Making the same mistake as my dad - but can't change how I feel.

Hey Everyone,

First time posting on forums, especially something so personal. I'd like to see different viewpoints on the topic, and open up my situation for discussion. Sorry for the long post and thanks for your time for reading.

Background: I (26M) am dating my girlfriend (35F) for 5 years now. The first 3 years were great, full of emotion and I can safely say that I was "in love". She's a wonderful woman and I could never really feel/see the age difference, until recently.

The last 2yrs have been choppy - she had an underactive thyroid gland, so her emotions and moods were swinging everyday for about a year, until she got treated. That's when I started losing my feelings - I still deeply care for her, but it's no longer "love"... I guess I was just comfortable, and didn't want to leave her when she was sick.

I thought I'd give it another go and my feelings might come back, we went on a great holiday together but again, only care and comfort. She's my first proper relationship, and I never really had the confidence to talk to women. However, as I matured, I became more confident and started seeing a lot more attention from the opposite sex.

She, being 9yrs older, had 7 relationships before me, and enjoyed her nightlife back in the day. I started noticing feelings of anger/jealousy, especially when she told me about her 2 holiday romances. We live in a small town, so I see her exes and guys she kissed in my gym quite often too... By no way it's judgement, it's more of a feeling of "missing out".

Here's where it gets complicated...

3 months ago she got pregnant (something the doctors dubbed as unlikely, due to her thyroid gland and medical history - I read the report myself). I'm truly delighted for her, as I know that she's a very kind person and will be a fantastic mother, plus it was her dream...

As for myself, I'm strongly against abortion and believe that children are a blessing. I know that I'll always be there to support her and my child, and would never bad mouth her in any way...

Finally getting to the heading... my dad, unlike myself who is going to have a surprise child, wanted me. Yet, he left when I was a few months old, never to support my mother or see me until I was 5... I promised to myself when I was a child that I would never leave someone pregnant with my child...

Unlike my father, I will always support the mother of my child and my child both financially, physically and emotionally. However, I feel a strong sense of guilt for wanting to leave... I decided to stay for the whole pregnancy and the first 4-5 months, to ensure it goes well and she has no stress.

I don't want to stay in a relationship for the sake of the baby, however I feel extremely guilty for wanting to leave the mother of my child. I just feel that if I won't enjoy the rest of my 20s (I think of co-parenting as an enjoyment, as I still want to be part of my child's life) then when I get older, I'll feel like I could never get that experience again.

Initially, we were meant to move abroad to travel Asia (traveling is a passion of mine, always has been)... I was meant to go first for the first few months and she would tag along after. My plan was to test my emotions with some distance. It didn't work out, and we got pregnant, so I never got to test that side of myself.

I'm feeling a lot of pressure to get married now... but I can't even say "I love you", unless I mean it as the mother of my child...

My initial idea was to leave her with a sum that would cover the creche and other food expenses (+ extra) for 1yr... so at least she won't have to stress financially. I thought of going backpacking in SE Asia, to give myself that distance, maybe catch up on what I felt I was "missing out" on and see what I REALLY feel, when distanced.

I know that I'm an asshole, but would like to get some thoughts.

Thanks again.

Hello NPMAN. Since this is your first post here on MSF, welcome to the forums. I hope you find being here to be of benefit.

I'm not sure what to tell you about all of this. Realistically, I'm probably not the best member to be replying to your post. (Hopefully there will be other members who will have insights they can share.)

I'm an old man and have been married for over 40 years. And one thing I think I can say is the initial "full of emotion" love you experienced doesn't last forever... at least not in most cases. What endures is a love that is less emotional... less passionate... if you will, based on such things as shared experiences, commitment to one another, compassion, forgiveness... and, of course, children in most cases. So, my personal perspective is that you're going to have to come to terms with whether what you're feeling is how long-term romantic relationships go or whether you simply no longer care enough for this woman to stay with her (and your child.)

At age 26, I'm sure your level of maturity is not what it will (hopefully) be when you reach your 30's and beyond (despite what you may think.) And I'm sure that plays into the situation as well. That doesn't make you an "asshole". It just makes you a still-young man. (We've all been there.) Trekking across Asia has a lot more alure than settling down with a partner (wife?) and child. Of course, the question is how do you sort all of this? Perhaps the best solution is the most obvious... spend some time digging through your circumstances with a skilled therapist or counselor.

I know you wrote you'd always support your child and be in your child's life. And that's a fine sentiment. Circumstances may, or may not, work out that way. And at least from my perspective, the thought of leaving money for a year's worth of expenses, while you backpack across SE Asia, is fine. Perhaps it will help. (It also assuages your own feelings of guilt.) But it's not really an answer, to my mind, it's a band aid. I think what's needed here is a mature, thoughtful decision-making process that perhaps includes some time spent with a therapist or counselor, as I mentioned above, as well as a similar sort of discussion between you and the mother-to-be of your child. My best wishes to you all.

You were very young when you began dating this woman. She is almost 10 years older than you. It’s not surprising that you want to experience other things.

I think you need to be honest with her about how you feel. She may not like it but it’s better than lying to her.

I don't think you sound like an asshole . Your primary concerns are for the welfare of your child and her mother ( whether you are with her or not) You sound like a younger person who is not sure they want to settle down yet. Personally my situation is a mess so I'm no one to give advice but I just wanted you to know you sounds pretty reasonable to me.

Thank you. That's exactly where I am... very uncertain, which is why I feel that traveling and giving myself that space will let me make up my mind... but my near-term priorities are 1) a healthy pregnancy and 2) staying until the child is at least 4mths, to let my partner (and myself) adjust. I wouldn't like to settle down in a family without being 100% all in... my parents stayed together for me, until I grew up... It was a struggle, which makes me think that co-parenting might be healthier in the long-run

Thanks for your advice and reading my story... I was brought up in a traditional family, where men sharing emotions is frowned upon... so it's a bit difficult for me but I can really see the benefits.

I hate lying, acting and pretending to be somebody else... which is why it's painful at the moment, when she's showing me so much affection, but I have to, in part, pretend...

I suppose it's the question of self-sacrifice for the child, or do my best as a co-parent, but pursue my own dreams and ambitions simultaneously.

I'm glad to hear that I do sound reasonable to some people... as I'm pretty sure that I'll be the "talk of the town" come time for my decision...

Thanks so much for the welcome, already seeing the benefits with the open discussion, so much, much appreciated!

Thank you for your opinion and reply, I'd like to hear all sides, there's no right or wrong answer, or anyone too young/old/inexperienced.

I definitely care for this woman, and love my future child... the problem is that I don't think that I'm ready for this lifestyle yet, in our own relationship I feel like there's something missing... I'm far from perfect, but she hurt me in the first few years, until she managed to change for the better and got treated for her thyroid gland... I don't think I fully recovered from it, and not sure I will.

My initial reaction to pregnancy was "Okay, now I HAVE TO get married"... after exploring it, I realised that I can't just pop the question to someone I can't even say "I love you" in a meaningful way... which made me explore my feelings deeper, hence, why I'm here today. At the moment, there's a lot of external pressure for marriage, but internally... I'm hesitant.

I agree with your opinion on Asia, it's definitely a short-term solution, but not a long-term remedy. I feel like it would enable me to see a lifestyle I always dreamed about, to see if it's worth sacrificing what I have (my relationship). I always lived my life with a code of honour... I feel like I'll be breaching it with this decision, which makes it extra difficult as I'm the type who always tries to help my friends, people in need, and "do the right thing"... often sacrificing my own interests/emotions in the process.

How far along is she?

If you have doubts and are not ready for marriage then you should wait to see if she carries full term. Not all pregnancies go full term. Some pregnancies end in miscarriage.

I hope that she will carry full-term to be honest (we're just over 3mths).

I know it was her dream, plus if we she didn't and we split up, she'd have to worry to find a new partner to get pregnant from as the clock is ticking... at least she knows that I'll always support her and the baby.

The problem is that she's really trying hard to do better and improve, I see those things but don't see my emotions towards her changing... which is another reason I realised there's something wrong.

I believe in honesty, however, it’s important that a woman not be stressed during her pregnancy. I think you going off while she is pregnant is a bad idea. I think it’s best for the baby that she be comfortable and safe. They are learning stress hormones are not good for a developing baby.

Yes, I'm big into honesty myself... always have been my whole life, which is why this situation is very difficult. I decided to stay during the whole pregnancy, and the first 6 months after... so she will have a safe and comfortable pregnancy and will get time to adjust to being a mother (and myself to being a father). The problem is that I'm finding it hard to commit for 6mth+ after birth, as effectively, I feel like I'll be lying to myself.

You would be lying to yourself if you don’t take responsibility for this baby who you contributed in creating. It’s not just about being a responsibility after it’s born. Prenatal care is extremely important.

To be frank , I don't see how this relationship is going to satisfy two different people with two different views on where their individual lives should be headed. Was this pregnancy an accident ? She , being nine months older than you seems to be working on an agenda , clock is ticking , time for a baby and marriage. You on the other hand haven't even lived your life yet.Seems you still have some oats to sow. Your either married and are a family with your wife and child or your not. How can you be with a woman that you can't even say " I love you " to ?
Yes , I can see how your repeating your fathers behavior.
Plus it appears that you carry some resentments towards your wife. Your child is the one who's going to suffer , like you did.
I'm going to end there and apologize for being brutally honest.
In either case , I wish you the best.....

Quote:

Originally Posted by moodyblue83 .....She , being nine months older than you seems to be working on an agenda , clock is ticking , time for a baby and marriage. ...

Oh, please, let's not assume that. There could be 22 sides to the elephant.

Hello, welcome to the forum. I'm glad you brought your situation here. I hope it feels helpful to air things out and receive some feedback.

I have been married to my husband for about 40 years and he is 16 years older than I am. The age difference is significant, but our personalities are probably more so. We have two children, adults now, in their 30's. My husband and I raised my first child, my daughter, together. When she was 3 years old our son was born.

My daughter's biological father and I had been living together, we seemed to be mad about each other. When I told him I was pregnant he left, that very day.

btw, I also came from a family in which my father left - when I was 6 years old, in my case.

Just a bit of background on me.

I believe that the Skeezyks' post is wise. I agree with him. I will add this: slow down. Slow down. Today you are with the mother of your unborn child. She is only in her first trimester or barely into the second? Let's take it easy and allow her to make it through those essential first months.

Your plan to remain with your partner throughout the pregnancy is a smart plan. So right now, the focus is not on you. The focus is on, as you have said yourself, a healthy pregnancy. Is that correct? A good pregnancy requires a healthy mother. I'm sure you know that.

Pregnancy is a day-by-day endeavor. It is not Will I trek across Asia in a year? It is not OMG how many months after the birth should I stick around?

You do not sound like an asshole to me. You sound as naturally confused as almost every young father I've ever known is.

You have now. That is all you have. All those other plans...they come later. There is nothing you can truly plan in good conscience, and with honesty, until you are holding your newborn child.

Trust me.

Hi there,

No need to apologise, thanks for your time and view - much appreciated.

Yes, it was an accident (as she wasn't meant to be able to get pregnant, I was pretty calm about that after having unprotected sex for almost 5 years). I'm delighted that her dream to be a mother is going to come true, but I'm not ready to sacrifice my personal hopes and dreams and commit 100% to family just yet.... which makes me feel like I'm being unfair towards her and my child (even though I'm still planning to fully financially support my child and be there for them).

It's hard pretending right now during pregnancy and the first few months after birth, but I'd like to the child to be as healthy as possible, and for her not to stress during this time of her life... so I need to get on with it.

Hi Beth,

Thanks so much for reaching out and offering your life wisdom, it's very much appreciated.

You're right, for me, she's the #1 priority at the moment... I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I left her now. I never thought I'd be leaving a woman with my child (who does?). I hate the idea of making her a single mom (even though I'll fully financially support the child and will play an active part in their life)... but I feel that if I don't, I'll give up on my dreams, and will regret this decision once I grow old.

I know that you had a different experience with the father of your daughter, from my understanding he wasn't present at all. How did you manage? How would you react if he said that he's not ready, but wants to support you and your child?

Providing for a child is not just about handing out money. It’s all about physically and emotionally being there for your child.

Thank you.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do... I just think that i won't be able to be my best self for the child if I stay in a relationship I'm not emotionally fulfilled in... I'm also afraid that it will be hard to form a bond in the long run... But I intend to do the best in my power.

Unfortunately men don’t know how important their role is when it comes to their children. When they go off the child believes they were not good or worthy enough and can suffer abandonment issues and low self esteem that can last a lifetime.

Thank you.

Some background: My dad left us and came back when I was 5. He then divorced my mother again when I was 20. I was happy when they divorced. I believed that they weren't a good match. My father was also an alcoholic. He became a much better man and is trying to make up for his mistakes.

My dilemma is whether I should stay for the child... but from my experience being the child, seeing a father who's not happy and only engaged 50% of the time isn't great either... I have a much better relationship with my father now than I ever have.

You are not an asshole. You sound very rationale about your situation and show a lot of introspection about your own history so that you don't project your past onto your present circumstances.

Your feelings of guilt is your intuition triggering you to leave a relationship that has run its course. Her pregnancy happened. That does not obligate you to stay with her or marry her. Do you know how many people do that and then end up divorced? Too many.

You already know what you want to do so I will encourage you to follow through and do what's best for yourself. That does not mean you are repeating history the way your father left. If you stay, you stay for the baby and the mother which are two wrong reasons to stay especially if you don't love her anymore (which is normal, by the way, when the relationship has come to an end for one person). If you stay in a relationship with this woman just to satisfy her, the baby and society, you are not staying true to yourself.

You can easily support her through her pregnancy as her ex-boyfriend and you can easily have a relationship with your child with this woman, as her ex. People make their own rules. Sit down with your girlfriend and lay out the plan so that you can stay true to yourself (you don't want to be in the relationship with her anymore), still be there for her platonically, and be there for your child together (as many divorced couples successfully do).

But whatever you do, don't stay with her if you're no longer in love with her. You ca be single and still support her and your child together as friends. People do that all the time.

Hi Motts,

Not going to lie, your comment really made my day so much better... thank you!

Feels great knowing that I'm not alone in this, and that my thinking is rationale... and yes, exactly like you said... I feel that if I stay then I won't be true to myself, which will make me regret it down the line...

I'm definitely staying for the pregnancy and the first few months... I owe her that much (and my child, to ensure a healthy pregnancy with minimal stress).

What's making it very hard as well is that I can see that she's trying her best to change for the better and is doing so much around the house and for me... but the problem is that while I see how she's growing as a person, my feelings are still the same... it's as if no matter what she does (and she's a fantastic woman), I can't change how I feel... I want to be there for her and my child... but if I don't live life my way...then I won't be my absolute best self, and won't enjoy this "family" experience... because my feelings are no longer there.

Why do you "owe" her anything though? The only person you owe anything to, is to yourself...to do what's best for your own wellbeing.

It's also a red flag that she's trying to keep you emotionally hooked on her, by changing for you. She should only change for herself, not for you or anyone else. Those types of changes, by the way, are only temporary, b/c they are used to manipulate the other person.

Like I already suggested, people can be platonic parents with each other without being involved in a romantic relationship together. It sounds to me, like that is the best alternative for you and your girlfriend.

You can break up with her and still be a platonic friend and loving parent to your child with her, without being her romantic boyfriend. That transition will either be messy or smooth depending on her agreement and commitment to that agenda. If she refuses, suggest a couple's counselor so that you have a mediator to keep the transition smooth for you both, emotionally-speaking.

Well, the first 2 years of our relationship were great. Plus I know that it was always her dream to have a baby and she's a great person, so I feel like I "owe" her because she deserves it... she won't have many shots at this, and deserves her dream to come true and while I do feel it's a sort of emotional sacrifice from my side (as I've chosen to stay for the whole year with a person I don't really feel any romantic attraction to), I feel like she completely deserves it.

I really like your idea of platonic relationship... I think it could really work (even though I know it will break her heart)... but I can't disregard my (unfortunate) emotions.