eating disorder's daily check in spot

i think i am going to lose another tooth.

FINALLY had a day without bingeing or purging!

so ashamed Dentist in 4 hours! ticktocticktock... scared! ! !

i get to keep my tooth.
... i will have to go back though

Im not sure why im so worried about my teeth while im trying so hard to get the rest of me to disappear.

Cheshire cat not grinning.

Ever since I started two new jobs I have not been eating. As regularly as I should and I feel horrible for it

I just want to fade into nothingness.....I hate my life & just have no desire to continue.....& the first thing to go when I feel like this is eating. They can't take away my quality of life & force me to live it.

Haven't ventured here in a bit. Easy to deny when you haven't yet been diagnosed. But I can't take it anymore. Tuesday, at my appointment, I'm bringing it up. I am this time. I'm sick of this voice in my head. I'm sick of hurting so much. I'm sick of arguing back and forth with myself about whether eating is worth it or not.

I'm scared. Terrified. Because I know it will change everything. But if I am to ever fully recover, honesty is crucial. And looking at journals from the past year, looking at pictures... I cannot deny what I did.

Deep breaths. I have to remind myself to take them. I've been taking baby steps since January. It's time to take a leap.

bronzeowl: It is very scary to open up about something so private. Know that we are here to listen too. Take that leap with pride in knowing that you are wanting to kick your ED in the butt, and say goodbye to it for good. I am here to stand beside you in your journey.

You can do this, Bronze. It will help so much, and you wont be alone! We will be here for you.

Good luck Bronze Talking about my ED to my T has been wonderfully helpful and healing to me

So, today I have eaten well! The right amount of meals and snacks. Also, even though 1 snack was what I would consider 'bad', I haven't beaten myself up about it. People eat unhealthy food, its normal to have a few bits of unhealthy food. It's all good

HealingTimes: You are so right that people eat "unhealthy" food and it is ok as long as it is in moderation. Good for you for eating all your meals and snacks today. Keep up the good work.

I really appreciate everyone elses posts. I dont have anywhere else anybody talks about any of this.

Im sorry because i always feel like i am so negative. I really do try to fight back sometimes. I just mosty fail. Which just makes it worse and loops it. This weekend i fell halfway down my basement stairs. I got very dizzy after standing up too quickly and walking to the backdoor to let the dogs out. I have huge bruises. I just want to stay in bed but instead i have to go to work and smile at everybody and make 100extra trips up and down the hallway.
I know it makes me a horrible pathetic person but maybe if i pass out theyll send me home sick. I must really be a lazy person to wish for that.

I went to my GP. She is the local go-to doc for people with EDs b/c she's known for being very kind, understanding of ED nuances and easy to talk to. I haven't seen her in 2 years. When she walked in the room I was instantly triggered. I had forgotten that I'm 6 inches taller than her and outweigh her by double-digits. If I were told she was anorexic, I wouldn't be shocked.

But here's the good news - I recognized that I felt fine in my own skin when I walked in there, and I told myself I would again the moment I was away from her. And it was so.

Eat my dust ED!

Thats cool ShaggyChic! Thanks for sharing it.

Actually enjoyed supper tonight.

Oh God, I am just so hideous and revolting I hate hate hate myself and my rubbish body

I'm so sorry guys, I don't mean to moan so much...but I just cant stand this anymore Why am I so disgusting? I have no control at all anymore, I just eat and eat and eat and I cant seem to stop
I know it's just a phase, and there ARE good days where I eat normally, but they are very few at the moment.
I cannot bear to look at myself, it makes me feel weak and worthless and nauseous.
I wish I could climb out of my own body and just make it all stop

for healingtimes

*warning - yucky
My anorexic mind part keeps ruining my food: making gross ooze and spiders and bugs start coming out of my food. I know it cant really be there, but how am i supposed to eat that?!? No way. Just no way.

Had a GREAT day today. I managed to eat more than usual, and as a result, had way more energy than usual!

I'm binge eating a lot pretty badly and I feel like I can't stop.

I have been binge eating a lot aboutone year ago.
I gained weight from some 93 to 106 KG within
a year or so and it went steadily upwards
I need some scheme to go down in weight

??? At the end of the Cancer treatment I went down
from some 94 KG to 76 KG and due to severe anorectic.
even refusing to drink water. or any other such product.
Milk or Beer or whatever.

Luckily I came out of it spontaneously
some weeks ago due to a very tasty
"Bubbly" water that one made oneself at home.

The food anorectic still hit me now and then.

Nothing tasted normal and they told me
that this part of the treatment side effects.

So I try to eat the little that my body accept.

Toasted bread with cheese and such. Green Peas
that have been deep freezed or White beans in
Tomato sauce.
Still have problem with too sweet things though.
Even a plain standard Banana is way too sweet.

Feeling a bit better today. Have eaten well, not too much, no binges, no restriction. Just normal.

My worst time for binging is in the evenings, so I am just about to face this evening feeling pretty positive, fingers crossed.

The other day i was served an ACTUAL BUG in my food at a restaurant. Can you believe it?!? Really?!? The thing is, upon seeing it and confirming it really was there (a fruit fly, something that could happen anywhere) i didnt feel disgusted at all. I felt relieved! Happy even! I had a legitimate reason to send the food away and not eat. The moment it was removed, i could feel every muscle in my body relaxing. I didnt even know they had been tight to begin with. I felt like a huge weight had been taken off my chest and i could really breathe!
I just thought this was a freaky experience since ive been seeing bugs in my food lately. Im sorry i didnt have a positive post to share.
Thank you everyone else for sharing - positive and negative.

I did not know that eating disorder or food problems
was part of the diangose. I am a poor reader of such texts
My aDD make me drown in the text and I forget almost all of it.

That is why I where so skeptic to me an Asperger or ASD because
they are often better than average to be very structured and consisten
in using logic and seeing patterns and so on
While I am all over the place not knowing what to do next.

Bi-polar though is rather similar Okay we should only
use this thread as a daily check in. Sorry me derailing.