eating disorder's daily check in spot

Today I told my mom I have an ED...her first reaction was to say that I'm not that skinny to which I said you don't have to be skinny to have an ED. And then she said that I haven't lost that much weight that fast...and of course, I did awhile back, but my metabolism has slowed down at this point so no, I'm not losing weight as fast, but I am still losing. And then she thought it was this new thing, and I was like no, it goes back to at least freshman year of college. Ugh. Dealing with her and this is gonna be like dealing with her when I was first diagnosed as bipolar. When I told her that, she said that I couldn't possibly be bipolar. At least I'm only living with her for another short while...3 weeks tops. And once she's gone, we'll never talk about it again. In all honesty, I wasn't even going to tell her, but then I said something about yeah there are good things in my life right now and there are also things that aren't, and of course she wanted to know what, so I listed them off. I think part of it for her is she's upset that she had absolutely no idea. And a lot of it for me is that she has no clue what having an ED actually means. She's like well there are a lot of EDs so what does you saying you have an ED mean

Went to the grocery yesterday & spent a fortune on food....my refrig has been broken for the last 2 months & just got it back & reorganized last week.....so now I can find things & know what I have in there.....so I went out & bought more food to put in the refrig....but this time I'm going to eat it rather than let it sit there.......after all that what I had to eat today????

2 plocts (a cross between a plum & an apricot)....3 baby back ribs & 10 strawberries.....not a well balanced diet.....will try to figure out something more if I'm not too tired after going to Lowe's.....planning on buying a BBQ to grill on....I have always liked the flavor of grilled food better than microwave or baked & never ate the fried foods because my system never could handle it.

I had a panic attack when I got to the register at the grocery....& emptied my cart onto the check out....lots of vegies & food to make.....now I have to MAKE the things that I bought the food for. I enjoy the chicken salad with grapes & nuts in it.....so I got the makings for that.....love the cucumber spread with.....on crackers or in wraps just like the chicken salad......lots of healthy fruits & vegies.....only a couple of frozen prepared foods for quick dinners when I'm desperate......& the makings for my favorite....mango/pinapple smoothies by the ton.....I could live on those during the summer along with salads.....but even at that, I seem to only be hungry enough to eat one time a day....sometimes snack food helps but usually.....I feel like it's an accomplishment to eat one real meal a day or I would be constantly making food & cleaning up the kitchen & living alone....I have too many other responsibilities than to be trapped in doing nothing but that.

I had an ok day today. Had to force myself to eat dinner, just wasn't real hungry. Could have just slept and called it good, but knew better than to let Ana's voice get ahold of me again.

Eskie: I think that what you had to eat was a good thing. Maybe next time add some veggies to it. Sounds like you have bought the makings for some yummy stuff. Do you have friends with which you could all get together and make meals for the week and then freeze them? I have heard of people doing this, but have never done it myself. I think it would help to just have to warm up/cook something than make and cook it too. Plus you only have a big mess once a week or so. Just an idea though.

Today I struggled with overeating again and I started at 7:30 this morning. I'm so ashamed of myself as I can't seem to stop. I used to be able to eat once in the morning and once in the afternoon. my goal is to not eat and fast, I have done this in the past and after three days I am no longer hungry. I did find a specialist here in my city that specializes in ED I think i will save up to go and see her. I have no perspective right now. My husband eats non stop, has a high metabolism and is very lean and skinny,doesn't help me at all.

Today T said anorexia. It's been the elephant in the room for quite awhile, but now it's out there. It came up when I said I told my mom and told her what my mom said...and she said something like yeah, everyone thinks all anorexics are super skinny. And at that moment, it became real. I mean, I knew it, but I didn't want to accept that yet. Accepting I have an ED (non-specified) was really hard for me...now I have to accept anorexia...I'm now the girl I never wanted to be...but I'm working on changing that. I had a smoothie and a few pretzel sticks before dinner, and still ate at dinner (though I felt super awful afterwards, to the point of bawling)...

SDRL take it one meal at a time one day at a time.

Doing ok today. Saw my pdoc and she weighed me, but didn't tell me how much. I want to talk to my dietician about knowing my weight first, before I just go looking. Numbers are a HUGE trigger for me, but I need to learn to face them.

Butterfli...I am SO proud of you! You are doing so awesome!! really making a commitment to beat Ana and you are such an inspiration to others.

Why do you feel you need to face the numbers if they're so triggering for you. I am also triggered by the scale, and so I let the professionals take care of it. My doc and dietician know what I weigh and they don't tell me. They won't let me go up or down more than a pre-agreed on number of pounds without addressing it with me (to figure out what's going on, not to punish me). I trust them to keep me from ballooning up and I don't worry about the numbers anymore.

Cant you work out something similar?

Tell me to shut up if I'm insulting you or being really stupid. I mean well.

bub: I think that once I am comfortable with knowing how much I weigh, Ana will no longer have any control over me. Right now I feel as if she is still controling my weight by me not knowing what it is. If I can confront the number, and know it is just that, then will I have really beaten Ana.

I saw my dietician today, and we ran out of time before we could talk about me finding out how much I weigh. I have graduated from every 2 week visits to monthly visits and she asked me the all important question of "Do you think you have an eating disorder still?" My answer was yes, because I still have the thoughts eventhough I am fighting them. I want to be able to say no I no longer have an ED, but at the same time I am scared to not have Ana as part of my life. Does that make sense to anyone?

It makes perfect sense.....I know for me, I have always aimed at staying within a specific range & when I didn't watch...it went out of control the other way....something I promised myself I would never allow to happen again.....but sometimes when that upper range gets hit, disordered eating is the easiest way of controlling the weight.....the trick is to not allow the disordered eating turn into the ED of anorexia again & allowing it to have the control......the difference is WHO IS IN CONTROL????

I will probably never exist without disordered eating problem for me is that it's really easy for stress & trauma to turn into anorexia & if me weight is already at JUST THE SAFE PLACE, it has no place to go but too low. It's really a fine balance line to walk & it's not easy to keep the control because for me, loosing weight can have it's own life & power. Staying within the healthy range is not that easy....there are days when I eat out with friends & feel like eating a few extra snacks right after the 1st of the month when I buy groceries. It's almost like a tight-rope walk that one does with the numbers on the scale.

I think it's important to be in control of those numbers ourselves....but in control to keep them at a healthy place....not the control that can set in when we do start so loose in order to stay within that balance.

For me, I think I will always have some level of disordered eating in my life...as long as I don't allow that disordered eating become the ED again....the battle that is ongoing IMO....here today, gone tomorrow, then back again.....as long as one can control the weight within the healthy range & be able to stop the disordered eating in either direction once the limit has been reached through one's own self-control....then is when the ED no longer exists IMO.

Thanks for answering me Buttrfli. I think what you're saying makes perfect sense, both in terms of the numbers and not wanting to necessarily give up the identity, even though you want to be free of the symptoms.

I've mostly been symptom free since December 2011, but I still consider myself to be recovering, not recovered. IMO, though, you can be fully recovered. I know the AA paradigm for drinking says that if you take one drink, you'll revert to your previous level of drinking and won't be able to control yourself. I'm not questioning that - I have no idea - but I don't think (again, just my opinion) that the same is true for EDs. I believe that we can be fully recovered. Our thoughts can be free of the ED demons, our body image healthy even if our body isn't exactly what we idolized it to be, and food is just something for nutrition or once and a while for enjoyment...but NOT an obsession.

I also think though, that upon times of great stress, our tendency and temptation will be to lapse into old patterns. To me, that doesn't mean that a person was not fully recovered.

At any rate, whatever you are doing Butterfli, you are doing well. I continue to pray that your Ana thoughts go away and your healthy ones abound.

Bub

I ate 3 meals today. That's huge! I ate a real breakfast and a real lunch, and a small dinner...but it was 3 times! I got through eating 3 times and I didn't cry once! (over food that is -- I cried plenty about other things). I'm really proud of myself. A week ago, I was eating a "real" amount once a day. I feel disgusting, and if I didn't have a sprained ankle I'd be going out for a run, but since I do, oh well. I have a new pair of running shoes though But I'm not planning on using them for excessive exercise, I just want them for regular exercise since I don't have money for a gym membership so I'm mainly going to be running and doing Pilates (I have a DVD and the bands along with a mat) and whatever else I can find on Youtube. Yay being a poor student!!

Congratulations SDRL!

Thank you!

SDRL you have every right to be proud of yourself. That is a huge accomplishment! Keep up the good work and positive attitude.

As for me, I am doing good today. Actually considering a snack right now because I feel a bit hungry. I used to have a rule that I couldn't eat after a certain time, but that rule is gone with the wind.

Oh good lord if it not one thing it is another. Body image issue on overload!!!!

I'm doing pretty well with my goal today. I made it my goal to eat every 4 hours since I know I should especially since I was younger I was like uber hypoglycemic, and I've been told by T and old pdoc that it helps to keep the serotonin regular in your head. So I ate at 10 and 2 (approximately). It's now 6:20 and I haven't eaten, so I need to figure out a snack because then there will be dinner 'round 7 or maybe 7:30 so I don't want to eat too much. It's strange and scary though all at the same time...my sense of hunger is starting to return. I can still squash it with very little food, but it's harder to ignore.

Thanks everybody for sharing. Sometimes I don't feel like saying anything myself but I like to read what everyone else has to say. Gives me food for thought. (No pun intended )

Ate 3 meals again today Two of them were salad (like real salad, with meat and cheese and all -- not just lettuce), and two of them were small, but it was 3 nonetheless. And honestly, I'm still full from dinner an hour and a half later.

Oh...and it's now like really official official that I have anorexia...pdoc wrote the code from the DSM for it on my bill for my insurance...but honestly, I'm now kind of over the initial denial and not wanting the label. I'm at the point that I'm ready to kick some @ss.

It is only Tuesday and I managed to keep down all my food.

WTG Moxie!!

Great job SDRL and Moxie! Keep up the good work. I know it is hard, but you two are doing an awesome job at kicking ED to the curb.

I am doing good, tomorrow is my appt with my ED t and I still haven't done my homework. I need to make it a habit to do it before I get on here, but I forget and jump on here to check in with everyone and to relax.

Buttr, I know exactly how you feel. After email and Facebook, this is the place I check the most, and the place I spend the most time actually because of the relaxing environment and great community.

Tomorrow will be a lot for me...I have T and am meeting with the (I guess I should say my -- she is part of the treatment trio I've got as a team along with my T and pdoc) nutritionist after that. I made a copy of my food diary for my T so she can have it as a point of reference as well (and she loves things from me). I'm hoping that both will be proud of my progress because I made a giant step in the past week. I hope they don't expect this much every week though...because this was seriously pushing me outside my comfort zone.

I worked hard in PT on Monday, got home at 3:00, tired, weak, and very hungry as I hadn't eaten since Sunday morning. I was crabby and hubby asked what was wrong, and I said, "My knee hurts, and I'm hungry!" Soon he brought me in a bologna sandwich with miracle whip, cheese, lettuce, and crunched up potato chips. Along with a big cup full of grapes. It was delicious but I felt very bloated. We went on a several hour long, circling around road trip to pick up things for the business. By 7 I was already noticing my stomach growling and we went through the drive through..... not healthy, but filling! We got home around 11 pm, I was hungry again of course, normally I would just go to bed and try to ignore it, but I had a wonderful little snack of apples and cheese, and felt satisfied til morning!
I woke up and had some milk, and had small meals for lunch and dinner. I was proud of eating pretty frequently. I had a small snack a few hours ago, and I am starting to feel I could use something, but trying to just go to sleep. But if I wake up, I will not hesitate to have something.
I am telling myself healing must require many calories, and that is why I am hungry. I crave GOOD food....big salads with cheese and veggies and ham and avocado.......milk.....cheese.....oranges......lean beef......juice. I am not craving Chips Ahoy. I give myself permission to eat and heal, no matter how uncomfortable it is, it is awkward to eat until I'm full....it's weird.

I'm going to try to eat every time I feel uncomfortably hungry, seems like such a stupid simple concept, but if I were not recovering from surgery, I would fail at that attempt most likely the first day. Every time, I need to get it through my thick skull....my bones were opened up! They have to mend! PT is hard work! I need the calories!

Being around my husband so much helps. He will see to it that I eat.

It seems like I will struggle with eating several times a year. Because of this, I have to keep clothing in many different sizes. In college I struggled horribly with it. I loved to starve, I loved the "clean", "pure", and "in control" thoughts I had. I didn't look terribly skinny, just thin, but I loved to lay on the bed after starving a few days, and feel the sharpness of my hip bones and ribs, my stomach sunk in. I was proud of my strength and self denial. I couldn't wait to be skinny enough to be perfect. I wondered when I would be perfect. Tormented by hunger pangs, drinking water to ease them, but yet I wanted to feel them.

I never talk about this. My husband realizes when I start restricting, or taking food but not eating it, and he is aware and protective.

T and N both think I'm doing a great job! They were both impressed by my food journal and we're going to keep going from here. It's going to be really hard, and I don't know that I feel up for the challenge...but at the same time, I want to kick Ed's butt to the curb. It's just really hard when eating is a chore not something enjoyable or meaningful.

Ok,it is only Wednesday but I have kept all the food I ate.