[dottie]

This is haunting me like a predator that stalks its prey. I cannot believe that he is gone. I just cannot. I am hoping to join a bereavement group. But will that really help me? I tried that after my husbands death years ago..and it did not help me. It's always with me. How can I let go!!!???

dottie
Lord..I wish that I could bring him back!

But will that really help me?

It seems like you really need to give it a try.

I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is. I really do.

(( dottie ))

[(JD)]

[wisewoman]

dottie, alking with others does help, unfortunately grieving is in it's own time. Do you see a T?

[wisewoman]

dottie, talking with others does help, unfortunately grieving is in it's own time. Do you see a T?

[dottie]

There is a group that deals with grieving at the same clinic where I see my p-doc. I am afraid that if I join..I will just get more depressed. That's what happened after my husband died. I went to Kaiser Hospital for group therapy. I quit as my depression seemed to worsen.

Maybe time is the only answer for me. I am also sad because I was not there to give CPR to him. And I am angry at his girlfriend who is an alcoholic...and very destructive. She sat on the couch drinking as usual..while my brother was dying in bed. She was a trained and state certified nursing asst. The only thing she assisted in was driving my brother to drink even more. His stress level was way up and so was his blood pressure. Hell surely is meant for people like that. She's mean spirited and had the GALL to call here drunk the day my brother died and she called my brother a filthy name. Well yet another Jerry Springer moment, I guess!

Thanks wisewoman for your input.

[wisewoman]

dottie, maybe you should tell us all about him. How old was he? What was he like? Your anger with the girlfriend, anger with him? All of these things may help to loosen the load as you put him in the light again and share him and your feelings. The best thing that I ever did was learn to cry. I can't do it often but I do on occasion, cry. Used to be I couldn't cry for more then 30 secs due to abuse and such. But really crying over the loss and the pain has been soothing to me. Sharing the stories of my daughter and my dear friend helps me. It's especially cool when I can share them with another who knew them.

It's an invite dottie, tell us all about him, his life, his death, your pain.

[JustAPixie]

((((((((( dottie )))))))))

[DocClyde]

(((dottie)))

I think wisewoman has some sound advice.

I wish I could help, dottie.

[(JD)]

I'm sorry you can't find acceptance yet, but you will. Grief is not a thing to have at the funeral and then it's over, but you know that. There are many stages of grief, and you can go from one to another and back or in a few at the same time... acceptance isn't one of the first usually.

The death of a loved one is tough enough if it's from old age. When there are mitigating circumstances, then of course mourning becomes more complicated.

You brother was an adult. He made choices too. It wasn't all in your hands or for you to decide.

Tell us more about how you are feeling, ok?

[Ganesha]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
dottie said:
This is haunting me like a predator that stalks its prey. I cannot believe that he is gone. I just cannot. I am hoping to join a bereavement group. But will that really help me? I tried that after my husbands death years ago..and it did not help me. It's always with me. How can I let go!!!???

dottie
Lord..I wish that I could bring him back!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
oh god, I so know what you are saying. Death is so final and lasts so very long.
The human mind can't understand this. We keep searching for our beloved who has died.
Last Sunday my nephew died. I am sobbing. there's no way to bring my sister's first born son back. I remember him as a baby...I want him back from the void but there's no way I can do that.
We need to come to a place of understanding and tolerance.
they are gone. We can't bring them back.
It's time to look at our lives and see how they made our lives enriched.
each death has a gift...look for your gift in his death and embrace it.
with love and understanding I send this message
G.

[wisewoman]

Yes, how did that person make our lives richer? Jane only had to love me. What did your bro do? I have several I would give you if I could. Not my choice to make. But you LOVED your brother. Please tell us more.

[hillbunnyb]

oh dottie how i wish i could soften the sharpness off your bitter grief. when i was a very young child, our minister gave a sermon that has stck with me my whole life. It ws about the two saddest word in the Englsh language: "What if?".

Putting yourself in the viscoius circle of what if's around your brother's choices and death is driving you nuts. It was his life in God's hands. We can't know the why's from our earthly perspective...... that's where faith comes in, isn't it? That there is a bigger picture that we can't see, but that all is in order anyway. Hard hard hard.

I feel like letting go is the hardest thing we humans have to learn how to do. On so many fronts. Always in our face one way or another. OwOwOwOwOw I am sooo sorry for your pain.

I agree with the others: Please tell us about him and your childhood together. Let us help you celebrate the good memories he left with you, OK?

[darkeyes]

((((((( dottie ))))))))))))

[anniego]

Dear Grieving Sister,
Perhaps a group support would help you in getting your feelings off your chest. It sounds like you have alot of anger
(justifable) that needs to be vented as well. Besides, because of your experience you have something to give
others whose grief might be newer. Giving to others will help you too and give your brothers death more meaning.
My sister Susan died not quite 3 months ago and in my
desparate search to come to terms with her life and death,
I came to this site this week. Susan was an abusive BPD
who hurt me terribly over this past 20 years. My sweet little sister turned into a cruel monster who hurt everyone that loved her. It's very hard to process her death with such
a turbulent history. It helps to talk about it. Keep posting
and you'll get all the support you need.
Best Wishes,
annie

[bebop]

Dottie first of all I want to tell you I am very sorry for your loss.
Secondly I know you are very angry with his girlfriend and putting alot of blame on her. He made a choice to drink.

My late husband chose to drink himself to death. Nothing I could say or do could stop him. I felt guilty for a very long time after his death for not doing more. I think if you can step back and take a look at his life and his choices you might find some peace.
Please share him with us. We all have strong shoulders to lean on anytime. We love you here. (((((dottie))))