[bronzeowl]

I have been scared of posting here. I have been scared of talking to anyone about this. I have been pretty scared, period. I am no stranger to disordered eating. It is certainly not new to me. I have ignored it most of my life, though. I went through restricting in high school/early adulthood. Then, after I dealt with my first death in adulthood, I went into a period of heavy binge eating. And now, I fear I have fallen into restricting again.

In the beginning, it was fairly easy to hide. My family, of course, didn't notice the problem right away. It started (progressively) in January. Now, though, they're noticing. And while I was maybe just a little drunk, I spilled the beans and confessed things I didn't even know I was doing. The problem is I'm stuck because I'm scared but there's a part of me that isn't sure I'm ready to get better. I don't remember much of my mom's reaction, but I heard her say maybe I should consider hospitalization and that has been echoing in my head all day.

I'm stuck here: a) I know I have a problem, b) I know I need help, but c) I both do and don't want help at the same time. I don't know how to bring this up to my doctor. I don't know how to mention it to him. I have, also, been a little afraid no one will take it seriously since I don't fit the 'stereotype'.

In my mind... I can't see the difference. But last night, my mother told me it's substantial. I'm just.. so afraid. And after doing this on and off for so long, I think I'm ready to admit that I'm afraid. I'm just not sure how to bring it up, or if I'm ready. And that's what I want help with. Bringing it up. Because it's been bugging me. I've been honest with him about everything except this.

It has been 30 minutes since I typed this. Strange how I can be so open here about everything but this. I guess the fear exists even /here/. The doubt that I have a problem exists even /here/. And the fear of getting better does, too. Finally braving the post button.

[Anika.]

Well ...with ed's do we ever feel really ready? I tjink most of us wait for that but it often doesn't come. We often waffle on that point.

Sometimes you just have to leap. I can tell you that after struggeling with anorexia for most of my life and then finally getting healthy, I have done unrepairable damage to my body. You don't want to deal with that.

The fear of getting better, is a very common fear in ed. I mean yoy know this, rely on this, and use this for so long... how do you live without it. But you have to realize that is a similar statement an addict would make. It's not sound. How could I not live with something that is essentiallly killing me? Asked myself that many times without realizing what a strange idea that was.

But I understand and you are far far from alone in this thinking.

I tried many things, didn't make to much improvement until I started yoga. I didn't feel ready, was not considering getting better right then either. Something weird happened tho and I started to notice and appreciate my bodies strength and form.. it became beautiful and something to nourish. Yoga is used for treatmemt with high success in ed's, I didn't know that at the time. So there is one option. Many ed treatment centers use yoga in their treatment.

The part about not being sure if you want to get well, seems you cannot wait on that. Your dr has no readon to not believe you or take you seriously, hopefully you have a good dr. They should and likely do realize that ed's fit not stereotypical image. I mean you don't have to be emancepated to be malnourished, overweight people can also be malnourished. I cannot tell by looking at someone wether they purge etc. We have been fed an image of what ed looks like, and that is such a problem.

The doubt of having a problem, well for me that was fear based denial. I mean if I don't admit or acknowlege it, I don't have to work with it. There is sometimes such a sense of pay off with some ed's, sometimes it feels like a realtionship.... but that is somethimg to overcome, it's an abusive relationship at best.

[ar2004]

I am in the same place of denying I have an ED one minute and knowing I have a problem the next. It is not easy to admit to having an ED. My T and I talked about that yesterday. I am not anorexic-yet; but I am close which scares me. Even harder is I still want to lose weight. After reading your story, I was wondering if you have a therapist to talk about it with? I am with you that it is much easier to talk and open up on this forum but I have found it very helpful to have an actual person to talk to also who won't judge me and whom I can trust. I hope you will consider finding a therapist. My T doesn't specialize in treating ED's but knows enough about them that I feel she can help me.

You are definitely not alone.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Have you considered talking to a therapist? Then, you could explore the parts of you that want help vs the parts that don't, and why. As you work through that, you could also work on the behaviors. I would caution, though, to find a therapist that specializes in ED's. Others just don't get it, and if you don't fit the clinical symptoms for a diagnosis, they're less inclined to consider it a problem even when it really is.

I've bounced back and forth between restricting and binge eating most of my life. In high school and college, I severely restricted, but never got to an unhealthy weight, because I didn't want anyone to know what was going on. After college, I started binge eating and at first, it was okay because it just brought me up to a more normal weight. Then, I started getting heavier, so I'd bounce back and forth between restricting and binge eating. I'm almost 40 now and still struggling with it. I'm just slightly overweight right now, so most doctors and therapists would not consider that I have a problem, but I recognize that I do. The therapist that I see now sees a lot of ED clients and it's one of her specialties. I've been seeing her for 4 years, and we've talked about my history of restricting, but it's only now that I've felt safe enough with her to talk about the rest - the binge eating, the bouncing back and forth, the general pattern of disordered eating. My therapist is taking me seriously, she's said she's concerned, and we're talking about it. There's not much a medical doctor could do for me except tell me to lose weight and offer diet and exercise tips, and that would probably just throw me in to another round of restricting. I know all that stuff...for me, it's the mental side that needs work, the need to do these behaviors. That's where the therapist comes in. She doesn't judge me, helps me work through things, and understands when I tell her that part of me wants help and part of me doesn't. She also gets it when I tell her that I can't even decide if I really have a problem or not (she's told me that what I've shared with her so far concerns her, so maybe it's worth working on).

[bronzeowl]

Everything I've read in your replies makes sense to me. I was nodding along. And that kind of scares me further. But maybe the fear isn't bad, because maybe (maybe) it's what I need to be pushed in the right direction.

I think you're right.. We almost never feel 'ready'. With everything else.. depression, self harm, even the extremely euphoria.. I reached a point where I was just ready to reach out. With this, though, it's taken longer. Even sitting here, talking about it I'm wondering if I should just shut up and back out.

I have been trying yoga. To help with my depressive episodes. I've seen it have good results there, I don't think it's helped me much with this problem. I'm not even sure what to call it at this point..

But logically, I know that EDs don't really have a look. There's just a part of me that's reasoning my not telling by saying they won't believe me, anyway. Or maybe that parts of me wants them not to believe me. The image we've been fed is a problem, though. It really, really is.

But yes. That's exactly where I am. One minute, I'm in denial. I believe I'm perfectly fine. The next, I'm lying in bed, unable to get comfortable, barely able to move, and I know something is wrong. I have a T. I'm been speaking to him about my social anxiety and my mood disorder. My next appointment to see him is the 31st. I feel he might notice as the signs are really beginning to show now. The outward ones, not just the inner ones. And I'm a little scared that he might. Then again, I also admitted to lack of sleep and loss of appetite, so I don't know.

The problem with finding a specific one is that I don't have the money to shop around. THe one I'm seeing now, I'm only in there on state appointed insurance. For the medication, I don't have insurance and had to bust my butt off this past week for people just to earn the money. I, also, hard to part with my Psychology book I planned on saving. But maybe I'll be brave enough to bring it up to him. I've bounced back and forth, too. Restricting more often than binge eating. The latter only occurred when I was grieving so badly I just.. didn't know what to do with myself.

Right now, I'm at a point where I'd like to tell him (my T), but at the same time, I know that tomorrow I might decide not to. Has anyone ever tried writing it (or anything like it) down and handing it to their T? Maybe that would be less stressful for me.

ETA: I had this half typed up earlier. Then I took my meds.. and it made me tired. So, if any of it seems to jump from one thought to another. That's why. I fell asleep half way through writing it.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Right now, I'm at a point where I'd like to tell him (my T), but at the same time, I know that tomorrow I might decide not to. Has anyone ever tried writing it (or anything like it) down and handing it to their T? Maybe that would be less stressful for me.

Every time I've brought up my eating issues, it's started with an email to T. First, it was a very long, detailed email about my history of restricting. This time, it was a short email telling T that I'd noticed some patterns and wanted to talk about them, and asked her to help me bring it up. That's when I finally talked about the binge eating.

I write stuff down for my T often...it's easier for me to start a conversation that way. Sometimes, I send her emails, sometimes I just write it in my journal and then read her parts of the entry. My T prefers that I read to her rather than having her read it herself, but I expect she'd be willing to read something herself if I was struggling too much.

[bronzeowl]

I'm not sure about the reading. I might be able to do it, depending. I'd have to start out slow, I think. Written or not. But it's comforting to hear that it helped get it out there for you. I've been thinking about doing it that way for a while. I don't know if I could just blurt it out..

[ar2004]

bronzeowl - I would be so much more comfortable just handing my T some notes and not having to say things out loud, especially when it comes to talking about my eating. But I know it doesn't really work this way. However, I think if I were really struggling to get something out, my T would let me write it down and then would help me talk about it.

[bronzeowl]

Exactly. You have to talk about it eventually. That's kind of the point and all. Writing it down, though, is a place to start.. to open the door to talk about it.

[Victoria'smom]

I write anything and everything I can to my T. I use to shove it under the doorway for her to get. We had this nice little routine where anything I wanted to say but didn't in session I'd write down throw under her door and pretend it never happened, she'd read it but pretend it never happened. I did this for a good.... 2 yrs. Recently She referred to my ED's by the names I have given them. Hearing things that are in our heads said out loud by others is hard.

If you can blurt out the "I think I have an eating disorder" sentence that would be wonderful. However, if you can scribble it on a piece of paper and ask to not talk about it at least your T knows there's an undercurrent of eating issues. My ED and SI wax and wanes with my mood. Over time as other things get addressed you'll start getting into a place that you feel the ED has to be addressed.

[bronzeowl]

I really like the idea of slipping it under his door and pretending it never happened. It sounds tempting for someone like me. Writing has always been easier for me (easier than talking), so I think in some cases (specifically this one) I could benefit from it.

I'm not sure I can blurt that sentence out. There's still a large part of me denying it, even though there's an equally large part that can see it. I think that's the part I'm afraid of. Getting to that place. Because I know that it will happen. It can't go on not being addressed. Not if I really do want to be honest and not if I really do want to get better overall. I'm not sure I could get better in one place without getting better in another.

Right now, I feel like I will bring it up. But I'm scared that tomorrow, I'll change my mind. Again.

[Victoria'smom]

Seriously practice writing Eating Disorder. Then when you get to his office write it and hand it to him.

[bronzeowl]

I will. Thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate it.

That goes to all of you, by the way.

[Grey Matter]

I am glad you posted here. It took me a bit to do the same because I also felt like it wasn't a problem, even though I have had disordered eating since I was in my early teens.

I think us, people with disordered eating, try to find ways to deny it because our brains have normalized our disordered ways of living. We try and find reasons as to why it can't be, why it is out of the question, why what we're doing is fine and healthy (like it's just coping, I use that one still). It's HARD to get out of that way of thinking. And to do it alone is even harder.

I think writing it out is a great idea. I think getting it off your chest will also help you make this something real, not something that you're just imagining. It was like that for me.

[bronzeowl]

I'm glad I did, too. Even though right now, I'm pretty sure I'm back in a denial stage. I don't know. It can be hard to tell. I'm pretty sure I've experienced it for quite some time.. but I've always reasoned it, you know? And yeah, it's pretty hard to get out of this way of thinking.

I just keep telling myself that it isn't that bad. That I'll be okay. And to some point, I believe it. Even though another part of me does not. It's this constant battle within me. And so often, I feel like I really am just imagining it. I don't know. Right now, I'm in a torn state about it. Mixed feelings about it. This part happens a lot, too.

I'm going to try my best to write it out. Thanks for the reply.

[ar2004]

I understand the mixed feelings. I go back and forth from denial to wanting help everyday and many times a day. I don't know if help will work when I still want to lose weight and am focusing all my energy on that goal.

[bronzeowl]

I totally get that. That's pretty much where I am right now.

Like I'm scared my doctor will notice the change (because according to my sister, it's been drastic), but at the same time - somewhere deep down - I'm hoping he does. If that makes any sense?

Just woke up. So, it might not.

for all of you

[sunsetsunrise]

bronzeowl, it is scary to treat an ed. I am so hoping that through the fear you can find the way to reach out and really work to deal with the ed. You deserve to be free. Even though the long and windy path to that freedom is lined with fear.

[bronzeowl]

Thank you. I'd definitely say that it's lined with fear. Especially after today. I wasn't able to bring it up. I tried so hard, but nothing came out. In fact, I wasn't able to bring much up today at all. Mostly talked about how I've been doing on the meds and how I've been doing socially. And my moods. Everything else I tried to bring up just kind of choked it's way back down my throat.

Hopefully next time. Writing had slipped my mind because of the stress of school this month. But tonight, I'm going to take a minute and write down everything that's been weighing my mind. Including this. Whether I bring it up or not is to be determined.