[LucyD]

Feeling not so good, I belong to several facebook groups and getting reactions I didn't expect about myself. Think I'm going to take a break from the groups for awhile. I'm too f****d up now.

[Blueberrybook]

I a horrible day. Can't stop crying. OMG, I just want this day over. No exercise because it was raining this morning. My stomach is in a zillion knots. I don't think I can cook much less eat dinner. Ugh.

Truly, I am now at the point where I feel like God hates me.

bad day all round

1 KG bag of candy I got yesterday almost gone,

24 bottles of doctor pepper I got yesterday... almost gone

and I've not eaten dinner yet

[Blueberrybook]

Talked to pdoc yesterday. Thank God he has a cellphone for urgent matters you can call outside of office hours. He told me to up my Wellbutrin, see how I am doing my next appt. (Thursday, I think).

Did some jogging today. Not as much as I wanted (I guess a good thing?) because it was raining here, and then just started pouring. You can bet I was in a full sprint the last 1/4 mile home.

Not bad with eating today. Not super excellent, but I've had worse days. I keep weighing out the options of calling for a nutritionist appt. next week, but I'd want it to be somebody familiar with EDs. Maybe ask my PCP's PA? I'm not really sure who to get the referral from. I suppose I could ask the pdoc, but EDs are not his area of expertise at all. Maybe he could point me to someone who would know.

[eskielover]

Prozac & Wellbutrin killed my appetite the first time I ended up with really bad anorexia. Stress started it but those meds were the final straw.....just something to make sure is not the case with you Cin

[katydid777]

Yesterday I ate 2 pieces of pizza, and a couple of those fun size milky ways. So far this morning I have had some juice.

[Blueberrybook]

I am having horrible issues of late, unrelated to ED stuff except for the fact that I can hardly go jogging because it keeps raining and raining.

I may or may not have posted about being given a ride to the psych ER last week. If it's not here, it's somewhere in the bipolar section.

Anyway, that has now opened up a CPS case. OMG. I never would mistreat my daughter. I don't have plans to kill myself or overdose or anything to that effect. My daughter is perfectly healthy and fine. I guess at least the CPS worker saw that as at least she didn't remove my daughter from the home. But now I've got to do a psychological assessment for them, God knows what else. Maybe a drug test, but a lot of the meds I take warn they could trigger false positive on drug tests, so that's just great. And I can't just suddenly stop my psych meds.

I am under so much stress and so anxious. My mom was on the phone blaming me for the situation, which honestly, did not help me one iota.

You try to settle down, think "OK, I've got this." I think I posted not long ago about wanting to try a nutritionist or dietician again; if not here than in the bipolar section somewhere. I tent to post more in the bipolar area, it being much more active.

Foodwise, OK today even if lunch was hard because of so much anxiety. Maybe I'll try lying in the bath with lavendar oil or something and then drinking chamomile tea, see if it calms my nerves any. It has been really, really hard not being able to run much at all lately. Stupid rain.

[katydid777]

I have been bad today. All I have eaten was two pieces of toast, an some yogert this morning.

[LucyD]

Struggling again with the OCD a lot. I feel so embarrassed when it comes on when I am visiting with people. I know no one understands this. I don't know what's making it happen a lot. I think it could be the Lexapro. I tend to beat myself up as if it is something I do intentionally when it's not.

[Blue_Bird]

I've been stress eating. At least I think that's what it is. The fall semester just started so that could be it. Going overboard with the treats. I am trying to slow it back down though. I have mint gum and herbal teas, those may be helpful. They were in the past. Stopping impulse shopping

[Blueberrybook]

Just a heads up I changed my user name from cln1812 to Blueberrybook.

On the positive, I didn't exercise today. On the negative, I've been so worried with this CPS investigation thing I can't get out of my mind, I've hardly eaten much of anything today. I can't find myself relax from it longer than a couple of minutes. I can't concentrate to read a book, watch TV, much of anything.

another terrible day with eating.

not getting easier!

[katydid777]

So far today, I am doing ok. I have had my Mt. Dew, and four breakfast bars.

[LucyD]

Got drunk yesterday to deal with the stress; not a good thing and feel crappy today. I need to start gentle exercises soon. I can't do much. I am still very out of shape. I feel too out of it to do anything today. Hopefully I'll walk the dog. "Mama said there'll be days like this.."

eating too much candy

again

2 35 PM and I have got through like.... loads

to actually write here how many bags I've eaten between 9 and 2 30 is embarrassing

[Blue_Bird]

I had a bad day yesterday, kind of went backwards in progress...but I'm moving forward today

[Blueberrybook]

I have been doing decently today. I ran around 1/2 of my usual route. I had a Starbucks turkey ham sandwich along with a caramel mocha frappauccino (non fat milk but kept the whipped cream on top). I am fixing to have lunch now.

I am really needing to gain weight; it is even starting to concern me a little, which is weird. It's like anorexia wants me to get to a certain low weight and then just stop losing weight and maintain. I have never had that happen before, not even the last time I relapsed (around 2015). Usually I just want to keep losing and losing and losing. So it's kind of weird.

[LucyD]

Having a blah day. It was overcast and my SAD appeared again. Oh well.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I have been doing decently today. I ran around 1/2 of my usual route. I had a Starbucks turkey ham sandwich along with a caramel mocha frappauccino (non fat milk but kept the whipped cream on top). I am fixing to have lunch now.

I am really needing to gain weight; it is even starting to concern me a little, which is weird. It's like anorexia wants me to get to a certain low weight and then just stop losing weight and maintain. I have never had that happen before, not even the last time I relapsed (around 2015). Usually I just want to keep losing and losing and losing. So it's kind of weird.

That first meal sounds yummy! I had pizza today and last night and tried to eat less of it than I usually do. I don't want to deprive myself totally any more.

[LucyD]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I had a bad day yesterday, kind of went backwards in progress...but I'm moving forward today

I go back and forth with progress, too. I think it's par for the course.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by LucyD

I go back and forth with progress, too. I think it's par for the course.

Me too.

Today I ran less though, the amount a normal person would run for exercise. I promised H. He said I am getting too thin, and he is worried about me. H told me he would try to help, but H doesn't get mental illness. My last relapse was in 2015; that was the worst relapse though this one is getting close to it. Neither relapse was close to my worst low weight in college.

But even I am starting to worry about me. I just want the stupid CPS closed. Most of the time I can't get my mind off it, I get anxious and just don't feel like eating. It's not even an ED thing.

I've already gone past where I wanted to keep maintaining. I know the key to gaining is to stop running so much and eat more. It is hard when you know what to do intellectually, but ED voices keep talking. Right now, not so much about eating versus not eating, but about running versus not running. Running is my escape and coping mechanism, and yes, old ED voices got happy at my initial weight loss after perforated ulcer surgery (though I wouldn't wish that on anyone, I never felt so much pain in my life, morphine didn't touch it, I hallucinated off & on for 2 days, hopefully from the pain & medication and not the bipolar. Hallucinating has never been a part of my bipolar, though I am beginning to wonder if auditory hallucinations are starting up or if it's just bad hearing, that's more for the bipolar forum though.

Didn't eat breakfast, but I will have lunch once I get my daughter going. Already tried to wake her up, and she is out, rubs her eyes and goes back to sleep. She doesn't always sleep well (I hope she is not taking that after me), but she is more of a night person while I am a morning person or an anytime person when I'm manic.

I need to do better foodwise, drink protein shakes after running, even a glass of milk or something, but I just never do. I even bought the protein shake powder, so I have it; there really is not any excuse not to use it. But then the ED part of me worries what if I gain weight and gain weight and can't stop gaining. My mom & are her relatives (except for my grandfather, now deceased) are all very overweight. I'm worried about one of my sisters too as she is overweight. Though I do think she was trying to lose weight by walking in the morning and then got an ACL tear. Plus, her job lets her completely telecommute, so she's always working from home. But I worry I will get obese like that even though I am 40 years old and have never been morbidly obese. Maybe in high school I could have lost about 5 lb., and I never exercised once I was done with the mandatory 2 years of PE credits, and I wasn't horribly overweight even then. So I don't know why I worry about getting so fat I can't control it. That's the main thing, I guess. I just want to be able to control my weight exactly 100%, which would mean gaining some, and to me that is just scary.

It's crazy, wanting 2 opposite things at once.

my teeth are hurting me today a bit- still it is not stopping me and overeating.

so far today I have had 8 slices of toast, 3 bags of candy, and some cookies.. it's not even midday

[Blueberrybook]

Didn’t exercise today. ED is hating me, making me feel like I will wake up tomorrow morning morbidly obese...EDs suck so much! They are relentless. Even weight restored those stupid thoughts just don’t stop.

Today was hard.

[LucyD]

Feeling tired today but functioning. I had a cheat weekend on my diabetic diet and my glucose number was still okay today. Decided that there is no easy way to lose all the weight on me at once so I have to be patient with myself and go at my own pace. I LOVE food and have used it for comfort for a long time. Today did better on my diabetic diet. No comfort food left, that's why..lol.

[Blue_Bird]

I'm doing okay, trying to get back on track. The last time I purged was 2 days ago. Wanting/hoping to be done with it forever.

I really want to lower my cholesterol