Still Adjusting...

Can I post in this forum if I'm a daughter of parent's who've separated?

Feel free to delete this if not ....

I just got home for Christmas, and was at my mom's new house (where she lives with her boyfriend and his kids) for the first time today .... it was really REALLY weird. There was all of our things from my other house in this strange house ... our cookie jar filled with cookies that her bf's children made.... their fridge covered with his children's artwork (they're 8).... and even our cups in their shelves.

Everything that i once new, just wasn't anymore. And my mom was different too. When we were eating at dinner, she'd ask the boys how their day at school was.... i don't remember her ever taking real concern in how my (or my brother's) days at school were. She cut their meat... poured their juice... and they wispered secrets in her ears about what they got their dad for Christmas.

I have no idea how i feel. Part of me feels so jealous that they get to see her as a "mom" even though they have their own .... and another part of me just feels so excluded from this life of hers. This life that i've tried my darndest to not be a part of, yet i feel sad when i realize that it's the truth.

I'm 19 years old. I've lived away from home for 4 years, i'm not a little kid anymore ... so why do i feel this way?

Absolutely, you can post here.

With all you describe (seeing the family dishes in the new house, watching your mom mother the two boys, etc.), it is completely understandable to be feeling the way you do. It's tough. It is especially hard on kids when their parents "move on" after the divorce and take new partners.

It's also hard to step into the role of a step parent, and it sounds like your mom has created a bond with those boys, and this is very positive. However, it's hard for you. I think you need some reassurance that you have not been supplanted by these boys. You are unique and different and have your own relationship with your mother. Those boys will not take your place. People can have a big enough heart to love many. Can you share some of your feelings with your mom?

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and another part of me just feels so excluded from this life of hers. This life that i've tried my darndest to not be a part of

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It is really hard as a parent to keep up your efforts at the relationship when the child rejects you and pulls away. I go through this every day with my youngest. She is so angry and rejecting, but still I try to be there for her and maintain some kind of bond. But it's a constant struggle. The way she pulls back from me makes me want to pull back too. If you have tried hard not to be a part of your mom's life for 4 years, there is bound to be some hurt there on your mom's part. Can you two talk about some of your feelings? I think both of you may need to do some healing. Can you make an overture to talk? Maybe you two could bake some cookies together to put in the cookie jar.

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i'm not a little kid anymore ... so why do i feel this way?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Because adult children have feelings too.

I guess I should have added that me and my mom's favourite game is "lets not talk about anything." We use to get in huge screaming fights at each other, and then wake up the next day like nothing ever happened. She also cheated on my dad before they were separated, and she knows I know, but it's considered "taboo" to talk about it. So really, I don't think i could talk to her ... I'd end up crying, she'd end up crying, and it would be horribly awkward, and i doubt it would resolve anything .. it would probably only make matters worse.

And I know, if i ever hope to have some resemblance of a normal relationship with her, I need to talk with her ... but i just can't. I honestly can't.

It's just really weird because I see both sides of the story ... my aunt (mom's sister) has similar problems with her daughter, and confides in me. So I can understand how a mother must be feeling, but i also understand how i'm feeling ... and both just seem so incompatible.

Thank you for your kind response Sunrise ... i can feel your love for your daughter through here.

I have so much love in me, but i'm so scared to do anything about my relationship with her ... and as a result, i'm always looking for that "mother" figure elsewhere, only i get hurt. Too many times i've been hurt ...

((((((((((((((((( jacq10 ))))))))))))))))))

You are welcome to post here....its regarding divorce and relationships

I can only imagine how weird it must have felt for you to see your family items in another home. I'll bet it felt a bit unnerving and kind of made you reel a bit, feel things were out of whack.

As a mom of adult daughters and having a grandson now, I know that I do things very differently with my grandson than I did with my daughters when they were growing up. There are many reasons for this. First of all, many times parents are young and don't have a lot of knowledge or have a lot of life as a basis to know the "right" things to do with our children. It's kind of a hit or miss thing in a way. Most times, parents try to do the best they can do....sometimes there is little money, sometimes there are huge stressors that make adults act in ways that are not always healthy or good for their children.

Now, your mom has almost a 2nd chance at being a mom to some younger kids. She has learned a lot of lessons in raising you that she can now apply to helping to raise the younger ones. She has grown older and as we grow older, our ideals and sometimes our values change along the way.

I can completely understand why you are now questioning how she is parenting and bonding with the youngsters and you don't feel she did that with you. I can understand why you may feel slighted that you didn't get to have the same kind of mom that she is now. But, maybe now that she is putting a better foot forward, it may be a good time for you both to forge a better relationship too.

If talking with her is difficult, why not try writing your feelings and thoughts to her. Maybe you can both set aside some special mother/daughter time to go out for coffee or a meal and sit and talk. Helping to create an atmosphere of calmness and not attacking one another with past issues or blame. But a way of connection as in questions and answers....maybe you can both validate each other's feelings even if you don't always agree with them.

Sometimes parents are so involved with the everyday stressors in the world that they don't always "see" what our children see. And sometimes our kids have to take the reins and say "Mom, we need to have some time together to talk". I know my kids have done that to me and I ended up being very grateful they did that. I didn't realize I was ignoring them or even other important things in my life as I was so wrapped up in other things.

Take tings one step at a time jacq....and know that if you approach her with love and respect, more than likely she will respond in kind.

Wishing you and your mom well! Good luck!


sabby

I'm 43 and jealous of my step siblings.....they always got more attention than me and my dad dotes on HER kids....you are not alone....I feel like a child with these feelings...you have a right to feel this way....I hear you loud and clear.....hugs, Jinny xx

((((((((Sabby)))))))))
Thank you for your post ... I wish i could take your advice and write my mom a note ... but any form of communicating my thoughts gives me such anxiety... I'm not strong enough to do that ... and i realize that nothing will change unless i confront her, so i just keep hoping that one day i will have enough strength to be able to do so. One of the reason's why I think seeing a T might be beneficial...

(((((((((Jinny)))))))) Thank you too for your response It's nice to know that my feelings can be somewhat validated.

's to you both

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jacq10 said:
And I know, if i ever hope to have some resemblance of a normal relationship with her, I need to talk with her ... but i just can't.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">jacq, I think you are very mature and healthy to even want to move beyond the hurt and have a good relationship with your mother. You are 19 and so far ahead of your years! I think that someday you will find the courage to forge a better relationship with mom. Maybe you aren't able to right now. It's OK. I know from personal experience with my own mom that she was never going to be the one to make a move to better the relationship. That had to come from me, many years after I left home. And I'm still working on it! The one who wants the relationship to improve usually has to go more than half way to meet the other person, that's just how it is, and it sounds like you are not ready to go even halfway at this point in your life, which is just fine. The wounds are still raw. But your desire to mend is there, and someday you will change things.

For now, maybe you can just do the best you can this week in your mom's new home, try to connect in indirect ways instead of through direct talk about the issues, like by baking cookies together, taking the 8 year olds ice skating, going for lunch with just you two, any number of things. And keep the talk light, if that's all the two of you can handle. Try not to think of it as "sweeping things under the rug" but perhaps just as the two of you getting by the best you can right now.

Best of luck this week. Someday you will be there.

(((((((((((Sunrise)))))))))))))

Thank you so much for your response. I don't know if i'd go as far as saying i'm "mature and healthy" but i'll take it!

And I hope you're right, I hope that one day i'll be able to "fix" this - whatever it is... In the meantime, I will have to stick to the indirect ways of "connecting" with her. Hopefully over time, we'll both gain the courage to be more direct...

Thanks again

jacq....would it at least help for you to write things down in letter form but not actually give it to her? I have found that in writing, it helps me to put things in perspective and it gives me a release of that which is bothering me.

Wishing you well jacq......always

hugsssss
sabby

Yes Sabby actually I've done that before ... although it was a little under two years ago, so it would probably do me well to write it again!
Thanks

(((((((((((((((( jacq10 )))))))))))))))))

You are most welcome dear.....

<center>(((((((JACQ)))))))</center>

Jacq, I've read a lot of your posts and think you're a wonderful young woman! You are helping other people cope with their problems, even when you're hurting inside, and that's a rare and treasured quality.

The last time my daughter was home, she posted quite a bit on these forums and told me how helpful they were to her. One day she started to read some of the posts to me and that, I think, was the catalyst for the conversations that followed. Maybe it's something you could do with your Mom? Maybe show her some of the posts from other people in this forum and see what her reaction is? If it's positive, as I hope, maybe then you can show her some of the things you've been saying here?

Just a thought. When and how you open up to her, is up to you. Remember, though, you've had a lot of people in your life who you've loved so you know people are capable of loving many. You didn't stop loving at loving your Mom, Dad and brother ... and my bet is your Mom hasn't stopped loving you because she now has more people in her life to love!

My thoughts and prayers are with you Jacq! Hang in there, Honey, and know there are many here who love you.

Trying to be a GoodMama

((((((((((GoodMama))))))))))
Thank you so much for your kindness, as well as your ideas and good thoughts. I'm glad to hear that PC helped to bring you and your daughter closer together
tc,
Jacq