[Pomegranate]

Next week is my daughter's birthday. She will be 28. I have not seen or talked to her in over 5 years now. I still am not sure why she chose to break off any contact with me, and I have tried to ask her. I have tried to contact her and communicate with her. But no response from her. So eventually I just left her alone, that seems to be what she wants. I'm not even sure where she is living right now. I know very little about her or her life. It hurts really bad.

When she first stopped talking to me I thought, naturally, that she was angry about something and eventually things would work themselves out. But that has not happened. About a year ago it began to really sink in that I might never see or hear from my daughter again. I have been in a lot of pain since then, especially around the holidays, her birthday and Mother's Day.

I have a very deep desire to at least see her one more time to hug her and say good bye. It hurts soooooooo much.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Pomegranate}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You and I are in the same boat, pretty much. Only difference is that I don't miss my daughter most of the time. My only hope is that someday my two grandsons by her will want to at least find out who I really am.

My daughter got mad at me for some unknown reason and did the same thing as yours. She stopped talking to me and, although she was encouraged by her brothers to tell me what was bothering her, she refused. She also refused to let her boys see me.

It's been 12 years now and I have absolutely no hope of ever even talking to my daughter. That's okay, though. She's Borderline due to the abuse her dad inflicted on her when she was little. I guess I divorced him a little too late.

I know some of what's going on through my husband and through my boys, but again, all I really care about are my grandsons. I don't understand my attitude towards her, but I accept it. It makes life a whole lot easier. Maybe someday you won't hurt as much as you do now.

Maybe there's something about Pices children? My daughter's birthday is the 20th.

Please take gentle care.

[madisgram]

oh pom, i hurt for you.what a difficult thing to accept. i am so sorry u have this heartbreak. there were times my son when he was a young adult would "cut me off" and i know the pain u suffer. i was blessed tho cause he'd always return. i'm sorry that this has not happened for you. please know that we do care about your loss and wish i could do more. i do care and you do matter. sending caring hugs to you...

[Pomegranate]

Thanks for your kind words. People tell me not to give up hope but it seems the easier thing to do after all this time. And because of the great dysfunction in our family, and from the little bit I hear from other family members, she gives me no reason to believe things will change. Thank you again for your kind concern, and the hugs. I really need that right now.

[anxietygirl]

My sister and my mom didn't talk for 6 years and then 2 years ago my mom was killed in a horrible car accident on the way to work. My sister was left with tremendous guilt and grief that is still persisting. They were not speaking to each other because of stupid reasons-my parents got divorced and my mom was hurt that my sister still spoke to my dad and I understand how my mom felt and I also understand how my sister felt. But the sad thing is is that my mom is gone and my sister is left with a tremendous amount of pain and suffering. I urge everyone here who is estranged from their mother or father or daughter or son, to make amends in some way because you never know what is going to happen in the future. It is all about foregiveness and letting go and compromising anf acknowledging each other's feelings. I hope this has helped in some way.

[Rhapsody]

I am so sorry that you are hurting and that your daughter has failed to let you know why she is upset with you to the point of breaking all ties.... you are in my prayers.

[Starbuck1128]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

Next week is my daughter's birthday. She will be 28. I have not seen or talked to her in over 5 years now. I still am not sure why she chose to break off any contact with me, and I have tried to ask her. I have tried to contact her and communicate with her. But no response from her. So eventually I just left her alone, that seems to be what she wants. I'm not even sure where she is living right now. I know very little about her or her life. It hurts really bad.

When she first stopped talking to me I thought, naturally, that she was angry about something and eventually things would work themselves out. But that has not happened. About a year ago it began to really sink in that I might never see or hear from my daughter again. I have been in a lot of pain since then, especially around the holidays, her birthday and Mother's Day.

I have a very deep desire to at least see her one more time to hug her and say good bye. It hurts soooooooo much.

Dear Pom:
I, too, lost my daughter in '02 when she tried to kill me. No lie. I still have injured discs in my neck from her trying to choke me and pounding my head against the floor. She was angry at me for moving my mother out of her house after my mother had been sent tohte hospital 6 times in six months for malnutrition and dehrydration.
My anger held me firm for five years -- then the pain set in, it got so bad I thought I would die. I so wanted another chance with her. I felt like it was all my fault. I am adopted and she is my only blood relation. I am disabled and in chronic pain so I am a shut-in and very lonely.
She contacted me a year and a half ago telling me she'd gotten married, was in therapy, and on meds. It took me 1.5 years to realize that all of these statements were lies. In the meantime, she lied to me, stole my meidcationas and my my money (Bigtime), lied to her therapist, cheated on her live-in guy and told me about it, threatened me physically and told lies about me in front on me to total strangers.
Yet I held on. Finally, I cut off her cell phone, which I'd been paying for when she ran up a huge bill, on my partners tab, downloading games, etc. We wrote her a very nice letter, sending the printout, highlighting the game downloads. She called me and left me a curse filled message telling me she never wanted any contact with me again and that I "Knew what I'd done". You see, in her delusional mind, the murder sttempt had been perpetrated by me, she'd taken great care of mother, never set fire to my car or mom's house. I kept trying to get her better mental help (had her in therapy since age 4) and tried to help her get SSI. But she would rather steal, lie and do drugs. I am still trying to accept that it is not my choice (she is 30) and that it is not all my fault. (Her dad was schizo phrenic and killed himself).
Still, when my dig died last week - who did I want to call? My daughter! It does hurt sooooooooo much.
I get you and I feel for you.

Lynn

[Pomegranate]

(((((Lynn)))))

Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps to know there are others who understand me. What a terrible thing to have to go through with your child. Yes, it is hard not to keep feeling that some how, some way there is something we could do to make things right with our children. It hurts. It will always hurt. But we have to some how go on, to start caring enough about ourselves to get help and support to start to heal our wounds. Some day they will be a healed scar. We'll still have the pain of missing our babies, but will know and accept they are now grown woman making their own choices that do not include us. That fact will no longer bring us guilt, shame or crushing despression. But it will still hurt like hell.

[idontknow13]

((((((((Pomegranate)))))))))
I really feel for you and understand how you must feel.
I also have a daughter who doesnt talk to me, who does not want to have anything to do with me, it hurts and never stops hurting but for now I try to think it is better for her for now and hopefully one day she will come back, I pray for her to be happy, that is all I can do for her.
You are such a caring person, please take good care of yourself

[hangingon]

Pomogranite and all other moms who posted.
I can understand how painful it must be to live with the reality of your children not wanting to talk to you.

I will tell you this, a few months before my mom passed away (before she was diagnosed with cancer) I shared with her about someone who had sexually abused me as a child. She didn't believe me, I know she couldn't because of her relationship with this person. That placed a huge wall between us.

I kept talking to her but inside it was killing me. I didn't want her to leave this person, I just wanted her to believe me, to tell me she was sorry that she didn't protect me something. But I never got anything like that from her. It made me feel like she didn't love me. You'd be surprised how many daughters have more anger towards their mother than their abuser/s. Maybe because deep down mom was the one who was supposed to protect them. To love them unconditionally.

Life is too short, I find myself feeling really guilty that I even shared that info with my mom only to have her die a few months later. But what pains me most is that this is never going to be resolved, she is never going to be able to say I love you, I believe you, I'm sorry. I know she loved me in her own way, but I also find myself being angry with her for not resolving this with me.

As a daugher, I can say that I wanted nothing more than for my mom to really show me she loved me. I may have been a pain in the a*s sometimes, God knows. Often we react the way we do out of pain. People do what they do because they have needs. But she was my mom, she was supposed to be the one who showed me she loved me.

I know most if not all of you really love your daughters. I will tell you this, it may be hard as h*ll to do but please tell them you love them. Apologize to them, ask them if you wronged them in anyway. Try your best to make ammends. But more importantly, try not to offer excuses. No greater lesson can you teach your daughter than to be humble and apologize.

Your their mom, thats the job you were given the moment you became their mom, to love them, protect them, to cherish them. Are your children perfect? Absolutely not. Have they wronged you? I would imagine. Though your children are adults, when they see you, they still see you through the eyes of a child. Try to think back to when they were little, try to love them the best you can. There is no perfect parent in the world but there is always room for forgiveness.

Offer that to your children, no excuses. What they do from there on out is their own choice. You can't make them do anything they don't want to . But you owe it to them to love them, scars and all. Thats why we were given moms.

I really wish I had that time with my mom. There were so many things that I wish could have been changed, but more than anything I needed to know she loved me, not just the words coming from her mouth, but heart evidence behind those words.

I wish you all the best with your children. We only have one life and it goes by far too quickly. Please do your best to tell your children that you love them. You may be surprised by the road that takes you down.

[lynn P.]

Hi Pomegranate,
I realize that sometimes our pride gets in the way sometimes. I think you should call her and tell her exactly what you told us. Don't get into who's at fault or re-hash things - just live in the moment and start fresh. You don't want to wait till it's too late. Everyday time is being wasted. As mothers we think it should be our children who make the first move, but it doesn't matter. You will look like the better person if you do it. She came from you and you need to feel her love and she needs your love. Let by-gones be by-gones. In the end all that matters is the LOVE. You'll feel so much better.

[Pomegranate]

(((Hanginon)))

I understand how badly you feel about your mom and how much it hurts that she was never able to give you what you needed. I feel the exact same way about my mother. She's still alive. She will die still blaming me, finding fault with me and just never being capable of loving me the way I needed to be loved.

Long ago the thought bubbled up that even though my mother was not perfect and was doing the best she could and that I should forgive her her faults and just love her as she is - the light blub went off that her "love" for me was not love. She may have felt and thought it was love, but if try as I might, forgive as much and often as I could, all I ended up feeling was used, abused, manipulated and disliked, then whatever she was giving me was NOT love. BTW, my mother always gave me the feeling that the sexual abuse that happened to me as a child was something I should "just get over" and was probably something that I had exaggerated like I "always" exaggerated everything. I very much understand your hurt there.

It was a horrible moment when I realized my mother did not love me, but at the same time it was a turning point for me. My mother did not and never would be able to love me. Once I accepted that, I stopped trying to get love from her. Unfortuantely I kept trying to forgive her and have some kind of cordial relationship with her. I suffered for it. And I said things I wish I hadn't to her. It would have been better for both of us had I cut ties with her altogether long ago. But hindsight is always 20 - 20 vision.

I've let my daughter know I love her, that I'm sorry for anything I've done wrong and that I'm open to as little a relationship as a starting point as she feels she needs, as long as it is mutually respectful.

Since she was brainwashed by her father, his mother and my mother about me and who I am, I think her feeling is that I don't deserve respect. I'm not willing to have a relationship with ANYONE on that level.

I realised it would not be doing my daughter any favors to let her treat me disrespectfully, thoughtlessly, treat me with a lack of love and concern. All that would do is reinforce the wrong things she's learned from her father, my mother, and his mother. We teach others how to treat us. Teaching my daughter to treat me without love, concern and respect is not something I want her to learn any more about and don't think that will serve her well in life.

I'm only too aware of how short life is and how fast it goes by. It's why my heart breaks and will always hurt from the loss of my daughter. But I only have control over so much. I certainly don't have any control over her, her feelings or her actions. I've done all I know how to do to let her know I want a loving, supportive relationship with her. Now, just like you and I cry over our mother's lack of love and support for us, I also cry about the same thing coming from my daughter. It's tough. Thank you for sharing your experience with me, with all of us.

[miray]

(((((Pomegranate))))) I'm so very sorry you are hurting. That is such an awful thing to go through. Very recently I took my daughter to live with her father and brother, 6 hours away. It was a heart wrenching decison, but it had to be made. She has become extremely violent with me and I needed some help. My fear is she will never forgive me. She doesn't even like to visit her father, let alone live with him. He is very strict with them and they don't pull any punches with him, which is what she needs. I don't really know the situation that led to the noncommunication between you and your daughter, but maybe enough time has gone by now that the wounds aren't so raw. Maybe try again now...send cards on her birthday and other holidays, when you find her address...see where that goes. If you get a response...great...and if not....keep trying. At least you will never wonder if you tried harder...would it have worked. Just a thought. Best of luck to you...hang in there