Feel like a bit of a fraud

I'm starting to feel like a bit of a fraud, I don't know how to put it, I guess I'm confused. I've had eating issues for years, and I'm sure I'm not exactly normal, but I'm not sure I've actually got an issue, or maybe I do and I just think I don't, god I don't know.
I DO constantly think about how many calories are in everything I eat, and I don't let myself go over the allotted amount, if I do, I freak.
I don't really purge any more, because well, my lip piercings get infected I kept finding, and I rotted my wisdom teeth and had to have them removed a couple of years ago, so I guess that's under control these days, but I think about doing it every day.
I weigh myself every couple of days, although I desperately want to every day, several times a day, I've had to try to cut back, because it was getting out of hand, but that doesn't mean I'm not constantly wanting to.
I was in my cardio class the other day, and I almost burst into tears, I had to keep it under control for the entire class, all because I was looking in the mirror and seeing how much bigger I was than everyone else, all I could think was "they're all staring thinking, look at the bumbling fat girl in the corner, pathetic" I broke down when I got to my car.
I don't deal well with people seeing me eat, I'll try hard to eat away from people, or at least make sure I don't eat much in front of others, because I'm sure they're judging me, thinking about how much I'm eating.
I went over my calorie amount yesterday, and self harmed for the first time in about a year, all because I felt disgusted by my lack of control, I hate that I did it, but I still feel it was justified.
How I look and how much I weigh is constantly on my mind, and if the scales say I'm even slightly heavier than I was the previous day, I'm ruined for the whole day.
I hate my body, my BMI says I'm in a healthy weight range, but all I see is fat, and I hate it, I'm so ashamed of myself, I can't even let my fiancé see me naked, because I'm so damn embarrassed. I don't want to be in a healthy weight range anyway, I know it's nuts, but I don't think I'll be happy until I'm in the underweight weight range, I'm sure I'll look better at that point, ok that sounds crazy even to me, but I just feel it.
Every now and then I take the eating attitudes test, and it's the highest I've had in a while, 52, but still, feels like it's just not a significant score I guess?
But after all that, reading it back, I don't think I'm actually eating disordered, I don't know, it feels like I'm a fraud, like I'm just being melodramatic. Maybe I am.
Sorry for the rambling...

I am so sorry you are struggling. My situation is different but I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I am in the normal weight range but keep wanting to lose more weight until I am at the minimum of the normal range. The thing is, I am not sure I will stop losing even then. My T did the eating attitudes test and several body image tests with me and the EAT showed obvious disordered behaviors and the body image tests showed I have symptoms of body dysmorphic disorder. My T has already said if I get underweight she will diagnose me with anorexia. That freaked me out but I am still self starving and exercising a lot. I just want to be thinner and thinner. I know what I am doing is not good for my body but don't know how to stop.

After reading your post, I was wondering if you see a therapist? If not, it might be a good idea to find one. Just going to therapy has helped me with some of my denial of my ED and body image issues...although I am not totally to the point of declaring I have an ED as I can't even say it out loud. It sounds like you definitely recognize something is not right or normal and that is a good first step. Feel free to private message me if you need to talk more.

You don't sound like a fraud or melodramatic. You do sound like you're having a really hard time with your eating and body image. It doesn't matter if you're not eating disordered in the clinical sense. The DSM-V diagnoses are classifications designed to provided treatment providers with a frame of reference. In reality, people don't always fit neatly in these classifications. Human behavior and mental health range widely. What matters is that your issues are interfering with your life and you're miserable as a result. They're are not imaginary, and you deserve help.

It sounds like you're experiencing more stress than usual. I hope you find PC a source of relief. Along with AR2004, I urge you to see a therapist specializing in eating disorders. It can help you a lot.

Let us know how you're doing!

hi. I too agree with what the two people above have written. From what I was reading, everything you described is a bona fide ED. I hope you can find the help you so deserve. I hope each of us who want help can find that. So any one of us who wants to be free from this overwhelming disease ( in whatever form it manifests) can find that freedom. Such a painful condition

Thanks everyone, it's good to know I'm not just being overly dramatic, though it still feels that way, I just feel as though if I go see a T they'll just look at me, go, "she's healthy, she's just attention seeking", and I feel as though if I get that reaction, it's going to make everything so much worse, so it does scare me a bit.
That said, my fiancé does really want me to go see my dr at least, so I'm going to bite the bullet and make an appointment with my GP, and see how that goes. He knows I've self harmed in the past, so he's probably a good person to talk to I guess. I just don't know what the hell I'm going to say. Cause I feel as though I have no right to claim anything being at a healthy weight...

Your GP is probably going to say what my GP said......unless you are physically underweight & you need medical attention.....they leave the psychological part & any medicine (my pdoc wanted to prescribe a psych med that caused weight gain). My GP only took over the care when I needed to be in the medical hospital.....he monitored my weight for awhile when it was going down so drastically. I had been in the hospital a few months earlier with asthma/bronchitis because of the smoke from a forest fire & the anorexia basically started at that point in time then the stress from my mother going down hill with her cancer, then the trauma from the home care person......so I was a huge mess from everything psychological & physical hit all at the same time. My GP initially put me in the hospital to do tests to see if there was something physically wrong that was causing the weight loss while at the same time, he knew that I had dealt with anorexia about 10 years prior......while in the hospital, I still wasn't eating & aniema hit & then IV nutrition through a central line was necessary which hit at the same time as my mother's funeral so I left the hospital long enough for that then came back for the IV nutrition....the hospital's pdoc (not my own) said that I would NOT survive if I left the hospital....my GP looked the other way & allowed me to go AMA as the pdoc wanted to put me on a hold because he thought it was a danger to allow me to leave....interesting conflict that caused........

Anyway, as soon as I was medically stable even though my weight was still too low, my GP only continued to monitor my weight & do blood tests on & off to make sure I didn't need the medical care of the hospital......but as far as the treatment for the anorexia/ED......that's up to the pdoc & T's work with us.

I'm Under ED-NOS which means I don't fit anywhere. I'm on the high end of healthy BMI wise because I killed my thyroid and refuse to fix it. I'm scared to 'look the part' as I won't realize. I walk into door frame/ or turn while walking through doorways because I feel to large to fit. I really suggest finding a therapist.

After a bit of searching on break, apparently eating disorders Victoria offer free councilling sessions, they're one off things, but they also offer ongoing stuff. So maybe I'll give them a call and see what's involved. Unfortunately I don't have the money to see an actual T at this point, so this seems like the best avenue right now. Though I still feel like I'll be wasting their time (I know that's probably stupid but I can't stop the feeling)

Ok, I emailed them, so hopefully I'll hear back in the next day. Kinda of nervous, both in that they'll say I have a problem and that they'll say I don't. I'm not sure which I'm more worried about really.

I think its great that you took this step. Its scary and you did it anyway. Thats courage.

That is wonderful news.

Feels weird after so many years, actually taking any positive step. Thought about it several times, but never actually did anything.

Ok, so they emailed me back today, they say they can give me contact details for drs in my area that are good with this sort of stuff and can give me a referral to a T (otherwise I can't claim it on Medicare). I'm thinking about going to my own dr still, because he HAS shown interest in my mental health before, especially after seeing my self harm a couple of years ago. Now, I'm freaking out a bit more, I don't know how to broach the subject, I don't know whether to go with MY dr, or one that they have on their database.
I'm trying to keep up the "ok I'm going to see someone about this" but with these fears of how to bring it up, I have to admit I'm faltering on that.

Sorry to drag this on, but, I don't know if this is normal?
Since I've decided to actually see someone, I don't know if I'm rationalising or what, but I'm basically dead certain in my head that I really don't need help, that there's nothing wrong with what I do, like surely this **** is what ALL women do.
It's weird because its the exact opposite to how I was thinking a couple of days ago, since I decided to talk to a dr, I don't feel like I need to... Is this weird?

I do not think its wierd. I think its just part of the denial system. I think its great that you are aware of the thought patterns. And you are writing about it here. sometimes I have to drag myself, through a lot of resistance, to do what I know in my heart is right. Even if so much of me is not sure. Its a tough one. But I think you are doing great. Because you are aware of the thought process. And writing about it. THAT's PROGRESS