eating disorder's daily check in spot

I'm doing okay today!! No episodes,no b/p cycle...just me!!

I have been making some very mean comments about bariatric patients and am ashamed of myself for it. I am not really talking about them.

I haven’t posted here in a long time. Anxiety has taken over again and my thoughts about restricting are getting stronger. The whole idea of eating disgusts me and I’m having trouble blocking the bad thoughts.

I am supposed to get some new clothes this weekend. I hate that. But i know i look horribly sloppy at work. But i will look ugly no matter what so who cares?

great idea to check in. still not one day with out it but continuing to stay positive and i know i will get there so glad to to be here. i will get there i know it!

I did not get clothes. I had a fight with an hr person about whether it was rude for her to guess my weight , found endless reasons to circle the building , and then i made cabbage soup.

I have been really numb,to the point where I'm not even sure I'm here. The ED and substance voice is so loud and I cave in. So I'm a bit depressed now,feeling really low again and distant!!

I've been zoning out with the problem of finding a pain specialist to take over my previous one who closed his practice....I still have the medication at the level I've been on for 10 years....at least into March....but March is coming closer & closer & I'v been to several Pain specialists who refuse to continue on my previous treatment plan......

Stressing a lot.....I loose track of time....& can end up going days with out remembering to eat or even feeling like eating. It's a good thing my dogs are insistant about getting their food....but I can't seem to force myself to get my food at the same time I get theirs.

There is always a trigger involved it seems......& have lost some while still staying in the safe zone....but just don't feel like eating I take a few bites then feel sick.....so I let the food sit there & get cold....end up eating a few bites here & there over the next 24 hours........It just feels better to NOT EAT at times....& this is one of them.

Yesterday i got "stuck" in front of the display of store brand sugar free hard candies for i dont even know how long. I have a set number i put in one of the small drawers of my office supply caddy on my desk at work each morning to eat through the day. Any number of horrible things might happen if i dont have them, and i was out. So, it was essential i pick just the right flavour.
Otherwise, my head might decide i dont get to eat anything at work at all. I might grow so cranky i cuss out my boss, or so overwhelmed i just burst into tears, or just walk out the door into traffic, or collapse. Or, my appetite might take over and grow out of control. I might empty the vending machine then pray no one notices just how long i've been gone while i lock myself in the single bathroom stuffing then heaving. Return to my desk with bloodshot eyes.
... So no,four employees and two mangers who obviously think i'm shoplifting, you can clearly not help me.
(It's okay, though, really, i'm restocked now)

I managed to eat a big meal this morning that was made for me by a friend, although I some how doubt I would have eaten much if it was not for my friends making me food like this.

Been doing ok. I no longer have a dietician or ED T, just my DBT T. Now that I don't have someone keeping track of how I am doing, I hope that I don't slip back into my old ways.

I do not want to be in charge of your food.

I'm setting a small weight loss goal for myself. I have a huge amount to lose, so right now I'm just aiming to lose enough that I fit comfortably into my old clothes that are about 2 sizes too small. I have a closet full of clothes I can't wear because they are all too tight.
I'm struggling a little bit because when I feel the urge to binge, I just wanna say ***** losing weight, I just wanna stuff my face, but I know that'll make me feel lousy and worthless after.

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Last weekend i caused a big fight because i got really excited about reading new delivery menus. I forgot that the point for a NORMAL person would be ordering food at the end. For me just the reading was counting as eating. So i got overwhelmed and couldn't decide on anything. It caused a huge blowout. i still feel bad.
This weekend I'm just going to agree to everything. If i have to hide it or puke it, so be it.

I have been doing really well! I think getting out of my family home into a new environment has helped a lot on that front, because I no longer associate the kitchen with shame or resent me, but a place where I spend time happy with someone I love deeply. She helps me eat properly. Never pushing me, but encouraging me either way the meal goes. I am staying on top of my meal plans and doing all of my boost drinks and what not. I don't think I am "cured" at all, I do think that I am managing everything so much better, though.

I don't know how to eat anymore and how to not feel guilty when I eat foods that I usually stay away from. I went grocery shopping on Friday and I got a few things I never buy, like a box of froot loops, some Pillsbury crescents, a box of cookies, just basically processed foods. I still got a lot of produce. Should I not make myself feel guilty for eating certain things? I can't help it, because I KNOW these foods are unhealthy but I feel like if I don't give in and buy them, I'll end up bingeing eventually. I am overeating a lot still which makes me feel very guilty.

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Realizing I'm an emotional eater... Taking steps to stop emotional eating. I just ate 1 1/2 12 inch pizzas for supper, and not feeling too great now.

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I feel really silly feeling afraid of food. But I'm afraid of it anyway.

I look forward to going home all day, then at the last second i start to dread it. Its harder to avoid food there.
Thats so pathetic.

Food is so overwhelming, I feel like idk how to eat well anymore.

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Oh my god, I feel sooo much better after not eating today... I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Fortunately (or unfortunately?) for me, I can't get any outpatient treatment for my eating disorder, so no one will stop me. Which is stupid because studies show that inpatient treatment (the ONLY ED treatment I've gotten) doesn't work...

I wish people would stop bringing extra food into the office. I feel like I'm going to absorb all the fat they are eating through osmosis or something.
I know thats wrong thinking. I know i know better. But sometimes i also dont.

I feel like I don't recognize my own body anymore. I think, "this can't be my body. How did I let myself gain so much weight??"

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Like a little silver fish swimming up through the fat, or the muscle, or the flesh, or the sinew and tendon, is the bone. The clean, iridescent, luminescent, bone. And i want it to stand up free. I want to see it.
To see them all. The body as a school of only these silver fishes.

I don't know if I consider myself recovered or not. I have been doing really well. However I don't know if I could look at my weight and be ok with knowing that I am over my safe weight. I think seeing it would mean it is written in stone, make it real; and I am not sure if I am ready for that. I no longer have a dietician monitoring my weight. It has been almost 2yrs since my last ED hospital stay, but only 1yr since my last relapse.