Are there any women of color on here?

I am a 24 year old African American woman battling bulimia. I haven't sought treatment and I haven't told my family. Everyday I want to "out" myself but I don't have the courage to do it. I know I can't end this on my own but the thought of being exposed for who I truly am is unbearable. Having people look at me as a person who is mentally disturbed is painful to think about. I want people's admiration and respect too much to tell, especially my family. I don't want them to know that I binge/purge to cope with my emotions and life's challenges and that I don't like myself. I can't believe that this has been going on for 3.5 years. I can't believe this is happening to me. As an African American I always invisioned the all American Caucasian teenage girl somewhere in the middle of suburbia who suffered from anorexia or bulimia, not me. I don't let this or my circumstances get me down too much though. Maybe that's my problem, I don't feel; I suppress everything. I release it when I'm bent over purging. I purge my soul and get relief for the time being. But I'm rambling now. I was just curious to know if there were any other women of color on this site and if so, maybe I could get some feedback from them on this issue. Thanks!

I'm afraid I'm not what you're looking for, being white and anorexic, but what you've described nails it for me. Not eating is part of not feeling, if that makes any sense.

My advice, as someone MUCH older than you are, is to get to a therapist. You don't have to tell your family WHY you're going -- or even tell them at all -- but I promise it's the best thing you can do for yourself. If your family ask about it, you can always tell them something like you're "conflicted about career options and seeking clarity" or you're "looking to find better ways of dealing with stress" -- you really and truly don't need to be "mentally disturbed" to see a therapist. (My husband is in individual therapy to help him deal with the stress of my current relapse, for example. He's a wonderful, well-adjusted, even tempered guy who knows he's a superstar. I don't think anyone could describe him as "mentally disturbed.")

By the way, you have a real gift for words, and -- from what you've written here -- an awful lot of insight into what's going on for you. Those are both real gifts. I hope that you are aware of how talented you are.

Hi and welcome to the group. Hope you feel like one of the family right away.

I'm not sure what you mean by "women of color" but I'm not all white. I don't have bulimia so I can't relate to your problem, but what stuck out for me in your post is this:

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I know I can't end this on my own but the thought of being exposed for who I truly am is unbearable.

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Hun, YOU are NOT the bulimia. There are so many more aspects to you than just the illness. It is not the sum total of who you are, only a very small part. Maybe it's hard to believe right now because it's taking up so much of your thinking and feeling, but I can tell that you are intelligent, well spoken and that adds up to so much more. You didn't choose to have this illness so where does your fault lie? It's not your fault and it's not who you are.

Tell us more about your situation and I'm sure many of us would love to help you figure out how to "out" yourself.

Hang in. You've come to the right place for understanding and support.

Thanks for all of your compliments and advice. I've known for a long time that I MUST see a therapist but I am filled with embarrassment. However, the drive to end this is much stronger than shame. Maybe I'll tell my family after I am "cured" (joking). My family (myself included) has zero tolerance for emotional displays and discussions about them (if you want to cry, go to your room; if you're sad, don't make the family feel uncomfortable for not being able to console you, it's too awkward). We are such a loving family but we are not affectionate. I only wanted to tell them so that someone would help me.

SeptemberMorn, it's funny how you pointed out how I feel that my condition is my fault because I never acknowledged that. I feel like I make the decision to do it, I give into that compulsion. I have to admit though, when you restrict all day how can you not expect to want to binge. It's real simple to figure out. I began because of some emotional turmoil I was experiencing (getting dumped after a 4-year relationship and feeling inadequate and at fault), wanted to punish myself by purging, and then after learning to suppress all my emotions and self-hatred, making it a weight thing. I will do anything in my power to lose this weight and get to my goal, which I have never done. I have been trying to lose this freshman 15 since freshman year, 7 years ago. That's another thing, I am such a failure at being a bulimic. What is the point of doing it if I am still considered to be overweight. That makes me seem even more crazy. I just want to learn to eat like a normal person and most importantly, love myself with everything I have. I mean really, what do skinny people eat all day?

LOL You don't want to know what my stick of a husband eats all day. It would shock you! He's been on a trip for over six weeks and all I've eaten day in and day out is Cheerios for lunch and a green salad for dinner. Think I've lost any weight? Not harldy!

There's not much I can tell you about diets because I've never been able to control my weight on my own. I know next to nothing about eating disorders. If I have one, it's not something I've dealt with. What I do know is that we tend to carry extra weight if we feel stressed or even worse, live with depression. Axiety does it, too. I've even heard that some people really do gain weight just by looking at something delicious!

Something else I'm no expert at is loving myself. It's something we all need to do, though. What I've read suggests that we need to learn to love ourselves unconditionally first and then tackle our problems.

My strong encouragement would be to find yourself a good therapist you can relate to and go from there. We're all on a rough, bumpy road and only a very rare person can tackle their problems on their own. Get profesional help and we're here to help you along, too.

Take care of YOU.

Well, I can't tell you how to eat like a normal person, but I can tell you what I have learned about eating to control my weight -- when the anorexia has been in remission.

First of all, DO NOT restrict all day -- or you will binge. (Been there, done that...) Eat a sensible breakfast, maybe a couple of poached eggs and oatmeal or Malt-O-Meal. The mix of protein and carbohydrates will fill you up, give you energy for the first part of the day, and you won't feel deprived. For lunch, eat a balanced meal, something with protein, carbs, and a bit of fat. (Frankly, for maintaining a semi normal weight at my last job, I ate anything I wanted for lunch. Taco Bell was too much of a part of my life then, but I do love it.) A good sandwich, with a piece of fruit should do it.

Dinner is where you cut back -- a little. When I was trying to keep my weight down at my last job -- on antidepressants, which caused a huge amount of weight gain if I didn't cut way down on what I ate -- I just ate a biggish salad for dinner. Filled me up, and wasn't all that fattening.

As for your weight now, bulimics are actually known for being normal or above normal weight: when you purge, you don't get rid of all the calories you consume. I've read that the average bulimic actually retains about 1200 calories from the average binge after purging. That's a full day's supply of calories for a restricted diet for healthy weight loss! And laxatives do even less. All the calories have been absorbed by the time the laxatives do their thing.

Your family sounds a good deal like mine, by the way. "Emotions? Not around here, dear." "You say that you feel bad? Why? If you can't explain it in words so that we can all understand it, then you don't really feel that way." And after my stepfather molested me, "If you can't tell me how it caused any lasting damage, then it didn't." (I was 11 at the time.)

I wish there was something I could tell you that might help you. I guess all I can say -- besides get to that therapist ASAP -- is that you can do it. It takes baby steps, and they're all hard, but it is possible. One suggestion is to choose something each day to eat and keep down. Even something like tomato juice.

OH! I just thought of something! I've got a fair number of links that might help you. There are some groups, including 12 step type programs, that might help you. I know that Overeaters Anonymous has been said to be eating disorder friendly, and weight watchers might be another option. Check the site for the National Eating Disorders Association, they've got good information, and a lot of resources. A self-help type group might help you, as a stepping stone to therapy, or just as something to help you get started on recovery until you find a therapist. At least you'd find yourself around a group of people who understand what you're going through, and that helps a lot. Something Fishy is another website, specific to eating disorders, that has a forum. You might find more support there, since they have a bulimia specific board. But if you go there, don't abandon this place, either. Lots of caring folks here. Good luck to you, and be well.

http://www.beyondhunger.org/
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.o...WebPage_ID=337
http://www.aabainc.org/
http://www.edreferral.com/
http://www.somethingfishy.org/

Welcome to the site! You will find plenty of caring members here... of all shapes, colors, sizes and genders!

I am personally curious as to why you solicited responses (at first) only from non-anglo women. Do you sense that anglo women can't relate to non-anglo? Perhaps this is another something your family has ingrained in you? Or perhaps you do not have a good support system for you in your world, that anglos just don't seem to care and support you? And I can see how that could be...

also, there are men on here that are experiencing the same feelings and questions that you are... and can help with a different perspective for us too!

I don't have an "eating disorder" per se... but my eating is certainly disordered! lol I am disabled and really not safe enough nor brain organized enough any more, to shop and cook for myself... so I resign myself to one meal a day (at a local restaurant.) On days like today, when I am too fatigued to go out, I don't really eat. (I just munched on some ice cream, though ---sugar free!?)

I'm sure it is something that can be better performed in the future for me... when other things are cleared... guess I feel I'm just not worthy of working on it ahead of some other things....

again, welcome and come back often!

hi all.. I am actually a person of color with an eating disorder. I think the reason she asked this question (but feel free to respond) is because there is this stereotype that certain minorities do not care about being "skinny." There may be a stereotype that we eat fattening foods and in the culture it is not as strongly pushed to be "skinny" as in other cultures. Taking on that stereotype or belief, it feels TWICE as shaming to have an eating disorder when you ARENT supposed to.

With all that said, I think her question was more expressing shame at having a disorder when culturally it is not expected. Many books on eating disorders and counseling have noted the cultural differences of people and their receptiveness to going to counseling, recognizing disordered behavior, and approaches to dealing with it.

What I would say to all that is that culture does affect us strongly. We are people first though. Every person has imprints of their culture AND their past on them. Our thoughts and behaviors are manifestations of both and sometimes it leads to disorders.

Regardless of what people say we should do or be or how we should behave, life has dealt us another set of cards. Denial and increased shame at our issues doesn't help, but working towards healing does. It may be a stigma to be a person of color with an eating disorder now. (I have experienced it) but shame is underlying all stigmas. Shame is underlying my eating disorder, so I chose not to accept it. I chose to accept myself and work on me

Hope that helps!

Oh I didn't mean that I don't understand, I do! I was trying to see why any one person would say those things (such as... wanting responses only from hispanics or native americans..) Because many ppl do believe that it is a "cultural" problem and belief system. I personally don't think the normally recognized cultures really are alone in this thinking! Each person within a strong culture believes that way, and that no other with out the culture could possibly relate.

So it isn't really a "culture" problem... it's a thinking problem, that we are so different from others. IMHO because we really are all the same, regardless of what we believe.

Hello again!

To hopefully clear things up, I solicited responses from "women of color" because I was curious to see how many minorities were actually on this site. I got the idea from another post asking "any older people here?" My intention was not to discriminate against anyone. Like esthersvirtue said, I was attempting to reach a group of people who are not normally expected to have an eating disorder, to get their cultural perspective. Only someone with bulimia, no matter what ethnicity, can come close to understanding how I feel and what I am going through (and maybe an expert on eds) but at the same time, there is an added cultural component to having an eating disorder and someone who is African American or a minority may understand even more. Although each culture has their own issues. Did I say that right? It's really hard to explain without sounding like some kind of a bigot. For instance, my best friend is a recovering Anorexic and when her family watched her become increasingly skinny, they began to call her "white washed" and attribute it to her "thinking she's white." Now I know that is very ignorant on the part of her family but you would be surprised at how some African Americans relate things to race.

Mainly, I think this is a cultural (American) thing where skinny is, for the most part, what is ideal for beauty. Although this isn't even about weight, it's about coping. It's not that any person suffering from an eating disorder can't understand my situation because I am African American, I'm sure we are very much alike, it's just that I was trying to get the perspective of someone who may feel like they are more stigmatized for having an ed than the average person who has one. From what I've read, the average ed afflicted person is typically a white girl who is a teenager living in a middle to upper class family.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. Maybe I should have been more specific and asked for only the African American perspective because I'm sure that I can't totally relate to other cultural issues except for my own. Or maybe I shouldn't have brought race into the situation if it means offending someone. I have to say that everyone's responses have been so supportive and I appreciate it a great deal. These all, except for one, being from people who aren't African American. I'm at a loss for words, I'm sorry. Basically, I think of my posted question as being similar to a man with bulimia asking if there are any men with bulimia on this site. It doesn't seem like a man would feel completely at home unless he knew that other men with his condition were represented on this site.

I hope my explanation was good enough. If not, just let me know. Again, thanks so much for your advise and support.

well said. no offense taken. welcome, again.

Facade, I'm the one who posted for older people, because I'm older than the "typical" teen anorexic. I think that ANY "minority" will understand the difficulty in not fitting the mold. As a woman over 40, my doctors don't think about Anorexia Nervosa as a possible explanation of my weight. That's for upper middle class white teenagers who are worried about grades and fitting in.

You're absolutely right, it is about coping. I've had periods of recovery from this, and periods of relapse. This is a relapse, the first in many, many years, and I was seeing a doctor and a therapist when it started. They must have noticed something -- I lost a third of my body weight in about two months, after all -- but it apparently didn't register with them. I'm not a teenager, after all, and even if I did have a history of AN, well, that's over and done with once it's been "cured" and the patient is out of her teens/twenties, right?

My family ignored it through my teens and twenties, as did my doctors. They must have seen signs, but of course one wouldn't want to admit there was anything going on that shouldn't have been.

What I know, and I think most of us here know, is that it feels like being in a prison cell -- we're alone, we can't let anyone find out, we have to hide it. My mother came to visit us today, and I managed to make it look as if I was eating just fine -- and wore pants two sizes too large, and a very baggy T-shirt. She probably felt pretty good, seeing me eat so much and obviously bigger than I was. The scale this morning, though, told a different story. The lowest weight yet.

I feel trapped. It sounds as if you feel trapped, too. Eating disorders can do that to you, it's the one thing I think we all have in common -- no matter what our age or race or gender. My cultural heritage is Eurasian, with some Turkish blood way back there. Mostly everyone is BIG in my family, and I look nothing at all like them. That adds to the feeling of isolation. My mother and I have grey eyes, but everyone else looks quite "ethnic" -- even slight epicanthic folds! Feeling like a foreigner in one's own family is damned difficult, no doubt about it. (Oh, yeah, and I"m married to a foreigner, too.)

I'm glad you found this place, Facade, and I hope you continue to find support here. Personally, I am not at all offended by your asking for others of color, because it does make a difference. Even if you don't find others here, though, we all have something in common, and that common ground can still be helpful.

Gen... please be sure to tell your T about this again... sometimes they just need to slow down the therapy some to stop the "acting out"....

No, I'm not offended by Facade's request... and since it does make a difference to her, well, then it's important.

I agree whole-heartedly, we have so much more in common than that small dimension called race and I think this forum is so wonderful. It feels good to discuss my situation and feelings open and honestly with people who can relate and/or empathize. Thanks so much for making me feel at home.

I still can't believe that bulimia does not make you lose weight. I am totally shocked. What have I been doing to myself? There's no point in doing it then. I decided that today would be the day that I quit but mid-day I got a hunger that would not stop and I binged on fruit snacks. I can't believe I did that. At least it wasn't a full fledged binge. I give myself major credit for that. I am addicted to binging and purging is just a side effect (a necessary evil). I really believed that I could stop cold turkey but now that I think about it, I can see that I'll just find some other way to get rid of the calories, like over excercising. It sucks being out of control when the solution is staring you right in the face and it's as "simple" as eating healthy.

SkyBdark, I went one better than that: I "fired" both the doctor and the therapist who were treating me at that point. Now I have a new doctor, and finally managed to tell him about this -- although apparently I was so cryptic in how I brought it up, he didn't quite get it until halfway through the discussion, but we did finally get to where we both used the "A Word" -- and -- although it took me several months to get to that point -- I told my new therapist about it, too. Now, while it's not the primary focus of therapy, it does play a part in almost every session. (The worst thing about having had this dismissed so much in the past is that it's very, very difficult for me to bring it up now with my treatment team.)

And Facade, if you're interested in some private messaging, I can offer a few things about weight and healthy eating. It would kinda require I tell you a little about myself, including a few things I'd rather not have on public display -- shame again, you know? Just let me know.

And I do agree -- after so many, many years of hiding it, it's so good to be able to express some of what goes on for me. I'm glad you're finding the same sort of relief, too.