[Sab]

I am scared that I have an eating disorder, but at the same time I don't fit into bulimia, anorexia, or over eating. I took the EAT-26 and scored a 40(anything over 24 says it is probable that you have an ED). The thing is, I am scared to get help. I'm scared of what others will think. I am scared I will gain weight. I am already overweight.

Here is what I go through...

I over eat at times, to the point I put on around 10lbs a month. I don't eat a whole bag of chips or anything, but I eat 2 or 3 plates of food at supper, and it doesn't matter what I eat. Even when I am full I cannot stop. I feel guilty the whole time I do this.

Eventually I feel so guilty, but cannot stop, that I start taking diet pills, laxitives, or make myself throw up. It feels good so I continue to do it. As I lose weight, I start obsessing over being thin.

Eventually I start dieting. Usually starting out healthy. But when the weight doesn't come of quickly I begin to eat less, and I start taking diet pills again. I obsess about exercising but I usually only do it for a week or two, hours each night, then I just stop. This time, I have lost 21lbs in 5 weeks.

Then I realize that I am shouldn't be doing this, or my husband takes me out to dinner. Once I fall off of my strict diet... which is usually only a small supper, like fish and a veggie... then it is like I lose control. I begin eating more, and as the weight comes back I lose hope. Eventually I start over eating again.

My weight has fluctuated from 160 to 200 to 169 over the past year(there are more ups and downs, but that is the beggining, highest weight, and the weight I am now). I have went through this since I was 12. I am so scared of gaining weight, yet somehow I always end up gaining a lot. So I go from overweight to obese.

I can't find info on any ED that sounds anywhere close to what I go through. I don't think I am ready to seek help officially, but I do want to learn more about what I am going through.

Sabrina

[toneMe]

Hey, I'm no doctor or therapist, but i would personally consider your eating habbits a kind of disorder. Maybe you DON'T fall into a particular group of people, but I think it is an eating disorder "noun
: any of several psychological disorders (as anorexia nervosa or bulimia) characterized by serious disturbances of eating behavior." The way it sounds to me, you're just going through all the typical kinds of ED's. Myself, I'm a puke-er but I can understand what you're going through, in a way. I try the diet pills, I binge, I excersize like there is no tomorrow and it's hard. Just because you don't fit into some cookie cutter category (mmmm, cookies) of typical eating problems doesn't mean you don't have one. I hope you come back often... well... not because you get worse or anything, but just for the people : )

"I intend to live forever or die trying." Groucho Marx

[Rapunzel]

Sabrina,

Have you talked to a professional about what is going on with you? (1) Any time you are concerned that you might have any kind of disorder, it is causing you distress, or it is interfering with your ability tolive your life, it is appropriate to seek help, regardless of whether you feel that you officially meet the criteria for anything. (2) Why not let someone qualified decide whether you have a disorder and what it is? (3) Not to try to take the place of professional diagnosis, but what you are describing sounds like it does meet the criteria for one or more eating disorders. Binge Eating Disorder is not included in the DSM yet, but the proposed criteria are earing an amount of food within a discrete period of time that is considerably more than what would be appropriate and expected, a sense of loss of control, and marked distress (I'm paraphrasing as well as I can remember, so this isn't the exact wording but close). The criteria for Bulimia Nervosa (also paraphrasing as well as I can) are eating an amount definitely larger than what would be appropriate and expected, sense of loss of control, purging (which may be vomiting, use of laxatives or something else to speed the process along, excessive exercise, and/or fasting, etc.), the binge & purge behaviors occur on average at least twice a week, and sense of self is tied to weight/body image. Maybe your binge/purge cycles are longer than what is typical, but what you are describing sounds like that cycle to me.

Getting help is not going to make you gain weight, especially when you are not underweight so weight gain isn't going to be a treatment goal. In fact, it will probably help you to have more control over your eating habits, and hopefully be able to stop the fluctuation and maintain your target weight. Besides that, this is obviously bothering you, and you deserve to feel better than that. Nobody needs to know, apart from the person who treats your eating disorder, who will understand it and not think bad of you. People are more and more sympathetic about eating disorders these days, and you will probably find that they will support you and mostly be pretty understanding.

You can start by talking to your doctor about it, or you can go to a nutritionist with experience treating eating disorders, or a psychologist or other therapist. I hope you will let us know how you are doing!

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}},
Wendy

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>

[inkblot]

Hi! You should look into some counseling. It sounds like your habits are interfering with your life and emotions. I'll say probably health, too. With the therapist's help you should understand better what you are going through and why. There are a lot of resources on the internet for to read as well. Do a search on Google and also here at this site--just click "resource directory" at the menu above. There is some great info! There are several of us here who have an idea what you are going through. I can relate, too. I've made a lot of posts recently. I do a lot of searches as well to keep myself better educated about my problems. Keep on posting--we are listening, and we care! {{{{{{{{{Sabrina}}}}}}}}}

[Sab]

Thanks everyone for answering. I already see a pdoc, but some things are hard to bring up. Sometimes I wonder if I "want" or "need" to be broken, if that makes sense. I mean how can someone have as many mental problems as me and still function. In fact I think I function really well. I've been doing this since 12, and sometimes I think I want to have an ED. I know off the wall crazy crap. My symptoms are real, but one of the reasons I don't want help is because I have a feeling I will feed off of it. Yeah I know I am backwards, seeking help is suppose to help you learn new habits and cope with things you can't seem to control, but... I have no clue what I am trying to say. All I know is that I am about to fall asleep. Usually I can't sleep. Anyway, today not only did I eat pizza, I ate WAY too much. So now I feel horrible about that. I hate to see the scale more the wrong way. Anyway, again thanks for the help... and sorry if I am not making sense.

*going to bed*

Sabrina

[Rapunzel]

It is hard to bring up. You're not the only one here with that struggle. Actually, not wanting to tell anyone seems to go along with eating disorders, doesn't it? As well as doing stuff that you know is not good for you. Something about it seems to have to do with being self-destructive, which is probably what attracts me about eating disorders. I don't have one, but I want to weigh less than 95 pounds (which still wouldn't make me anorexic - I'd have to be like 83 pounds to be anorexic, since I'm short). I'm just plain generally self-destructive. Was trying to cut back on all the choclate I eat, but gave in last night to some. Didn't eat anything else yesterday though, except for some peanuts. Haven't eaten today either, except I allowed myself 2 squares of chocolate just now after I just hauled a ton of hay. And didn't use gloves, which is one more of my usual self-destructive habits. I do all these little things that don't seem like a very big deal, and I did mention them to my T, and he doesn't get very concerned about it. Maybe because he doesn't want to encourage it. I'm a self-injurer too. And I generally function pretty well for all the mental problems that I've had since childhood too.

So, I understand where you're coming from. Please try to tell your pdoc about all of your symptoms so that he can help you. I hope you will let us know how you're doing.

Wendy

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>

[inkblot]

Sab, I like to think that I'm doing pretty well overall, too. I know what you mean here, you seem to make sense to me. I don't like to tell my therapist things either. Or I might only go so far and not tell the rest. I know I need to improve on that, and I have. I know what you mean about feeding off it, too. I tend to do a lot of searches on my problems, learn and be educated about them. But, sometimes I find it hard not to used that information the wrong way if I'm going through some problems. It's good that you got something for rest--eating may have helped that!

[Sab]

Hey, we sound a lot alike. I am a self destructive too, but refused to tell my doctor. I once overheard a doctor say that "we" do it for attention, which isn't true. If we did we would want the world to know, right? Anyway, I love my pdoc, she is wonderful, but she is too wonderful. I feel too comfortable to share certain things... again probably not making sense. Anyway, the only person I am around all day is my 2 year old and my hubby when he gets home. He knows what I do, but he doesn't stop me. He does however tell me that he loves me the way I am and that I am so beautiful.... yep even when I was at 200lbs. :O He likes me no matter what. And at times I like me too, then I start obsessing over how much better... it's crazy. Hopefully I am making sense... I know I keep saying that, but when I tell what is on my mind people tend not to understand, lol. Anyway, thanks for all the help and support.

Sabrina

[Sab]

Exactly what I do. It is like I have these problems, which are real, but when I research them, I tend to mold myself into it, ya know? Glad I am not alone, but I am not sure that is a good thing, lol. Thanks for the support.

Sabrina

[Rapunzel]

You make sense to me. It sounds like we do have a lot in common.

A lot of people tend to think that self-destructiveness is done for attention, but you're right. That can't be the only reason anyway, since most of the time the self-destructiveness is kept secret as much as possible. Still, one of my missions in life seems to be to point out that attention is a legitimate need, and there isn't anything wrong with needing it.

It sounds like you have a good pdoc (and I hope that you will tell her more about your concerns so that she can help you), and also a good husband, who loves you without making your behavior a condition for approval. Would you like him to try to stop you from binging? I don't know if he could, and he probably doesn't know either, but if you would like him to intervene you might talk to him about trying to remind you that you don't really want to eat that much at one time. Liking yourself, at least some of the time, is a good start towards getting better. So is having a couple of good support people.

Wendy

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>