[vivaroman]

Hi, this is my first post after finding this site, I'm hoping to hear from some people who are going through a similar thing.
I have been with my wife for 18 years, married for 11 and have 3 children.
She told me last year we may have to separate for her to be happy and although if I'm honest we don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, we have managed to function through some tough times very well.

We are different people from different backgrounds, mine was stable and happy and hers was dysfunctional and unhappy (no abuse that I know of),which I used to celebrate as why we got on so well. These differences are now being used as some of the reasons why she wants to leave me.
She told me earlier in the year she no longer loved me as a husband anymore and after a summer of reflection still feels the same way.

We have functioned very well as parents through some very difficult times with three active children so with them growing up I could start to see a time where we could do more things as a couple.
I have always worried about money and we clash about this more than everything else. We live in a large, beautiful house after a big move to another part of the country which I was completely in agreement with but has now become a major problem as it is unlikely to sell quickly and for a decent price so we will struggle to support 2 households when she moves out.

I am struggling badly to see any positive outcome and we haven't even begun to think about what we will tell the kids.

If someone could show me a path from current situation to end result of successful separation with a chance to move on with our lives I could be more positive, but I don't know where to turn. I fear we will end up living in the same house for a long time which although we are very amicable, can only end up badly. I am aware that there are people in a similar situation that don't have the space of a large house and friendly relationship so I am lucky in that respect.

Has anyone been through this and come out the other side?

Sorry for rambling, V

[CANDC]

hi vivaroman. Welcome to Psych Central (PC). I am sorry you have suffered from marriage challenges. Have you consider seeking professional help like a marriage counselor. You also could find benefit from having a therapist yourself to have an advocate so you do not face these changes alone.

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts). Depression chat meets on Thursday night at 9pm EST and Anxiety Wednesday at 8PM.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Would she consider counselling? Could your fear of losing what you know and has become a routine be the actual fear rather than that of losing her? I know of people myself included that clung to a dysfuctional relationship for fear of the unknown. I curse myself for having done that. Incidentally it was easier than I thought to move on. It's not all perfect, but I am better off for it.

[healingme4me]

What do you mean, 'we will struggle' to support two homes, when she moves out?

[Frk68]

Took me a long time to let my marrage of 25 years go.I have three kids which are doing better now that I have done so.Being codependent it was one of the hardest thing I have had to face.Now that I am into it I have realized It is very doable.I reached out for emotional support,got back to the basics of what is important in life and things seem to be working out for the better.

[vivaroman]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

What do you mean, 'we will struggle' to support two homes, when she moves out?

Mainly on our two salaries we were only just keeping our heads above water. Selling the existing property may not be possible at least in the short term so I have no idea how we will manage.

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[vivaroman]

Originally Posted by rcat

Would she consider counselling? Could your fear of losing what you know and has become a routine be the actual fear rather than that of losing her? I know of people myself included that clung to a dysfuctional relationship for fear of the unknown. I curse myself for having done that. Incidentally it was easier than I thought to move on. It's not all perfect, but I am better off for it.

We are going for relationship counselling but on her part it is not for reconciliation, just to deal with our relationship during the separation which is very amicable so far. I'm not sure of the merits of that but I'm open to try as the one positive at the moment is we are committed to remaining friends.

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[vivaroman]

Originally Posted by Frk68

Took me a long time to let my marrage of 25 years go.I have three kids which are doing better now that I have done so.Being codependent it was one of the hardest thing I have had to face.Now that I am into it I have realized It is very doable.I reached out for emotional support,got back to the basics of what is important in life and things seem to be working out for the better.

Thanks for this, what age were your chores when you separated?

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[Mike_J]

I lived in the same house with my no ex while we were going through our divorce, a total of 14 months. Our divorce started off bad but became very ugly, but due to our temporary agreement that we had in place it was impossible for either of us to move out until the divorce. One thing we looked at early on was filing for bankruptcy, but didn't, I'm not recommending it but if it is something that you will need to do it's better to do together before the divorce. My divorce was two years ago, and I'm SO much better now, it might look overwhelming now but you don't have to figure everything out today, just deal with issues as they come up and you will get through it.

A couple of pieces of advice.

To the extent possible try to keep things civil, things might turn ugly, but don't be the one that takes things in that direction.

And this is a big one, knowledge is power, do some research about the divorce laws in your state, many lawyers will give you a free consultation, take advantage of that to educate yourself. If you can work out an amicable divorce without lawyers it will be better for everyone, but knowing the "rules" is important.

Make sure you understand all of your financial information, bank accounts, debts, investments. Take steps to protect yourself, there are a lot of "dirty tricks" that people can play during a divorce, don't do them but make sure your protected from them.

[Curry]

My soon to be ex is living on his boat. We are trying to separate our finances amicably, it is good to work out things - kind of like a manifesto for us parting. My kids were just tired of us fighting, us being friendly helps them a lot. Positive outcomes - I have moments when I feel like a silly teenager again which is nice. There is no more anger ringing through the house. It is lonely but not as lonely as living right next to someone who doesn't want to be there. I am not sure you can control this, I send you a hug and advise you to ask and say yes please when anyone offers you comfort.

[OfficeWarrior]

Money money money money... That's mostly what i read when i read your post.

Money isn't the root of all evil, lacking it and spending money you don't have is.

I spent most of my life renting a small apartment until I felt financially secure enough to take out a mortgage. Unfortunately for me i had recently become a business owner and although the numbers were good the bank didn't feel secure enough giving me the loan (it really wasn't all that much, just 220k)... they were so kind as to wait until 2 hours before the deed would pass to inform me, so i had to do the impossible to get the paperwork to the current owner or i would have been stuck with the purchase and likely would have had to sell my business to make good on it.

So i told my bank that they could shove it for now and in the future and just saved money till i could outright buy a place. It was a downtrodden, mushroom inhabited, leaky pile of bricks and rotten wood when i bought it, but a little elbow grease and a few trips to the hospital later it's looking like a proper family home.

I'm in a pretty crappy marriage myself (i WISH i could get divorced honestly), and it's good to not have to worry about house payments and debt. It's that little drop that keeps the bucket from overflowing, knowing that your future is relatively secure makes emotional and relationship issues that much easier to deal with.

Not that this could ever save my marriage, BUT i do see and hear a lot of couples ultimately separating because of money related issues. It's never 'just' that, but it's always a factor.

Not sure the rules where you are, but if she is working, she is able to support herself and you should not be responsible for that. It would likely mean paying her out for her share of the house or selling it and dividing the proceeds but you shouldn't be responsible for her cost of living expenses. If she wasn't working and you were her sole means of support that would be completely different.

[jaymoq]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I have been divorced and it was a really tough situation. I initiated the divorce due to his bad money spending habits and his not having any motivation to a) get out of debt and b) have any plan for his future. He was happy to coast on as little money as possible and I wanted to go places, make money, and eventually get to a more secure financial future. So, I can commiserate with money being a strain on a relationship. If two partners don't see eye to eye on finances and agree on things like that, it really can take its toll.

Going to counseling will be beneficial and I really support it, even if it is just to learn some coping strategies during the separation. Typically separations involve the intiatior and the other party. Someone will always be less enthusiastic and oftentimes downright against it. If you are struggling on a personal level, you might look in to seeing a therapist on your own a few times. If money is an issue, your company might have an EAP program or there are sometimes over-the-phone or online counseling options that are less expensive than face-to-face talk therapy. And, obviously, you've made a great first step coming here!

I don't have much of a suggestion for you except to keep your head up, know that it DOES get easier, and to take care of yourself. I am sorry this is happening to you. She has made this decision so she needs to play a bigger part in figuring out how to separate amicably and to figure out this house situation. Can you do a quicksale? Are you upside down on the mortgage? Can you just sell it for what you owe and be done with it? Sometimes, we have to make a sacrifice in the name of speediness. When I went through my divorce, I sold a vehicle and a horse trailer at what I owed. It was a DRASTIC decision but not having that monthly payment and breaking even was worth it. The alternative was battling it out in court and I didn't want that.

Hang in there!!! Always feel free to come here for support and to vent.

[vivaroman]

Ok 3 months on, I had all but accepted the situation, we were getting on ok, the finances are dire but once you accept that and move on then it becomes easier. We have been seeing a counsellor to deal with our separation but not for reconciliation. Things were ok. Until tonight. I came home from work to an empty house and an iPad still logged into her private email account. I looked and just found a snippet of info to say 99% certain that she had slept with someone in the summer. This goddess of a woman who i respected so much for having the guts to call an end to our marriage couldn't wait until the end and snuck off while away for a job interview. I'm not foolish to think that this was the reason we are parting but it has put a final part of the jigsaw in place. She told me 3 months before this happens that it wasn't about sex and she wouldn't care if she never did "it" again. This is the only thing I didn't believe as she has always been a sexual person. Never did I think she would do "it" again before I had even moved out.
How do I process this emotionally and legally? We both have shared asset in the house and she has said previously that when it is sold she would look for a larger share given my slightly larger salary. Does this put me in a stronger position or does it not mean a thing in the longer term? In the end it won't mean much as once the estate agent and solicitors have finished there won't be much to show for both of us.
As officewarrior above put it, I was focussed on the money side of things for a bit but I'd accepted that supporting two houses is crippling for anyone and kind of embraced the thought of living alone. Now this has happened I have become more defensive and have started to think differently.
Sorry for the rant but it's been quite an evening....,

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[divine1966]

I live in no fault divorce state. If she cheated of not in irrelevant to the outcome. Some judges would look into it when considering spousal support but from legal stand point if doesn't matter. I am sorry though as it is very painful discovery. Sending you hugs

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[Sparkles4me]

wow..i truly understand...as my situation is not exactly the same, but the feelings behind the circumstances are real. Its harder when money is key. Counseling would be great, but she has to be willing to want help heal the marriage.

Women are not as complicated as some make us out to be, but it sounds like she's hurting emotionally. Sometimes men don't know how "reach"us and we get so frustrated and in turn we want to move on. I pray that you will be able to give her space to examine her life and then, don't give up. if she loved you once..she can love you again. Sometimes we need to go back to the basics in order to heal (this is what I'm trying to do)..not an easy task. but well worth it in the end. hope this helps.

[Sparkles4me]

oh...she cheated...I didn't see that part...her heart is with another man...thats sad because she didn't even give it a chance..even though cheating is not the end of the world because men have cheated for years and women forgave then. This is not to condone cheating but to say that, Im sure you married for better or for worst and that is something that will take time but you CAN forgive if you choose to..

More importantly, the marriage is already in a state where she has given her heart away.. and probably because she felt unfulfilled in some way. I would still give her space and you.... be healthy..... by not having ill feelings towards her. again, counseling would help if she's willing... I've seen marriages restored from cheating spouses, but not from financial difficulty. However, its still possible if you allow the process to happen.

[vivaroman]

Ok, so she's confirmed she had slept with this guy and she has feelings for him. It was just once and it isn't the reason for the end of our marriage. Now I know it wasn't just once, whether it was a full on affair over a long period I'm not sure. although I don't want to know details of what they did, I really want to know how long it's been going on and how many times they met. He lives 300 miles away so opportunity would be sparse but is it a case of the more I dig the more miserable it will make me or would I find closure in finding out the whole truth?
Our lives are entwined whether we like it or not with the 3 kids and I'm worried that every time I see her I will have this bitterness that she has not told me everything. I think I would respect her more if she did.
Has anyone else been in this situation and how did it make you feel if/when the full confession came?
Thanks for all the help and support, it really helps x

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[eskielover]

My situation was much different & there was no cheating on either side....I just could no longer tolerate all the crap I had to put up with....it was financial irresponsibility & I could never trust that he would communicate to me let alone tell me the truth....found out after I left that I had been dealing with someone with undiagnosed Asperger's for 33 years.

The last 13 years of the marriage we just lived together under the same rood but in different parts of the house....it was a nightmare. Our daughter was just in her senior year of high school when I lost my engineering career & everything came to a fighting head that exploded. Financially we couldn't sell the house & there was so much debt after all my mental hospital stays. All the mental health care people thought it was my loss of career that was the problem....the year after I left I realized that it wasn't my career but him that was the problem & had been from the beginning. Sometimes unknowingly we go ahead & get ourselves into marriages that never should have been from the beginning.

Honestly you might want to find out more from your wife what she found to be the problem with your marriage then about the affair she had because finding about what went wrong with the marriage could help you fix things that might have come from you for your own future benefit & growth process of your own. The reason marriages fail is never one sided (or at least mostnofnthe time it's not). I realize I didn't have patients to deal with someone like my H where another woman might not have had that problem. I reacted to him the way I did because OD the dysfunctional family I grew up in....nice parents but totally dysfunctional though they would have denied that....my current T clearly calls it dysfunction...& I created my own dysfunction fighting to never be like them. All the little pieces do connect when we start to put the pieces together.

All the things that my x-H's parents & family said about him fit perfectly into the Asperger's picture once I learned what the picture looked like. Sometimes it takes years to sort through all the information &'putnthenpieces together. Easier when out of the relationship without all the emotional fighting getting in the way.

Like I said....more important to know the REAL REASON why your wife found the marriage NOT satisfying then the details of the affair.

[vivaroman]

I do know what you mean, however I'd come to terms with all of that as the process of separating had been going on for about 4 months. We were friends, now I want to know the depth of the deception. During the summer, knowing what she'd done, with me in the dark, I had supported her with her further education, slept with her (just to keep her warm) in a tent, spent time at a counsellors to try to find out how to remain friends after all of this and all the while I was being lied to. I'd been feeling guilty about how miserable she was feeling.
I feel very foolish and want/need some answers as to how long I have been deceived.


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[Curry]

A friend told me that the mistress my ex used to have, while we were married, no longer counts as something important, now that we have split up. She is now the girlfriend and no one cares what happened before. My daughter met the girlfriend, and the girlfriend was talking about her friend whom she thought was behaving badly because she was carrying on with a married man. My daughter just sat there thinking 'Do you not realize you were the one stealing my dad's time and attention from his wife and four kids for the past eight years?' However, she didn't ask the question, it was not worth it and we had a good laugh when she came home. I found there is a clear choice to make on what feelings I chose to have in my life - I could choose love and concern for my kids or I could choose obsessive anger towards my ex who hasn't really thought about me for a long time. I send you hugs - this stuff hurts so much.

[vivaroman]

'I found there is a clear choice to make on what feelings I chose to have in my life - I could choose love and concern for my kids or I could choose obsessive anger towards my ex who hasn't really thought about me for a long time. I send you hugs - this stuff hurts so much.'

This sentence helps so much, even though it's simple I'm going to remember it for a long time.
I've been going through hell the last week imagining all the scheming and feeling so foolish. Last night I decided to confront her to try and and get more truths out of her. She stuck to her story very well but I woke up this morning like a weight had been lifted. Either she's lying or telling the truth, none of it matters. If I discovered a hideous deception lasting years it would be too much to bear anyway so I am now determined to be focussed on the future.
I would love to say I would forgive and forget the pain she has caused me as we will need each other and she is genuinely a lovely person but this is going to take time.
Thanks for your words Curry, they may help shape the rest of my future.

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[Curry]

Keep talking to us vivaroman. I reach out when I am feeling pain and it helps. Being betrayed, losing someone - this stuff keeps on popping up in my life, in different forms and in different ways - like herpes. Sharing helps me to bond to new people, sharing my fears, times I need to get through the day. I send you lots and lots of hugs, you sound very nice and like a special person.

[HippoMey]

Hello viva roman,

While I have never gone through a divorce (never been married!), I know of someone who was in a similar situation as you were. My current partner was married to a woman for 10 years, and together with her for a total of 12 years. I never understood why their marriage failed, since it is very clear to me that he had loved her very much when they were together. They have two daughters together and had one home they lived and another one they rented. I knew that financial issues weren't their problems but for whatever reason she was just never happy with what she had. He said to me that she always tested him and always felt that he didn't love her. She ended up cheating on him as well, and eventually fell pregnant with the man that she cheated on with. He ended up leaving her when he knew of this other man, and up to this day I still believe that she is somewhat bitter about him leaving her. She hates me a lot and calls me names and she doesn't like her kids being in my presence (though she really doesn't have a choice).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that some people will always be unhappy no matter what they have in life. They will constantly compare themselves to others and to them, the grass will always be greener. Doesn't matter how much you love or care for her, she would always be that way. So while you are still fairly young, you should get out from that and find a better life for yourself. Don't remain unhappy being with someone who is always gonna be unhappy even if you give the world to them. hugs to you and hope you are getting better.

[silverrenaud]

Originally Posted by HippoMey

I guess what I'm trying to say is that some people will always be unhappy no matter what they have in life. They will constantly compare themselves to others and to them, the grass will always be greener. Doesn't matter how much you love or care for her, she would always be that way. So while you are still fairly young, you should get out from that and find a better life for yourself. Don't remain unhappy being with someone who is always gonna be unhappy even if you give the world to them. hugs to you and hope you are getting better.

I can relate to this quote. I was in a similar position and now going through the divorce process. My ex was constantly comparing herself to others and never happy with me.

Do what is right for you! Put yourself first. For years I hung on putting others first. I wish I was brave enough to make changes in my life earlier.

Good luck to you friend