[Blueberrybook]

ED's can be deadly overnight, muddy, you know that. A heart attack and lights out. Or you could recover or spend a decade or longer living in the same old h*ll. So I guess it's really has 3 outcomes: a fast death, a slow lingering death for as long as you live, or recovery. The thing is you DO have control over recovery whether you see it or not. Recovery is HARD, and for a lot of it I felt like falling back into the ED would just be easier all around and recovery impossible until finally I had to give recovery all I had to give and even more. At some point, I no longer had to force recovery-oriented actions, but I don't know what the tipping point was. I think just using CBT following those thoughts with action again and again, just repeating it, things finally just started going better. Though I hated all the weight gain and not exercising until I was more stable and drinking extra meal replacement shakes on top of eating meals. None of it was fun. Sometimes it's still hard and exercise is still a bit iffy sometimes, but I have actually lately had quite a few days feeling positive about my body image, and it's been awhile since that's happened. I hate my weight, but at least my body image is good. Crazy thinking, but EDs are crazy!

[Victoria'smom]

Possible trigger:

Birthdays SUCK with ED. I was supposed to be dead by now

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

ED's can be deadly overnight, muddy, you know that. A heart attack and lights out. Or you could recover or spend a decade or longer living in the same old h*ll. So I guess it's really has 3 outcomes: a fast death, a slow lingering death for as long as you live, or recovery. The thing is you DO have control over recovery whether you see it or not. Recovery is HARD, and for a lot of it I felt like falling back into the ED would just be easier all around and recovery impossible until finally I had to give recovery all I had to give and even more. At some point, I no longer had to force recovery-oriented actions, but I don't know what the tipping point was. I think just using CBT following those thoughts with action again and again, just repeating it, things finally just started going better. Though I hated all the weight gain and not exercising until I was more stable and drinking extra meal replacement shakes on top of eating meals. None of it was fun. Sometimes it's still hard and exercise is still a bit iffy sometimes, but I have actually lately had quite a few days feeling positive about my body image, and it's been awhile since that's happened. I hate my weight, but at least my body image is good. Crazy thinking, but EDs are crazy!

Here’s a thought. Maybe, luke the other thousand times ai’ve said this, I know I can recover, but there’s a fking reason in the first place??? Maybe those five pounds more are the reason i get murdered???? I know I want to die but I don’t want to make people that mad because I’m that lad and it’s not fun.

[MuddyBoots]

I’m not mad at the options, Im mad the docs act like I can escape death if only I held down dinner assuming I want to live. No. You saying I couldve died by now just feels bad because that would’ve been best for everyone.

[MuddyBoots]

If I wasn’t around my mom wouldnt have had to deal with my dad. If I wasn’t around my neighbor qoyld t bein yhe hospital. If i wasnt around maybe Kary would’ve lived. Who td knows? Just seems more likely that if I stopped beingithwr people would exost easier

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

Possible trigger:

Birthdays SUCK with ED. I was supposed to be dead by now

I'm so sorry EDs pretty much just suck all around. I never could picture that I'd be 47 yr. old at the point when my ED was bad.

Possible trigger:

I just wanted things to end. I wanted to go to sleep and just never wake up.

Sorry your birthday was rough.

[Blueberrybook]

How is everyone doing?

Today I actually listened to my body and came in from jogging when I needed to instead of running myself to the point of exhaustion. It was a pretty good run, still feeling the benefits of exercise on my mood today

[Victoria'smom]

I ate second day in a row!

[Autumn88]

Um, Hi everyone.

Haven't posted here in a long time, forgive me for not being here to support you all...hope ok to be back.

Anyway, my mental health as a whole, with my myriad of dxs has been...crushing.

My ED?

Well, I had hidden my 70 dollar scale somewhere, but found it and was all at once gleefully.and excited, and terrified, as my body dishisys me, I have how I look in any clothes...so, I was really afraid of that number, and when I finally stepped on the scale I was of course horrified.

Ran to check my BMI and I am a healthy weight, bjt so many circumstances in my life over the past year have left me still desperately missing being completely emaciated and sick...

But, I have been eating.
Not much, far less calories to sustain human life, so I guess anorexia is whispering at me, Co trolli g my actions.

I have c*t out while food groups, but all this does.t seem concious...

I dunno.

And now...I have no food in the house, no money...called a place that delivers food hampers but they refused me.

Poverty is triggering me.

I think u til this very moment, sharing with you all, I have a little insight about all this, and can only admit to now..

My very maladaptive a.d potentially d**dly coping mechanism has me in its sharp talons again.

Two days ago, I went no contact with the guy I have been in a relationship with fir almost decade.
He crossed my boundaries fir the last time.
Not the place to get into it here, but the thing is, he kept making me food,or taking me out for x or x...a d I would eat it with gratitude, but...not without fear, resentment of him which made me feel ashamed, and an intense fear if getting f*t...

Anyway, the reason ( And I ask for your support that this time I stick to no contact with him) I ended things is not really about my ED...or us it, some of it?

He always made comments about my body " to boost your confidence ", he kept doing this even though I have repeatedly set a boundary that I do not want anyone commenting on my body...

Ugh...this is such a babbling nonsensical post, forgive me.

The only other thing I wanted to share is that a few weeks ago, broke, hungry I went to eat at a drop in that serves meals.

Um so...( This is humiliating to even type and share here) one of the volunteers POINTED AT MY STOMACH AND SAID,OH,YOURE PREGNANT?

To be fair I suppose she worried my baby she thought I was carrying wasn't getting enough nutrition but I was still mortified and wanted to cry and cry.

So...I am not sure how I am doing...

I have therapy on Monday thank God, but there is SO MUCH to cover in that 50 minute hour, di I even bring this up to Dr.S?

I feel like there are more pressing issues.

However he usually asks me every session how "active" my eating disorder is.

I guess, indeed it is "active".

It snuck up on me.

Have been engaging in other behaviours as well so...

I am sick.

I remain sick after just turning half a century old, and "lived" a lifetime in this (sickly soothing) disease.

Alright, I will spare you all anymore of my nonsense.

Thank you for reading if you have, and I wish fir you all strength to keep fighting.

[Autumn88]

Good morning everyone, ( at least it is morning here)...yeah, me again.

Forgive me,I have literally nobody to talk to.
I don't really want to call a crisis line...I will of enough desperation sets in, but thought I would check in here, as..I am not doing too well.

I had to get out of .my stifling dump of an apartment so here I am, on a bench in the shade, having made a very bad choice.

I walked to the corner store, and with the last of my cash, did not pick up a couple cans of beans or whatever, but a toxic Dr Pepper zero and equally or more toxic cigarettes.

I was so proud of myself for quitting the filthy addiction ten years ago when my ex told me he would not go put with a smoker, but during my last inpatient admission( unrelated to my ED, I was just falling apart), I started to really crave cigarettes, I think triggerd by all the other smokers gathering outside the hospital at pass times, bonding while I sat alone drinking copious amounts of coffee...they brought to mind my admission in another city back when in hospital I turned 26, when the hospital's still had smoking rooms.

I too bonded with other patients over our shared addiction, and I missed that.

Anyway this has nothing to do with my ED so I am sorry for digressing..

The point us, I am completely faltering.
I am so, so anxious.
I am heeding the ED'S demands.

I stepped on the scale this morning, disappointed.

My body image is horrible.

I feel so lost and wholly alone in the world now that I have c*t ties with what's his face.

I almost unblocked and called him earlier but something told me not to.

Of course the lying ED promises me,"I am your best friend. I'm all you need."

My mind is already so twisted.

I have gone a thousand steps backwards.

And I despise myself.
Despise my body.

Don't feel like even trying to,"Do the next right thing."

I suppose I am depressed.

I need to cry and I can't.

I don't know what to do with all this time on my hands...another door the ED enters in...

A million seemingly happy go lucky people ( of course who knows what any other human being is wrestling with in their lives) having brunch with friends in the expensive cafes and restaurants and here I am, having gone x hours without eating, only feeling fleeting hunger cues, with nobody to support me, sit with me, eat with me.

Yes, need someone to hold my hand again.
Literally, figuratively..

What am I doing to myself again?

I wish I was someone else entirely.

My last really hard core IP therapist told me straight up that given the duration of my anorexia and how many times I have been in and out of treatment my chances of making a full recovery are, pardon the " pun"..."slim "...

Apparently.

I talked to Dr.S a couple days ago briefly about something else, but he did day I could call him again this week if I need to.

His receptionist is off fur the day at noon, and it's getting close to 11:30 AM here, so maybe one healthy and " wise mind" driven decision I will make right now is to go back " home" and leave him a message to please call me..

So, suppose will go and do that now..

Sorry for another really not at all positive post, but I am really struggling.

I needed a space to open up, so...that's it.

Thank you for reading if you have, and hope please take good care everyone.

[MuddyBoots]

Since my pdoc mentioned medical hospitalization and feeding tubes and all that I've pretty much been binging every time I can't sleep (occasionally purging, but that's not super comfortable with (maybe now multiple?) prolapsed pelvic organs, and neither is using the bathroom of any capacity so the last time I got weighed the nurse was like "wow, impressive." and I just wanted to scream "Shut tf up! You'd be x lbs heavier if you replaced the sleep you should be getting with stuffing your face with bread and PB, "cheesecake" made from yogurt and a box of jello mix, and whatever else can be whipped up easily without turning a stove on and turning the 99F match-the-air outside studio into a 120F-God someone open a window to the 99F outside world to cool off studio."

I see my PCP next week but how do I explain to her

Possible trigger: TMI/gross

"the poop that ended all poops?" would I just sound delusional? I mean I've seen pictures online to compare (yeah, my search history... hope that wasn't looked at during apartment inspections yesterday ) and I swear that is what happened, the description of symptoms and what it feels like sound pretty accurate, and now I swear the same thing is happening in a different house in that neighborhood (not normal for me to not fit a finger there... nope. Two weeks ago I could've put a 1L water bottle there, now it's like I'm hitting a fleshy bowling ball before anything I want to hit). But yeah, it's hemorrhoids. That's why on my walk back tonight I was like 4x as scared as usual of any guy that said anything to me...

Anyway, if only restricting during the day just to consume probably ten times worth of what I would in a day in the few hours I used to sleep at night is recovery, I'm doing it really freaking well. Am still terrified of gaining weight, but not as terrified as staying where I am or losing and going back to the hospital.

[Victoria'smom]

So my T knows, which I guess it is useful but he wants me not to use caffeine or other appetite suppressant. We'll work on this until Tuesday..

[Autumn88]

It's 5:23 AM here and I woke up about an hour ago after a nightmare that my bathroom was filling up with water, and I was trying frantically to bail it out, with just my hands, fearing it was flooding the apartment below me.

Anyway back in my old familiar habit of jumping outta bed to hop on the scale.

I have lost weight.
That dopamine hit of seeing the number had dropped didn't stay with me long before I soon was lamenting what my body still looks and feels like.

Consequences-Still tired, lightheaded but that could be a combination of a calorie deficit and my very sedating meds.

There is breakfast until.8:30 AM at another drop in ( my old church runs it and I really don't like going there) and I know the " healthy choice" would be to get there and eat, but my head is telling me, in a loop, what an unhealthy f*ttening breakfast it is, wirh now " forbidden" foods. .

I am full of dread for the long ( inevitably too brightly sunny ) looming day, inwardly that frantic feeling is rising up in the doom, but for now . .

Even though I don't honestly feel hungry, my stomach is gurgling like mad, I am sure angry at ne for not listening to it, honoring ny body ( which I hate ), for my life long staved brain sending it a single that ," Oh, so we're in a famine again "...

I feel so stupid.

I am speeding on that bullet train to self destruction already and again...it's moving too fast, no bell to ring desperately to let me off...preferably in the middle of nowhere, to leave me alone in a field of daisies with a thunderstorm promised in the overcast sky, and...I, just...lying in the clover, screaming.

Blessings to all.

[Blueberrybook]

Sorry I've been absent from this board a few days. I did ready your own post autumn, and that would kill me being asked if I were pregnant when I wasn't and at a healthy BMI no less! I make it a point to never EVER ask any woman I do not know about her pregnancy/due date/etc. Because you just don't know. If it's any consolation to you, when I started regaining weight after my low weight; I gained it unevenly and especially in my stomach/abs. It took awhile of normal eating with gentle exercise to even things out. I hope you can keep up the recovery road; you have been doing well well.

I'll reply more tomorrow. I had a long day out with my sisters told and am pretty wiped. But I did well with a lunch out and a giant fancy gourmet cookie late dessert/snack afterwards and am still feeling fine. I did walk a ton today as we we at a rainforest/aquaruim park today.

[Autumn88]

Thank you so much for your empathy and encouragement @Blueberrybook.

I know!
Never would I ask a woman if she is pregnant!!!

It was so humiliating and very triggering.

I too have gained most of my weight in my abdomen. As I always do coming out of treatment.

Everywhere you read " It will redistribute in a year."

But, of course you're right, it means a year of regular nourishment so your body doesn't fearfully keep weight there to protect your organs.

I have been doing my best since treatment but...
Not well enough I guess, not at all eating as I was taught, and now I find myself just spiralling...

I have just come from a Liturgy at a new parish.
(Please know not about to try and shovee my faith down your throats, just for context.)

It was beautiful.
But I was so tired I had to sit most of the time.
Near the end of the service I could smell...food.

They all gather together afterwards, maybe like 80 to 100 people, for coffee, food, and fellowship.

Well, two reasons I just fled afterward.

One of course, the food set out...

I did intend to partake, but there were so many strangers who know one another well.
Social.anxiety which I believe closely borders if not completely is social phobia, and...having a quick glance at everything set out, many things which I would have enjoyed without thinking about it,just a few weeks ago,( well, for the most part) struck me with terror.

As well, couldn't tell what everything was. What was vegetarian, my hunger cues left me.

I am a wretch of a hippocrite.

I am now in the park, smoking cigarettes, drinking Dr Pepper zero.

And I am so tired.

This, all of this, so tired of it all.

I know this is an illness that thrives on stress and anxiety, loneliness, and isolation.

It clings to me fiercely. And I...cling to it.

I have therapy tomorrow.

Thank God, but as I think I said, where to begin?

I guess anorexia is where Dr.S will want me to begin. As he always wants to really focus on it as it affects my physical health.

I spoke to him briefly on Friday but he called when I was in a deep sleep and I tried to tell him about the situation with my now ex, my resurgence completely of my ED, but I heard myself drowsily rambling nonsense.

So nothing accomplished but for him to change our appointment time tomorrow and that,"We'll pick up on all of this on Monday.

I feel awful, physically, mentally, emotionally.

I'm scared but...
Anorexia is numbing me.

I have nobody.
I hate this city

I know I am not even trying. And my " milestone birthday " a couple weeks ago has left me feeling that I will never be free of this disease.

I return to it with my other dxs, my lack of friends, my longing to write poetry again which depression ( and now in tandem with the ED) has stolen from me...

Eventually, Dr.S will tell me therapy isn't going to work with my starved brain.

And actually, my last IP stay for depression last month with a pyschiatrist I quickly lost respect for when she told me she had never even heard of " The Bell Jar ", told me she'd refer me back to treatment, but never did.

( As far as I know)

I am still " Atypical " at my BMI, but already quite unwell.

My other boiling beneath the surface emotion is...rage.

I have always had to suppress this emotion, thinking it " bad" and as a kid I was simply not permitted to express anger in a healthy way, I am again not knowing how to cope with this, I know, very natural, and ( I think) very justified emotion, and so, am willfully turning this festering rage on myself.

I am in no way inferring that eating disorders are a choice-but rather, deeply ingrained maladaptive coping mechanisms.

I have a cool pair of jeans sitting on a shelf in my closet, the last of my " sick clothes", but I could not part with them, they are way to small still but don't want to get rid of them.

Sigh...another very negative post, forgive me.

I so wish I could have come back here to share that I ate lunch, talked to other humans which terrifies me,but I suppose this is just another example of my shameful failure.

I guess that's it for now.

I sincerely wish for you all that you reach a place of solid recovery, finally free, finally unafraid, finally...enjoying a rich and contented LIFE.

Take good care everyone...

..And @Blueberrybook, good for you for enjoying lunch, and getting out with loved ones, and...a cookie!!!

What a major win you should be very proud of!

[Blueberrybook]

@Autumn88 - Don't feel the need to apologize for posting your feelings or writing a negative post. Your feelings are important, and recovery is so hard, it's easy to fall into ED mode, I understand. I too have social anxiety. I don't have any friends except my 2 sisters, but thankfully they are very good friends I can talk candidly with. And I have my husband too but there are times I just don't want to worry him or things he doesn't understand because he is not a woman and doesn't understand how hard it is for women to be looking to models, TV & movie actresses all size 0, 00 or even smaller in some cases.

I did a long jog this morning, but I came in before I completely exhausted myself, it's something I guess. Running did feel good after 2 days off from it (did pilates yesterday & Friday), plus walked a ton yesterday at the aquarium/rainforest park. I really need to keep inputting pilates into my workouts in place of running so I stay at a decent weight. Also, pilates is less demanding on the knee & hip joints, which I've had problems with in the past.

[Autumn88]

Thank you, @Blueberrybook, for your acceptance, understanding, and validation.

I did listen to my body today-to an extent.

I still, even after several stints in treatment know, to even try to have 3 regulated meals and two to three snacks. And the overwhelming " voice " of the ED wars against the healthy part of my pysche which realises how quickly I detriorate st my age.

So..I ate tonight, as much as I could even physically handle ( anxiety having stolen my appetite until after x hours of having eaten),

I hope you allow your body rest, and the intense pressure to exercise excessively is something you might overcome.

( Only ever having been plagued with this manifestation of my ED, I can only imagine what a struggle it must be...but you are so wonderfully self aware. I have heard a lot if good things about pliates it is so good to hear you say you have turned to this practice to relax and get in touch with your body...)

I am so glad you have your sisters to confuse in, and your husband, however I understand how hard it must be to fully open up to him.

I hope today wa a good day for you,and sincerely I thank you again, for listening and caring.

[Mountaindewed]

I told my therapist some thoughts related to eating disorders. She said I'm thinking like this because a lot of stuff is out of my control in my life right now. Yeah..

[MuddyBoots]

So much b/p earlier.

[Blueberrybook]

@Autumn88 Thanks for your kind post. I too do often struggle with eating even though I eat enough for my body daily. It's that I feel guilty almost and like a glutton even though I'm not binge-eating, just eating normally. I don't know if that feeling ever fully goes away. @MuddyBoots - Sorry about the b/p. I hope today goes better for you.

Today I woke up with tired muscles and actually reined it in. I did the gentlest pilates video in the series I like which while it is easy for me does get my body moving some and feels a lot like a good stretching session. And the instructor does do a 5 min. stretching series at the end of the video which really feels nice. I'm glad I was able to slow down the exercise today; honestly, I needed to take a jogging break to recharge.

[Autumn88]

@Blueberrybook, thank you for your understanding and empathy. I too struggle with feeling like a glutton while not even bingeing.

I'm glad you just did some gentle pilates instead of pushing your body past it's limits...

I just woke up.
It's close to 6 AM and I have been awake for almost an hour.

This is the second morning in a row I have not jumped outta bed and weighed myself.

I am not sure how the compulsion

just...vanished.

As I mentioned I think, I am broke.
With my sciatica and the heat it would ha e been too hard to walk the long walk to the food bank on Wednesday, and I admit I was starving.

I was so enraged at my body that it would slam me with hunger.

Ultimately I was so desperate to eat, I, so help me, unblocked that guy, shamefully wrote him my sob story a d asked if he could help me.

( He is the only person in this city that I have.)

Anyway, he didn't chastise me, I stead he said he'd make me something to eat and come bring it to me.

I was relieved, but at the same time worried about how much x he was going to add to the food.

Anyway, he brought me a lot of good food.

I ate.
A nd ate and ate and ate...

A d I have stayed off the scale, mostly out of fear, and I am finding myself being hypercritical of my body again.

I admit I felt better after eating, but my head was fighting me with every bite.

It's still fighting with me.

When I eat I feel I am just going against everything.

I am wondering whether it would be worth it to do partial at a different hospital than the one I have been in and out of since I was 32.

I dunno.

Can eating the way I do ( even waiting x hours, grazing ) change my neural pathways or do I need a little more support?

I resent that nourishing myself the past couple days hasn't given me more energy.

Of course, I am on an ancient r, very strong antipyschotic that only my OCD can bypass.

Of course my OCD gleefully latches on to my ED and I end up giving in, as it all is so loud.

My GP said thst for my chronic pain swimming is the best exercise.
When I told him I don't know how to swim, he saud to at least move against the resistance of the water.

But...a BATHING SUIT?!?

I haven't worn a bathing suit in eons, and never I'm my life have I worn a bikini and I never will.

Anyway, my...friend? Romantic entanglement??
who used to swim a lot and exercise in the shallow end, offered to go to the pool with me and teach me stuff.

He saud," We'll find you a one piece.
But I still feel like I could only go to thr pool in a large t shirt to cover my body.

I think the pregablin has put weight on me.
It's been a long time since a med has made .e gain weight.

About 12? Or more years ago I had this cold, arrogant pyschiatrist who put me on clozapine which of course put a lot if weight on me.

I remember my shame when my old GP whom had seem me at a very low weight, weighed and I didn't look, and he LAUGHED, and sayd," Oh now you've gone the other way."

Mortified.
Depressed.
Loathing my.body which did t feel.like mine.
Loathing my very self.

Anyway, that doctor told .e I was having a paradoxical reaction to the clozapine and took me off jt.

The last time that happened was also.many yeas ago, my pyschiatrist ( a different o ne) put me on lithium.

The side effects were debilitating.
Up.until then I had nrbrr been in a med thst made me gain a lot of weight, even olanzapine I was on in hospital fir a little whileddid put any noticeable weight on me, bjt on lithium apparently tly jt was noticeable as an ex of mine POINTED AT MY STOMACH,and LAUGHED,and said," Oh!, You sure put in some weight!"

These comments,gave looped in ny head fur almoet 3 decades.

Why are so manyy people so ignorant and cruel?

Why do I still let eons ago comments about my body affect me?

Why do I still struggle with what Dr.S says is an obsession, my feeling like starving myself is sone kind of acsetic pursuit?

Many reasons as to both, but to ask my mum about my ED,( which often msfr her defensive, angry, feeling like the books I suggested her to read to try and educate herself would accuse her of it,"Being the mother's fault...) she wohkd tell me that I," Threw away my bottle at 6 months "...

Have I been afflicted with this I'll ess since the day I was born?

Has my entire life been a response to stress, to anxiety, trauma, the dark world of professional ballet school?

I am probably alwaysy ( as Dr.S recently said) going to only be " managed" as far as my ED.

I find now to feel and think that I do not have a " severe and enduring eating disorder", as I am a healthy weight, but the reality is, my head never caught up with proper nourishment, I am still obsessive, shamefully still comparing myself to others, especially the women joggers around here with " perfect bodies"....

I guess, I will acquise and break down and but sone kind of very plain black bathing suit, go to a pool.

Will do anything to relieve my physical pain.

In the meantime, i have just eaten a little.

Oh. Everyone, forgive me fur another boring and self indulgent post.

I just have noby to talk to about all this besides Dr S, and he us going to be away for two weeks,and my next full therapy session is not until nees4ky the end of August.

But anyway I will not burden you all anymore here today, you are all trying to cope as well as you can yourselves...

Blessings to all, and please keep fighting.

You are not alone.

[Blueberrybook]

@Autumn88 I keep meaning to reply to you but never have much time. Definitely swimming & working out in the water is good exercise. I feel you on bathing suits though. Shudder. I am with you on envying women with perfect bodies. Though I am a woman jogger, my body is far from perfect - stretch marks, cellulite even though I know that technically I am straddling the BMI between low-normal and underweight, and I've still got cellulite. WTF?! I hope you continue to keep up with eating and stay off the scale. I feel too that my ED is only ever going to be "managed", i.e., I will not escape the thoughts even if I eat normally, exercise normally, etc.

I overexercised yesterday but today did a gentle pilates video. It had a killer arm workout at the end though.

[Autumn88]

Thank you for your sharing your struggle, which mirrors my own. @Blueberrybook.

I hate myself for comparing.
It goes against my values.

I have managed to stay off the scale still, but have yet to get rid of it, or put it away somewhere.

I have been eating but...not normally.

And not without ED raging thoughts.

I will indeed break down a d buy a (ugh) bathing suit I guess.

Walk in the pool.

I hope you will listen to your body today, not criticise yourself.

Thank you for caring.

[Blueberrybook]

@Autumn88 - EDs suck so much. I am lucky in that having a family requires I prepare actual meals; it keeps me more on the right track eating-wise. But I struggle so much with exercise. I feel so guilty if I don't exercise, lazy, like I'll wake up morbidly obese in the morning even though I know that's not the case.

It's a huge achievement staying off the scale so long! I haven't been able to manage that lately though the number has been more or less the same with minor up & down fluctuations.

I hope you will gradually be able to eat more. I know for me when I had to start eating more and burning fewer calories through exercise, I was very tired in the beginning. I slept a lot and definitely did not have increased energy from it, like you described in your earlier post.

One day at a time...sigh.

[Autumn88]

Thank you for your reply, @Blueberrybook.

I am so happy you have your family to prepare meals for, and have your loved ones there to help you through meals.

I am sorry you are still struggling with over excersise.

I wish you felt no guilt around not pushing your body past it's limits...

...I am still overwhelmed by the ED " voice".

Staying off the scale, yet it still tempts me every morning.

And my head is estimating how much I weigh, which admittedly is likely a way higher number than what I actually weigh.

My body is truly devastating me.
I guess that sounds a little melodramatic, but it's how I feel..

And...my hunger cues.

I...Just don't feel like myself.

Yesterday I found myself ravenous after having gone x hours without eating.

My...whatever he is to me, made me really good food.
And I ENJOYED it, but not without worrying to anxiety about what he put in it.

Not at all " safe"...

And now I have been up for x hours and no breakfast.

Not ( honestly) hungry-although in treatment have always been told," Eat on a schedule. Eat even if you don't feel.hungry..."

I still am struggling with this.

I have felt like crying all morning, about everything, about nothing...certainly not all to do with my ED, however Dr.S has been telling me for years how my "starved brain" is affected by anorexia.

I am scared I can't let go of it.

I read of people truly recovered

Usually people much younger than me, with lives still full of promise, goals, and dreams,reaching a place of LIVING, and knowing the joy and freedom recovery has given them.

I can't relate.
( Although always glad to read of people far younger than I, overcoming their ED'S,without being in and out of hospital, wasted years...)

Existing in this body I find uninhabitable is torturous.

No exaggeration.

Anyway, very soon really ought to force myself to eat.

But this feeling of being empty, strong, clear headed, even with my " starved brain" is positively addictive..

I resent my hunger cues and having to eat, and missing my scale and all the rest of it.

Ok. Enough,I'm sorry.

Haven't said anything of substance here.

Keep strong everyone.

And blessings to you all.