[jlove973]

I Lost my mom less then a week before mothers day. She had been very sick off and on for about 5 years. With reoccurring pneumonia and several blood clots in her lungs. It seemed as if she was in the hospital most the time during the last few years. Well, Since Christmas last year my mom had needed almost total care. She took several meds that she could not keep track of. At the time I left my job to care for her. I basically was her caregiver. Every hour on the hour there was a medication. She kept saying that she felt she was being kept alive with meds. She was on Heparin due to her blood clot's and on other med's due other medical problems.
My mom wasn't feeling well for about a week. Very Dizzy and Disoriented. When myself and my sister would speak with her, she seemed very lost and confused. She said things over and over again. We would have a conversation and then an hour or so would pass and she would start the same conversation over again as if she didn't tell us. When I would say mom you told me that she would say no I didn't. After some time my sister and I gave up and realized something wasn't right. We were losing our mom. She started to get very child like in that last week. Thing's were definitely not the same. She was able to walk to the bathroom, which was about 8 feet away from her bed with the help of myself and a walker. On that day, she didn't ask me for help. She wanted to do it on her own. I was in the other room watching T.V. and I heard a scream and when I went to go look what happened she was on the bathroom floor. Her ankles were so fragile that they both broke. She kept trying to get up and I told her just lay there and I will get help. She went into shock and lost a lot of blood. It was very horrifying what I saw. We went to the hospital. They had to do surgery. While she was waiting for a surgeon she was highly medicated. My mom became very Yellow and cold we thought we were losing her right then and there in the ER. Finally after about 11 hours of losing blood and constant bandage changes it seemed every 5 minutes, a surgeon came and took her away. My mom had the surgery and it seemed all was well. She came out ok. She was very Yellow and cold kind of clammy to touch. She constantly said that she was thirsty. It was hard to see her that way.
Well later on that evening my mom had a heart attack in the recovery room. They had to put her on a monitor and moved her to the ICU. She became stable then it happened again. The DR. said that she would need to have an angioplasty due to 98% blockage in her right valve and her left was 88% clogged as well. So my mom in less then 24 hours had surgery on her ankles and had an angioplasty on her right valve. She was scheduled the following day to have it done on her left one they wanted to give her heart time to recoup from the previous surgery done the evening before. At about 10:00, my sister called me. I had just left the hospital at about 9:15pm. She said my mom had another heart attack and this one was bad. My sister said to prepare for the worst. How do you do that, for me one minute I am talking to her and the next she falls and it became less then 48 hours of agony and pain. One thing after another for my poor Momma. The stress from the ankle surgery the blockage's in her heart (that couldn't just pop-up). They think that's why she was so ill that week. She was dying before are eyes and we didn't even know it. My mom passed that night at 11:45pm. My mom was 68 years young. I felt as if it was my fault, because I was there with her when she had the fall. I just to this day do not understand why my mom didn't ask me for help to get to the bathroom. We were on a clock she always asked me for help, but that day she didn't. WHY? I will never forget my mom. It's been very hard.
We had a viewing because my mom wanted to be cremated. It was very hard.
Now the holidays are coming and we do not know how to deal. I have 7 siblings and many nieces and nephews as well as my own daughter that's 11. They all ask where do we go from here, and all we can do is go forward.
Like I said I still have the guilt and it's eating at me daily will this pain ever go away? How can I numb it?

Mom,
You are loved and truly missed.
Jilene

I'm so sorry. I understand the pain of loss and I know how hard this is for you and your family.

I hope that you find strength from each other and that your heart begins to heal.

Hi Jilene, your post was very moving. I'm very sorry for your loss. But please, do not think that it was your fault. Your mom asked to go to the bathroom alone, no one was to know what could have happened... Thinking of you and your family. ((((( Jilene )))))

[Meta]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I also recently lost my mother and keep going over every detail. I hope you will find some peace. I think it is wonderful that you cared for your mother.

Meta

[jlove973]

Thank you everyone for your warm words. I am so glad that I am here at PC, because you all are so caring, and alot of you can relate to what I am going through. Very incouraging!

Thanks,
Jlove

[Boopers]

Oh Jlove,

I totally know what you are going through. I, too, cared for my Mom the last month of her life. Only your Mom knows why she wanted to go to the bathroom by herself. Don't blame yourself as there was nothing you could do. You are so wonderful for caring for her the way you did. You should be very proud of yourself in knowing you did everything you could to help her.

I hope things will be better for you soon. I know it's going to be really tough through the holidays but know that your Mom will be there with you in spirit.

Sending you lot's of "hugs"!!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jlove)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Linda

[breemarie]

I am sorry that you are having a hard time dealing with the loss of your Mom and I can relate. I lost my mom 8 months ago and I am still very much grieving. I am not dealing with it well at all. I feel very guilty about not being there as much as I should for her or seeing her as often as I should. I moved to another state, within driving distance, but my life has been such a mess since I moved and I have been depressed and embarrassed about it so I isolated myself and stayed away from family so that I wouldn't have to talk about it. Now she is gone and I am guilty and angry with myself and at the situation. I won't go into the details but it wasn't expected even though she had health issues and was in and out of the hospital. She has been sickly since a child so it wasn't new. She always came out. Nobody expected this. To make matters worse I am not close to my siblings and things happened during her short illness and after her death that has caused a rift between us. They hurt me and I feel alone now, like I don't have family. So believe me I know about grieving. I can't even give advice on what to do because I don't know myself. I can't stand it when I start to think about things, about those last weeks. I'm sure you can relate. It is excruciating. They same time will lessen the pain. I pray it does for you, me and all of us who have lost a loved one.

Take Care, I will keep you in my prayers.

[jlove973]

Thx for sharing Breemarie I have some of the same things going on as well family and all. I think we have gotten some what closer. My big sister has kind of taken on the mom roll. Me and my sister were NEVER close, I mean NEVER, and it's kind of strange how a death of a loved one can bring people together that rarely talk. I talk to her just about everyday. I am so grateful for her and she has held it all together for all of us. I just want her to be able to grieve as well and not feel that she has to hide it for our sake. Holidays are here and so far it has been very rough for me. I know shes looking down on all of us so I should be happy right?

[EJ711]

Hi Jilene,

The holidays are just hard when you've lost those that you love most.

I have had foot surgery twice in the last two years, and it was very hard for me to keep asking my husband for this and that. Your Mom probably just decided that one time she could make it into the bathroom on her own.

Part of the grief process are the "what-ifs". What if I had known she needed to go to the bathroom, and had been able to help her? It is very possible that even without the broken ankles, your mom would have died from the blockages in her heart. Please try to forgive yourself. Feeling guilty is just making your grief more painful.

Also the fact you were taking care of your mom full-time contributes to your sense of responsibility.

Your mom wouldn't want you to be feeling so badly.

I was in Israel when my mother died, but I think it was God's way of saving me from the phone call that said my beautiful mother had died. We are never ready to give up our mothers.

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving.

Feel free to PM me anytime.

Hugs,

EJ

[red_rose]

i'd be willing to help i lost my mom last year .pm me if you like.

[(JD)]

Holidays are tougher, I know.

I hope you have been able to work on the guilt, as you don't deserve it. Things always become 20-20 with hindsight. But you know? You were doing the best you could. YOU WERE doing the best you could at the time. You didn't think, well, I'm going to laze and let her fall so she can die. OF COURSE NOT! Please realize it's normal to second guess, but it isn't healthy. She is fine now. She wouldn't want you to feel bad.

[LMo]

I'm sorry ((( jlove )))

[anniego]

Please don't blame yourself for not second-guessing your
Mother's decision to go to the bathroom unassisted. Wouldn't you want to do the same? It's only natural to want to maintain that piece of self-dignity eventhough she probably knew better. It was her choice and you respected it as you should have.
I'm sorry you feel astranged from your siblings. You can try
to heal the rift but know that you can chose to make other friends who truly care about you your family too.
Love yourself as your Mother would want you to do!
Annie

[jlove973]

I am so grateful for all of my friends here at PC. Thank you very much for all of your support. It is needed now more then ever.
Once again
Jilene

[jlove973]

Well Christmas is in a week and I just spoke to one of my brothers and of course he brought up my mom. We are having dinner at my sisters house in which whom my mom lived with. Thanksgiving went well no tears shed. I do fear that Christmas will bring lot's of tears .He mentioned to me that he wrote something special to read before we sit down for dinner and he would like everyone to say at least one memory that we have of our mom and the holidays. This is hard for me because I was doing so well and now it's going threw my head all over again. My boyfriend says that I need to stop dwelling and that it just makes things worse. I am lost once again.

[bandia]

Dear JLove-- My heart is with you during this time of the year which can be difficult to begin with ... and so much harder when it's the first holidays after the loss of a loved one. May I offer you a few thoughts?

First, it does sound from your story that your mom was beginning to die that last week. A lot of what you describe is similar to what people experience as they travel the process of death. When my cousin died last year (age 49, liver cancer), the hospice nurse told us that people choose their own time to die. She said that she's known families that were keeping vigil with their loved one & when they all stepped out of the room for a moment, that's one their dear one died. So, perhaps your mom did want to be alone in the bathroom.

May I suggest that you contact a local hospice regarding bereavement services? Many hospices offer bereavement support groups facilitated by a social worker who specializes in grief. Perhaps this could help to comfort your guilt. Hospices offer a safe, non-judgmental place for people to share their journey of grief.

And remember: your grief process is unique and special to you. There are no right or wrong ways to work through it. There is only your way.

As for Christmas, I hope your family can provide support to each other. It'll be terribly tough, I'm sure, but the love that you have for each other will hopefully pull all of you through. Personally, I think it's awesome that your brother has suggested that everyone will share a memory of your mom at the Christmas table. It will be sad -- but in the sadness there can be so much happiness for the life you all shared with your precious mom.

I always like to say that when a loved one passes, we don't grieve for them. We grieve for ourself, and our loss. Your mom is doing great.......you cared for her through her illness. Don't hesitate now to care for yourself.

Please do PM me if you want to chat some more about this.

Blessings to you and your family--
Bandia