Dealing w/ Anniversaries

On April 20th, it will be the 1 year anniversary of my brother's death. He died unexpectantly from complications of a prior suicide attempt> He was just gone....
I lost another brother to suicide when I was 14 years old and he was 18 yrs old. He blew himself away 2 days before Christmas...he was my favorite brother & it took me until my own 18th birthday to finally acknowledge, grieve and accept his death.....

This brother is named John...I don't know how to deal with this "anniversary" because this time I couldn't deal w/ going to the funeral. This brother was 46 years old and I have loved him for my 43 years on this earth. The love was longer...and I think that's making this so hard. I haven't accepted his death yet. I was sober for 5 years, until I "got the call" I haven't been able to stay sober for more than 2 weeks since then. My eating disorders came back. And my own chronic suicidal ideations came back and continue....

I feel I would be dishonoring his "passing" by drinking; considering he was also slowly dying from his chronic alcoholism...but I don't know how to accept or "honor" his passing.

There is a gigantic black sucking hole in my heart My life's energy feels like it's draining.
I come from a very dysfunctional family; I cannot count on them, they just tell me to "snap out of it"

How do you get through the first "anniversary? I'm just feeling as "gone" as he is.....

Any ideas? RSVP?

(((((((((((((DAYZEE))))))))))))))))))

dayzee,

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is very hard to acknowledge and accept death, especially when it comes so unexpectedly and when a person is still fairly young.

I lost a sister 7 years ago, she was my oldest sibling, she was 51 and would not take care of herself due to depression and alcoholism. She also had a physical illness(diabetes) but wouldn't do the proper things to keep herself healthy. Anyway, I had one thing from her - a delicious fruit salad recipe- so, every February 22, or around there, I make the " Luana" salad in remembrance of her. Maybe your brother had a favorite food you could have, or a favorite movie you could watch.

If you need to talk you can send me a PM anytime. Warm thoughts are sent your way.

Mandy

I am sorry for your loss.

I don't have any answer but I know the hurt. You probably know what your brother enjoyed in this life. I'm sure he liked something. We all do even with depression. Maybe on this day you could do what he liked to do or eat his favorite meal in honor of your love for him. I don't really know. I'm just giving you some ideas, just because I hear you and I care.

Take care dear precious {{{{{{{{{{{{Dayzee}}}}}}}}}}}}

nightdream

I think that having a special ceremony would be a lovely way to honor your brother. You could be alone, or with your husband, or you could invite a couple of your best freinds to join you. Just have people who would understand. You could say that you were so upset at the time, that you didn't really get to process the funeral, and you'd like another chance. You could go to his gravesite, or to a pretty place in the woods. Read poetry, the bible, whatever would be appropriate for him and you. You could light a candle, release a balloon with a message, plant a tree, lots of different things. Or, simply be together and talk about him...just send him your love.

I think ceremonies are very healing.

Post here too, and we can be part of your ceremony.

Take care. emmy

Dayzee,
I saw this post yesterday and wanted to reply but didnt really know what to say. I am so sorry for your loss. i cant begin to imagine how difficult is was for you to lose your brothers. It's unimaginable.
I am dealing with an anniversary of my own and not sure how to deal with it myself. My Uncle passed away a year ago on March 23. He was also my God father. I dont know what I could do to honor him other then living each day to my fullest potential. Giving 100% of myself. Being the good person that he wants me to be. I know he still watches over all of us and that is comforting to me. I hope that he looks down upon me with pride. He was a truely beautiful person that made an impact on my life and the lives of all of his friends and family.
I think that the suggestions that the others have made are great. A ceromony of some sort to send tribute to your brothers sounds like a good idea. I hope that you can find serenity through this difficult time. I know that it is not easy.
If you need someone to lean on, we are here. I am here. Take care and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

dayzee, if you drink because of the remembering your loss of a loved one, then you are attempting to avoid the pain you feel inside. healing takes time, however, drinking won't speed up the healing process -- most likely drinking will make things worse since alcohol is a CNS depressant. some things you cannot control--you cannot change to past. what you can do is nice things for yourself on the anniversary or any time you feel the pain from the loss of your bros. your bros would want the best for you. (((((huggs))))