[ThePainNeverDies]

I have to stop eating, just have to.. I need better will power, more of it, less pain.. I don't want to trigger people but.. It's horrible.. I can't eat, I need to not eat, I have to shed more weight... Fat.. Fat FAt FAAAATTT!! that's all I hear, everytime I eat.. Stop it you fat %#@&#!, ugh you big ugly pig..

I see food, I have to eat it.. But now, now I'm giving it all away, no more food for me.. And I think one of the key workers here has cottoned on.. Damn!! I can't let him know, let him find out.. I need to get rid of all of my food.. without wasting my money.. But what about when I have to go to my boyfriends house? What am I going to do when they try and get me to eat? I can't just not eat tea when they're there.. It's awful.. And they're going to cop on soon enough and find out and probably have a really long talk with me about it and I'll cry... Ugh, I can't cry.. Don't like crying, especially not infront of people.. What'll they think?

I just want to be thin.. Is that so much to ask? I don't care if I'm thin enough to some, and that I have curves in all the right places.. I need to lose just a little more weight.. another half a stone, and that's fine..

[concerned4stepkids]

I am not much help in this area. But I'll try.
Love yourself as your are. And others will too.
Time eventually makes us sag, wrinkle and such. Love yourself and focus on what you feel is the best part of you.

And do eat or it will make you very sick.

[wishfulmuscle]

I feel the same as you.. but once i say no more food, i can go almost all day and i lose it and binge at dinner time..

my best suggestion is try doing what im doing. (im a health major so i know its just a modification of a healthy eating habit) eat real small amounts every couple of hours to sustain yourself. if you dont want to eat alot thats fine, but by eating Something, you'll prevent a binge and keep your metabolism running properly. its easier said than done, i know.. but im still trying to work out my kinks with it!

Feel better hun. I'm right there with you

[ThePainNeverDies]

As you said, it's not that easy and I have tried it before and I know that it doesn't work for me..

I know I won't binge because I have got through the whole day, despite temptation and I'm proud of that, I feel like I can go those four weeks or so and lose more weight than I have planned, which is great! Man, I'm on a roll

I'm feeling pleased with myself for that and I hope I can do it again tomorrow.. I am only drinking now, which I feel is great..

[Perna]

Not eating will wreck your health, both mental and physical. Get some help before you get too sick to.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I was going to get help, but now that I'm there, I don't want to.. I'm so, so tempted to go and see the college nurse, but.. I don't want to... I'm not thin enough to be seen as anorexic or anything like that.. I want to have been not eating for at least a week..

I have promised that as soon as I am at my target weight, I will start to ask for help.. And I think that's perfectly fair... People say "well all people like you say they're going to do it but never do" and I'm just like.. Well, I know for a fact that I will do it.. I don't make promises and then break them..

I just want to lose at least another 4 lbs, I've lost half a stone in 4 months without even trying properly, that was due to major depression.All I want is that 4lbs to go and then I'm ok with myself...

[piscesmom]

what is half a stone?
I don't binge, I am anorexic, but I was at a support group on Saturday, led by a nutritionist. She advised one of the girls who binges late at night the same thing you were just advised....to eat small amounts more frequently throughout the day to keep your blood sugar levels even and then you will be less likely to binge. I also find it very helpful to keep a food diary.
If you aren't talking about this with a therapist already, maybe you should before you get to your "target" weight. It may help sort out the feelings that lead you to your binges and help you.
Good luck

[ThePainNeverDies]

But I won't binge.. I can't.. It's not fair..

half a stone is about.. 7lbs..

I need to lose about that much more and then I'll be happy.. I just need to be thin.. is that so much to ask?

and people won't drop it.. it just makes me worse if anything..

[Melpomene]

I don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but....

Just one more half stone? And when you've gotten rid of that? Another half stone? I'm sorry honey, but you'll probably never be happy with yourself if you go along this route.

You HAVE to eat.

You'll do better in your life, if you don't eat your digestive system 'forgets' how to work.

Also, the side effects. You get bad breathe because of your stomach acod or something, you gat lots of spots because you don't have the right vitamins.

And you don't care because you wanna lose the weight, right?

Well, why do you wanna lose it? To be beautiful? People are beautiful regardless of their weight.

And of course people wont drop it. You posted it, which means somewhere within you you want help, you want one of us to slap you.

I'm not saying anorexia is wrong, no one can truely say what's right or wrong, I'm saying it's bad for you. Your physical and mental health, and you will never be happy if you use this method.

Diet instead, diet and exerscise. Do it slowly. The slower you lose it the more likely you are to keep it off.

Starving yourself now just means that when you eat again later you put it all on again and there's a big cycle.

Like I say, sorry if that seems harsh, but I've had friends that have been anorexic and bulimic. It's not nice. Think of that it will do to your loved ones.

[enough]

I am like that too. I can do it when my day has been fine but as soon as something happens I stuff myself until I am ready to puke and then I start panicking because I am afraid of getting on the scale tomorrow.

[piscesmom]

I started out wanting to lose 15- 20 pounds, which was realistic because that is what I had gained, from a medication I was on.
I August I switched meds and began to slowly lose the weight. Now, at this point in my life, I had 14 years of recovery from a long battle with anorexia. I am 39 now. I lost the 20 lbs and couldn't stop there.
My anorexia was kicked into gear. I needed to lose 5 more. and so it went. I would be happy for a little while and then need to lose 5 more. It kept on until it became 43 pounds, I am 15 pounds underweight and struggling with all of my might not to lose anymore though the voice in my head wants me to. ANd I just remembered that all of my numbers are going to be xed out but the numbers are irrelevant. It spiralled out of my control and now I am fighting like hell and I feel like hell. I am in therapy, going into a support group, I have a psychiatrist and I am looking for a nutritionist. But I want to recover without gaining any weight back. I am doing the best I can for today and will keep trying but the obsession is real and it is strong and it just sucks you dry. Whether it is binging and purging or starving, they both can ultimately kill us. Seeking professional help is the only way to get through this, in my opinion. You can't cure yourself no matter how hard you try. To me, this is worse then quitting smoking, which I did a year ago.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know, I know...

But.. I still don't care and I know it sounds awful to say that.. But.. Confidence is what I need, as a performer, I'll never get signed if I'm not confident and being a little thinner is fine, that's what'll give me the confidence to go up onstage and give it my all..

I am getting professional help, my mental health advisor is trying to change my mind, but I just won't let him.. He knows exactly what's going on in my head.. And I'm not going to let him change it.. I can't, I really cannot let this go.. I neeed to be thinner, I need to feel confident.. I need to be happy again..

Food is something that I now find disgusting.. I smell it, I watch people eating it and I think.. '....How?! How can they do that?!'

It's horrid.. I know it is, but if it's what I have to go through to be thin, I'll do it.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know about wanting more and more, and now.. I'll admit it.. I know it'l happen.. BUT... As I have said.. As soon as I have lost another 7lbs I will get the help that I know I need.. But.. Just not yet..

I know I came on here to ask for advice.. That's why I posted and thanks so much for your advice.. I just don't know how to avoid eating more than I can this weekend.. At my boyfriends house.. It'll kill my insides.. They're already hurting..

[piscesmom]

if losing 7 more pounds is what it will take to get you help, think about this for a second. What will happen when they want you to gain back those 7 lbs? Wouldn't it be a little bit easier for you to get help NOW and have less weight to gain or maybe even be able to stay where you are now? I don't know how much you weigh or how tall you are or your BMI, so I don't know how safe or healthy or unhealthy you are right now. But your mind is in very, very bad shape and to be so adamant that you do not want your doctor to change your mind is only going to make you sicker. I understand though because when I was 18 and I was hospitalized for three months, I went in feeling the same way you do. And it was not easy to turn that thinking around but the first step is trusting someone enough to help you let it go and having that person there beside you as a safety net. My therapist was wonderful and saved my life. I didn't just want to get skinny, I was willing to die to stay skinny. And I almost did.
Now I am relapsing and I am seeking help before I reach that point again. I never want to go all the way back there. I am worried about you.

[Perna]

You won't be able to perform if you don't eat. You won't have the energy or look well to the people who would watch you. You'll look too thin to the audience and they won't want to see you.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I have done it before.. But not for so long, I admit.. but... It's got to be done, I can't not do it, I have tried so many different ways, all of which haven't worked for me.. The only way I lost that first 7 lbs was because I ate less...

My height is around 5ft7in and my BMI is around 20. my weight at the moment is 9st 3.. I have to get down to at most 8st10.. That's how heavy I was when people called me fat and that's how heavy I was when I was happy with myself.. When I knew that I wasn't fat.. As soon as I got to 9 st, I felt huge..

I will perform.. No matter what.. I will make sure I do, no matter what it takes.. I will do it..

The one thing that has got to me the most out of all of this, though, is that someone I actually thought was my friend, really thought I trusted.. Went and told the one person I begged him not to tell because I knew she'd compete with me.. So now I'm competing with her.. And I am so, so adamant to win, that I will do anything to win.. I am telling her that I am not competing with her and that it's her problem that she's going through and that this is my problem, so I need to sort out my own and she needs to sort out her own..

So, now I'm at a loss.. I'm going to try and keep my distance from that friend because she'll just be watching me.. So I don't want to spend time with her now and that may sound awful, but I'll only make her worse if she's with me...

[piscesmom]

I dont understand what your weight is. Can you explain what that means?
A BMI of 20 is normal.

[ThePainNeverDies]

My weight is now 130 lbs. But I want to be better than normal, to me normal is bad because when I used to be a "normal" BMI/weight, I used to get called fat, so by being below average/normal, I will feel better..

[wishfulmuscle]

well hunny im only 5'4" and im 129 pounds and people tell me they would never guess it..(they always guess around 120) just keep in mind that no matter what that scale says, it's how you look and feel in what you're wearing. Don't do it for them, if you're going to do it, do it for you and only you!

[ThePainNeverDies]

I am doing it for me, because I hate the way I look.. Do you have an ED? I feel so bad for what I have said, considering all these other people who are either shorter or thinner than me and weigh the same because it makes them feel fat.. But.. I just think I'm fat you know?

So I'm not saying everyone else who is the same weight is fat.. Just to clear that one up..

[wishfulmuscle]

i wouldnt be here if i didnt.

[ThePainNeverDies]

ok. It's messing quite a few thing up for me now.. which is crap..but im stuck i just cannot eat without feeling fat and like s**t! it's horrid..

[piscesmom]

I know what you mean. I am forcing myself to eat 3 times a day but what I eat is not enough, I am seriously restricting myself and I want to workout as soon as I am done with "dinner". I do, actually. But it is a lousy feeling to have to talk myself into eating. And feeling so fat afterwards. I feel like I am going crazy. I got a call today and I can join an eating disorders support group next week - it meets Wed eves from 6 to 7:30. But I have to wait until next week. And as soon as I hung up the phone I felt like a fake and a phony and that they are going to laugh at me because I am too fat to be anorexic. Even though according to my Dr. I am 10 lbs underweight, I don't see it.
I lost 43 lbs and it is not enough for me, but I have maintained for 7 weeks now so I guess that is progress. When I am battling with the voices in my head so hard against losing "just 5 more pounds" I know maintaining is better than losing but what I know and how I feel are 2 very, very different things. I feel fat.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I don't want to force myself to eat, my boyfriend already makes me feel guilty for not eating by asking if I've hads any dinner or breakfast or lunch and what I'll be having the next time.. And every time is the same I say nothing or whatever and he says "oh" sounding really downhearted..

So I'm forced in that way and now, by threatening to phone a specialist whom I know will just say "we can't do anything unless we speak to her (me)" and then him asking me to and me saying I don't want to and then him getting pissed off, so me feeling guilty.. I have gone and made an appointment with someone from SWEDA and I really, really don't want to go.. I'm just doing it to make him happy.. Yet it's making me miserable.. I swear, I'm starving again tomorrow, because from eating I have blacked out and thrown up twice, without even trying to throw up.. Not good

So, to avoid that, I'm not eating and that way I have an excuse for not eating because I am now ill.