I Moved Out

I packed up my Louis Vuitton
Baby I'm gone--

I grabbed most of my clothes and moved in to my own place.

I haven't eaten yet today. Just had coffee, anti depressant, an ambien which I already slept off, tylenol. The new place has no pills for me to self-medicate with. The other house was clean except for that surprise bottle of ambien I found.

We were all supposed to have dinner together. I hope I can pull myself together to put on a fake face.

The divorce lawyer said, "Ask yourself if you want to keep wearing the same old pair of shoes or break in a new pair" about whether or not I want to get divorced.

That's how I'm trying to look at it now. We know the old pair kill my feet.

Good for you!

Very brave of you!!!! Be proud of yourself hun

Good luck TishaBuv !

I think you are brave and courageous. Think of all the time and energy you put into a marriage that wasn't working....if you put half that effort into building your new life....wow. it's gonna be amazing. Take care of yourself, heal urself. It's going to be a journey...but keep your head held high and the steps small to start with. Sending you my thoughts and love ;-)

Best of wishes! Will be keeping you in my thoughts.

Some of my family and friends said I wouldn't last three days and that I'd go right back to him. Well I have lasted three days and I am not going back.

I'm not scared here by myself. I really don't feel more alone than I did when he was watching TV in another room anyway or ignoring me, both of us on our computers.

I am glad you are moving forward.

Yes, I am moving in the right direction.

It's so crazy how my h caused me years of hysteria, refusing to give me what I kept telling him I needed, gas lighting me by pretending he didn't understand, acting every time like it was the first time he ever heard it. And now he's making me feel like a villain for leaving him to save myself.

When I'm done, I'm done. I am so turned off to him. Something shut off inside me.

But it's the craziest thing I don't understand about how just last month, we took a vacation with the kids and had a really good time with lots of passion. He acted passionately like I wanted him to and I loved it, but the minute we got home he was right back to neglect and I went to the moon and lost it.

Can I turn it off and on? I am scared of myself. I don't understand this.

I really did let myself feel good with him on the vacation. I wasn't faking it. And now I can't stand him.

Oh well, I am just trusting my feelings. I need to end the marriage. It's killing me.

I'm feeling fine here by myself. Taking it day to day.

I found out he's going to the same psychologist who made me cry hysterically with his 'attack' on me. Interesting how my h didn't tell me he was seeing that same one. I feel bad that he would choose to keep seeing that guy. It just shows how he must like how that guy took his side, so that's why he likes going to him. Do they sit there and talk about what a b I am? But I am glad he's got someone to talk to, and I won't say anything about it. I found out because I looked at his credit card statement. Did I think he'd go to the woman who said there was no MI in me, I just don't get along with my h and should divorce him?

I had bad dreams last night. I am now going into a shocked state about how this marriage is really failed and ending.

Hang in Tisha !!!

Thanks, Larry! Both you and I have been married exactly 23 years.

I spent a little time with h yesterday. I suggested we both, and our son, go to visit h's mother who is in the hospital.

I have noticed that h is now trying to act like he is more aggressive because I had told him to grow a pair. But, as usual, he's doing it all wrong in ways that make me cringe.

He did something so petty and stupid yesterday in a shop and I was so embarrassed! That's what he thinks I want him to be when I said grow a pair??? I'm too embarrassed to even say what he did.

I called him a character for doing it and laughed it off instead of criticizing him. But last night I woke up in the middle of the night upset about it.

It's so frustrating! I would so love it if he would act like what I think is normal and loving.

It's like the movie Groundhog Day, where Bill Murray keeps doing things wrong infinitely until he finally gets it right.

It's not me, it's HIM!

Argh, woke up this morning feeling great and productive.

Now I'm sitting in my h's driveway too triggered to do anything. I'm trying to not act crazy. He's been working me over and we drank a glass of wine.

What am I doing here?

I am caught between married and not.

One glass of wine was a big mistake.

You don't have to keep making the mistake just because you started.


You can always walk away and choose differently.

Back to my own place, Excedrin, water, cereal bar, hot bath with lavender Epsom salt, and feeling better.

Stress and tears are bad. As much as I'd like it to be better, it's not. I have to listen to my emotions.

I called him out on the petty thing he did in the shop the other day. Sure enough, he said he did it because he thought I would like it. I said "What is wrong with you?" He said I overreacted much more than any normal person would. He's implying I have BPD.

I thought BPD people cling desperately to people. I am trying to get away because I don't get along with him. I don't really like him!

We did a lot of talking today. Nothing changes anything, though.

My son is staying with h. I feel so bad about this whole thing.

I'm thinking of my own place like I'm in a hospital. I have someplace to go to remove myself from the trigger. I am fine over here...

I don't like this arrangement with our son living with my h.

Why did I let my h force me to leave our house? He refused to leave, so I left. I thought my son would come with me, but he's happy in his own room in the house he knows. Plus, we need to continue to live in that house because it's zoned for his school.

I don't know what to do.

My ex wouldn't leave the house, either. He also tried to physically force me to stay.

I think he wanted to stay because he wanted to remain in a luxury home. He didn't want to change/downgrade his lifestyle and lose the image he projected to the world...being successful and never at fault. Someone others would admire and making me look like at fault by "deserting" him. He craves sympathy. He likes being a victim. Still does but not my problem anymore.

Like you, I saw my daughter less as it was more stable for her to be at home. I fled to our vacation home an hour away. I did see her, but less at first. My lawyer was instrumental in changing this issue.

Your time with your son will change. It will improve. Having less time in the beginning with my daughter was very hard. Tell him regularly you love him and he will see you more soon.

It will improve for you. Your son will thrive after adapting to the changes if you let him be a child and not an instrument against his father. Your son will be in a better place after this settles down. Keep that in your mind's eye.

Taking care of you right now is paramount. It is top priority for you. Your son will reap the rewards on you taking care of you. Putting you first may seem selfish, but it isn't. Your son will benefit. Making everything about putting the child first is a common statement. IMO, this puts the responsibility on the child and is unhealthy. Let him do his job, which is being a child. My T helped guide me through this.

You are a strong, intelligent woman. It will get better. PM me if you need support.

Conversation last night with my mother-
Me: "I'm not liking how my son is not with me, but is at the other house with h."
Mom: went on a 20 minute rant--
Went all Goodfellas about how she is going to talk to h today about all he put me through and how he better let me back in the house and get out or she's going to tell his parents all about how horrible he's been and it will kill them.

She said she can't stand to think of me 'sitting there like an old spinster alone', as well as dozens more things that drive me crazy.

When she was ranted out, I calmly said "well you sure went on a rant. I need to sleep on it and decide what I want. I don't need you to fight my battles for me."

So, waking this morning, I feel that I rather like being in this new place. It is clean and fresh, not full of memories of trauma, not in need of repair all over like my old house. I want to fix my son's room up nice here and have him move in here with me and let my h stay in the other house for the next year while our son goes to his school.

I believe that you handled your conversation with your mom well. Plus it sounds like you are thinking in future terms about your current home.



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Remember, this is going to be a journey. There will be tons of ups and downs, second guessing, replaying ur life over and over. It's going to be a process. Give yourself a year, just make it through the year and focus on taking care of yourself and your child. When you start looking back....take a step forward. Work on getting your place set up as your home. Get your child's rooms up. It's harder to look back when your moving forward. Take care of yourself.hoping the best for you

Oh boy this is insane. I had planned on doing just what Whisper said, but yesterday we all got together, husband, son, my folks and I. My mom, h, and I did have that chat that my mom said she wanted to have with my h. Both h and I said we do love each other in spite of all our dysfunction. We all went out for dinner and had 2 for 1 margaritas, all getting tipsy, just laughing and having fun. I asked my h to sleep at my place along with our son, which he did, and we had sex.

So now we're back together. Now what? OMG

TishaBuv... it's not insane to want to be with the person you love.. .so, don't beat yourself up. -- my emotions are so tipsy-turvy right now, I'd probably do the same thing. But sometimes the person we love may be toxic for our stability. So I try REALLY hard to keep my emotions in check.

One thing I'm committed to doing is, I'm TRYING to meet people with same interests. I re-engaged with a support group I used to attend (wonderful & caring people); I'm starting to play my guitar again.

I went to a Karaoke bar this weekend and laughed my *** off. At the bar, I FORCED myself to talk to people who sang songs i liked... guys, girls, didn't matter.

-- I know, easier said than done; especially with all our other baggage... but, it's a start!

Good luck girl !!

Mixed emotions are normal until you have finally had enough. I lived in the same house with my H for the last 13 years of the marriage because he wouldn't move out & I didn't have the money to. Went 12 of those 13 years without having sex with him because of how I really felt about him....absolutely NO LOVE. Even tried a redid action of vows but it didn't help me feel any different about him & sadly hate grew out of it. I no longer hate him....but I don't love him either & in my looking back, realize I never did. We each have our own marriage histories to deal with & I know that your having actually loved your husband makes separating that much more difficult & the WHY question always there with questioning "why can't I tolerate?

I can so relate to what Rainyday said about how the H wanted to be seen. That was one of the last comments my x made was that he didn't want a divorce because it would make him look like a failure....so what did my leaving him 9 years ago & never looking back make him look like....but yes, I was the bad guy for deserting him to his family. Blessed that my daughter who was in her late 20's by then understood though I never said anything, allowing her to make up her own mind about how she felt.

Making the break is not easy. In reality it took me all 33 years of my marriage to actually make it after making the bad decision of getting married to him in the first place