[eskielover]

I am having such a hard time with this.....sitting here crying & just can't stop. This is on top of an anxiety attack b & nausea that just won't go away even with the valium my pdoc gave me to help me get through this time. I never thought I would have this kind of reaction but I just can't seem to handle the feelings I am having right now. I feel like I am frozen & just can't function. I am finding that my mind is allowing everything that I saw & experienced last year to flood back in.

I was with my Mother about 2 hours before she died, & was holding her hand telling her that it was ok to die. I told her that all the struggling she was doing to try to hang on wasn't what God wanted for her. I told her that the unknown had to be more wonderful than what she was experiencing at the time. There were so many things I tried to say in the time I had left with her. I never thought that I would be the one telling her that it was time for her to die. She always told me that she was ready to die when ever the time came......but guess she was quite wrong when it came to the real thing.

I guess I knew that she was going to die or at least that she would die before I ever got a chance to see her again because my GP was putting me into the hospital to try to get the eating problem under control. I went down to the hospital where my Mother had been is (because that was where my GP practiced also). The next morning, I got a call telling me that my Mother had died just after I had left.

All of the visions that I had while being with her almost 24/7 while the cancer was spreading throughout her body are so vivid in my mind, it is like it is happening again. I had no support from anyone.....no one even said that the cancer was spreading, it was only what I was observing & there was no one there so help me handle the feeling I was going through. I wasn't strong enough to deal with it & when I end up that stressed out, my eating is the first thing that goes away.

I know it is over.....it happened last year, but I am just not making it through this year much better than last.

I just want to curl up under my covers, take enough meds to knock me out so my mind can't think of anything & make it all go away. I just can't handle feeling the way I am feeling. No horses, no dogs, nothing is helping me get through these memories......I just want it to all go away.

The sad part is that I don't even have good memories to look back on that can help either, & I just can't handle it any more.

Debbie

[eskielover]

I just called my pdoc & his suggestion is to go into the hospital for a few days to get more intense help. He doesn't practice in the hospital anymore but still has priviledges at one of the hospitals. He said he would make an exception in my case & go there to help me....& since my psychologist will be back on Friday, he said he could have my psychologist be there too.

I hate the feeling of being in a psych ward......so much different than in the medical ward......& I have avoided being in a psych ward for over 6 years, but I am feeling to horrible even that doesn't sound as bad a when I would absolutely avoid it.

Not sure what to do cause home is really messed up right now too. But feel like I just want to get away from everything right now. I haven't felt this horrible for years & hate feeling this way now.

We will discuss it more at my appointment with him tonight.

Debbie

[Lexicon78]

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain right now. I've been where you have been. I had to watch my mom die from cancer day in and day out. I stayed with her pretty much until the end. I was with her every waking moment that I had as soon as I found out her cancer was terminal. I hated seeing her in such a state of helplessness since she was always the strong, independent one.

If you need someone to talk to more about this, or about anything else, I'm here for you.

[eskielover]

Thank you Lexicon,
I think that going through watching someone (especially a parent) dying of cancer is the worst think I have ever experienced. It was so hard because no one (not even the Dr's) would admit that she was dying.....it was only something that I knew in my own mind as I watched her go downhill so quickly. I am sure that your being there 24/7 had to be as hard on you as it was on me. I just can't get those sights out of my mind or the cries of pain that no meds could even handls. Then there was my Mother who couldn't even sit up in her hospital bed but was telling the nurses how well she could get around with her walker. She had no idea of what reality was at the end & non of the Dr were honest with her about what was going on with her. She constantly told me that the Dr's would tell her what she needed to know......guess for some reason, they didn't think she needed to know she was dying. I was in the worst position since I knew what was happening by ovservation because on one was honest with me either.

I just can't get these visions out of my mind there isn't any meds that can help me take away the hurt away. I thought I could be strong enough to handle this......but that was wishfull thinking & even my horses & dogs who always try to help me aren't able to help this time.

The tears just keep flowing,
Debbie

[Lexicon78]

I know what you mean. Yeah, we found out 2 weeks before my mom died that she had cancer. She was complaining of being in a lot of pain and that she was always tired. But she did work 3 jobs and handled so much. She kept thinking that she was suffering from gallbladder attacks all the time for so many years. She had no medical insurance and made too much to get welfare so she had to go without seeing a doctor.

It was so awful near the end. Like mom slept on a couch for awhile until hospice came in. Then she had that hospital bed and all those meds to try to make her comfortable, but it didn't help. Seeing her deteriorate each day was awful. Her mind had left even before she died because the cancer went to her brain. It was awful. I still remember the position she died in and the way she looked and everything. She was originally a thin woman, by in the end she was so frail and unbelievable thin.

As I think of all this, tears are running down my face. It still hurts. It's like I'll never be the same. Maybe together we can start to heal from this, though.

[eskielover]

Lexicon,

It is amazing how vivid those memories are of what the suffering they went through is like. I just can't get it out of my head....& knowing that her mind was gone but no one else would acknowledge it.

It is so sad watching minute by minute the realization of what they are going through. I guess the only thing that I may feel good about is that I don't think she even knew that the cancer had spread because her mind was so full of cancer that she couldn't comprehend what was happening to her. I only wish that everyone had been wise enough to have the hospice care long before the 5 days before she died. She & I both needed that support & it just wasn't there.

I just can't keep the tears away & am having such a rough time. I feel like I should be strong enough to handle this......I have always been the strong one that takes care of everything.....only now I am falling appart & feel so out of control I don't know what to do other than let my pdoc do what he thinks is best for me.

I always have to be in control of myself & it isn't easy to let someone else determine what I need to do. But I am feeling more & more helpless, just wanting someone to make the decisions in my life because my mind is no longer thinking rationally.

It sure does seem like we have gone through similar experiences & feelings that continue to hurt us......It you would like to PM me, I would appreciate hearing about others experiences & how you are trying to handle what you are now feeling. I know how hard it is for me, I am sure it is very hard for you too.

Take care & PM me when you feel like it......I know talking about it seems to bring back all the horible memories.....hopefully some day it will not be as bad.

Thank you,
Debbie

for you both. xoxox pat

[LMo]

Debbie... I know the pain you feel. My mom died from cancer after a 6 month illness when I was 15. My dad travelled out of town M-F so I was alone to take care of her that summer. That was more than 20 years ago but the images are still pretty vivid.

I wish you peace. Your mother is in a better place now. Good luck at the hospital, ok?

[red_rose]

I know just how you feel .I lost my mother almost a year ago do to cancer. I think back at won't my mother has tough me an I put it to everyday that she has be gone.I take one day at a time and think about the good things and that gets me trough the days that are hard,There have be many times I wish she was here for advice,Then I think about what she has told me and I go from there. We wil always missed them but they remain in our hearts forever and they are always with you sometimes you just don't know it ,but they are. Sometimes it helps to write things down or this may sound silly but it works talk to a stuff toy ,My sister is getting help through Hospice and the sugged the stuff toy to help with my mother death. Anything i can do this drop and e mail.
Red_rose

[bebop]

eskie I know how you feel. My mom died almost 13 yrs ago and I have to say it was horrible. After the first yr things do start easing up a bit. Not sure why but it does. I had horride visions of her dying for a long time. I thought I would lose my mind. Even now at times I see her face as she was dying. Try to keep as busy as you can and know that things will get better. (((U)))