For the LADIES that LEFT

I am not really sure where the heated conversation that my husband and I had last night is going, but I think it may end with him leaving for a year to find him self - keep your fingers crossed.

And - I should have known it......
He always has to have any ideal he does in life to be his own, therefore, when I mentioned him leaving a few weeks back "he said NO" - but now since it has become his own ideal, him leaving is some thing worth considering.

Oh - well, I guess it does not really matter how we get there as long as we do get there - Right?

I am going to file for SSI online today (based on physical reasons RA & Fibro) - so any advice would be appreciated. Thx.

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eskielover said:
Lifesaver54,

I have a few questions that just hit me when reading your post....things that just don't make sense to me.

You talk about all through your marriage your husband let your children disrespect you. Why in the world in the beginning didn't YOU make your children respect you? That shouldn't be your husbands job any more than it's yours & your relationship with your children.

You say they were never abused by you, you loved, supported, & encouraged.....I think you missed teaching them respect & responsibility....that is the job of both parents not just one or the other.

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I know this one was not directed at me..... but I felt the need to reply since I have been thru a similar situation with my own two sons that are now 22 & 17.

I did teach my sons about RESPECT - of me their dad and others.... and they were very good about it until about mid way thru their teens years - when the male testosterone kick in.

This was also about the time their dad my husband took a down fall morally and he became a womanizer and started using porn for his sexual & emotional need instead of coming to me, therefore, you may have guess it the RESPECT he once showed outwardly for ME took a down fall as well (and) the boys were very much a ware of this, and learning from it.

Kids learn more from watching than they do from hearing (and) parents are their #1 role models in life, let alone the mirror image of how a man / woman are to be as they mature and grow up.

SO, you see it may not have been an issue of Lifesaver54 not teaching her kids right from wrong when they were young, but rather that of them learning (seeing) from their old man as they themselves entered the stage of "Man in Training".

Just my .2 cents and thoughts on this matter from my side of the fence.

Hey, 50 jumping in here.

If either of my boys ages 33 and 30 respectivly cursed my wife they would be picking up their teeth. I won't stand for it, no way. She who birthed then nursed them will not be disrespected in or out of my presence.

My boys were brought up to respect their mother. The can curse around me but, not in front of their Mother.

Wow, he was a Marine!!!!! Now that one just gets my blood boiling. As a former Marine and Drill Instructor we taught our Marines to honor their Mothers no matter what. You tell that son of your's that I will bend and thrust him forever. He is a disgrace to the Corps.

Just for the record, I was taking what I read literaly which is why I wrote my reply the way I did.

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lifesaver54 said:

All though our marriage he let our children disrespect me, yell at me, etc and did not intervene even when I asked and explained why he needed to not allow this behavior. None of my kids respect me and I have done so much and supported them so much-I am not perfect but they were never abused by me-instead, I loved, supported, and encouraged them.


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Sounds from the words that the husband was expected to do this training in the marriage.....not her......but that was only from the words I read....not knowing anything more than that. I believe that I am as responsible for teaching respect as my husband & yes, I believe that behavior of both parents is the best teacher, but they also have to be taught from the beginning what bahavior is acceptable & what isn't.

I would never leave everything up to a husband because I am an equal part of a marriage or all counts....whether it be daughter or sons.

Just my .02 cents also,
Debbie

I understand were you are coming from....... and from my POV I saw it more as she might of tried and still her husband did nothing to help stop it - I guess that is where two people can (and will) see two different things when they read the same story.

Its All Good

Not really for sure where life is taking me these days, but what I do know is that some thing is happening, it is like a change is trying to come forth and tonight I finally told a family member that my husband and I might be separating after 21 years of marriage........ chicken me did it in an email, but never the less it is done and now I am a little nervous with what tomorrow holds.

....... baby steps.

That is a big step when you first tell someone. It is OK to do it by email. The first person I told that my marriage was on the rocks was my sister, by email, over 2 years ago. Then a couple of months later my mother, by phone. Then a couple of months later my other sister, by email. It's really hard. Once the ice is broken with the knowledge, it is easier to talk about it in person. My husband and I just separated one week ago. Very hard. After 20 years of marriage. But it's been a long time coming. I often feel too upset about it to post here. I like to read other people's posts though, and hear what they are going through. I wish you much strength, Rhapsody, and joy in the future.

Rhapsody, I wish you much strength. I found the hardest part for me in the separation and divorce, at first, was waiting for the ball to drop. Once my husband requested a separation, it was almost a relief because I could see it coming. It was easier for me, emotionally, because my family wanted me to be free of him. If the family supports the marriage, it can be tougher being seen as the one that ended it. I admire your courage and I hope you find the support to help you through it.

I was lucky. The first lawyer I had, taught me everything about my rights and the legal system. He fully supported me in my goals and he even fought for me to get more than I wished for. When I moved, the next lawyer was simply procedural and no compassion, no effort for me, as his client. Good luck with your lawyer and the legal system.

Lori

I knew it was time to go one minute after I said I do. It was initially my idea so I thought it was jitters. The only reason I got married was I had been with him three years and couldn't bring myself to break it off. Stupidly I thought it was the next step. My marriage was awful three times I left and filed for divorce. Even dumber I had a child hoping it would help us bond.

Almost 16 years later (officially on 12/26) I'm still married and four of those years were spent battling in court. Definitely over my ex! Can't wait for the final decree. I kick myself frequently for being too wimpy to get a divorce sooner. If I had been honest with myself and my husband that I mad a mistake. I probably wouldn't have spent $40K trying to get a divorce.

My badd!!

Just wanted to post (while i am in the sharing mood) - to say.........

"The feelings expressed in the thread (by me) "maybe" due to my DID"

.. by the one that holds the marrital wounds / anger & hate.

Thanks,

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Rhapsody said:
"The feelings expressed in the thread (by me) "maybe" due to my DID"

.. by the one that holds the marrital wounds / anger & hate.

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Just thought I would explain............... from the DID side of ME.

I myself (Carolyn) - LOVE and WANT my Marriage.... til Death us do Part.

My younger self (Carol - age: 16 to 20 some thing) - HATES the wounds & pain my husband created, therefore, I often think about getting a divorce and moving on.

This is the Great and Ugly Struggle I (and my husband) have to live with -

* * * * * * * * *

My T says that Carol & Carolyn are so closely related that only a very fine line separates them & their feelings from each other and that is often hard to tell them apart.

thank you for explaining that hon. I have no clue how you feel. I can only sympathize with you and hope for the best possible outcome. From the point of Carol I can understand the hurt and pain of being/feeling abused by someone that is suppose to love us. been there myself. How you/Carolyn deals with this I have no idea hon. I wish I had the magical words to help.

WOW...I applaud you all...I am in a similiar, miserable...soul-sucking situation..I have NO $...because I have been home with our daughter. I have 3 other sons. I am going to look for a job soon and put my daughter in school.(I have been home schooling her) I don't want her in public schools but if I don't try to get out of this I will have no soul left. I have left twice...beleived the lies and came back. Stupid me. I feel as if I am going to drown. I also knew at the very begining I should not marry him. First husband left for greener grass...and left me and his 3 baby boys. I married this man on the rebound. We have a beautiful daughter together..Thank God for her. I have been on food stamps before and have lived in a literal shack....I don't want that for my kids....I do see why women never leave...but I know I can not live this way forever. I'm 43...I stll have some good years left right?

Yes, helpme07, you still have many good years left! You do not need to stay trapped in a soul-sucking situation forever. I really relate to that phrase! I have been married 20 years and finally separated 2 months ago. It is soooooo wonderful not having the guy who was doing the soul sucking around every day to take it out of me. I am just so much happier not having him around. There are still many challenges, including financial, but this was the right thing for me to do. I think you are making great decisions toward getting on your feet financially by going back to work. One step at a time... Hang in there.

HI,
Thank you soooo much for your reply. I'm having a really hard day...depressed and sad...but still need to function. Thanks for the understanding ear...it means alot that someone can truly identify with what I am feeling. Congrats to you, on putting a stop to the soul-sucking. May your soul breath and live again...........

I knew beforehand, took me 26 years. What a waste.

Let's remember that life only deals to us what we can handle or what we can find support for, if we believe in ourselves. When we lose faith in ourselves, we lose the ability to conquer our problems. If we accept help with dignity, and still feel that we can succeed, we are stronger with each and every problem we face.

Big hugs to all of us.

hi...i have been separated going on two months...we have been talking and it has been difficult...i think we can work it out but it is something you said ...your so very lonely and yet so alive,,,i wrote something in divorce and separation...and somehow what you said is how i feel...thank you for your time

Wow! I am inspired by your note. I too am in a marriage that I have stayed in because I don't know how to get away but you seem to have figured it out and good for you. I am not sure right now what I will do. I still have a few years (<5) in my career before I can retire. My retirement is important because that is what I will be living on for the rest of my life and my medical insurance is part of that. I don't have the option of moving out of state until I retire because the company I work for is only located in this state. Financial problems are not a real issue but the continuous emotional abuse over years are and I am tired and drained from it and don't want to take on anymore. I don't have family to turn too and my children are grown and moved away. And yes he does take advantage of this too.

My first husband expired unexpectantly due to illness. My children are from my first husband. He was a wonderful husband and father. I actually was naive' enough to think all men were wonderful like him because I never had parents or anyone to tell me differently and we dated when I was in high school.

My second marriage I should have gotten out much sooner but I kept thinking it would get better as we got to know each other but it hasn't. The physical abuse has stopped .......but the mental and emotional abuse are still here because he knows he won't go to jail for it.

Actually I am probably able to leave financially but he has degraded and threatened me so much that the thought of being alone scares me. And yes I am scared he will try to get me back because I have gone back three other times. I am seeing a counselor to work through my concerns but it is going very slow. I know I probably will leave eventually because I don't want to live like I do now and I am getting up in age. I will probably have to leave the state to get far enough away from him.

I am proud that you were able to find a new life and hope that I can one day find the peace that you seem to be working towards. The saddest thing is that my relationship with my second husband has affected my relationship with my children. I know they love me but because I am still in this situation, they "aren't as involved" in my life.

I look forward to the day I can write you and tell you that I have gotten out of this and started a new life on my own. I too do not want to ever be near another man because of this horrible relationship. I will never be able to trust another man as long as I live. I know there are good men out there but I am so hurt and scarred that I will not ever let down my guard again and be vurnerable to another. My second husband even used bible verses to court me----------it sickens me to even think about how it has all developed over the years. I live with a very sick person that needs me for medical reasons but I don't love him anymore and must find peace for myself.

Lost89, I am sorry your partner is so abusive. It sounds like you are moving toward health and healing by planning to leave the relationship. I have been in a 20 year marriage with an abusive spouse, and have recently separated. It took me a long time to get there, including working with 2 counselors. My second counselor really helped a lot, as he is somewhat of a divorce specialist and really knew how to support me and help me move forward. One thing my first counselor had me do in preparation for the divorce was to spend time and energy on building up my sources of support--friends and family. It really helps to have people to lean on during this challenging time, if only a teeny bit.

I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there. You can do it! Now that I am separated and know what it is like to live without him, there is no doubt in my mind that this was the right thing to do. It is so much better being on my own! I hope you will check in here and let us know how you are doing.