Disgusting

I don't want to be fat anymore.
I hate every single inch of my body.
I just purged because I ate a pop-tart.
A %#@&#! pop-tart.

"%#@&#! pop-tart"...does that mean that you can't believe you purged over a pop-tart...or that you actually ate something?

Hi itspeaks,

I’m sorry you’re feeling disgusting. I’m right there with you though. I’ve been in a pretty good recovery pattern and broke it today by purging a veggie burrito... a tortilla with vegetables in it! Like you said (A %#@&#! pop-tart.) This disease is so loud and so critical but when I look deep down I always find that it has nothing to do with the food.

For me, I struggle with wanting to be clean inside (because of abuse issues.) I wonder if you ever feel the same way. I’ve always looked at it like: Me Being Fat = Me Being Dirty & Rejected. So the less I put in my body the cleaner and more accepted I will be. After digging this issue out through long therapy sessions I’ve been more able to deal with the anxiety around it all... but I still have my slips, like today.

I just hope you’re getting the professional help you need and deserve. You’re in my thoughts.

Hugs. ~ Bee

what exactly do you mean by "purged" ?

YOU are not disgusting.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ladymacabethadmunsen said:
what exactly do you mean by "purged" ?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi ladymacabethadmunsen,

Purging can consist of a few different things but it all comes down to "getting rid of" whatever food you've eaten. I took a guess and assumed that itspeaks was talking about throwing up (self induced vomiting.) That's what I was referring to in my previous post... I know, it's gross.

~ Bee

Wow, I know EXACTLY how you feel.

I know how you feel ((((((itspeaks)))))))

i do understand how you feel, i spent yesterday b/p and woke up this morning feeling terrible.
all you can do is start over today and try your best dont set yourself huge goals just tiny steps at a time.

I have such s hard time with eating. I agree with the lady that said being empty is being "Clean and full of food dirty" Anyway, it isn't easy at all for me. I am so sad about food issues. I am very hard on myself.

I am glad we have eachother. I am supportive of people with E.D. and people with a great deal of obesity. I really understand since I am both. I give huggs to them and understand.

I take so many cyanne pepper capspules after I eat a no no. It helps me not to throw up and helps digest the meal and cleans me without really doing a purge. It helps food digest and makes me sit with it alittle better. Darn it there is nothing we can really do to get over this illness. Love, Robin

I haven't really purged since this post (I did maybe 2 or 3 times, but nothing in months), but I haven't really been eating much. I've been having around 400-500 calories a day... I know, it's not better, but it makes me feel better. I don't really know what to do anymore. I just feel so disgusting, ugly, fat, stupid, and everything else. I don't know how to make myself feel better. Nothing makes me feel better. I tried to kill myself on Saturday.

itspeaks...

take 30minutes / an hour out of your day and do somehting for you in that time, something that makes u happy or that u find relaxing ie. bubble bath, cup of tea in the sunshine, dye hair etc.

Not purging in months is an amazing achievement and something to be really proud of (wish i could do it...) If youre eating 400-500 cals a day dont u get hungry or feel the need to binge? If u do, what do u do instead?

Lastly but not least, have you had any professional help like an eating disorders practitioner or e.d. treatment centre? i find they really help with depression issues too.

Dont give up.. please. there is light at the end of the tunnel. Eating disorders are the only mental illness that is proven that people can definately recover from with no lasting mental effects. theres lots of hope, keep battling on, you can do it

x
x

Nobody knows about my eating disorder except for a few friends. I think my mom is starting to notice and has been on my back a lot about eating. I know this post is really old but I felt like I needed to respond. Everything is just getting worse. It seems like the more weight I lose, the more I hate myself. I am on a few new meds and one of them kind of works to make me feel less anxious and self conscious but I still feel like never eating a thing. I'm starting counseling on Wednesday and I am scared. I don't want my family or doctors to find out about my eating disorder because I am afraid they would make me stop and I am still a fat *** and I can't stop right now as much as I would like to feel good about myself, if that makes sense.

i feel so much for you guys...
especially itspeaks and beelieving

itspeaks- i have/and still deal with those self-punishing actions of denying yourself food, and FURTHER punishing yourself if you 'give-in'. there is nothing i can say to change your brain but that i understand and that though i do not know you, i CARE and i WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY.

beelieving- i have dealt for years with ed issues tightly wound up with ocd tendencies regarding cleanliness and an empty, clean body. whatever it took- purging, laxatives, colonics... i became obsessed with the idea that if my insides were pure and clean, i would be less disgusting- less filthy- and more pure. so girl, i feel you too!

isnt it strange that in our brains we each think that we are so alone in our wierdness? and here we are, post after post- repeating the same thing... "I UNDERSTAND. I FEEL THAT WAY TOO. WE WILL BE OKAY. BE STRONG."