[tifferific]

I have been trying to seperate my feelings from my husband and hope that he gets counceling. It is bad.
But I started to try to, and feeding myself is rediculoius!!
I am freaking out I was just starving before.
Now I try to eat, I puke, laxatives, run, dieretics, because, well I really don't know why. I'm so afraid of fat. I am.

[Broken Wings]

hey i'm sorry to hear about that. i really don't have anything to say except i know how hard it is to fear fat. i totally understand what you are going through.

[avoice]

be kind to your body

[tifferific]

Originally Posted by avoice

be kind to your body

If I could I would have stopped the assult years ago.

[Bill3]

because, well I really don't know why. I'm so afraid of fat. I am.

What is scary to you about fat?

[tifferific]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What is scary to you about fat?

It will make me be unclean. I will do horrible things. I will be tied to the earth. I will feel it, inside of me. I will have to eat and ill never know how much will be too much. If it just happens.
Everyone will touch it, tease me.
People will look at me.
I want to be gone invisible. I want to fly away.

[NuckingFutz]

The key to all this is understanding why you do this so you can work through it with a therapist. Developing healthy coping behaviors to replace the dangerous ones you are now using. Reprogram the negative tapes in your head with positive. Please keep posting to help you get through this.

[tifferific]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

The key to all this is understanding why you do this so you can work through it with a therapist. Developing healthy coping behaviors to replace the dangerous ones you are now using. Reprogram the negative tapes in your head with positive. Please keep posting to help you get through this.

Trigger****
I am going to say this because I have to so I don't throw myself out of my front picture window.
I have been in therapy for like 10 years and I'm patient like 5 times.for long periods, ya I will I knew what I need to let go off and what is eating me alive. But right now I am so not there. And I feel either I cannot et better. Or I got screwed on therapy. Or I really need to think maybe I'm not made to walk this world for as long as I would have liked or planned to.

[Bill3]

It will make me be unclean. I will do horrible things. I will be tied to the earth. I will feel it, inside of me. I will have to eat and ill never know how much will be too much. If it just happens.
Everyone will touch it, tease me.
People will look at me.

Thank you for saying what you feel and fear.

Is this a good summary? Please correct as needed:

As you see it, fat can mean a complete loss of control throughout your life and the humiliation of being observed and judged by others.

[Tatyana2009]

As I was reading you post I got a sense too, like Bill3, that you are scared of losing cotrol and feel very unsure about yourself and who you are.

Where you abused in any way as a child? (you do not have to answer if you do not want to of course).

I think (maybe I am wrong?) that you are scared of existing. Of being.

Its OK to be! Just to be. No judgement. No fear. No demand. No approval. Just be.

You can let go now of all the thoughts and feelings that do not help you anymore. And just be.

Eating keeps us a life and fat is a good thing - it helps us maintain our energy, keep us warm and nurture us (when it is in good measure). It makes me sad that you are so afraid of being alive and enjoying yourself and your body.

Remember - you are OK as you are. and fat is part of you.

I do not know what sort of therapy you got but maybe change therapist for a while? Look for someone who specialises with eating disorders and if you feel suicidal please go and talk to someone now!!

I am sending you warm hugs!!

[Tatyana2009]

Also - there is a good book - 'The Power of Now' which you may find helpful. Nothing to do with eating disorder but a book that may help with an over all sense of well being xxx

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by tifferific

Trigger****
I am going to say this because I have to so I don't throw myself out of my front picture window.
I have been in therapy for like 10 years and I'm patient like 5 times.for long periods, ya I will I knew what I need to let go off and what is eating me alive. But right now I am so not there. And I feel either I cannot et better. Or I got screwed on therapy. Or I really need to think maybe I'm not made to walk this world for as long as I would have liked or planned to.
:
:
It will make me be unclean. I will do horrible things. I will be tied to the earth. I will feel it, inside of me. I will have to eat and ill never know how much will be too much. If it just happens.
Everyone will touch it, tease me.
People will look at me.
I want to be gone invisible. I want to fly away.

I think that you didn't have a therapist that helped you or they would have touched on all of these things you are having problems with now after 10 years.

This doesn't sound like body image issues to me.......& from my experience, (inpatient & outpatient) they have the concept that anorexia is all about body image issues & don't hear the other things that are going on & don't even let the other things come out because they don't know how to handle them. I was even told that by an inpatient center this last time when I was having problems with anorexia. They told me that the only thing they work on are body image issues & anything else it beyond their capability. (this was coming from an ED treatment center that should be able to handle any causes for an ED except for a medical reason)

You need a therapist who will work on why eating makes you feel unclean? What horrible things you will do? & what about being tied to the earth is causing you problems?

As far as the fear of not knowing when to stop eating, the body does have a shut off that tells us when we are full. When my anorexia was bad, that was after 2 bites. As I got better, now I can eat about 1/2 of a plate of food before I am so full I can't eat another bite. I go from able to eat to full in one bite.....stomach tells the mind when it is full. That is a body/mind function that it is born with......just like the pain we feel when we are hungry. We can ignore it, but it does exist on either end (hungry/full).

Who is going to touch it & tease you? Your husband? Who would even think of teasing you after all the work it will take you to get to a safe weight, a weight that everyone wants you to be safe with? Why in the world would they tease you about it? You know in reality no one would ever tease you.

You are afraid of people looking at you if you gain a little weight. You don't think they are looking at you now & thinking how sad that she is anorexic?

I think the fact that you want to be gone, to just fly away is the key to your not getting better. It sounds like you have more of a desire to be invisible than to get better. This is a very key issue that needs to be worked on in therapy. Doesn't sound like any of your therapy has touched on these issues or you wouldn't be still dealing with them after 10 years.

I don't know what all you have gone through in your life or what all has happened to you to make you feel this way. But it sounds like there may be so many things that have happened to you in your life that has caused your thinking to go off in this unhealthy direction.

I know after that long, if I was still dealing with the same feelings & thoughts that were causing me to be be sick, I would be looking for therapy that was willing to help me & not just sit there spinning my wheels with useless therapy.

I hope you really have the desire to get well & to find the therapy that can really help you. I know for me it was frustrating because it doesn't seem like the therapy is really available, but searching for a therapist to help is important as they can help you work on those thought patterns that are so very unhealthy to you.

Hope you have the energy to find the help you really need,
Debbie

[Tatyana2009]

I love what eskielover wrote above and agree with every word!!

I hope you are able to draw some strength from the posts - they are wonderful!

Please let us know how you are xx

[tifferific]

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

I love what eskielover wrote above and agree with every word!!

I hope you are able to draw some strength from the posts - they are wonderful!

Please let us know how you are xx

Thank you everyone for taking time out of your lives and putting time into thought and putting it into words for me.
I appreciate it greatly.
Especially now when I am feeling so very low and unstable.
I stick with therapist because I hate change.
It takes me simply foever to get past little simple traumas then to really dive into the big issues at hand so I just hate to even try to trust again because I trust so very little.

Change, the ridicule of family a million things.
And yes I do want to get better. But fat, fat, I feel like after two weeks of trying to eat a little btter its creeping up on me. And I'm am having some crazy thoughts. That I don't know if I or anyone can help me with or control. My life, is falling apart. I trust noone for some reason yes people like me.
But then they use me.
And then they abuse and mentally abuse me. The only one who is always true is my anorexia????

[Tatyana2009]

Hey, there is so much more to life than this!!

Thank you for letting us know how you are. I was checking to see how you feel. Can my words make you feel better if I tried? I dont know. Can you let go of some of the pain and decide to look after yourself? I dont know. Will you find some comfort in the small things that are around you? (a flower, a bird, a smile) - I dont know. Can you listen to yourself in the middle of the night - your inner self that needs to live and let go? I dont know. Can you look in the mirror and say - I love myself? I am good as I am. I need to look after myself and I need to let love in? I dont know.

Only you know! And only you can decide to do these things. Not for me - but for your own sake. For your own well being. You deserve it! No one is meant to suffer and your thoughts are just thoughts. Recognise them as you do, but behave in a way that loves yourself. I would start by finding what makes me happy and what makes me smile.

Your illness is not you!

Lots of love and all the strength I can send you! I hope you choose to care xxx

[tifferific]

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

Hey, there is so much more to life than this!!

Thank you for letting us know how you are. I was checking to see how you feel. Can my words make you feel better if I tried? I dont know. Can you let go of some of the pain and decide to look after yourself? I dont know. Will you find some comfort in the small things that are around you? (a flower, a bird, a smile) - I dont know. Can you listen to yourself in the middle of the night - your inner self that needs to live and let go? I dont know. Can you look in the mirror and say - I love myself? I am good as I am. I need to look after myself and I need to let love in? I dont know.

Only you know! And only you can decide to do these things. Not for me - but for your own sake. For your own well being. You deserve it! No one is meant to suffer and your thoughts are just thoughts. Recognise them as you do, but behave in a way that loves yourself. I would start by finding what makes me happy and what makes me smile.

Your illness is not you!

Lots of love and all the strength I can send you! I hope you choose to care xxx

Thank you! I wish that I didn't think letting soneone in and help me wasn't like letting someone see my spilled guts seriously. I wish I didn't feel like I was so tainted. That I'm so much more evil and gross than everyone else. And I don't want anyone to know.shhhh! So I am tuff!

[Tatyana2009]

Originally Posted by tifferific

Thank you! I wish that I didn't think letting soneone in and help me wasn't like letting someone see my spilled guts seriously. I wish I didn't feel like I was so tainted. That I'm so much more evil and gross than everyone else. And I don't want anyone to know.shhhh! So I am tuff!

From what you are saying it sounds like you want to change. However, you are scared of the change. Maybe it would be helpful therefore to explore why you are afraid of change. I have known people who are afraid of change - they all experienced som serious situations in their childhood when they were not in control and felt both fear and helplessness in facing this situation.

Also - maybe this is connected to why you are dreading letting someone in and helping you.

In the end - if you want your therapist to help you - you have to trust him/ her. If she /he is a good therapist they would allow you to feel in control over the process, which you should be anyway. So if you current one does not allow you this or makes you feel you cannot open for another reason - please change therapist. You can decide that you can go for one session trial and see how it goes.

What dont you want anyone to know?

Hugs xxx

[tifferific]

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

From what you are saying it sounds like you want to change. However, you are scared of the change. Maybe it would be helpful therefore to explore why you are afraid of change. I have known people who are afraid of change - they all experienced som serious situations in their childhood when they were not in control and felt both fear and helplessness in facing this situation.

Also - maybe this is connected to why you are dreading letting someone in and helping you.

In the end - if you want your therapist to help you - you have to trust him/ her. If she /he is a good therapist they would allow you to feel in control over the process, which you should be anyway. So if you current one does not allow you this or makes you feel you cannot open for another reason - please change therapist. You can decide that you can go for one session trial and see how it goes.

What dont you want anyone to know?

Hugs xxx

I don't want anyone to know anything.
See I would be exposing my inner most pain.
Pain that even I don't care to look at. Ever again.
I don't want to get fat I don't want help.
I don't want to be anymore gross than I already am.
I don't want anyone to look at me.
Or tease me.
I just want to be alone. I want to hide I want to disappear. I want to fly away.

[Bill3]

In order to tell your T the pain, tell anyone else, or post it here, you have to look at the pain.

But it hurts too much to look at the pain.

And do you feel that it is too risky to trust someone? Do you feel that, if you trust someone, that person will come to know you and then reject you and tease you?

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much.

[tifferific]

Originally Posted by Bill3

In order to tell your T the pain, tell anyone else, or post it here, you have to look at the pain.

But it hurts too much to look at the pain.

And do you feel that it is too risky to trust someone? Do you feel that, if you trust someone, that person will come to know you and then reject you and tease you?

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much.

Manipulate, reject, abandone, control, abuse, kill all that makes me all the little I have left of what is me.

[Bill3]

It feels as though any person you trust will not just reject you; they will manipulate, reject, abandon, control, abuse or kill all that makes you the little that you have left of what is you.

You have suffered so much, for so long, and with such pain. I'm so sorry.

[eskielover]

Basically you sound like I did the first time I was dealing with anorexia. It was my way out of this world. I could die & blame it on anorexia & not on suicide

I just want to be alone. I want to hide I want to disappear. I want to fly away.

Not only that, but my family wouldn't have to deal with the stigma of suicide either, so it was going to free me from that responsibility also. Whatever the means we choose for ending our lives the result is still the same because it's a choice we make, not something that just happens. I was choosing not to feel the pain anymore......that pain has nothing to do with body image, or fat......that pain is even worse than any of that.

There are many people who are dealing with anorexia/bulemia/ED of any kind who have endured pain that is beyond what they can handle alone. They are finding now that there are people who are dealing with anorexia from the PTSD of going through an abortion.......we may choose to focus on the fat & the body image, but underneath it all, it's another pain completely that we have to deal with in order to survive.

Most treatment centers won't deal with those pains from my experience. All they want to focus on is the body image (a direct quote from the last ED treatment center I talked to).......as I found out 5 years ago when they wouldn't deal with the real issues underlying my anorexia.

When we hide from the pain, the pain only gets worse. When we let the pain out & it's the pain that will fly away, not us. When our desire to end our life is greater than the desire to live, we allow the anorexia to win. It is our choice to loose the battle when we won't deal with the real problem

I only wish you could find the will to help yourself & the will to let go of the pain you are holding onto by not facing it.
Debbie

[tifferific]

oh i want to talk and im left with no words great

[Bill3]

Keep trying! Can you say even a few words?

[Tatyana2009]

Hi again, I have been off the site for a while as was dealing with what I needed to face and also did not have the net accessible.

I wonder how you are. I hope you will see this post.

I sensed that you want to talk. You want to heal. And that is so great!!

You know, that pain that we feel inside - as long as we keep it inside - can do some real monsterous things to us. It grows like an animal and gets out of control. It stays and blames and makes us feel like we are not worth anything different. The secret is - that once we let it out - its out! Its not inside us anymore and we open some space for healing, for positive change, for being good to ourselves.

I urge you to let that pain out. In writing. To a therapist. To a friend. On this site. In a poem. However way you most feel comfortable. Release it. It is so difficult and limiting to keep it all in.

One more thing - you are not evil!! You sound like a sensitive and thooughtful person to me. I am sorry you feel so bad that this is how you think. Please be good to yourself. I am looking forward to hearing from you x