[Evening]

I know I don't come here much now, but I needed a place to vent.

In 2 days time I will be having a high anterior resection (removal of part of my sigmoid colon) because a considerably large polyp was found on my bowel. I have had bowel issues for a while that were always thought to be something else because of my age (I'm 29) and I am so terrified. They did a biopsy and the results for the parts they took came back showing they were starting to turn into cancer, but they can't tell me if there is any cancer until they do surgery.

I don't do needles and hospitals and doctors and surgery so I have had pretty hefty anxiety. I REALLY do not want to go through with this, but my options don't exactly include bailing out.

I also have found a lot of my friends haven't checked in to see how I'm feeling even though they've known for 2 weeks, it has really started to make me feel like people don't care much. I was so depressed the other day I actually had the thought in my head to not even bother with the surgery and just let things slowly get me. How hard is it to send a message you know?

I keep being told to stay positive, but how can I, I've had a horrendous year, I had to live on a couch for over 4 months because I got kicked out of my home of 11 years. I thought things were starting to pick up for me when I eventually bought my home back, but I ended up finding out I might have cancer and that I needed to go through surgery less than 8 weeks later.

I know I sound like I'm whinging, and I am, so I'm really sorry. I'm just so pent up with so many different thoughts right now and all I want to do is cry and crawl off somewhere away from all this.

[Shazerac]

oh my goodness, huge hugs to you

You must be so scared. I'm sorry your friends are letting you down. That sucks. Sometimes when people don't know what to do or say....they don't do anything! Fat lot of help that is.

Hope your surgery goes well, and that you have a speedy and full recovery

I am sorry for what you're going through you must be so scared. As for your friends there is no excuse for it only that maybe they don't know what to say to you, but a how are you coping wouldn't hurt.

I hope that you get through your surgery okay and do let us know how you go. x

[Travelinglady]

I'm sorry. We are here for you. Please let us know how everything goes.

[Evening]

When I first found out I was convinced I was dead, which was the most horrendous feeling. I felt that way because I've had symptoms for quite a while that were always considered being other things, and I don't know if they were or not and that scares me. Then I was 'fine' for maybe a week and a half, it was constantly on my mind but I was functional. But the last few days my stress has gone up again, feeling like I'm a bit alone without as much friend support as I expected was no help, and yesterday and today I've had a few emotional breakdowns. I'm feeling a bit better at the moment, maybe because the weather at the moment is quite relaxing (it's getting quite gloomy outside but it's still nice and warm, I love this kind of weather), but I know I will be a mess at the hospital tomorrow.

Everything that scares me is all the things that will happen when I wake up- I won't know if there is cancer until I wake up, I won't know if I have a temporary colostomy bag and stoma until I wake up, I don't know how much pain I will be in until I wake up, I won't know how much scarring I will have until I wake up.

This is a nightmare experience, but I feel like I'm overreacting because I was treated a bit like that with health problems in the past (although I was never wrong it turns out), and because I get quite stressed out and emotional anyway I think some people are under the impression this is minor and not as big as I'm making it. But then they weren't there in the hospital.

[BleedTheFreak]

I'm in a similar situation. Bowel issues with major health anxiety don't go together very well. I'm having a colonoscopy done tomorrow to see if there's anything amiss. I'm wishing you the best.

Just remember: you never know until you know, even if you've been right about other issues you've had in the past. Find yourself a distraction.

[*Laurie*]

It's no wonder you're afraid. 29 is young to have to deal with such major health issues. I'm sorry about your friends; my guess is that they are in denial and don't know what to say, or are afraid of saying the wrong thing (people can be so odd about illness).

I hope everything with the surgery goes well. I'm betting it will. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

[spondiferous]

I'm so sorry you're having this experience. I too am terrified of surgeries, etc. All the unknowns. I am hoping everything is going okay for you. I am thinking of you. Please feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to; you can message me in private if you want someone who will just check in on you to see how you're doing (not just about the surgery but about anything), or just to say hi. I get it about the friends not contacting. I have the same problem. As my health has deteriorated, I've lost almost everyone when they realized I wasn't going to be getting better. It's hard for people to deal with things that don't have much of a resolution, or things that are scary to them.

I am so sorry you are going through this

People often flee the scene when they don’t know what to say. That is just awful, but I have seen this. My own husband’s family did not come to his artificial heart surgery.

You are going to be OK. Really. You will wake up, and if you’re in pain, they can treat the pain.

You will be able to deal with this—many, many people have gone through this. It will probably not be the worst case scenario, and even if it is, it WILL get better!

You’re going to be OK

[Evening]

I just got out of surgery today, I'm still hospitalised but through an at home program where the nurses come out to look after you. I'm so glad because I had the biggest panic attack of my life while I was there, about 24 hours long, and I haven't been able to completely shake the feeling yet, but at least at home I can deal with it without a group of people knowing.

I had 2 sections of my bowel removed because they were stuck togther and they don't know why. It could be a number of things- endometriosis, colitis inflammation, or cancer that has spread. If the last reason is the case then I will need chemotherapy. I'm praying it's endometriosis as I originally thought years ago, or just colitis. Because I am having a hard time dealing with this right now. And I still have to wait longer to know for sure.

[ArcheM]

I hope the rest of it goes well.

I haven't had to deal with anything similar, but with smaller surgical procedures I try to take comfort in the fact that nowadays medical science is advancing extremely rapidly. I mean, where I live there's no comparison between today and 10 years ago, and I'm in a pretty backwards country.

[CepheidVariable]

I'm sorry to hear you're having to wait on further results. No wonder you are having trouble dealing with it. At least the surgery is over.

I'm not sure how you'd tell your friends this, or if it's even what you'd want, but a good piece of advice I got years ago when a family member was in hospital for some time was that it's better to show up just for five minutes every day or so rather than hang around awkwardly for an hour once a week. There was only so much to say, and they liked having someone check on them regularly and see how they were feeling.

Hoping for the best, and please post here as often as you'd like.

[*Laurie*]

Hi Evening, thanks for checking in. I'm glad you're home. Take it easy and keep us posted. I am hoping all the very best for you

[Evening]

I don't feel like talking too much about it right now, but it was cancer.

[CepheidVariable]

I'm so sorry.

I wish I knew what to say. I'm sure there are cancer survivors on PC who have some perspective and support to offer. We are here, if and when you want to talk about it here.

[Evening]

I am having trouble talking about it online as I'm struggling to process it. I wasn't given a huge amount of comfort from the surgeon so I feel like I'm about to die. I've fallen into a state of depression since finding out and am struggling to be alone too much. I've had family stay over every night since finding out.

[TerryL]

oh nooo i am so sorry that it is cancer. it's the one thing you dreaded the most. you must be so devastated and scared.
when my mother got breast cancer i did a lot of reading and started to learn about health and disease. try to eat healthy and cut out dairy, sugar, processed foods as much as possible, and eat lots of green leafy vegetables. here is one person my friend steered me to- a doctor who cured her own cancer. she is very religious and that might not be everyone's belief but she also had some good common sense info. i ordered her dvd.
Dr. Lorraine Day's Personal, Official Web Site - Her Amazing Recovery from Cancer.

here is another site http://search.mercola.com/results.aspx?q=cancer

there is hope. try to google and find out about alternative treatments. i wish i had more links for you but i wanted to post quickly. huuuugs

[*Laurie*]

I'm so sorry, Evening. I imagine you must be terrified. BUT you can make it through and survive this. Really.

[leejosepho]

Having a great oncologist is very helpful for me, so begin looking in that direction if your surgeon has not already recommended one. Also, there are varieties of mentoring and support programs for people with our conditions. To begin, you might try Imerman Angels. After sharing my details with someone there, I was paired with someone who has the same cancer as well as some first-hand experience with the same treatment as prescribed for me. My own cancer is incurable and surgery would not really help, but learning about what I have and how to best deal with it -- lots of Googling -- has made a tremendous difference for me.

[Evening]

My situation is that the growth they removed was cancer, and that some cells had travelled to some lymph glands. 3 of the 38 glands they removed had cancer cells. I was told there was no other cancerous growths in me, based on the 2 CT scans I've had. I'm hoping they didn't miss my stomach because I've had pain there too.

They are offering me chemo when I recover fully from my surgery, though it won't be chemo that will make me lose my hair. But I will apparently become infertile.

I need to get checked every 2-3 months for the next 2 years, and then constantly for the next 10-15 years to make sure the chemo worked and the cancer doesn't come back.

I am having a hard time processing this and have had a huge amount of anxiety trying to find information or help online as it makes the situation feel more real to me.

I just want to get on with my life without having to constantly go through tests and wonder if each time is going to be the time I find out it has come back.

[emgreen]

As you stated, that is a heck of a lot to process. I hate folks who try to tell others not to worry, so I won't. I'm glad, however, there were no signs of cancer in your other organs. Keep us posted & try to take care of yourself emotionally...easier said than done for most of us here on PC.

[Evening]

I do appreciate the comment about not telling me not to worry, because I have had a huge amount of people say 'you'll be fine' 'stay positive' 'at least they got it in time', etc., and none of this is a comfort to me. No I'm not fine. What is there to be positive about. No they didn't get it in time, the cells have travelled and this could come back.

I've tried finding comfort online and it's done nothing but make me more anxious. I'm terrified, I had a lot of things I wanted to do and don't know if I'll live long enough to do it. I tried so hard to shake off my depression and get myself on my feet, I just bought a house and a lot of the enthusiasm I lost in things was coming back and didn't even get 7 weeks out of it before all this started. I feel like what was the point in trying, everything is going to continue to **** up for me like it has my entire life. I'm going to spend the rest of my life- however long it may be- with this as a constant shadow over me.

[*Laurie*]

How are you doing, Evening?

[Evening]

I'm very on and off, sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and need to take medication- which I don't like to do but this is quite intense anxiety.

I just wish I could have a life that wasn't filled with so much negativity- I had a horrible upbringing, I don't have a relationship with my father, I've lived through poverty and abuse towards myself and others in my family, I've dealt with depression, anxiety, struggling to get myself away from all that and get myself to a stable life. I finally have a full time career, an income, savings, a good relationship with my mother, I just bought my first home, I've overcome being triggered so much by things that reminded me of my past- and I get diagnosed with cancer.

I feel like something out there must think of me as a joke. I feel like why am I even trying, it all just keeps being thrown at me. I wanted to start becoming a better person now that I finally had stability in my life and could work on myself so that I could be better to others. And now I've taken so many steps back.

Hi Evening—I am sorry you are going through this. I have had close family members go through serious health problems. The only way I could cope was to focus on treatment, and join forum of others going through same. I learned a lot which made it less scary.

I heard on NPR that scientists have proven sugar feeds cancer cells. Maybe you could also read up on diet to help? Maybe a ketogenic diet?

You sound like you have started on a good life—that is a positive thing to hit this from a good, strong place. I hope you find the strength to fight. Don’t give up.