[Blueberrybook]

I'm sorry it's still an uphill battle for you @Autumn88. It is good you are taking positive steps though.

I have guilt too when eating, some days more than others, sometimes not much at all.

These past 2 days I have been good to my body though and have not gone jogging but done 2 gentle pilates videos which are much shorter time than jogging and tons easier on my body though I burn way less calories with pilates. I do love the way I feel after pilates especially since the videos I do have stretching at the end.

Every day I am able to do pilates instead of jogging is something of a victory for me. I suppose we just have to take the small wins even when they make us feel guilty, lazy, afraid we'll suddenly wake up fat.

[Autumn88]

Hello @ Blueberrybook...

It is so pleasing to hear you have been able to enjoy your pilates rather than force yourself to jog heavily everyday.

I'm sure your body thanks you.

I need to stretch more myself.

Ironic how when I was young how active I was a dancer, now, due to fatigue and chronic pain, can barely walk around the block.

I am still struggling with " making the recovery choice" every single day.

My...well, I guess the guy I am back in a relationship with, keeps making me food.

Complimenting me, which I can't stand, as I have mentioned.

Too be fair, I have put him through h*** with years of his knowing me getting so sick.

So now, he calls me," Did you eat today?"

Never lie, but what I consider " enough" he ( abd likely my IP tx team would agree) he disputes...and I acquiesce.

I can't bring myself to waste what he makes me.

This morning I find my head fighting against me like mad.

I was honestly not hungry when I woke up x hours ago, yet, part of my mind eas urging me to eat-I shamefully listened to the ED.

I am putting it off.

I am scared right now.
To eat.

I remain ill at ease in this strange body.

And there are far more important things I ought to be worrying about than my weight.

I'm so tired.

Physically, mentally, emotionally...

I feel distant from myself somehow, having invested an entire identity in anorexia.

Not that I, nor anyone chooses an ED, but jt crept up on me over the years that illness was all that I was ( am?)...

I feel I must be very disturbed.

Indeed I am I guess.

I feel quite low at this hour.

I might feel better if I were to break down and noursh myself before x more hours have gone by.

But, but,but...

Why can't all I have learned about recovery be, by now, deeply ingrained in me?

Why is the ED forever tormenting me?

I am so angry at myself.

I intended upon making this begun as a good day, but didn't sleep well as usual and dontknow how I will manage to function.

He is bringing me more food today.
Good food, yet, still in my messed up head," illegal food"...

I will eventually, today, feel hunger cues, eat.

Feel a francticness, anxiety, guilt, fear, and I will end up FEELING....

There are so many facets to my ED, how to overcome them all?

I am very surprised the hospital I was IP in 3(!!!) years in a row didn't refuse me further treatment.

They would be so disappointed and probably frustrated if I ever got to the point had to go back-

I feel like this day has already been ruined.

I should go eat-

I know I ought not to blame all my fatigue on lack of sleep, on my meds, but continuing my deep seated self destructive mode-whether concious or not...not eating for x hours after I wake up, and wondering why I have zero energy.

Sorry for yet another rather uninspired post...

I just feel so afraid right now.

And trapped, simply because someone who cares about me is lovingly preparing me food...

I do t know what to next-or rather I do,I am, as usual, resisting.

Sending you all serenity, hope, and strength...

[MuddyBoots]

Just checked MyChart and my last labs had my potassium at 3.2. They never told me it was low! Drinking some strawberry liquid IV in some coconut water and it tastes (like it should have alcohol but) like I should be up at Winnepesaukee in the sun after a short but strenuous climb.

[MuddyBoots]

Blueberry you'd be proud of me. I downloaded the savings app for the closer grocery store and my two bags of groceries went from $77 to $44 (the bigger reusable bags, that chain isn't THAT bad haha) so I don't feel as motivated to walk 8 miles for a lot of things. (Also I went to the bookstore which is about 3 miles away and took the bus there and back!)

[Autumn88]

Horrible day yesterday.

Dressed in a favourite t shirt that does not hide my body, some guy on the street made yet another "She's pregnant " comment to his friends.

Verge of tears, went home, changed into something that would hide my disgusting jidy.

Weighed myself later, still a normal healthy weight, but too high for me to feel...safe.

I looked up one of my meds to see if weight gain is a common side effect and indeed it is

I figured it can't just be " recovery" abdomen.

I am frantic to get back my " perfect" flat stomach.

Yesterday last night, I was hungry so...I ate.
I was livid with myself that I was not strong enough to restrict, and I also ate a little this morning.

And...it isn't really about a war within me, or maybe...the ED is still winning.

I want to stay in my place until this horrid pregnant looking abdomen disappears.

I'm sorry.
It's just the deep shame I am feeling right now.

Didn't step on the scale when I got outta bed this morning but at the moment there is a strong g drive within me to do so.

Deeply depressed.
Sickened by this body of mine.

Anxious.

Hiding in a large shirt right now.

I feel just awful

I miss anorexia.

And...I know how sick that is.

Ugh.

So ashamed don't even want to post this.

But nobody to talk to.

Well, maybe can call the eating disorders association here.

They are always understanding and compassionate.

So...yeah.

Better do that.

Thank you for listening everyone, and sending you all much strength and serenity.

[Blueberrybook]

@Autumn88 - I'm glad your weight is safe. I'm sorry someone glad you a pregnant comment though.

[Blueberrybook]

I had a horrible stomach virus, and it's really toying with ED issues.

[Autumn88]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

@Autumn88 - I'm glad your weight is safe. I'm sorry someone glad you a pregnant comment though.

Thank you.
I'm sorry you have been unwell and that it is triggering you.

I understand.

Oh so many triggers aren't there?

[MuddyBoots]

They took out my BC today and I’m not hungry at all for once and haven’t even had lunch yet, but voracious for that starving feeling.

[Blueberrybook]

So many ED things are being triggered for me right now trying to recover from a stomach bug,

[Blueberrybook]

Because I missed all my meds & was sick so long (still nauseous, but not vomiting), my ED is just about a mess. I have lost X lb. and now have an underweight BMI.

I talked to my pdoc by phone today. He told me since I missed one dose of Cymbalta Friday morning, it caused the nausea, which caused the vomiting & diarrhea and cascade into mania & blackout pyshosis (probably my becoming psycho that point b/c then I was missing all my meds for over 3 days). He told me that will take up to 1.5 weeks for me to stabilize.

[Blueberrybook]

My BMI is now below 18 The ED voice is elated. My intelligent one is not.

[Blueberrybook]

I feel like I'm eating so much right now, and I have not had lunch yet. I'm going to start having my daily avocado again, and I hope that helps. Everything lately has toyed w/ my ED thoughts.

Grocery store substitions SUCK!

How H & my daughter (18 yr. old) don't have an active ED by now themselves is a miracle!

[Blueberrybook]

What can I eat for fast, easy yet tasty calories? I don't have any protein shakes or bars, peanut butter, nuts or anything else easy. I have already had an avocado, banana, greek yogurt along with my regular food.

[unaluna]

Bread and butter? In the early 1970's (as opposed to MY early 70's, how depressing is that?!), my then SIL used to make us bread and tub margarine slices. Thats when i started getting fat. She however was a 6 foot Darryl Hannah type with incredible genes.

[Blueberrybook]

That’s a handy one. I may even still have good wheat bread not just white Even wheat bread without no butter would be a help at this point. Probably even one slice of white without butter too would be a help.

[Autumn88]

Oh, @Blueberrybook...

I am so sorry you have been struggling and suffering.

And I so admire the tenacious fighting spirit you possess.

As for what I find easier to nourish myself with, I tend to make smoothies of oat milk and frozen fruit.

My favourite is a pineapple smoothie.

It is good, and, for me anyway, far easier than solid food.

Sometimes I add Greek yogurt, which provides a little protein, and chia seeds.

I have a very handy small blender perfect for a smoothie.

I am sorry if you feel too unwell even for a smoothie.

Just what I tend to turn to when it is very challenging to eat a meal.

Please know I sincerely care, and am worried about you.

Please take good care of you.

[Blueberrybook]

I am beyond a smoothie at the moment. Not enough ingredients too.

Ok, there is mania but even super mania with bipolar get my drift?

[Autumn88]

Oh @Blueberrybook, I am sorry for my useless suggestion.

And I do not suffer from your devastating bipolar illness, but have been close to people whom are also afflicted with this.
But I will not for a second begin to tell you I know what it is like to endure being in your shoes.

I hope soon things will stabilize for you.

You don't deserve to suffer like this.

[Blueberrybook]

EDs alone already suck enough!

Other mental health issues with an ED and you may as well die.

[Autumn88]

Me again.

I am really struggling.

Really horrible few days.

Heavy depression.
Need the catharsis of great heaving sobbing out my pain, but of course, the ED is trying to tempt with numbness, without the curse of FEELING.

I ate little yesterday, and had gone x hours with not a bite.

Late at night after taking my meds, I managed to eat a bit, I admit I felt better-

The ED totally berated me for it though.

I am now outside, escaping my horrible apartment, feeling lost abd wholly alone.

I ended up calling an eating disorders information line, even though really, they ate not a counselling service, bjt rather provide people with resources.

However, thus young woman listened compassionately, with empathy, with clearly understanding my struggle, my shame, the stress I have been under fjr a whole year now.

Told me it is natural my old coping mechanisms has obviously taken control of me.

I told her about my ambivilance, my disgusting with myself for even considering treatment again, especially because, although, yes, I stepped on the scale a little while ago, the ED praised me, was/is fiercely loud in my messed up head.

Have lost weight.
Old obsession having quickly returned, I checked my BMI.

It has dropped, but not underweight, which( sickly), still in the " atypical " category leaves me feeling invalidated.

Not worthy of treatment.
Will be mocked, told Indeed that I am nkt " sick enough"

I shared with the young woman on the phone that I am, and have been for awhile, considering partial, but...I told her I have checked out the schedule and although,( Atleast right now) I do not require intensive IP for weight restoratiion, parutal doesn't t look like quite enough support right now.

I told her, I do nkt have 35 to 80 grand for the posh residential programs here, have no private insurance, she said for one place have my doctor refer me for a provincial covered bed-well, lady I read, the waiting list for those few beds is two years long.

I told her the hospital for partial is about a 2 hour transit ride that I simply could not handle.

I know...excuses.
Always excuses.

The ED always seems the answer.

But, it triggered me to do sonething very shameful...

My boyfriend had made me all this food, put of love, concern.

And, I threw it out.
I despise myself for wasting food while millions in our world are starving to d**th...

And, he found out.
Said, You know how long it took me to make this?

I am exhausted.
Both a med hangover and logically i need to, as my GP always says," Put some fuel in the tank."

And I don't know honestly if I can-if I can surrender my strong will.

I am now so fearful of all food.

That familiar sense of complete control, the sick comfort I have while at least feeling " sick enough" physically, only drives my ED to grip it's icy talons around me, while promising it's llie that it is " All I need "...

After so many years, I realise it is a liar, that my depression is only going to get worse, my negative thought patterns already worse without fighting the ED voice.

At the same time, sickly very soothed by my restricting, my weight loss.

I am a complete disaster right now.

Next therapy session not until nearly the end of the month.

I feel so stupid, so without a healthy positive mindset, the deep black depression amplifying my low mood, and certainly, my stavred poor brain, is also amplifying this.

I have a feeling, with my lack of energy, as well ad the curse of my chronic pain, my very sedating meds, thst this will be just another unproductive day, lying around, obsessing, triggering myself.

I am empty ..my stomach, which is both comforting, and and a raging innner battle between health, and feeling better physically, and the sick comfort of my being," strong, in control, powerful."

I am losing my mind.If I haven't long since lost it already.

Perhaps on my n hospital in June ought not have freaked out and refused ECT, which there have been studies as to its potential benefits to those with A severe and enduring eating disorder "

And now, past lunchtime...and I know what I need to do.

About a week ago was just at the hospital with low bl**d sugar.

I realise the risks, how sick I got a couple years ago, and hope you all recognise the risks, at any weight. .with any ED

I will stop now,venting. Emoting far too much for any of you to believe I truly am numbed out.

So then, thank you for reading if you have.

And please, ( most hypocritically i realisei am saying this) show yourselves some compassion and self love today.

You are all so deserving of this.

[Blueberrybook]

You have included 13 images in your message. You are limited to using 12 images so please go back and correct the problem and then continue again.

Images include use of smilies, the BB code [img] tag and HTML <img> tags. The use of these is all subject to them being enabled by the administrator.

hugs autumn

[Blueberrybook]

Not a chicken recipe! NOOO!
I posted it before I deleted and edited.

[Blueberrybook]

I had that image saved yesterday. So sorry! It was the last one my iCloud photos showed me.



I just uploaded my own iPhone pic! I really do own an old eye phone. Grin.

[Autumn88]

@Blueberrybook,

Sorry. What images?

I didn't to my knowledge include any images, but then I am pretty clued put tech wise.

Hope you are having a better day today.