Daily Comments #6- Just place to plant your thoughts. No feedback required.

I got nothing......

I am the same way, Castles. lol...... thought? hmmmm ... a thought ... what am I thinking? Absolutely nothing.

I got a lot of thoughts but no one really wants to hear them....






I don't blame you all either- I am tired of my thoughts

(((beauflow))) Send 'em my way I will listen!

I am learning to stand my ground no matter the outcome. I am tired of being my ex's whipping boy. She has her issues and I have mine. I am working on mine and she is working on hers. But I am no longer allowing myself to sulk and get depressed when she feels the need to remind me of my wrongs. I remind her that I gave her all I had; and what I had and who I am was not enough for her.
One day I hope my daughter will understand why we split up. Right now I think she is hurting and I know she does not want anyone to know her parents split...but she is discovering that many of her classmates parents have either split or are on marriage 2 or 3. Hopefully that will give her some measure of comfort.

sleepless again . . . thank you PTSD. and, I have a job interview this afternoon.

My head hurts.

I feel like I am missing something, like there is some knowledge resting just outside my conscious awareness. Something that will cure me. I cannot seem to think of it, it is like it is on the tip of my tongue, the tip of my memory.

Everything, and yes I do mean everything, is either to much or not enough and sometimes both. I feel feverish, like a sick person thrashing around. I yearn for something I cannot have, cannot even define. My yearming, I think, is spiritual as is my ennui. Nothing on this earth can ever truly satiate me--I feel like a hungry ghost.

I am who I am, is that not enough? For me, no, striving is as dear to my masochistic heart as yearning.

I am the proverbial angsty teenager.

I feel caught between the boundaries. Of what? Everything. Who I am and who I am "supposed" to be, where I am and where I want to be, reality and fantasy, God and Beast, thought and emotion, silence and screaming, greatness and madness, birthing a new, more whole and vibrant self and destroying what I have... I lack a sense of home, a sense of center...

I am going to the counselor at my college, but I wish I could go to therapy. I suppose I coulf, but not without drama. I love my parents, but if there is one thing they are it is dramatic. The apple does not fall far away from the tree.

I "struggle" with envy. I am an enneagram 4, so I am not surprised, yet my envy is rarely for thing s I could own nor for friends I do not have--my envy is for the freedom others seem to have. Seem to have, I am lucid enough of my envy to realize that things are not always as they seem. Yet surely there one, one individual in one class of mine who a great deal freer than me, at least from the particulsr ways I have bound myself? I choose most everything, I know. I envy the spontaneous appearance some give off. Like they are natural, real, here and now. I am nothing if not inhibited, by my self no less.

I have ways of keeping myself "apart" from my experience, my life, myself and I float, then complain that indo not connect withmlife and people and I fear, sometimes, not even myself.

I wish I were comfortable being honest about my feelings, about myself. Speak my truth, you know? I wish I could just BE, not have to constantly make a story, a narrative out of everything and wring it for every last bit of meaning about my self to chew on and identify with. In truth, I could; however, I am afraid were this condtant stream were to stop, I would cease. Moreso ever than if I lost my body. I think therefore I am.

My nose appreciates the smell of food again but my stomach isn't feeling the love yet

The price of gas sucks horribly right now, and since I live in such a rural area, I have to drive everywhere! Cost me like $55 to fill up this weekend

Got my tattoo date wrong. Thought it was today but it is tomorrow instead. So Thursday I get the tattoo. Back to nervous belly again.

I dont understand how living here equals feeling flat and whatever, back to the apartment grind so I can get back to feeling excited, motivated, etc...

How do I say this?

How do I say what I feel without sounding like an attention-seeker? I want; I need, to talk about my experiences, my sense of losing my mind.

There are limits to the rational mind and truth is paradoxical, Reality and unreality are two sides of the same coin. Anything that is imagined exists in some form or another, even illusions because thought forms are real forms, just less dense than physical forms, There is no such thing as the chair I am sitting in, the though form of chair makes it real. There are spinning particles that vibrate densely enough to make an arbitrary boundary of chair and not-chair, but chair only exists in my head. By some voodoo-magic of physics I am supported by the chair, but at the same time I am floating, perhaps vibrating at a different speed? The meaning of it, my interpretation gives rise to reality. And so it is for you.

I read somewhere, in some report on science, that we may never touch anything, just empty space colliding. Consciousness holds reality together and once you see through that, just an itty bitty bit, reality begins to decompensate. It seems funny, like we are all actors in a play. Like this is not real. Like the Tao has “split” us off as our own individual things and reality too (for all matter is conscious—you can see that in religious texts, the rocks would rejoice for Christ—something like that) and we are all interacting with other aspects of ourselves. Like the dreamer interacts with other aspects of dream,-state reality. The body and the chair are the same, even as they are different.

My eyes are cameras taking pictures, deconstructing and reconstructing information in less than a second and categorizing it, making meaning, giving it a name . I can never actually see anything, I only perceive a picture. And just like the picture I have of my dead uncle (when he was living) is not my uncle, so too are my eye-pictures not the thing itself, which is not to say that it cannot be valid, it could be completely accurate and useful, but it would not be it. Just like watching a music video only creates a likeness of the singer, and does not bring the singer herself into my home.

Even touch isn’t “real”. The nerves in my fingers are sending electrical impulses up to my brain which are being interpreted, again instantly or nearly, as feeling. My feelings are my own, they are not reality.

I stay up late everyday researching, contemplating, daydreaming… I am going to think myself mad. I am not yet mad; I know this because I still have insight. I still know that my interpretation of reality is my own and may not necessarily reflect reality; however, who is to say that the majority perception is any better?

I think some people are fillers, not people I interact with at any level, but some people I see are not sharing my reality. They live in their own parallel. I can feel when reality shifts, I can feel when I go from parallel to another and I have to wonder how many I’s there are? I can see how this takes place in my head, but I am not good at drawing. It is like a stream.

I do not know whether to post this, I want someone, anyone to know my thoughts. It is alienating to keep your thoughts to yourself, to live in a private reality. And that is what I have done, I hate identified with the internal world as primary and the external as secondary (and perhaps unstable and unknowable), whereas I see, when I go to class al these kids who identify with the outside. I cannot speak to how identified they are with their inner worlds, but I bet it is less than me. That used to be a mark of pride, perhaps it still is—I am deeper, more reflective and contemplative and self-aware, an old soul.

I am trying to let go of the idea that there is something wrong with me. I am who I am. I am that I am.

It irks me that people so easily call women derogatory names. I feel sad at the end of the day after hearing my coworker take the Lord's name in vain all day long, day in and day out. If I could wear earplugs my day would go better. The next time you're tempted to call a woman -- any woman -- a derogatory name, please stop and consider not doing that.

i'm not quite ready to let go of my pdoc just yet... she's leaving soon

WTF is wrong with me? :/

My daughters are arriving tonight and will be here for a week! I hope I can show them a good time and be happy while they're here; somehow make the most of it.

How I feel today

I GOT MY TATTOO TODAY

I feel crappy and depressed and im thinking too much

I don't know if I'm doing wrong to post today, I've been telling myself I should stay away. Don't know what I want to do.

if you had a hard day........watch this......if not make make your day even better

Here is a song I have to listen to from time to time to motivate me and raise my spirits...hope it helps you out

Bon Jovi
Keep The Faith

YouTube

I was feeling really productive over the past couple of days until it came time to break out the tax returns.....I thought it would take an hour or so, silly me!! forms are giving me a headache