[Anrea]

Day 9 complete. Stayed under the healthy calorie goal this week. Yesterday I got sad news, and before I could get sad about it, i knew I needed treat food. so I grabbed a half bag of Doritos and ate them About 750 calories. But the rest of the day had been low cal, so I was okay. I didn't purge, and didn't keep eating after the chips. (thought about it and even checked calories on a box of M&M's but didn't do it. Feeling really good about healing. Believing in myself. Although, getting too relaxed about thinking I was 'over it' is what contributed to my last binge I think I miss the rest of you. I hope what I write isn't causing anybody stress. I check here daily to see if anyone has updated. Hope to see you soon.

[MuddyBoots]

I've been doing pretty good lately. Not much to report other than I made it the whole week without purging. I've been overeating but I've realized that's because of my meds and that situation will be fixed over the coming weeks so hopefully with the ability to feel full coming back I'll be able to make healthier choices.

another tough week for my food intake

I can honestly say that out of all my meals I have had this week, the only one I have enjoyed is my mcdonalds

so what's changed.. I just return to the snacks that don't fill me up anyway

filling me up is like trying to fill a fuel tank with a leak.. just doesn't work

[Anrea]

Day 12 complete with no binging or purging. I'm staying within a healthy caloric limit, but I still am eating so often and so much. But it's vegetables, so I've been giving myself a pass. However, I'm still not eating mindfully often enough. I still eat too fast. I still eat when I'm not hungry, like a salad or broccoli with soy sauce. I still think about food WAY too much. I still keep thinking about my weight, even though that should be the least important. I have got to get over these disorders. As long as I don't binge, I won't purge. So my focus is on the binge part. It is getting easier to not binge, and that is huge. I'm trying to keep positive, but I gained 3 pounds overnight, even though i had less than 1200 calories. My lifestyle and age just work against me. I have to keep eating smart, and getting over these bad habits.

[Anrea]

Day 15 complete. No binging or purging. I'd been following the "eat healthy, within limits, avoid restrict thoughts" plan. But the last 4 days something weird happened. I stopped being hungry. Period. So I haven't been eating much at all. Less then 400 calories a day. On one hand, I'm really worried about causing a trigger to binge. But I never had restriction as part of my Binge/purge cycle. But this new thing I feel - I want to cling to it, to lose weight, because I'm afraid if I make myself eat, I won't feel like this again. I wish I knew if this was also part of ED. Just manifesting itself in a new way. If anybody has experience with trying to overcome B/P - let me know your steps. Or what you think about this new, not eating thing. I feel guilty about wanting to eat. And that is weird too. I never felt guilty before. I don't understand, but I am under the belief that I can control my binge urge if one comes... am I playing with fire?

I have had mcdonalds twice this week, and both times one after the other

doesn't look good, I know- especially with the fact that yesterday I just ordered an entire 6 bags of candy

I am not having mcdonalds tonight.
I'm having ribbs- but because it's my cooking, I have candy on standby

[Anrea]

After 4 days of good discipline, I ate a little too much the night before last. I didn't purge though. It was only a little what I want to eat per day, but less then the daily calorie requirement. I ate little yesterday. Today I want to keep eating, but I am trying to make good choices. (Candy and chips are calling). :/ 16 days completed without Binge/Purge.

bad dinner, bad breakfast (didn't even eat the entire 2 sausage rolls)

quite a bit of chocolate

[Mountaindewed]

I've been doing well. I'm seeing progress now that I have a therapist that understands its ok to be at a smaller size and weight and still lose weight and be healthy. Before I didn't feel safe opening up to a therapist because I was always threatened with IP and with transferring to an ED therapist when I talked about wanting to lose weight. But yeah things have gone well and I'm not scared to eat more somedays or to eat outside of my safe foods anymore and all that is just helping me make more progress with my goals.

[Anrea]

Day 20 of no B/P. Still eating more than my hunger asks for - but veggies and low cal things so staying under a daily calorie limit all days except 1. Still disappointed in my heavier weight, but trying not to let that trigger me. Losing weight very slowly. Trying to keep focused that it is more important not to B/P than weight.

[MuddyBoots]

I'm not intentionally restricting, but I'm not eating because of racing thoughts and hyperfocus and I'm not doing the things I would normally do to combat that (set alarms, make lunch dates, etc.)

I went hungry again last night.

I had chicken wings, but it wasn't enough at all- and it was too spicy (they were horrible!)

I even gave up after a few bags of candy because their was no way that I was going to make it work- go to bed with a full stomach I mean. really depresses me, and hurts my stomach.

today all I had so far was apple, but it was cold and hard, and I didn't like it at all..

it's now been 3 nights since I have eaten decently

[Anrea]

Day 23 with no binge/purge. Most days I eat hundreds of calories less then maintenance. I feel guilty if I eat that many calories and think to take a lax because of fear of weight gain. These thoughts are newly developed after I stopped B/P. I'm wondering if it's just the ED manifesting itself in a new way. But if I even think about eating the whole amount of daily allowed calories I get worried.

really struggling with not feeling full

my mcdonalds yesterday was nice, but it ends their sadly. not a great week for good food

[Anrea]

Back to Day 1 of no B/P. In this case, I shouldn't have purged. The amount I ate was within a healthy caloric limit, but I'd eaten so fast, it triggered that certain 'fullness perfect for purging' feeling. Plus, I'm becoming overly focused on losing weight rather than focused on recovery. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

[Anrea]

Well, made it 2 days, now I'm back to day 1 again tomorrow. I had gone 32 days without, then 26 days without, then only 3. It was like all the progress meant nothing. I had binge food, and just went after it. Purged twice. Just like old times. I think if I wasn't so focused on weight, I would have not purged - just did the overeat. I feel like I slid back down a slope I'd been climbing. I was so certain I was getting better. Well, maybe I am. Maybe some slipping up is a normal part of the process for healing from an ED. What a waste though. Purged twice. Crackers, then a candy bar. Sigh. I wonder how I go forward from here. I know if I was eating my daily calorie limit I would be doing better, but most days I am eating about half that. I'm more obsessed with weight then with overcoming my ED! I don't know how to right this see saw. I am unbalanced.

[Anrea]

Day 11. Doing well. A binge urge due to the trigger hunger. So I ate a bigger lunch. Large soup, half sandwich, cookie. Still want to grab a bag of chips and mow them down, but I'm waiting for the food to begin digesting so I don't feel full. If I do eat something else, I will make it a small thing. Otherwise, I will wait and possibly eat a small meal at dinner. As long as I don't give into the binge. I have a new purge rule too, I can't purge unless I eat over X amount of calories. I won't eat that much, so I'm safe. As long as I don't have a huge, bad food, carbs, chips and cookies binge.

I have had takeout for 2 nights in a row, (friday and yesterday), so really need to try and eat better today. I think I have roast lamb on the menu

[MuddyBoots]

I purged yesterday and today again after a few weeks of refraining from doing so. I stepped on the scale and was very unhappy with the results. Olanzapine is NOT A weight friendly med by a long shot.

[Mountaindewed]

I hope my therapist like just wont notice the difference from last week? Because its sort of a lot for one week. I don't really know how its happening. It doesnt really seem to be on purpose. Like I am not even really restricting. It seems to be more that I have been grazing and snacking and on healthy stuff instead of eating actual meals lately. I'll be honest with her if she asks though. My mom says I'm not eating enough.

Tonight though sucked partially due to restriction and partially due to laziness. I had a small bag of cheetos and a string cheese for dinner.

[Deilla]

I've been eating for comfort.

[Anrea]

I B/P again yesterday after 13 days of not. This manifestation into high restricting is triggering binges I think. I feel guilty if I eat over a certain amount of calories, and that is just wrong. It's a poor mind set when I should be caring most about overcoming B/P and not worrying about weight. I should be happy with the slow and healthy success I was having, instead of this fast tracking attempt. Back to day 1.


THANK YOU ALL FOR COMMENTING AND SHARING YOUR PERSONAL JOURNEY. EVEN THOUGH OUR ED'S MIGHT DIFFER, i STILL FEEL LIKE WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER WHEN WE ALL POST. <3 <3 <3

[Mountaindewed]

She said it seemed like a lot to lose in one week, but what I am eating is actually pretty healthy. We also talked about my anxiety and how its rough for me to eat when I am anxious. I do not sleep well or eat much when I am anxious. But she didn't seem to think it was a big issue. My mom says I am not eating enough though Tonight I am not feeling the greatest physically and I am also anxious. I had a few small things this afternoon for an early dinner. But mostly it was just a decent snack not really a dinner. At least I ate unlike last night.