 10 married couples) and I am the first one in our group to get divorced. The last two months I have been taking a mental picture every night I come home from work, trying to savor the moment as much as possible. Part of me wants my ex to go ahead and move out already, just to get it over with. Does that sound horrible of me?

I have been volunteering to do weekend shifts at my job as much as possible lately, I just can't be at my house with my wife and kids packing up their belongings and talking about the new house. My kids are very excited about the new house... it has a pool right across the street and a playground nearby, and they each have their own room now. How can I compete with that? I know they love me and they will miss me, but most likely wherever I wind up will never again be "home" for my kids. I will be them as much as I possibly can, but whenever they say "I want to go home!" they will mean the house where I don't live.

You mentioned the five phases, and I am definitely grieving. But I'm also just mad as he**. I am so mad at my ex-wife for leaving me, and not trying to make this marriage work.

I don't blame you for being angry. I would be too, especially if she didn't even want to go to marriage counseling. That just doesn't seem fair. You get blind-sided, and then she basically doesn't want to talk about what is the matter! Do you even KNOW what she's upset about?

As for the kids -- to them, this is just an adventure! A "new home" - wow!! And they each get their own room -- wow! They think this is cool, right NOW. But give it awhile, and it won't be so "cool" anymore because YOU aren't there. That's going to make a difference to them, my friend. They're going to want Daddy. Believe me -- it WILL happen. Wifey won't tell you of course, but it WILL happen. Hopefully the kids will tell you how much they miss you when they see you.

And make sure you still spend time with your friends. DO NOT LET THE WIFE take them over! She's going to probably tell them a bunch of lies, like you beat her or some stupid thing. MY ex told MY friends a bunch of CRAP -- and my friends actually BELIEVED him, without even talking to Me! Consequently, I never saw them anymore! Couldn't get ahold of any of them, or else they just wouldn't take my calls -- don't know which. How's that for "friends?" Now I don't give a #$#%$ about them -- if they won't even get MY side of it. They were MY friends in the first place, but he was one EVIL man.

Keep posting here my friend. It does you good to get this stuff out. And we're always here to listen too. I just don't "get" your wife.

Hope you start feeling better soon. Talk to you soon. Hugs, Lee

Wait!! Can't you remodel the house so you can both live there with separate entrances or something???? I would tell your wife in the exact words you used here
"But I am completely... utterly, heartbroken." You have to make her see that! and your kids deserve better than what she is doing to them. Oh gosh...just so sad...

Living under the same roof & being divorced doesn't work.....I lived separated under the same roof for 13 years & that was worse than if I had been able to leave....the bad fights were probably worse on our daughter than if we had just gotten the divorce or I had been able to leave like I finally was able to do.

Not sure why your wife had the money for that much legal counsel before the divorce without your knowing about it.....& in most states, marriage counseling is mandatory before being able to get a divorce. Sounds like there was a lot going on that was probably obvious going on before she hit you with the divorce.

Know that divorce is difficult....but sometimes it's the best thing when we really sit down & analyze the relationship even taking the kids into consideration. I'm sure it will all work out well.....change is never easy for anyone.

Well today was the day. I spent the entire weekend with my kids, we had such a great weekend together. Then about an hour ago my ex-wife came and it was time for the kids to go to their new house. They all broke down crying, I was crying, after dozens of hugs and kisses they got in my ex-wife's car and drove off to their new house.

I don't even know what to do right now I am so sad. I have never been so sad in my entire life. Ever thing I see reminds me of them, my house has gone from 5 people and 2 dogs and a hamster to just me in about 6 months. I am all alone. I miss them so much already. I know I can call them and talk to them on the phone, and I get to see them every other weekend, but that just isn't the same. I spent every night with my kids, my TV recorder is filled with kids shows, their little toys are all over the place. I can't even eat, the sink is filled with their little bowls and forks. I would give anything to change all this, to have them back here with me.

So sorry to read this, does sound heartbreaking. With your ex, is there room for flexibility with extra summer break visits and vacation weeks?

It's an adjustment for everyone involved.

I'm sorry your so heartbroken. It's apparent that you love your children so much and want to be with them. I'm sad for you and will send warm thoughts and prayers your way. Your children love you and they will want to talk to you and be with you. The newness of having their own room's and a new place will wear off. They will look forward to you reading to them and sharing your hugs and kisses when they see you. Call them as much as you can, spend quality time on the phone when you can't be with them in person.
warm thoughts

I feel your pain....I'm so sorry.