[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

For me, I'm easy to forgive someone if they say/do something that hurts my feelings if it wasn't unintentional. Especially if they don't know what I'm sensitive about. I guess the dangerous thing is, if I love someone, I'm more likely to forgive something intentional. I don't know about within the confines of a relationship or not since I've never been in one (I'm always the girl on the side), maybe it would be different? I wouldn't be trying to become the "main girl", so maybe I wouldn't so easily forgive someone who implies that I'm fat when they know that I used to weight 50+ pounds more and "I am fat" has been drilled into my head enough that hearing someone imply that makes me see myself only as fat again, even when I'm visibly still losing weight.

Another weird thing (at least I think it's weird) is that the last guy I had feelings for (which at the time felt like love) reminded me disturbingly of my own dad. I mean, I know that has happened to other people, but still…

And he gave me the affection that I always wanted from somebody…anybody. It's difficult to have to give that up not knowing if I'll ever experience it again.

First ... CONGRATULATIONS! 50+ lbs is a huge accomplishment!

Now onto other matters. As children, we're basically a blank slate. A little mind of mold to mush ... or something like that. So we see how people should interact through our parents and base our thoughts on what a correct relationship is on that. We also learn how to interact in the same way. So a father models what men "should" act like and how they "should" be interacted with for their daughters and sons.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but it can be seen in a child from a single parent. That parent may do EVERYTHING right, but the child has never been able to day-after-day interact with a member of the opposite sex from their parent and thus tends to have some difficulty in that interaction. (This is a generalization obviously, but a trend.)

So, when as Alone & Confused stated, we tend to marry our Mother/Father, it's because very early in life we based our foundation of what a relationship should be like based on our parents. Our mind tends to want to stick with what it knows so we naturally drift toward people that may look or act like our parent. Thus the reason negative things like abuse tend to turn into a legacy.

As far as the forgiving goes, once you're in a strong relationship what you should probably find is that when you're hurt for some reason, you can immediately address the problem. You can tell your partner that they hurt you and then you two can work it out. It's not about just letting things slide, but effective communication. You'll always forgive, but instead of just letting it go, you'll work though it in a healthy way.

And the right guy won't imply anything. He won't tell you you can't cut your hair because he expects you to have long hair, he won't tell you how to wear your makeup and he won't tell or imply that you're fat. He'll love you in your baggy pajamas with bedhead and whatever your body shape is. Those guys are out there, they're just a pain to dig up. They're not all taken, but they're hiding under a rock and can be difficult to drag out into the sunlight.

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

((I am....))
Ok. Im terribly sick, & have had 2 or 3 drinks to help me sleep, but I'm going to TRY to help. Sorry if I don't make any real sense right now! My head is so congested it feels like a balloon! ( I'll reread this tomorrow and see if I made any sense!)
Ok, it's good that you are the forgiving type. People who anger you or hurt you, Control you with your own thoughts, emotions, bitterness & whatever.
There is a saying that " men marry their mothers, and women marry their fathers". My father was an
alcoholic, and so were both at my husbands, so there may be some truth to that. Problem is, whether or notyou had a "good" father or say, an abusive one. If you had a good father, there's nothing wrong with your man giving you the same feeling of "love & comfort" that you feel with your dad. But if you had a bad relationship with your father, you might want to steer clear of men like that. And there are way too many men in the world to right them ALL off. Albeit the good ones are hard to find. And as far as anyone telling you you're fat....how do YOU see yourself? Don't let anyone define who & what you are! Confidence in faith in yourself can be the most attractive asset sometimes. I'm not talking "arrogance",
but just having faith in yourself & knowing who you are and your self worth.

My dad was extremely emotionally unavailable and is always right. In fact, even if you agree with him, he'll find a way to argue anyway sometimes.

The thing is, I would never want to marry someone like my dad…that would be miserable. I'd never get to have feelings or my own opinions. And I'd just keep my needs and feelings to myself.

I actually find it difficult to express needs (even simple physical needs) unless asked. A lot of times things are told through non-verbal communication.

How does one come to know who they are and develop self-worth if they weren't raised with it?

Originally Posted by Webgoji

As far as the forgiving goes, once you're in a strong relationship what you should probably find is that when you're hurt for some reason, you can immediately address the problem. You can tell your partner that they hurt you and then you two can work it out. It's not about just letting things slide, but effective communication. You'll always forgive, but instead of just letting it go, you'll work though it in a healthy way.

And the right guy won't imply anything. He won't tell you you can't cut your hair because he expects you to have long hair, he won't tell you how to wear your makeup and he won't tell or imply that you're fat. He'll love you in your baggy pajamas with bedhead and whatever your body shape is. Those guys are out there, they're just a pain to dig up. They're not all taken, but they're hiding under a rock and can be difficult to drag out into the sunlight.

The problem is that I don't immediately address the problem if the other person doesn't realize something is wrong. I guess that could be because I'm still trying to get them to like me or become more than just the girl on the side. I spent almost a whole night once trying really hard not to move and if I did, do so very carefully so as not to wake up the other person.

I would also expect someone to have opinions on what looks the best on me. I mean, that's human. I mean, I may not share my opinions, but then I also try not to inconvenience someone else by sharing my needs either, so that's not really a surprise.

So, I'd almost have to be with someone who's highly perceptive…although I've been told I'm pretty easy to figure out/read by some people. But part of this came from growing up…my mom just figured out what I needed/wanted without me saying anything.

That being said, I can communicate when given permission (i.e. someone asks me what's wrong etc.).

I would be completely fine with being treated badly if I could just be the only girl once…I'm not sure if I could trust someone who wasn't emotionally/psychologically abusive because then they're hiding something much much worse. At least with guys…sorry, I don't trust guys who aren't trying to hurt me in some way…whenever I do, I find out later that I shouldn't have trusted them in the first place.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

My dad was extremely emotionally unavailable and is always right. In fact, even if you agree with him, he'll find a way to argue anyway sometimes.

The problem is that I don't immediately address the problem if the other person doesn't realize something is wrong. I guess that could be because I'm still trying to get them to like me or become more than just the girl on the side. I spent almost a whole night once trying really hard not to move and if I did, do so very carefully so as not to wake up the other person.

I would also expect someone to have opinions on what looks the best on me. I mean, that's human. I mean, I may not share my opinions, but then I also try not to inconvenience someone else by sharing my needs either, so that's not really a surprise.

So, I'd almost have to be with someone who's highly perceptive…although I've been told I'm pretty easy to figure out/read by some people. But part of this came from growing up…my mom just figured out what I needed/wanted without me saying anything.

That being said, I can communicate when given permission (i.e. someone asks me what's wrong etc.).

I would be completely fine with being treated badly if I could just be the only girl once…I'm not sure if I could trust someone who wasn't emotionally/psychologically abusive because then they're hiding something much much worse. At least with guys…sorry, I don't trust guys who aren't trying to hurt me in some way…whenever I do, I find out later that I shouldn't have trusted them in the first place.

It seems you have quite a bit of insight into the issue. Although it looks like there is a dead-on connection between your dad and the men you talk about. It certainly sounds like you past really has burned you badly and I don't blame you for not trusting. The best predictor of what will happen is what has happened in the past so I agree that you need to be careful.

I wish I had more to offer other than to say, you deserve better and when you're ready, there's better out there for you.

It's enough to just say that it's reasonable to be cautious because of my past experiences. Most people think that's wrong and that I should just pretty much trust people blindly because "not everyone is like that". Not everyone may actually be like that, but in my experience they pretty much have been, so it makes sense to assume the next person will be until proven otherwise.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

Has anyone else observed that people who work in mental health might be the most likely to turn a blind eye to it in "real" life?

No......but you've given me something to think about.

[marko123]

I don't have that particular prob either but will help if ican

Hey, it's me again…

I was wondering if anyone else had experience with not only not being able to achieve goals in life (even ones that are common for other people to achieve), but not knowing how to even get started…I've tried virtually everything I know…

And it's even weirder because I can easily achieve goals that the vast majority of people can't accomplish, it's just the normal goals that I apparently can't achieve. People just say I'm extremely unlucky…but there's something else missing.

And since my inability to achieve life goals that most other people can (well, actually, ALL other people in my position could achieve) is clearly what causes my long-term depression, why do I take anti-depressants? One of them helps with anxiety so that explains that, but in the long run the side effects makes it even more impossible to achieve simple goals, in effect making me even more depressed. So what do I choose, anxiety or depression?

[Alone & confused]

[QUOTE=I.Am.The.End.;3643458]Hey, it's me again…

I was wondering if anyone else had experience with not only not being able to achieve goals in life (even ones that are common for other people to achieve), but not knowing how to even get started…I've tried virtually everything I know…

And it's even weirder because I can easily achieve goals that the vast majority of people can't accomplish, it's just the normal goals that I apparently can't achieve. People just say I'm extremely unlucky…but there's something else missing.

And since my inability to achieve life goals that most other people can (well, actually, ALL other people in my position could achieve) is clearly what causes my long-term depression, why do I take anti-depressants? One of them helps with anxiety so that explains that, but in the long run the side effects makes it even more impossible to achieve simple goals, in effect making me even more depressed. So what do I choose, anxiety or depression?

Darlin' maybe you're an "over achiever", and the mundane tasks aren't challenging enough for you so you over complicate them.

There's a friend who doesn't talk to me anymore, we run into each other all the time, he acts like I'm some kind of ghost, like I don't exist, he doesn't even acknowledge my existence, let alone talk to me.

We used to be close, or at least, I thought I was close to him. I told him things I don't tell to most people. Now I feel cheated, I wish I could take back all the things I've told him.

I have repeatedly tried to make it up to him, I even apologized and said "You know what, maybe it's all my fault". What else can I say or do? He shoots down all my attempts at reconciliation, he just shrugs it off.

Other people have told me "Why does his friendship matter to you so much, forget about him?". I can't really find an answer to that.

I don't know what else I can do.

[Webgoji]

I can only saw from my own perspective, but I would keep him in your heart, but give him time. Whatever happened, time will tell how it goes. I would be there if he comes around, but I wouldn't push for fear of creating resentment.

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

No......but you've given me something to think about.

have seen this before, to some degree. May be coping mechanism??

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by brokenentity

There's a friend who doesn't talk to me anymore, we run into each other all the time, he acts like I'm some kind of ghost, like I don't exist, he doesn't even acknowledge my existence, let alone talk to me.

We used to be close, or at least, I thought I was close to him. I told him things I don't tell to most people. Now I feel cheated, I wish I could take back all the things I've told him.

I have repeatedly tried to make it up to him, I even apologized and said "You know what, maybe it's all my fault". What else can I say or do? He shoots down all my attempts at reconciliation, he just shrugs it off.

Other people have told me "Why does his friendship matter to you so much, forget about him?". I can't really find an answer to that.

I don't know what else I can do.

sorry to hear this, know it's painful, experienced for myself. Just try to focus on other things, other folks, whatever works for you, keep trying!! Never give up! Peace!!!!

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by anneo59

have seen this before, to some degree. May be coping mechanism??

Possibly, or maybe they don't like to "take their work home with them" so-to-speak?

[CaptainKirk]

These days it seems like it's all just falling apart. I've been studying nearly all day every day and still my grades suck, with the exception of some classes with very very lenient teachers... If I can only get a decent grade with a super lenient teacher, what am I even doing in college...?

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by CaptainKirk

These days it seems like it's all just falling apart. I've been studying nearly all day every day and still my grades suck, with the exception of some classes with very very lenient teachers... If I can only get a decent grade with a super lenient teacher, what am I even doing in college...?

Dude, I've completely been there. I fought for 6 years to get my 2.85 GPA and should have done something different with my life.

Where are you at in your classes? Are you a junior or senior? Can you take a look at your major and decide if it's for you or maybe you would be suited better to something else?

Also, take a look at how you study and is there something there you can do differently? Maybe all day every day is too much? Maybe if you limit it to 4 hours every day so you can get some rest you'll do better? Maybe you would do better in a study group or alone?

Believe me, college is super-difficult, but you can get through it. It might just be where you're going or how you're getting there that's the issue.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by CaptainKirk

These days it seems like it's all just falling apart. I've been studying nearly all day every day and still my grades suck, with the exception of some classes with very very lenient teachers... If I can only get a decent grade with a super lenient teacher, what am I even doing in college...?

Because you're TRYING sweetheart! The only way you can Truely fail in life is to stop trying! Keep at it. You'll get there! Do your best and don't sweat the rest! I have faith in you. If you're like me, putting too much pressure on yourself only sets up a "mental" road block. IF I can manage to relax my stress levels a bit, it's easier for me to process new ideas & information. And the HARDER I have to Work at something, the MORE I learn from it.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

Dude, I've completely been there. I fought for 6 years to get my 2.85 GPA and should have done something different with my life.

Where are you at in your classes? Are you a junior or senior? Can you take a look at your major and decide if it's for you or maybe you would be suited better to something else?

Also, take a look at how you study and is there something there you can do differently? Maybe all day every day is too much? Maybe if you limit it to 4 hours every day so you can get some rest you'll do better? Maybe you would do better in a study group or alone?

Believe me, college is super-difficult, but you can get through it. It might just be where you're going or how you're getting there that's the issue.

Hi Webgoji! Are you stalking me again?? Lol seems like I run into everywhere!

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

Hi Webgoji! Are you stalking me again?? Lol seems like I run into everywhere!

Stalking is such a pointed word. I prefer "Proximity Challenged"

Webgoji is many, for I am legion.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

Stalking is such a pointed word. I prefer "Proximity Challenged"

Webgoji is many, for I am legion.

Lol. Call it whatever you choose.....It's Always good to see you!

[anna_goth27]

I too feel like everything is about to fall apart. I am emotionally drained, physically tired and mentally overwhelmed. And it ALL has to do with work and I hate it because I never thought it would be like this.

I feel like everything that is supposed to be good that will come into my life is an illusion just waiting to be shattered by my stupidity. I feel like the worst person in the world and I am finding it very hard to shake that feeling. I feel like I am about to walk into another potentially painful situation and I feel so alone, despite having reached out to numerous friends and concerned persons that are trying to encouraging me to keep pushing despite the outcome. I am trying sooo hard to be positive but its so difficult because I feel like I have inadvertently created a damaging reputation for myself, and all I just want is for people to understand me. To understand that despite it all I am not a bad person and I don't like hurting/lying to people. And it hurts me that one of the person's I trusted in and believed in the most, is the very person who is showing me that maybe she never really understood.

[yumi]

I've been inpatient several times and it has always been the same....about a week in and then they let me go. Why? Why was I not listened to , especially the last times when I was very clear I was not ready? I don't understand the dismissing I really needed longer term help. Why are doctors so dismissing? Why is there this standard one week program? Why was I let go, assigned to outpatient care that I could not possibly afford to do? I then become the bad guy for not following thru, but honestly, I could not afford it.
Why is it not affordable? Why are we released when we are not ready? I will never understand these things.
After an attempt on my life the first time, I was inpatient. They scare us into thinking it is a BAD thing that we will be held inpatient for months on end. Everyone around me, including myself were scared so bad thinking this would be a bad thing. For me, I wish they did keep me for months. Perhaps it could have rehabilitated me to a better place. Why use fear? Why encourage us to say we are ready to leave? Why the fear??
I hate so much that the system is all about money. We are human. Are we not worth more than currency? I certainly got the message that we are not.
I'm really down with humanity. I don't know how to think or even feel anymore.
What just kills me, is my children deserve a healthy mother. So, not only have I been robbed, but they have been robbed as well. That's the part I can't get over....they really deserve a healthy mom.

[Alone & confused]

I know how you feel Yumi! I have given up on my health care so-called "professionals". They get their info from books & professors and such, but unless you HAVE an illness, you can't fully understand what it's like to LIVE with it or really understand it! Much less call yourself an " authority" on the matter, or know how to "help" anyone! I think all too often the Doctors are the only ones who benefit from our treatments! I'm sure there are still some who genuinely care about their patients, but , for me at least, I've felt more like a "paycheck" than a person. It shouldn't be that way! I often wish I could go to med school & become a Dr. with some compassion!

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

I know how you feel Yumi! I have given up on my health care so-called "professionals". They get their info from books & professors and such, but unless you HAVE an illness, you can't fully understand what it's like to LIVE with it or really understand it! Much less call yourself an " authority" on the matter, or know how to "help" anyone! I think all too often the Doctors are the only ones who benefit from our treatments! I'm sure there are still some who genuinely care about their patients, but , for me at least, I've felt more like a "paycheck" than a person. It shouldn't be that way! I often wish I could go to med school & become a Dr. with some compassion!

Your quotation marks button is stuck ... ""

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by anna_goth27

I too feel like everything is about to fall apart. I am emotionally drained, physically tired and mentally overwhelmed. And it ALL has to do with work and I hate it because I never thought it would be like this.

I feel like everything that is supposed to be good that will come into my life is an illusion just waiting to be shattered by my stupidity. I feel like the worst person in the world and I am finding it very hard to shake that feeling. I feel like I am about to walk into another potentially painful situation and I feel so alone, despite having reached out to numerous friends and concerned persons that are trying to encouraging me to keep pushing despite the outcome. I am trying sooo hard to be positive but its so difficult because I feel like I have inadvertently created a damaging reputation for myself, and all I just want is for people to understand me. To understand that despite it all I am not a bad person and I don't like hurting/lying to people. And it hurts me that one of the person's I trusted in and believed in the most, is the very person who is showing me that maybe she never really understood.

Unfortunately, some of us have that luck (or karma or whatever you want to call it) that even if we found the largest diamond in the world, we would end up in jail for endangering a koala or something. It's like life is a long stream of nonsense, lost opportunities and headaches for us.

I know it doesn't seem so, but everything ebbs and flows. Eventually it will turn around for you; maybe not today, maybe not next month, but eventually it will come around. Until then, we're there for you.

[anna_goth27]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

Unfortunately, some of us have that luck (or karma or whatever you want to call it) that even if we found the largest diamond in the world, we would end up in jail for endangering a koala or something. It's like life is a long stream of nonsense, lost opportunities and headaches for us.

I know it doesn't seem so, but everything ebbs and flows. Eventually it will turn around for you; maybe not today, maybe not next month, but eventually it will come around. Until then, we're there for you.

Thank you. I am trying to stay positive and do my best to keep my head above water by not allowing things (especially my coworker) get to me. I know Ive tried my best when it comes to my work and everyone is entitled to mistakes. And I also know that I never had done anything with malicious intent, despite what anyone thinks. Its just really a matter right now of trying to forgive myself more so than forgive them because I honestly dont blame her for being mad. I blame myself for making her mad. I wish that since I started of following instructions (and therefore lying by omission) that I had just continued lying and not allowed my emotions at that split second to get the best of me and make me confess.

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