BPD and Romantic Relationships

My diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety (social phobia and general). However, in the past I believe I might have qualified to have BPD. I now only have some traits of BPD, and they are mild. I am not in a relationship right now. I am a lot more mature now, than I used to be though, and would like to be in one. I feel ready. At the same time, I actually do like my freedom and being single isn't so bad. Anyway, my questions are, does having BPD affect your relationship? Can you be in a relationship with BPD? Do your symptoms get worse when you're in a relationship? Does the type of partner you have affect your symptoms?

I'm thinking that if you have your BPD under control and are in therapy, that could help a lot with relationship stuff. Also, I know that not everyone with BPD is the same or has the same symptoms. Me, for instance, I'm not super worried about my partner leaving me. At least, I wasn't with my previous ones. I can be impulsive though, and be bothered by seemingly small issues, and I am worried about how that would play out in a relationship. I would want to get that under control. I am going to be in a DBT group starting mid-summer.

I have never really had a lot of relationships, just two long terms ones, in my lifetime. I have dated a lot.

I see my potential partner being kind, emotionally mature, secure in attachment style, and accepting of me. I probably have an anxious attachment style when it comes to romantic relationships. But I'd say I border on secure and do well communicating. I also don't mind meeting someone with mental health issues. I might even prefer it.

So yeah, those are my questions (and concerns). I'd really like to hear from those who currently have (or have had) healthy relationships and are Borderline. Or those who just know more than me on this. Thanks.

I have BPD, and I can tell you that the answer to each of these questions is yes. However, while I'm very stable and high functioning outside of a relationship, I've never had a stable and healthy relationship so I'm sure I'm not the person you want to hear from. I can say, however, that as I've gotten older my self-awareness has increased quite a bit and I have a pretty decent ability to understand how my actions may affect my relationships (not just romantic ones), even if it is just in hindsight.

Have you talked to your T about it? I find that it's a pretty complicated subject myself.

I've been with my husband for 14 years. I was just diagnosed with BPD last year while inpatient. My husband looked it up as we had never heard of it and said: holy, that is completely you. I had always exhibited symptoms, we just assumed it was a product of childhood trauma. We didn't know it was a thing. Yes I can be very difficult to deal with. My husband has always loved me anyways. With a diagnosis now I'm able to work on identifying and changing my behaviors. I'm in DBT and my husband fully supports me. I feel very fortunate to have been loved all this time with unidentified DBT. He saw the best in me, in spite of my issues and showed me that I was a worthwhile person. Before him everybody ran like heck.

I was diagnosed different things by different doctors over a twenty year old dysfunctional marriage with my husband. Borderline traits, EDD, PTSD, and MDD. Multiple other doctors/therapists said they did not diagnose me with anything. I blew through all these therapists not staying with any for more than several months, taking long breaks in between seeking help again.

With that said, I have had long, happy romantic relationships, short ones that just didn’t click but were not toxic, and some where I was dumped or I ran away. Lots of experience before I met my husband.

We were married nearly 25 years. He was poison for me. I cried an ocean. Now we’ve separated and I am getting up the nerve to divorce him. I am so traumatized, physically broken.

So, IDK if I really have any diagnosis, or if I just had a bad match with him.

I never thought it could have been this bad or I wouldn’t have married him. Had I been diagnosed with BPD first, I may have been too scared to marry and have kids.

I have a great relationship with my three kids and never struggled with them. I loved being a mom.

It takes two to tango and my husband played his role. This wasn’t me alone for sure!

@Tisha: (((Tisha))) Thank you for sharing this with me. Regardless of what your diagnosis is, or isn't, you are right. It takes two to tango. It very well could be that this is not a good match for you, regardless if you have BPD, or not. Even though it is hard (that makes sense!) I personally think you are doing a healthy thing by at least separating. You're spending time away from him and it sounds like you're just doing what's best for you. You've had such indecision and unhappiness with him. I hope you don't feel badly about...like if you do have BPD...I would hope you wouldn't attribute that to your marriage ending, if it does end. Because just because anyone has BPD....I think that should not be all on them, also for my experience with BPD, I have found that 1.) my feelings are completely valid!!! They're just over the top sometimes. I know that some people with BPD have black and white thinking about others. I don't really experience this much so I feel like I can't comment. Anyway, I wish you the best and I think you're doing a healthy thing even though it is scary. It takes two to tango!!! And we're here for you when you need.

@SadGirl: Seeing what you said made me smile and quite happy. Thank you. I love that you are pro DBT. I am planning on joining a group coming up this summer. Yeah, I think that finding someone who loves you for you / me for me, someone accepting, and committed, is key.

@Graystreet: Thanks for your response! I have talked to my T quite a lot about diagnosis stuff. But not at all about being in a relationship while having BPD or BPD traits. She is going on maternity leave very soon. I'll be seeing someone else for 3 months while she's gone (I'm ok with that, met the person, etc, she seems nice). I think you're right, it's a good thing to bring up in therapy!

I didn’t mean any offense. The literature on BPD would have scared me about myself so much I probably wouldn’t have thought I could have relationships and children.

But, I have been a great mom. And I tried to be a great wife.

My husband needed to give me what I needed instead of lying to me and failing me over and over. I made my needs so clear, and I was not unreasonable. I was so easy going about the little things, even about some big things.

I don’t think I have black and white thinking either, and I told that to every psy.

Hey Tisha, I didn't take offense to what you said. thanks for clearing that up for me about the black and white thinking. I hope I did not offend either! Making your needs clear over and over and not having them be met is so frusrating!! Been there.

Yes, it was so frustrating I developed borderline traits! I began hitting myself in the head, stomach, thighs out of severe stress and frustration.

I hung in there for 20 years thinking we could work it out, find some solution, get therapy, maybe it’s all me, maybe it’s him, maybe the house is possessed!

Had I had better self esteem and a better career where I could support myself, I’m sure I would have dumped him.

After all the analyzing, IDK if I have a deep down emotional/intimacy issue and self sabotaged. But my feelings were genuine and uncontrollable. F DBT, listen to your heart.

If I would ever get in another romantic relationship, I would take it very slow in getting to know them really well before falling in love and committing. That way, all the things about someone will be exposed before you get too deep and then you don’t have to get out once you see the bad.

I am married now for 22 years but when i was younger in my 20s, im 57 now, i would fall head over heels in love with different guys. There was one special one who loved me so much he asked me to marry him 2 times but i really did want to marry him, i declined because i knew i had some serious emotional problems and was afraid to bring him into my sick world. Well years later i became stable on my meds and met my husband and married him, after having a child out of wedlock, i was engaged to my sons father first although he was an alcoholic. I am happy everything is the way it is now, my husband is a great helper and understanding of my illness, i feel like a burden although. I know he does not see me as a burden but i feel that way anyway.