For the LADIES that LEFT

When did YOU know it was time to go? - and how long did it take you before you finally left?

I guess my answer is.... ya just "know". For me, there was absolutely no love left in my heart for the person that I married. I had been reduced to a "nothing" - not even a "shadow that could be cast on a wall". It was time...

I think I knew for many years, but wouldn't let myself have the thought. I kept it walled off from me.

Finally, evidence of his infidelity smacked me in the face. And he knew I knew. I think I had known for a long time, really, but pushed that knowledge away. And just kept trying to make the marriage work. Held out hope. I was in such denial.

When I had this in my face evidence, I had to confront him. One of the hardest talks I've ever had. He said we didn't have to let his desire for sexual partners outside of our relationship put an end to our marriage. He told me it was natural for humans to have multiple partners, and he wasn't going to deny the natural way of things. And I should have other partners too--he wouldn't mind. I told him it was the end of the road for me.

That was about 2 years ago. It has taken me that long to become functional enough and strong enough to divorce. I told him 4 months ago I wanted a divorce, and we are in the early stages of divorce proceedings.

((((Rhapsody))))

I always stayed til there was nothing much left. it is still however a hard decision to make and yes even scarey. when you feel so alone in the relationship.

I stayed for 20 years, knowing from the honeymoon onward that I wanted out! I tried to talk to him about separation and divorce from early on, but heard threats of throwing me out into the street "with nothing," and then of taking our daughter from me, and I truly believed him. When she left for college, I found a ratty furnished trailer and moved into it. I let him write the divorce settlement himself, keeping all his investments and inheritances. Just so happy to finally be free.
Patty

There had been clues from the first year that teh marriage had problems. I saw his flaws and allowed them to continue. The final straw was when we were going to the food bank to get food to feed our kids and I overheard him say that he had lots of money put aside for a computer hardware piece. (He was a computer addict)

When I confronted him about the money, he said that he had it. I asked him if he would mind putting some of that money into getting food to feed our kids and he gave me $50 dollars (out of the hundreds he had). It was just enough to get flour, eggs, milk, margarine and such things to back for the children. It was then that I knew we (myself and the children) had to leave and re-establish a better life.

I knew within a week after the wedding. Don't throw precious time away like I did. You can never get those days back again.

Hugs,

Jan

I thought about it for the last few years, but never had the courage to leave. Nine months ago I suddenly decided it was about time.
My ex is a good guy and I still love him, he didn't cheat on me and I didn't cheat on him, but our marriage was completely dead, I couldn't breathe anymore. He was devastated by my decision, although he could understand. I feel so guilty. I also feel very lonely, I don't have any real friends, at the same time I feel so much more alive.

Ok I am not the lady but my soon to be ex and I have talked about this before. She said she knew she wanted out five years ago. We went through some very difficult times with unusal circumstances...and they just wore the marriage down....we talk more now than we did when we were together. I can remember thinking around the same time she said she was thinking of leaving...I had the same thoughts...but neither one of us mentioned it before last September.

Tobey

I knew I shouldn't get married before I did & that was 32 years ago. Gut feelings told me that there were problems with his attitudes & values (basically monitary & personality) but I kept telling myself (& my Mother told me) he's young (23) he will grow up....he's just starting life. Well that never happened.

The spending & the lack of motivation to get things done, the lack of being a partner, the arguing about stupid things. His concept of being a partner was to earn the money.....well, I earned just as much, so in my sight, that wasn't being a partner. I needed it equal all the way & he fought me constantly.

I don't think I was ever really happy in the relationship....it seemed like everything about it was a fight to make it right. Then came our unexpected daughter. That is a whole other aspect of the marrige that only made things worse. The timing was bad & I didn't want children in the first place. But I was just as guilty of having our daughter as he was. That was a tough situation because I wasn't willing to give up my future career for having a child, so I forced him to take an equal role in the parenting & caring for her.

The worse part was that when things would get rough & I would want out, then something would be purchased like a new car or a time share condo. I kept letting myself get caught up in having things (when I was a child, money was so tight I had very little) so when I had my career as an aerospace engineer & so did my husband, the together salary looked really good. Looking back, my value system that I knew from when I was a child I let go. His value system was easy to get trapped into because is was a life style of having things.

Then my career fell apart, then I really had no place to go, so I felt even more trapped. I used my career as an escape from the marriage.....70 + hours a week at work.....that was definitely an escape. I went out on medical leave of absense & the anxiety attacks turned into depression which turned into suicide attempts. What a progression of feelings!!!!
I wanted out......he continued to spend as if we both had income, & I didn't care anymore, so I spent even more. We couldn't sell the house because it wasn't worth the amount we purchased it for & I wasn't willing to be the one to get out.....I had put my everything into the house....decorating it & once I couldn't afford the house keeper, I got into taking care of the house & back yard. He kept telling me that if I didn't like it, I could get out. I had no income....there was no where for me to get out to & moving back with Mom wasn't an option. My anger grew more & more & my depression got deeper & deeper. I realized that all the cleaning of the house was useless because all he would do was drop things & never pick anything up or clean up after himself. I quit & retreated into my room. I ended up very ill several times during that period & unfortunately (or fortunately) he was willing to take care of me & when the migraines got so bad, ending up in the ER every few days, he was the one that had to take me because I couldn't drive myself home after a demoral shot.

I finally got the migraines under control & could function on my own & then he was fired from his job & couldn't get another job. He blamed it on the credit record & his age, but he didn't have good references & it was his attitudes that finally caught up with him in his career. He was very depressed & ended up doing even less than the nothing he had done before. I wanted out, but couldn't find anyway to make it happen....even though the house was finally worth something. If we sold it & paid off the debts, we still would come out with nothing......so what can you do with nothing????

Then my Mother was dying of cancer.....I was so stressed by the ID theft & trauma that I lived through with her, that I ended up sick again & in the medical hospital.....just 2 1/2 years ago. The fights kept getting worse between us & after my Mother died, I actually went to a divorce lawyer to talk to him about what I needed to do to get out.

I went through the sale of my Mothers house & decided I should purchase a home with the cash from it so I wouldn't have any house payments. That was when the thought of a farm in Kentucky came into my mind.....a less expensive part of the country....land to have my horses on so I wouldn't have to continue to pay board.....cut my costs as much as possible. He came along to KY with me to look at farms & then I found the perfect place. Two weeks later, I was closing escrow & back in KY by myself, alone for the first time in 32 years. Alone to be able to look objectively at the life I had been living & a chance to look at what I wanted in the future.....a chance to put my thoughts together rationally without all the fighting around me.....quiet, peaceful. A chance to analyze my life, my values, how I wanted to live & what why I wasn't able to live like that when I was around my husband.

Realizing that I was easily brought into his value system...spending money I didn't have because I could make the monthly payments. Why didn't things that needed to be done get done? Why in Ky, I was able to get the work of 3 people done & in CA, I couldn't even get out of bed? I decided then that I didn't want the rut to follow me to KY & that being around him, there was no way the rut would leave. The things I realized were already things I had talked over with him over the 32 years, but I drew the line permanently this time. I am not willing to think that he will change when he grows up anymore....if he hasn't grown up by 55, he never will. He CAN make the changes I require, but the question isWILL he???? I told him it was going to be like a job interview & he was going to have to sell himself if he thought he was going to move to KY with me. I know all about using buzz words to make is sound good, so actions are the most important part of any interview. He continues to fail.

So then his tactic was to tell me how much better off financially I would be with him. I could have the money from his part of the house & now that he is on disability, I could add that to my monthly income & the kicker was that I was told that I could learn to tolerate him the way he is???? We get down to the basis of his living constantly trying to buy his way into everything....& dang...I have been tolerating him the way he is for 32 years & look at where it has gotten me???? I know after being in KY & knowing how happy I am alone without the stress of him around me & the agrivation of his attitudes....how in the world cold I ever let myself be bought off again???? That made me even more angry & determined to hold to my line. I can't be bought off this time....no matter how much better off financially I could be....my sanity is worth more than any money he could provide.

The moving process is difficult because not only doesn't he help me pack so I can move & we can sell the house, I am spending time discussing with him the details of what the problems are that I can't accept. I feel bad walking out without him knowing exactly what I demand at this point. Why I am putting this much energy into it is beyond me, but I guess I want him to know exactly what I am feeling so there is no doubt in his mind as to why I am leaving him.

I know for me, it takes time to put all the pieces together so that the leaving is at just the right time & to the right place. I couldn't force anything to happen & I am not good at making moves without seeing everything fall into place. At this point, it isn't going to be a divorce....just a legal separation (I don't want to have any financial ties to him in the future). I can't justify putting money into the divorce process.....I think the legal separation is just as good.....I have no intentions of ever wanting anyone in my life in the future so a divorce doesn't seem necessary. It has definitely taken a long time for the right time to come along to make this move....but the time is finally right.

Debbie

Good luck, Debbie. Kentucky sounds lovely. I had a horse growing up (an Appaloosa) and fondly remember those days. Please don't let your husband move to KY with you. Stand firm. You are doing the right thing. (I am kind of left to wonder, why he would want to stay in the marriage as well, as it doesn't sound fulfilling for anyone. But it is hard being the one who is "left.")

Why is a legal separation less expensive than a divorce? I thought they cost pretty much the same. I hope your legal process proceeds quickly. You deserve health and happiness. You are worth it!

How is your daughter doing? Is she grown up now, or will she move to KY with you?

Thanks for sharing your story.

Tobey and Dutchgirl, welcome!

My daughter is grown up.....29 years old now & moved to Colorado several years ago. Unfortunately, she purchased a house with her boyfriend & he dumped her just a few months ago. She couldn't make the house payments, so had to move out.....he was being a complete jerk. They have to sell the house & being that is was so new, it hasn't appreciated much. I am so sad that she got involved with such a mean person. Our relationship for all the years of her growing up wasn't a good example of what a relationship should be, so she didn't learn anything from us.....however she should have learned what a relationship SHOULDN'T be like.

I think she will be glad to visit, but I don't think she would ever move there. I think he want's to stay in the relationship because he is only comfortable in ruts....& this one he has dug long & deep. I think is it so sad that he isn't willing to make the needed changes.....or at least show me that is he has the concepts needed to make the changes (even then he needs to be on his own for awhile to get his act together). He keeps excusing everything away on the ADD Dx that they finally came up with. I can handle that too.....but the problem is that even with ADD or any other disability, one has to adapt to their surroundings & he has had a lifetime of my pointing out these problems that have been ignored.....that is why I just refuse to take is anymore.

Thank you for the support....I really appreciate knowing that others think my desicion is the correct one.

Debbie

I don't know what to do.............. I finally asked him for a 6 month trial separation and he refuses to leave - says he will not be the one to walk out on his family.

I can't really make him leave for he pays all the bills and I cannot afford to live else where.

((((Rhapsody))))

Does he want to stay in the relationship? Or does he want to separate also, but have you leave the house? How old are your kids? Could you reassure him that the kids will spend time with him wherever he moves to? Maybe he is worried he would not see the kids again and so doesn't want to leave for fear he'll lose touch with them and their lives.

My husband and I are in the midst of a divorce and we were having a hard time separating. He didn't want to leave, even though we had informally agreed I would keep the house. I had to find something he really wanted and work with our lawyers to create a binding agreement that I would give him X, but only if he was out of our house by a certain date. We just did this recently, and it was really helpful. If you can make such an agreement with your lawyers' help, you could include in it provision for temporary support so you can pay your bills. Or you can petition the court with an order for temporary support. Please see your lawyer for advice.

Best of luck. That was a big step for you to tell your husband you wanted to separate, and it took a lot of courage.

(((((((((hugs))))))))))....this is such a hard time... my ex refused to leave to... so we spent.. awhile sorting that out.. and I finally had to go to a lawyer to make it happen..(but then I knew I wanted a divorce for sure)...

but what you are asking for is a trial separation... which.. maybe if he thinks about it some more.. he will come around...to the idea...

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sunrise said:
((((Rhapsody))))

Does he want to stay in the relationship? Or does he want to separate also, but have you leave the house? How old are your kids?
Maybe he is worried he would not see the kids again and so doesn't want to leave for fear he'll lose touch with them and their lives.

Best of luck. That was a big step for you to tell your husband you wanted to separate, and it took a lot of courage.

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He wants to stay in the relationship....... he wants to work on fixing things and not just let 21 years of marriage go - 24 years in all.

The kids are almost grown men - they are 17 and 22.... the 22 year old is out of the house and 17 year old is a senior in high school and will be off to college next year, so not being a part of the their life is not a problem...... I think him not leaving is really about him not walking out on his family like his dad did to him and his mom / family when he was just 18 and graduating from high school - a very hard time for him emotionally.

I was honest with him and let him know that while I love him (and always will) I now find it hard to love him as a wife should love her husband...... I warned him ten years ago that this would happen one day (was happening) when I saw that our relationship was going down hill, but did he listen - NO!

I am feeling lost right now.... and with him not wanting to leave the house how do I move on with my life in order to figure out what I really want? - and remember I do not work, therefore, I cannot be the one to leave.

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freewill said:
but what you are asking for is a trial separation... which.. maybe if he thinks about it some more.. he will come around...to the idea...

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Maybe................................ holding breath -

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Rhapsody said:
I am feeling lost right now.... and with him not wanting to leave the house how do I move on with my life in order to figure out what I really want? - and remember I do not work, therefore, I cannot be the one to leave.

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Rhap, please check out my suggestions above for ideas on this--legal ideas. There are ways to do this. Lots of folks can't get the spouse out of the house. Happened to me too. Legal solution did the trick. Please see a lawyer soon so that you at least know your options. Ask specifically about "Temporary Order of Support."

He's not really leaving the family. You are one leaving the relationship. The one leaving the relationship is not necessarily the one to leave the house, though. Sounds like he has these two confused. You can reassure him that you are the leaver in this relationship, and he is the left. Maybe it will make him feel better and not bring up bad echoes from what happened with his dad. My husband was abandoned as a toddler by his father. It has been very hard for him to have our marriage end as he always wanted to provide a stable home with two parents for his kids. So I am the one leaving the relationship. I think it helps him. (I get to stay in the house, though.)

One of the most useful things I did in the early stages of leaving was go to "uncoupling therapy" with my husband. It is essentially couples therapy, but with the goal of emotionally unentangling from each other, rather than a goal of fixing a marriage. Sometimes you can go to couples therapy and not know what direction you will head in. The couple can reach that decision (fix the marriage vs. end the relationship) as part of their therapy. Maybe you or your husband would find this useful? It might help him understand better how "broken" the relationship is (from your point of view).

Best of luck, Rhapsody.

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Rhapsody said:
I can't really make him leave for he pays all the bills and I cannot afford to live else where.

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Rhapsody, I'm sorry you are going through this. Could you begin to look for a job? Even something part-time? It may give you a feeling of empowerment and independence rather than feeling so dependent on your husband and his decisions. It would give you the opportunity to have a little more financial freedom and who knows this could even improve your relationship.

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sunrise said:
Rhap, please check out my suggestions above for ideas on this--legal ideas.

Ask specifically about "Temporary Order of Support."

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Hmm -

To be honest, I am not really sure that I am ready to go that route just yet - for I do not want a dicorvce right now, just time away from each other so I can think straight...... but I will keep all that you have said in mind and I will remember the support part to ask about should it come to that.

Just needing to share with some one that cares and that will listen to ME.......

I feel so lost and with a lack of love for my husabnd, as a wife should love her husband, right now..... and while I may need to snuggle up with him at night - I now know that is just a built in imprint from my childhood fear of the dark (created from sexual abuse).


- -

((((((((((((((rhap))))))))))))))))

Rap, I understand your need to be away in order to think straight......I honestly feel that was the only time I could get my thoughts in order was when I was able to spend those 2 1/2 months alone in my Kentucky farm. That was when I knew I needed to be alone & not only that, but that I was independent enough to handle myself alone after 32 years of marriage. It is a tough thing for the mind to realize when it has been dependent for so many years.

I know there is always the suggestion of finding someone's house to move into with them, but even then, you aren't alone to be able to think without outside noise going on. I was very lucky that I had sold my Mothers home & purchased the farm in my name only. I didn't realize at the time I did this that it was going to turn out exactly this way.....I knew for years that I wanted to leave because I couldn't put up with the relationship (a feeling that started just before I got married).

I know that before I owned my farm, I wanted to separate, but was always told that If I didn't like the relationship, I cold leave. I had put just as much into the house as he had (including the money) so felt I had just as much right to the house as he did. We lived in the house separated for over 12 years before I was finally able to get out. My thoughts were building & building over those years.....so when I finally had the chance to be alone with my thoughts, they were ready to figure it all out & make the important decisions I had to make to make it a legal spearation once the California house sells & we can split everything up.

The major stress is thinking about being completely alone & having to do things even when I am sick or not feeling ok & not having anyone to help me out.....a 10 acre farm & all the dogs & horses.....a lot of responsiility.....then comes the you will be better off financially with my extra money to make the expenses & have enough money for the horse training. That even more helped my decidion become firm....I felt like I was always being bought.....everytime I wanted to leave, we ended up by buying something new....a new car.....a new house......we always had the 2 aerospace engineer income & I had grown up without being able to have many things (just enough to get by) so it was nice to be able to have things.....but I finally have come to the knowledge that money isn't everything & things aren't everything....HAPPINESS is everything & when there isn't happiness, depression & anxiety can get even worse when it exists already.

It had been since July that I made my decision & had the time to think it through......& when I returned to California to pack up my things, my decision was reinforced even more.

Rap, it is important for you to have the alone time & it sounds like a lawyer might be able to help you figure out how to legally arrange that....without it having to be a divorce.....I am sticking with a legal separation....don't see the need for a divorce.....but no matter how it ends up.....time alone to figure out your thoughts is the most important part of the process.

Debbie

29 years and I am finally going. Why? 1st, I read "Should I stay or Go" the chapter, "is your marriage making you sick" was right on for me. This all happened after a December incident with my son deciding he didn't like a comment I made in what seemed to be an interesting conversation about writing literature. He started yelling and swearing at me, calling a selfish ***** and all sorts of horrid things that were patently untrue. He has a temper and this was the first time it was used against me at this level. Eventually, about 20 minutes of this stuff, he was right in my face, screaming and swearing. I kept was crying and begging him to calm down and discuss this and that I was his mother and so on-I was not calm....at one point, I was afraid and upset enough to try and slap his face-not characteristic for me at all. He grabbed my arm and held it while continuing to swear, and verbally abuse me-I had some small bruises and pain after.

The kicker, my husband just stayed in the kitchen letting this happen, did nothing, said nothing. It only stopped when I threatened to call his girlfriend/fiance and parents and warn them about his temper and that I would call the police if he didn't let go immediately-I don't know how long he held my wrist-as a former marine, I was more than a bit afraid at that point and dared not move or try to get away....

The second kicker, my husband seems to be empowered by this and decides later, when I am trying to help him with something....that he needed to cuss me out for "rushing" him to think.

All though our marriage he let our children disrespect me, yell at me, etc and did not intervene even when I asked and explained why he needed to not allow this behavior. None of my kids respect me and I have done so much and supported them so much-I am not perfect but they were never abused by me-instead, I loved, supported, and encouraged them.

Right now I am still in the house-separate bedroom, looking for a job so I can move out. Was moved out and working toward divorce when my job was eliminated. I had a bad relapse of my depression and am just now getting properly treated.

I consider myself separated-he never touches me, no sex, no affection, no conversation. Getting out of the house--at least I think, is a priority to really beating this depression-just don't know when or how yet.

Thanks for listening......

Lifesaver54,

I have a few questions that just hit me when reading your post....things that just don't make sense to me.

You talk about all through your marriage your husband let your children disrespect you. Why in the world in the beginning didn't YOU make your children respect you? That shouldn't be your husbands job any more than it's yours & your relationship with your children.

You say they were never abused by you, you loved, supported, & encouraged.....I think you missed teaching them respect & responsibility....that is the job of both parents not just one or the other.

I am sure there is more behind your wanting to be separated that just what you say here about your husband not making your children respect you or that he yelled at you the one time...you need to look at the whole picture of your relationship. There are a lot of missing pieces in your post that I'm sure are there....but if what you posted here is the only thing that is pushing you into leaving....you need to think about yourself in terms of the relationship.

Please understand that this post is based on my opinion of what parents responsibilities are for their children & also based on what I have read here.

Debbie