[Zelev]

Help, I have been trying to get a divorce for the last three years. Despite my best efforts, its as dirty and ugly as they come. My ex has done everything to destroy me. I agreed to child support...far below guideline, no spousal support, I let him have the house and less than 1/2 my share of the equity in our home. He refuses to pay the settlement is thousands behind in child support and I've spent $40K in legal fees.

My ex refused to go to mediation regarding visitation until finally I just wrote one up myself. I got him to agree to my visitation schedule and even went back to the table to give my ex an extra month so we could split my son's summer vacation. Summer's here and my ex couldn't take our son for the entire month but wanted me to drop him off on demand.

What gives? What am I doing wrong? I'm tired of fighting with him and no matter what I do it's never enough.

[Lemon]

Wow Zelev....I'm so sorry your situation has turned into this. I know you mentioned your legals fees have gone through the roof, but my first suggestion was to get the advise of an attorney. It sounds like things haven't be properly docuented yet, and so neither of you are following what was originally agreed upon. If you can't afford your current attorney can you ask for a referrel to one who works with reduced or no fee?

If he is not paying you what he is supposed to you should definately go to court to get his wages garnished.

[sunrise]

Zelev, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Three years is insane.

You say you have a settlement. If so, what is holding up the divorce? Is it the custody/parenting plan?

I am in the early procedural phases of divorce so am not that knowledgeable yet. I thought the two main things to agree on are the property settlement and the parenting plan. Once those are done, can you then sign the final papers?

Also, unless your divorce is final, is there a settlement that can be inforced legally? So is your ex legally obliged to pay you child support and so on if the divorce is not final? (Or do you have a temporary settlement?)

I would put my head together with my lawyer and get some good legal advice. What is holding up signing the final divorce papers? And maybe the lawyer can have your ex's wages garnished, as ECHOES suggested.

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Summer's here and my ex couldn't take our son for the entire month but wanted me to drop him off on demand.

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The parenting plans I have looked often specify that when there is transfer of the child from one parent to another, the "receiving" parent, does the picking up. That way the receiving parent doesn't have to depend on the relinquishing parent and can avoid problems like you are having. If your ex can't be bothered to pick up his son, then I guess he really doesn't want to spend time with him?

Have you and your ex ever been to co-parenting counseling?

I'm guessing you've probably thought of everything I've suggested, since you've been at this for 3 years. I am so sorry you are going through h*ll with this. Hang in there.

[Zelev]

Regarding property settlement - Property is not the same as money. Property values go up and down so your best bet is to define everything with a money value and have money sanctions for every month your ex does not honor the agreement. It sounds harsh but if I had done that I'm positive my divorce would have been much shorter and cheaper.

My ex's wages ARE garnished but here's the problem.

Child support services interpretes our settlement agreement to mean that I have given up my right to collect back support. My ex is no longer satisfied with the final visitation agreement but will not talk with me to make different arrangements. He would rather hold signing the formal judgement over my attorney's head to try and force him to make illegal changes to visitation. My ex calls our child to arrange visitation (9yrs old), often with one day's notice. If I refuse my ex becomes verbally abusive -yelling and cursing at me when I try to find out the details.

My old attorney tried to convince my ex to pay voluntarily to avoid all the legal hassle of forcing him to sell the house. My ex would call my lawyer to argue to change the settlement or visitation, show up at his office and then storm out without signing the final judgement. Each incident with the attorney was promptly billed to me as my ex no longer has a lawyer. I finally got another attorney because this situation was causing my legal debt to skyrocket and my ex clearly was enjoying running it up. Prior to our settlement my ex would show up for court only to ask for a continuance and then show up the next time without an attorney or wouldn't show at all.

Bottom line - My ex wants me to give up all interest in our property legally (quit claim) but leave my name on the mortgage, have all attorney liens removed and those documents recorded and THEN he will sign the formal judgement and pay the settlement. Or course if I do that there's no legal reason for him to pay anything. I would just trust he will keep his word and if he doesn't I'm just S-O-L with a ton of legal bills.

Somehow my behavior is contributing to this. I just feel there must be something I do that make him feel it's okay to keep harrassing me.

[Zelev]

Yes, your right our vistation arrangement does says the receiving parent picks up. My ex will pickup early or show up really late sometime up to an hour and not call to tell me. Meanwhile my son is sitting around dressed and waiting for his dad to show.

This summer my ex injured his leg and was admitted to hospital for therapy treatments for the past month. My demanded I bring our child to the hospital basically whenever he wanted because our visitation agreement says he had our child for the entire month but because he was in the hospital he couldn't do it. I agreed to bring our child whenever I could but explained I would not always be able to accommdate his every request.

The last time I brought my son to the hospital for a visit, my ex was out of bed, dressed and had a friend there and they tried to leave the hospital and take our son without telling me. The incident scared me because I wasn't expecting it, I thought my ex was bedridden. When I found out, I agreed my son could go out but asked my ex if he were being discharged or was he just taking our son for the day and if so when I could pick him up. My ex's response was he could do what he wanted, it was his son and refused to give me any information. He grabbed our child by the arm, told him to come with him. I asked him several times to let go but my ex refused so hit his wrist to break his grip, took our child and left the room. The police were called to the hospital. Because it was not my ex's normal visitation day the police release our child to me. Also, my ex tried to have me arrested for assault but the police didn't arrest me because I was defending a minor. Now my ex is completely enraged with me saying I am denying him visitation.

I'm not a violent person but I'm getting scared.

[sunrise]

I am so sorry, Zelev. What a nightmare.

Have you and your ex gone to co-parenting counseling? There he might learn to put the needs of your child first, and quit putting the child between you in order to wreak his vengence on you. The stunts he is pulling are harmful to your child emotionally and psychologically (and bordering on physically).

The violence part is scary. Is it time to discuss a restraining order with your attorney?

What does your attorney recommend doing? (please do not leave your name on that mortgage if you quit claim!)

In my state the property settlement includes all assets, including money.

So you have a settlement agreement? I am confused about how that works and would like to know since it may come in handy for me. Can you make a settlement agreement and have it be enforceable even if you are not divorced?

I am thinking of getting separated before the divorce is final, but have no idea how I can get him to pay me money without the divorce being final. So we continue living in the same house.

[Zelev]

Thanks. Yes you can have a settlement before the divorce is final. One doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the other.

I do have a settlement agreement but usually the attorney does a handwritten version and later a typed formalized version is filed with the court. My ex just won't honor it so back to court we go.

Think of a settlement as a post nuptial agreement. I know your situation is stressful but DO NOT move out of your house until you have a legal agreement regarding the division of property.

Once you have filed for divorce, you are considered legally separated until it's final. Divorce proceedings are not on a specific timeline...take my situation for example. The court system is very slow, usually it takes about 2 months to get a court date. Even if you manage to get a date, your spouse can ask for a continuance or the judge may not have an opening on his or her calendar.

Most judges have heavy caseloads and it's easier for everyone if you settle. Every time you prepare to go to court the judge will continuously ask you to try and go back and voluntarily come up with an agreement. This is not People's Court. This judge just wants to get things done. Nobody cares if your spouse calls and curses you out twenty times a day unless you can prove it.

The best way to enforce a settlement is to include money sanctions for each month if the other party refuses to pay.

[eskielover]

I'm not up on California divorce....even though I am in California & went to a divorce lawyer a few years back....decided against it at that time.

But it seems to me that if your husband is being a jerk & trying to go against the settlement & not paying you child support, they why can't you go against it too & not give him the visitation.....no child support, no visitation?????

Obviously I don't know how it works, but I wouldn't be playing his games & wouldn't give him anything....with holding everything until he agrees to & signs the settlement. You said you gave him more than 1/2 on the house......& yet you are paying everything on the legal end. The divorce is for both of you.....he should be responsible for 1/2 of the legal fees when it is all said & done.

I wouldn't cooperate at all from that point on & start sticking it to him. I can really see why you wouldn't want to be married to him....sounds like a complete jerk who is controlling & manulipative.....sounds like he needs a good dose of his own medicine.

Debbie

[Zelev]

I have definitely learned to be tougher. It's just I really felt bad for our kid who's caught in the middle and really wants to be close to him. It breaks my heart every time my ex promises him something and doesn't deliver so I did my best to try and keep visitation a separate issue.

One things for sure, I'm not going out of my way to make visitation happen because I realize I can't protect our child from the type of person my ex is and my efforts are definitely not appreciated. If anything more I do, the more my ex wants.

[eskielover]

Sometimes it's best to not protect our children form learning about how people really are. They need to be able to look at what people do & judge them by their actions all through life so that they learn to protect themselfs as they grow up. It is sad when it is the father that is the jerk, but it is important for children to know their parents for what they really are.....just like any other people in the world around them.

It's not like you are trying to tell your child that your ex is something that he isn't.....I would tend to let my child see exactly what the ex really is like & let my child learn to judge for himself about the father so he can make his own choices as to if he wants to see him.

But I have a tough outlook on people & feel they don't deserve anything more that they get for being who they are at times

Debbie

[moonlite]

I agree with Eskielover.

From my experience, coming from a broken family at the age of 8, I did not like to hear my mom talk neg. about my dad. Remember, it is only hurting the child when there is constant neg. talk about the absent parent.

[Zelev]

I never talk negatively about my ex in front of our child. My problem is despite my best efforts my ex is on a mission to destroy me. He refuses to cooperate on even the most basic level. He doesn't even talk to our child unless it time for visitation. My son leaves my home looking like a kid and comes back looking homeless. Noone even tells him to brush his teeth or hair! Recently I got my 10yr old a cell phone so he could talk to his father in complete privacy. I do try but what I get in return is complete hostility.

[Doh2007]

My ex also used our son as a weapon against me. He also would use my son's love for me against him. He is a devil.

My aggravation didn't end until my son was grown and I didn't have to have any contact with my ex.

You're in a really hard place. You seem to be doing everything you can to protect your child's relationship with his father.

Maybe it helps to think how much worse it would be if you were still married and had to see this jerk every day.