Accepting a Child

So I am looking for some perspective.
I have recently met the man of my dreams, and like every other human being he has a past. He has a two year old daughter with another woman, a woman who he never had a significant relationship with, but rather a couple of week fling.
He is a great father and committed to always being there for his daughter no matter what.
Some background info on us - I am 24 and he is 34. I have no children and have never been in a relationship involving children. We have been dating for 6 months and are now living together.
In the past month I have been feeling very sad, hurt, left out, resentful and angry surrounding the issue of him having a child. I feel as if this is something very special that he shares with someone else and she is not mine. He is nothing but supportive of me and my feelings and does his very best to understand where I am coming from even though I am essentially rejecting his daughter. I know it sounds extremely selfish but I am threatened by her and worry that I will always feel resentment towards having her in my life.
I am madly in love with this man and want to make it work forever. We talk about getting married and starting a family of our own, however part of me just can't get over him having a child.
Any one have any thoughts or suggestions?
Confused....forever_girl

What is your background? Do you have siblings or a step-parent? Younger cousins or nieces who do?

I was a stepchild and am a stepmother and treat my 3 stepsons more like "friends".

I don't know if you've ever seen the movie Stepmom but I recommend it. I think your feelings might change as you grow older, have a family of your own and get to know his daughter better.

I'm "friends" with my husband's ex-wife. She's coming over with her sister and mother for a Mother's Day celebration at my house next Saturday (we had it last year too so looks like it will become a tradition). All my stepsons will be there also.

What has helped me the most is to realize they're just "other" people and my husband's and my marriage is a package, our own space and it doesn't matter what happened when my husband was a boy, or married to his ex-, etc. We've been married 19 years this year and dating almost 25 (longer than he and his ex-) and I just don't think about his life before me because his and my life is so "now" and wonderful :-)

My background
I come from a seperated family yes. I have a younger brother and my mom and dad split up when I was 18 ( I am now 24) I had a really difficult time when they originally split but since have grown to love my mom's new boyfriend. My dad cheated and left my family for the woman he is with today - so my relationship with them has always been a challenge. My brother and I have also always been extremely close to my mom so we are definitely more distant from my dad.
I would love to be open to the idea of being "friends' with my boyfriends ex - however she hates him, me, and the world in general, and is not a very nice person. She often uses his daughter as a pawn to get what she wants and has no interest in accepting me in her daughter's life.
I really do hope that time will make this all better and I know that once we have a family of our own things will be very different however I don't know if we will make it there if we continue down this path. I am hurting him and I need to stop soon before I lose him completely.

Hi forevergirl,

Hey, try to take it easy on yourself! You're so young, this situation would be fraught for anyone nevermind a young woman like yourself. It's natural to feel insecure and even jealous in this situation.

It's natural to resent the one you love having had any life before you at all, for a little while but then you learn to see how silly that is, how funny ultimatley because the one you love is that way primarily because of ALL the experiences that he has had and how that's fed into him over the course of his life. It can be a sign of the fierceness of your love, the passion that's there, the magic of having found each other. I guess the thing to remember is that all the experiences, and that includes past relationships, have all drifted through this person and made some change in him or left some mark that contribute to the wholeness of the person you've fallen in love with. Does that make sense?

The important thing is that he's with YOU now! And the fact that he's a good father is a wonderful thing that attests to his character, which is all a part of what you love about him.

Try to deal with your own insecurity, to think about what it is exactly that makes you feel left out or not the center of his life. If he's good to you, reassuring and understanding, and makes an effort to include you in his relationship with his child, then you just have to take it slow and try to get to know her as a little person who is likely as nervous about you as you are about her.

You'll be allright.

Forever girl – It sounds as though you’ve found a wonderful man. I tell my daughter and my nieces that if they get involved with a man with a child, find out how involved he is in the child’s life. He won’t treat you any better than he treats his own child. And you wouldn’t want to be with a man that would put the new woman before his child. All of these things speak to him and his character.

That being said, you are so young. If you want this to last forever you have to accept the fact that he has a child with someone else, and that this child is very important to him. At the risk of sounding unsupportive (which is not my intention) wives/girl friends come and go, but your kids are your kids for life.

If you really do want to make this work, don’t view this child as a rival for his attention. She needs it and is entitled to it. Fall in love with his child as well. She’s a part of him, take a genuine interest in her. Then you’ll be included in the circle. But don’t forget, she is entitled to some Daddy and me time on her own. Look at the situation realistically. Many young women make the mistake in thinking that the situation will somehow change once you get married, that a marriage certificate somehow means that you are entitled to more attention than his child.

Try looking at it this way, if it was a child he shared with you, how would you feel if your daughter was playing second fiddle to the new woman in his life? I would bet money that his wonderful sense of responsibility is one of the things that attracted you in the first place.

<font color="purple"> If this little babe was the result of a weeks fling, then she isn't really involved with the child, is she? Because if the female 1/2 of herDNA combination isn't a part of her life then she isn't really her mother. I've never been in a relationship, but as a kid of divorced parents at a young age I gotta tell you it's important to accept the kid as a kid and not some attatchment in a relationship. Please grow to love them both for who they are, and that is the only way I can garuntee that it'll last forever. </font>

Hey there, aren’t feelings a drag sometimes. You don't want to feel this way but you do. OK, you're smart enough to know that it is indeed about perspective. Not about the actual child and you and him. There are millions of step families that work so it isn't the situation it is the perspective. Here is how I look at it: When two people come together to build a life and one of them has a child, the most important thing is to pick the right person. Those two people need to come first to each other in order for the marriage to be strong. The children in the mix need to come first equally TO THE TWO OF THEM AS A UNIT. If the marriage comes first to the two of you you will have a strong base for the child to be raised in. Here's the catch, that child’s wellbeing needs to be as important to you as it is to him for you to be the right person for him. My advice is to fake it till you make it. It does sound a little like you are maybe; I mean this in the softest way possible, milking the attention from him for your issue about his kid. Maybe you'll get a lot more satisfaction and attention if you devote yourself to becoming the greatest step mom you can, loving, giving attention, time and care to the little girl. I know it is a temptation to wallow in your upset feelings because he is spending his time soothing you but you are smart enough to have said "If I keep this up I will lose him" You may be right. If you think I am right -try telling him. "I think I keep letting you know how I feel because I am insecure and want you to keep reassuring me that we come first so I may still need reassurance sometimes but I'm going to buck up and make loving her a priority and that way I can be part of the "us" that puts her first. I don't know you so I may be totally wrong but it is just another perspective to wade through..