A relationship funeral?

I have been struggling to get over a relationship that ended five years ago. He has come back into my life a couple times, but never stays, and has now shut me out without warning.

I read an article suggesting it might help you move on by holding a "relationship funeral" for closure. It suggested you mourn the relationship like a death, reflecting on the good and bad, and grieving the loss. Kind of offering closure maybe?

Has anyone ever done anything like this before? Hopefully I don't sound ridiculous for considering this, just thought maybe it would help. I have an appointment with T tomorrow, and might bring it up, but don't know if I will sound silly.

Having some sort of ritual is very helpful to find healing and closure. One time when I was doing some intensive work on letting go of relationship with abusive family members. I went to the river and collected some river stones, wrote their name on them, said goodbye and threw them in the river.

Other times I've written long letters to someone who hurt me. Then I burn them or rip them up.

I think having rituals in your life is important.

Yes I agree with the advice above.

Thank you. I am going to try this tomorrow. I want nothing more than to be free from this. Free from the pain. Free from his hold on me. I feel like I am a prisoner to my feelings for him, and I want to take back my power. He is never going to love me back. It is time to accept that.

To add, I think the hardest part is remembering things he said when he was around and involved. All these things keep playing through my head over and over again. The biggest ones...

"I love you, (name). And I am not sorry for that."

"If I had anything in the world, life would be the way it is in my dreams. You would be Mrs. (His last name). And we would have a life together"

"Stop. You are already my everything."

All these words, and so many more, I can't stop playing in my head. I wish I could take a magical pill that would make me forget him and all his beautiful, fake words. Later, when I brought up these words, he called me a "court reporter", memorizing his words, holding him to things he said months ago. Heartbreaking to me.

Rituals are very helpful, although the thread in your head concerns me the most. The last actions of someone we loved can delete everything that went before. Remembering the good times in such a situation is self-torture. Don't go there. Protect yourself. I have learned self-protecting boundaries such as thought-blocking. Use these forms of self-protection as if you're in combat, which of course you are... fighting for your own spirit.

I don't think it's a bad idea.. you could try it out. Talk with your T, though

Thanks everyone. I am going to talk with T about it today at my appointment. So glad I have therapy today. I can only afford to go every two weeks, and I really need to figure all this out. I really want to move on with my life.

Looking forward to hearing what your T says. We'll support you through this difficult time, as you move on.

Appreciate it. Hopefully we can really dig deep into why I am at a standstill with my feelings so that I can understand and process and move on. We really didn't get to do much of that because I spent almost all of the first session telling my very long story about this relationship.

Last session, I felt like she was more angry at my ex then I was. I try to find anger in me towards him, so that I can get really mad and want nothing to do with him. But I can't yet. I feel really sad and hurt and confused. The anger I do feel is towards myself for being so unbelievably pathetic that I begged and pleaded for another chance with someone who doesn't care about me. I feel like a pathetic loser.

And I feel angry that I still want to contact him! I am like some kind of stalker! He completely cuts off contact, and that is somehow not enough for me to get a clue that maybe he wants me to leave him alone? I just want him to tell me in words that he is done with me, but why do I need that? I hate myself for that. I hate that the three times he has came around and then left, I am that same loser trying to beg him to love me. I have no self-respect, no dignity. So I guess I am angry, but mostly at myself for being some foolish girl hanging on to nothing, begging for crumbs.

Try to go easy on yourself (I know, not easy). Simply being cared about by someone is often enough to override our rational thinking. I think you DO have self respect and dignity, but we've all been in situations where those things get buried by our emotional reactions.

The fact is, he made you feel good when he was around. He disappeared before, and when he came back, he claimed he still felt for you. There's no shame in admitting that feels good, and it doesn't make you weak (it does make him seem pretty dang weak to not be able to communicate anything). It's understandable that a part of you wants to hear from his mouth that he doesn't want to see you again, so you can be sure. And the task now, of course, is to get to a point of being okay without needing that.

Anyhow, bottom line, I think you are in an understandable but unhealthy place. I think you'll be able to move on, and be better for it.

Thank you. I wish he could just say "stop contacting me". Then I could honor his request, and at least be worthy of a response. I am not even worth the bother of replying to after I pour my heart out.

As it stands, I have not contacted him in almost four weeks now. Trying to have a tiny speck of dignity. But the desire to reach out is always there.

It's hard not to dwell on the could of's and should of's, yet it's necessary to release the spell, so to speak. What happened with the ritual step of moving forward ?

I have not done it yet. My t wasn't too enthusiastic about it, as it still wouldn't give me what I have truly been seeking...closure from him. Therapy was interesting this time......will be posting about it shortly.

My advice is to keep him permanently out of your life. Block him, unfriend him, and do not respond whenever he "comes back" into your life. You can do this.

I’ve been in your situation before. I was told to leave with no explanation after 40 years of marriage. Thrown away, discarded. I , like you, begged, pleaded and cried. She was nothing but a self centered, selfish, narcissistic bastard. I felt like a 0. No self esteem, no dignity, nothing. I also obsessively wanted to hear the words you were looking for. My biggest mistake was never enforcing a strict no contact rule. You hit the nail on the head. If you ever want to move forward you have to think of this person as actually dead. You grieve and then nature forces you to move on !
Now just a couple of questions. You seem to give a lot of power to your T.
Do you think he’s God ? If he doesn’t agree with your idea that doesn’t make it wrong. Yes you can take his comments into account, but in the end I listen to my gut , the voice within. You say you only see him once every 2 weeks. What do you do in between that time ? Suffer ?
The way I learned how to get that negative loop of thoughts out of my head was practicing to be in the PRESENT. You can take control of your thoughts !!!
You tube or learn about “ mentalization “ . If you can learn how to be in the now
you won’t even think of the past. You can take control of your thoughts.
Don’t be like me, wallowing in self pity and sorrow. Feeling paralyzed.
Are you going to allow any one person to have that much control over you ?
Wishing you the best.

So sorry you have been through this. My ex is also incredibly selfish and, every therapist I have ever been to believes, narcissistic. I am better off without him logically, but emotionally I am devestated for his absence. I have finally blocked him on social media. I don't know when I will be "over" this, but I am finally ready to try. Finally ready to let go of him. I think that is the first step.

Wasn't too enthusiastic?

I think that you should have a ritual to try and mental end the relationship. If this has been affecting you for 5 years then you really need to try something different.

There is no guarantee that 'A relationship funeral' will work, but I think you should try it. As other people have mentioned you only see your therapist one ever 2 weeks for an hour maybe, two, so you need to have other coping methods during that time. The other suggestion of no contact is also good advice.

You need to start having positive mental routines, one good way is meditation. As this will help you clear you mind and focus on present.

How are you doing now?

Hi Copingmeadow, I like your idea of a funeral. I met a widow and he was grieving for his wife with no anger that she was gone, just simple sadness. I thought, that is how I want to grieve, to try and live at the same time I am sad, to allow myself to be sad for as long and as much as I want to, and to honor the twenty seven years I had with my ex, as well as learn from them. The point was that my ex and I have ended, he is out of love with me and he left me. I have had to not only try and stop talking to him, I've also had to begin to leave him, to allow myself to act as mean as he does sometimes. Tonight I said he couldn't come and see what I was getting rid of in the house we used to share. I still love him but the us is dead, he is a stranger who doesn't get to go through my garbage and shouldn't ask. I am going to playact about how I would act with a stranger in different situations some more. I will grieve with friends for what my ex and I used to have.