Divorce initiated by my husband...

Yes, I have an attorney since I was discharged from the hospital because at that point My ex- was pursuing me to divorce with only one attorney's services... which I found out is illegal thanks to the professionals that helped me back then. Anyway, the divorce isn't taking place in PA but in an neighboring state so the laws could be a little different. Of course, since he refused time and again to pay the alimony amount I was asking for before going to court, right now I'm in the most risky situation possible: the Judge has total discretion about the amount of money... I already know it's going to be long term although I need to take insurance in case he dies or becomes incapacitated. And yes, of course I got money from the house sale but it isn't much unless I use it for a very small apartment or house because no bank or financial institution is going to give me a loan without having income (alimony is not an income...) Anyway, I'm pretty much in the dumps, because I cannot believe that after so many years together the only thing I got is a little bit more than $40.000 in the bank and half the house contents: moving from a four square of more than 3.000 ft, three floors, etc, etc... to a very modest rental house, seems like going back thirty years and having to begin again but now, I'm past my fifties... I'm very, very depressed and don't know yet how to get out of this... Anyway, thanks for your work looking for a way to help me. Yes, sometimes, life sucks in a big and very much unfair way.

I just found out what's going to happen next hearing before the judge's final ruling regarding alimony. In short, I'm going to be bullied by my ex- 's lawyer: she is terrifying... I don't know how I'm going to manage; I'm already losing sleep over this and the hearing is twenty days away! She is going to badge me about my ability to work (being profoundly deaf, relying mostly on lip reading -sometimes in English doesn't help me much... I'll have a translator to help me but I know that in extremely tense situations, my anxiety gets the best of me and I fumble answers, my mind goes blank... in short, I'm a total wreck. How to get leverage in these situations? How to get the Judge to empathize with me and to make her see that's not easy for me to get a job independently like any body- able individual? My ex-, chair of the department, made the case that I can go and get a job like any of the graduates there when he failed to mention that the recent graduates got a whole support network, apply to specifically post that ask for the kind of training they receive... I'm not prepared to compete with them not having the same training, nor the professional supportive network! I'm overwhelmed by my situation, a job is not a priority right now bc I don't know where to go... I don't know if I want to live here or not. The divorce shocked me to my core: all my identity is blurred and out of focus... More than thirty years invested in a relationship, with kids, changing jobs, supporting him, doing things for him beyond my comfort to show my support and love, everything erased bc he wanted to be alone, never wanted to fix what was broken BY HIM... And now he refuses to pay the amount of alimony I ask or need to keep a resemblance of the ''lifestyle'' acquired along the years working, loving and supporting each other... I don't know what I'm going to do but one thing is certain: I'm going to be a total wreck at the hearing bc I feel lost in this new and totally uncomfortable, unjust and unfair situation...

I am so sorry to read this. Enjoy your children. Find something (several somethings) that you always wanted to do or places to go and DO IT. Begin to find who you are and what you want to do. DO NOT take any calls or communications from him. From what you write, he will manipulate you to advance his own agenda. Where would he be without all you have done for him for almost three decades? I know how cold this is (I am desperately trying to grasp this in my own separation) that in the end...they can do what they want. He can lie, he can say and do whatever he wants, he can leave and stop talking to you and there is nothing we can do! Immerse yourself in you...and get EVERYTHING!

Oh man, I really do feel for you and wish I could help! I think the main thing is that the judge really understands your present inability to support yourself in the way that is fair and equitable based on the amount of time you spent in the marriage. MAKE NOTES!! Have them read to the judge with a copy right in front of her face if possible.
I am presently in PA but am leaving here before your hearing or I swear I'd show up for you!!!
My daughter and I are currently renting a home here which will become available the middle of November. The rent is 1K but I think the owners could be talked down and it is rather large, so you could have a roommate and be quite comfortable.The neighborhood is nice! PM me if you think you might want me to talk to the owner about it for you.

Thank you for your offer but I know that I'm going to be here at least till the end of my lease (June next year), my son's graduation from college and my oldest leaving for her next job... I have till Monday to think things over about what to do: try for another agreement with my ex regarding alimony before the hearing or just accept what's going to happen, i.e. letting the judge decide? It's going to be difficult for me to sort it out... If I choose the first option, my ex is going to think he keeps the upper hand as always had and surely he is going to refuse any kind of agreement; if I opt for the second option, I risk a lot letting the judge decide the amount of alimony I should receive... Of course what I'm asking is the minimum to keep any semblance of the previous lifestyle , but he has presented such an exorbitant level of post separation expenses that he ''cannot'' pay what I'm asking for... Right now, the most important thing for me is to find a therapist to calm myself and elaborate all of this turmoil... One thing a very dear friend of mine, a beautiful person, told me is that I have value as a human being outside the relationship; I'm very, very grateful for what she said to me, but the big question for me right now is ''what's my value?'' when for such a long time I defined myself thru the relationship: I was better bc he loved me (or so I thought...), I was better bc I was with him, enjoying life, going ahead, having this beautiful family, making sacrifices in order to enjoy our future together, having plans and projects in common and so on... And now, what? It's very difficult to find myself, to look at myself like this, alone for the first time in my life... The children are very supportive of me but they are very independent and full of opportunities ahead; they are not going to make decisions contemplating my situation: my ex and I made a strong point during their formative years that we moved here to give them a better chance at life, and they didn't disappoint in the least: they are very good students, tough, dedicated and responsible. Anyway, I have yet a very long road ahead to find myself...

My sister in law left her husband after 30 years, she was having an affair. She ran up the bills in the months before the divorce, pretty much to convince the judge that she couldn't pay spousal support and to have them paid off from the sale of their home.(he was a stay at home Dad who moved to the country because she wanted to and she was the only one able to secure a good job there) What a ***** and the sad part is, she still hasn't "gotten hers" yet! He died shortly after the divorce was final. He got some spousal support, but not that much. My point? It worked for her and it may work for your husband. There has to be some way to show the judge what he has done. Statements from your kids....friends...some one to corroborate what you say? Pictures of your life together for the judge to see the truth to what you claim?

I think I'd try for settlement first with him and asking for well over what you think a judge might give you and then negotiating down to something you can live on.
He totally screwed you, what else can you say about it...nothing really can change what he's done. I don't think he has a conscience.

I already tried to settle THREE times but he refused! And he got mad bc i moved put the house (it sold in less than two months) without doing anything he keep asking me to do: to sell all the house contents at auction, or compensate him in the amount of $20,000, or compensate him for the mortgage he paid during my staying at the house, and so on... Well, his demands were so outrageous and disproportionate, that I kept asking myself how could his lawyer let him proceed with his demands!!! I'm contemplating going for another settlement but I'm pretty sure that he's going to refuse again bc it will look like that I'm afraid, and he'll want to take advantage of this... Since I don't have any idea what a reasonable alimony is like, I don't know if I'm asking too much, but to give you an idea, my ex told me around the first half of 2012 that finally we could consider ourselves in the ''six figures'' bracket, although he earned almost ten times as much as I, but in my view, we could finally say that we got what we wanted and where we wanted to be at this point in life: successful kids, a good house, good jobs, solid relationship... or so I thought. There was nothing I could do to make him realize how much he was going to lose: of course, he already was beyond this, had already mulled his decision during three/ four months... and that was it.

Well what I can find for PA indicates somewhere around 40% of his NET income, assuming that YOU have NO income. What state is it in? I can try and check more for you. BTW, my brother-in-law got $1200 in California and she made six figures. That was with no children to account for as they were adults and not in school. Did your ex agree to help with college?

Can you get income tax returns???

I have all the documents necessary but he's better off with personal property that generates income abroad (very difficult to get documents about this although I brought ownership title and tax returns); the state where the divorce is being resolved is WV... I think your brother in law was ripped off! $1200 is nothing in CA, although in my case I have in my favor the long time married, 27 1/2 years... And what I'm asking is way less than 40% of his income: it's around 1/4 of his declared earnings, not his total income that's a little bit more (I know for experience...). And yes, he's paying for our son's last year college (I suppose with the $30,000 I paid him for ''our'' house back in our country, a very modest and small one, but still...)

Understanding and Calculating Alimony in West Virginia | DivorceNet.com

This link has some good info. It looks like WV is 30% of his GROSS income and they might make an adjustment for the tuition he is paying. You need to prove he was "at fault" for this divorce and I think that can include being "cruel". He knew he would pay more if he was caught in an adultery situation, so I'm still betting there was or is another woman involved. Maybe a PI would be worth the investment???

Thank you very much for the link. I cannot find where you got the 30% of his GROSS income as an estimate for the alimony... This would give me a little hope of getting what I'm asking for alimony. And no, he isn't at ''fault'', he only wanted to be alone... simple as that. But he didn't calculate all the emotional and financial implications of a divorce: he assumed it was like getting a driver license or something like that. He really wanted out of the responsibility of a marriage bc there wasn't any sense anymore in the relationship for him... In my humble opinion he was under a lot of stress at work and this combined with certain circumstances to produce a perfect storm for a ''midlife crisis''... and that was it.

http://divorce.laws.com/alimony/alim...-west-virginia

Sorry but 30% is what most states use, apparently WV does not specifically use the above "alimony calculator" It's a starting point though.

Yesterday was the last hearing, the judge made the final rulings regarding property division, debts and so on... I have the most profound feeling/ conviction that the ruling wasn't ''equitable'' at all... I was made to pay for some things that I consider were totally unacceptable: a debt incurred by my ex under fraud (a second mortgage on the house without my knowledge or approval), and the principal paid by him while I lived at the house after he left (more than $10,000)... If I had known this, I have asked for selling the house immediately after he left! It's like I paid a late ''rent''! And the document drawn establishing the conditions under which he was paying for temporary alimony and so, made VERY CLEAR that he was responsible for everything pertaining to the house (mortgage, insurance, bills)! Let's see, I got permanent alimony (28 years of marriage) at a rate of way less than the 30% mentioned by someone in this forum... I don't know what to think: how the law and the rulings are supposed to protect a little the lifestyle acquired at the point of divorce? This is not what I'm experiencing right now. I confided a lot in the professionals that counseled me: 'Don't worry, you are going to get a good alimony, you can travel, do your thing, he's going to pay...' And in the end, he got MORE money than me after selling the house! Popular culture got it totally wrong with the idea that the law protects the less able/ favorable party! I'm in the position to begin from ZERO to look for a job, minimal experience (only five years working as a part time), displaced (moved to another city where I don't know anyone), with no network of professional contacts... all the while he has his very important post (Department chair), his professional and social standings untouched, already bought a smaller house for himself, a car... This picture is completely WRONG, people! And I keep thinking what happened, why, and so on... I loved him and supported him to the best of my abilities, both of us highly educated people, looking forward to the next phase in life... that he decided he should go on ALONE. I never saw it coming, never had an inkling about his unhappiness or whatever so much so that the first time the word ''separation'' came out his mouth, that was it, there was not turning back. And he kept marching on with his professional plans like nothing happened, asking for the divorce almost to the month after leaving the house... Of course, try to explain all of this to your family back in your home country: for them, it's impossible to understand or comprehend... The kind of money juggling I had to do to move, pay rent deposit and so on, I couldn't have done it without my daughters lending money to me! And I was ordered to return the money I asked him for paying ONE MONTH RENT! My head is yet spinning under the unfairness of the whole process and I'm not going to mention the kind of lows I was delivered during the hearing... I need objective views about this, people. And for that, my very big thanks in advance.

oh boy that sucks but I just read this FAQs 6 - Divorce - Hearings and Decisions | Legal Aid of West Virginia and it says you can appeal???
I sure hope so!!

I find that you are very invested in my case. Why is that? Do you have experience regarding divorce and division of assets? I'm yet reeling because I never expected the judge's ruling ordering to reimburse my ex 100% on the Conrad credit; like I said, should I have known this was possible, I would have asked for selling the house IMMEDIATELY after he left... But I decided to wait hoping for him to come back and I paid very dearly for my hope... And regarding the lows that were thrown at me during this hearing (mental illness, the suggestion of renting my house back in my country to my brother, poor him, with his income getting eating away by rampant inflation, was ludicrous, preposterous and offensive to say the least- I paid dearly for that house also). And now, I should go back to live like a graduate student, having left that period way back in the 90's... The only positive thing it was that the Honorable Judge ordered him to pay my attorney's fees: like I said, why should I pay for something that I never, ever wanted to happen??? It's HIS DIVORCE, he should pay for it. Very simple and blunt reasoning, and I was surprised that the Judge ordered him to pay for it. Anyway, I don't see/ feel/ recognize the ''equitable'' principle applied in this case: I moved out, I have not job prospects so far, I'm living in a rental unit that is the worst living arrangement since I came to this country twenty five years ago, I put into a savings account the money I got from the house sale -minus what I paid for the house abroad, the one where my brother is living in, and that's it, I'm living day to day... Fortunately, next month I'll be able to buy health insurance with the increase in alimony (this is going to allay my anxiety a little), don't have TV service in order to no spend on ''luxuries'', don't have a smartphone -only a prepaid cell phone, never eat out, don't go to movies, museums, whatever... and keep questioning myself what happened and why it happened. If my ex expect to amend the relationship with our children after all the mistreatment... he is way off in his thinking: the three of them are outraged and very upset about how he behaved and failed in his word before them.

I was just trying to be helpful. Actually, I've been through 1 divorce and 1 annulment. The divorce wasn't even needed, as it turned out he was still married to his first wife. He actually sold the house we bought together and lived in, bought a bar, ran it into debt and after I caught him cheating, he gave me a black eye. Oh, and he left me with the bar, which I had to sell six months later to pay off the bills and back rent on it. I was 19 when I married him and had just been attacked and stabbed while at work. I married the first man to ask. It lasted 4 years. Did I get screwed? YUP

The second one was a few years later. We lived together 1 year and then eloped. It lasted another month, maybe...he drank too much, rather like my abusive father, so I left him with no more than what I came with. (he made sure of that)...did I get screwed? YUP

Third and present one told me he was divorced...not true, but he was the best of the bunch so far, so he divorced his wife (he was cheating on her with me, but like I said I thought he was already divorced) and we married. Still together 34 years later. I took care of the finances though, so I always was prepared, if he ever wanted to leave me.

You were too trusting but that is a very sad commentary for marriage, isn't it?
Were I you, I wouldn't give up, if you can, in fact, appeal. Unfortunately for you, if you appeal I doubt he's responsible for attorney fees. IDK, maybe call around and see. You said you had a lawyer, I thought anyway, what do they say about the settlement?

I see you have a lot more life experience. Anyway, let me be clear: I loved my husband very much, I never had a bad thing to say about him, he was the most intelligent, funny and responsible man, a very good father, a very well rounded person... I yet don't know what happened, what overcame him to make such a hasty and totally out of character decision... I'm yet disconcerted, overwhelmed and appalled by everything that happened. Yes, there were some issues but I assumed them to be part of the trade off in a partnership: you accept the other with warts and all, and more so after a long life together. I let him be, never complained not wanting to be seen as b...ching, assumed that he needed his space, and so on... to found out that he was labeled as a ''codependent'' by his therapist!!! Codependency my a...!!! What were his issues, I never knew nor will I know... But now, yes, I think I will appeal because how this business ended seems to me very lopsided and unfair: I got way less than a 1/4 of his total income as a permanent alimony. I cannot figure out the judge's reasoning behind her decision, so I'll expect to receive the final document to make a decision regarding to appeal or not, but, yes I'm inclined to do so... My lawyer was very frustrated and upset at the ruling, it was very clear that she wasn't expecting it. And there are a lot of other issues to make clear yet: how I'm going to build my retirement fund at the same time that him? how I'm going to get the alimony amended each year he gets an increase in income? what about his property abroad when it'll begin generating income for him - FATCA anyone? ... I cannot believe yet how I ended like this when I always made for him what it was expected, what he asked for and so on...
Thanks anyway for your interest and support; a lot of the tips I received from you helped me to have a more accurate perspective of what I was immersed into.

Hi Friend

I think I am in the same boat as you. I was married for 27 years. My husband left 4 months ago. A month later, he too produced a contract he had made up for me to sign, there was a page to sign waiving my seeing a lawyer too. Then just today, he told me he had coffee with a 24 year old girl he had been seeing 5 years ago. We split up 5 years ago due to her and tried to make our marriage work. My head is spinning with how many lies he has told over the years and now he decides to be honest. I reached a simple equation when I found out about his 2 year secret affair - I had enough room to delight in my 4 kids or I could start a war with my husband. There wasn't room enough for both. As for spending 27 years with the man - my time was filled with love, caring, joy and my 4 kids. I don't have to worry anymore about what his time was filled. It's really peaceful and joyful not worrying about him - he believed he should express himself more in the end of our relationship - I told him off for yelling at my 14 year old who is like a sweet young colt. I send you a warm hug and an offer of friendship. I was gnashing my teeth until I shared with you. Thanks.