[starting_over]

Does anyone know of any stories about people who have learned to live with and manage their narcissism/NPD - or even recover from them? I'm looking for something to inspire me. I often feel really embarassed about what my narcissistic traits have done to my life.

[here today]

You might like Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly. She’s also got several videos on Youtube. Although she doesn’t address NPD directly in the book (and not at all that I remember in any videos) she does address narcissism in society in general. Her view, with research to back it up, is that the real problem is shame and vulnerability which lie underneath the narcissism, so to speak. Accept the vulnerability, and you can combat the shame and resultant narcissism. And she's got some suggestions about how to do that which may be helpful, may not.

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by here today

You might like Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly. She’s also got several videos on Youtube. Although she doesn’t address NPD directly in the book (and not at all that I remember in any videos) she does address narcissism in society in general. Her view, with research to back it up, is that the real problem is shame and vulnerability which lie underneath the narcissism, so to speak. Accept the vulnerability, and you can combat the shame and resultant narcissism. And she's got some suggestions about how to do that which may be helpful, may not.

Thank you that answer was most useful vulnerability and shame lie underneath the false- self - makes a lot of sense and accounts for a lot - I am just trying to find out about my partner who is NPD. But nobody on this forum seems very keen to help - I keep saying I am no enemy - I love my partner and want to understand as much as possible.

[here today]

Thorn Bird, you are knocking on a locked door. It's annoying and makes you look ridiculous. As I understand it, people with NPD don't like to associate with ridiculous people -- makes them look ridiculous, too -- unless THEY can get something from YOU.

[Mattmx]

More like trying to break in the window when yelling and banging on the door didn't work.

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by here today

Thorn Bird, you are knocking on a locked door. It's annoying and makes you look ridiculous. As I understand it, people with NPD don't like to associate with ridiculous people -- makes them look ridiculous, too -- unless THEY can get something from YOU.

I don't care if I look ridiculous - I am learning so much and I am only here because my partner is NPD. Sometimes how you say things or what you don't say speaks volumes to me and if I have to look ridiculous to save my relationship then I will - I really don't care what you think about me.

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by Mattmx

More like trying to break in the window when yelling and banging on the door didn't work.

Yelling and breaking windows is what my NPD partner would do. I am only asking questions - there is no reason for you to be so rude to me!

[here today]

Originally Posted by Thorn Bird

I don't care if I look ridiculous - . . .- I really don't care what you think about me.

That's obvious. Have you ever thought, though, about what that may be saying about YOU? Also, I wonder why you're not trying, or interested, in learning more about yourself? Do you ever wonder about that, too?

[Trippin2.0]

To the OP I won't pretend to know of that which you speak. I have BPD not NPD and I really apologize for any derailing my post may cause. I just couldn't hold my bloody tongue any longer

Originally Posted by Thorn Bird

I am only here because my partner is NPD. If I have to look ridiculous to save my relationship then I will

Firstly, you don't know if he has a personality disorder, he hasn't gone for any help, and secondly I would like to share something with you.

I too dated an abusive a.s.s.hole for years, I didn't bother diagnosing him with anything though. I think a.s.s.hole is fitting enough label I found myself obsessively trying to save my relationship too, mind you I was trying alone too, just like you. He couldn't care less, he thought he was the bees knees and that he owned my a.s.s. Never put in any effort beyond whispering sweet nothings and making empty promises. I did all the leg work, why? Because I WAS UNHAPPY, ME. He did nothing to assist because for him everything was a okay.

Anyway, I left because one day the abuse escalated dramatically. Verbal abuse and threats switched to me being beaten to a pulp.

#Helpful hint 23, bruised ribs are no fun, beware the boot!

So I left, it wasn't easy, not at all. It was like going through withdrawls... I constantly second guessed myself, my decision and wondered what I could have done differently to fix us. What a chop I was!
I wonder if I suffered from temporary retardation back then???

Then 1 day I had an epiphany, which is what this longwinded post's point is:

"Don't fix it if it ain't broke"

From your posts, your relationship is what it is what it is, and your bf is who he is who he is.
There's no changing him, or the nature of your relationship. So either you accept being treated like shyt, or accept you deserve better and move on.

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by here today

That's obvious. Have you ever thought, though, about what that may be saying about YOU? Also, I wonder why you're not trying, or interested, in learning more about yourself? Do you ever wonder about that, too?

Of course I look at myself - all the time and of course I am far from perfect - I am seeing a therapist to see if there is anything I can do which will lessen the rages and emotional and physical abuse. I am always aware of my faults etc and am the first person to say sorry

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

To the OP I won't pretend to know of that which you speak. I have BPD not NPD and I really apologize for any derailing my post may cause. I just couldn't hold my bloody tongue any longer

Firstly, you don't know if he has a personality disorder, he hasn't gone for any help, and secondly I would like to share something with you.

I too dated an abusive a.s.s.hole for years, I didn't bother diagnosing him with anything though. I think a.s.s.hole is fitting enough label I found myself obsessively trying to save my relationship too, mind you I was trying alone too, just like you. He couldn't care less, he thought he was the bees knees and that he owned my a.s.s. Never put in any effort beyond whispering sweet nothings and making empty promises. I did all the leg work, why? Because I WAS UNHAPPY, ME. He did nothing to assist because for him everything was a okay

Anyway, I left because one day the abuse escalated dramatically. Verbal abuse and threats switched to me being beaten to a pulp.

#Helpful hint 23, bruised ribs are no fun, beware the boot!

So I left, it wasn't easy, not at all. It was like going through withdrawls... I constantly second guessed myself, my decision and wondered what I could have done differently to fix us. What a chop I was!
I wonder if I suffered from temporary retardation back then???

Then 1 day I had an epiphany, which is what this longwinded post's point is:

"Don't fix it if it ain't broke"

From your posts, your relationship is what it is what it is, and your bf is who he is who he is.
There's no changing him, or the nature of your relationship. So either you accept being treated like shyt, or accept you deserve better and move on.

I am sure he has NPD hence the rages belittling emotional abuse, physical abuse lying, blaming etc and his childhood suggest that this is a PD. However there are some very good times and all I want to do is to understand so that the bad behaviour can be minimilised and cause less destruction. I just thought by asking those of you with NPD I would be able to understand a little of what it feels like etc, - I mean no harm to anyone

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Thorn Bird

I am sure he has NPD hence the rages belittling emotional abuse, physical abuse lying, blaming etc and his childhood suggest that this is a PD. However there are some very good times and all I want to do is to understand so that the bad behaviour can be minimilised and cause less destruction. I just thought by asking those of you with NPD I would be able to understand a little of what it feels like etc, - I mean no harm to anyone

You seem to be deliberatly missing the point hun. No amount of understanding his pathology will make him treat you better. He abuses and cheats because he can.

Like I said, don't fix it if it ain't broke.

Buut live in denial if that's what works for you.

Instead of wasting your precious therapy time and money on discussing how to modify your actions to minimize abuse, why not use the time constructively and figure out why you are so hell bent on staying with a man that mistreats you.

[Mattmx]

Originally Posted by Thorn Bird

I am sure he has NPD hence the rages belittling emotional abuse, physical abuse lying, blaming etc and his childhood suggest that this is a PD. However there are some very good times and all I want to do is to understand so that the bad behaviour can be minimilised and cause less destruction. I just thought by asking those of you with NPD I would be able to understand a little of what it feels like etc, - I mean no harm to anyone

Why are you assuming that because someone is an asshole they have NPD. That's very offensive I think. You say "hey, this person is absolutely horrible, you guys are like that! Can I have some advice on how to deal with it even though I don't know you at all and just compared you to some horrible excuse for a human being?"

You want my advice, leave the person if they're that bad.

[A Red Panda]

Thorn: You missed Trippin's point. You can't change his behaviour, but how is understanding it going to help you?

Unless he wants to understand and change, then things will never change. You've disagreed with many people on here because you say you have read more than they know (which is an assumption btw), but really.. if you've read it all, then what do you expect to learn by coming here and asking for people who are diagnosed NPD to tell you WHY they do the things they do?

You shouldn't have to learn how to put up with being treated like a POS. Understanding his rages won't help. The chances that you actually do things to cause them is bunk - NO ONE deserves to be treated like a POS no matter what they do.

What does he think about things himself? He's the only person who can give you answers that will satisfy you.

Like.. I get caring about someone and wanting to be there for them throughout thick and thin. But you can't support and help him if he doesn't see that there's a problem. All you'll end up doing is putting up with abuse and confirming to him that the way he behaves is acceptable and that you're fine with it. Thus giving him "permission" to continue it. If he doesn't see that there's a problem, then your best option is really to just cut your losses.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Mattmx

Why are you assuming that because someone is an asshole they have NPD. That's very offensive I think. You say "hey, this person is absolutely horrible, you guys are like that! Can I have some advice on how to deal with it even though I don't know you at all and just compared you to some horrible excuse for a human being?"

You want my advice, leave the person if they're that bad.

Wish I could thank you a million times!

I'm not even NPD, but I too find it offensive to LOOSELY assume the abusive cheating a.s.s.hole has NPD and then, ask for help from people who are assumed to be cheating abusive a.s.s.holes too.

[Mattmx]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Wish I could thank you a million times!

I'm not even NPD, but I too find it offensive to LOOSELY assume the abusive cheating a.s.s.hole has NPD and then, ask for help from people who are assumed to be cheating abusive a.s.s.holes too.

I hate the assumptions and generalizations made about personality disorders.

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

You seem to be deliberatly missing the point hun. No amount of understanding his pathology will make him treat you better. He abuses and cheats because he can.

Like I said, don't fix it if it ain't broke.

Buut live in denial if that's what works for you.

Instead of wasting your precious therapy time and money on discussing how to modify your actions to minimize abuse, why not use the time constructively and figure out why you are so hell bent on staying with a man that mistreats you.

Everyone seems to think I am missing the point - maybe I am but I love this guy and we do have such good times - I recognise he has this disorder but should I just abandon him because of how he was treated in childhood - and as a consequence has developed this disorder. I may have to leave but not without giving my 100% - I love him.

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by Mattmx

I hate the assumptions and generalizations made about personality disorders.

Believe me I am not making assumptions - I am with someone who has NPD - I feel empathy I want to help I don't love him any the less - but our relationship would be so much easier for me and for him if I could understand why he behaves as he does. I am not blaming or pointing fingers at any one and of course I know everyone is individual but as I've said in previous post there are specific traits to being NPD and I am just trying to find out as much as I can - I am not judging at all.

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by Mattmx

Why are you assuming that because someone is an asshole they have NPD. That's very offensive I think. You say "hey, this person is absolutely horrible, you guys are like that! Can I have some advice on how to deal with it even though I don't know you at all and just compared you to some horrible excuse for a human being?"

You want my advice, leave the person if they're that bad.

I never said he was an asshole - I am just trying to find out more about his PD and to understand and may be even help or not cause triggers etc. I love him despite of his PD. Yes his behaviour can be really bad emotionally and physically - but I think there are reasons for this for he can be so loving attentive and highly intelligent and funny too. Just because some one has a mental problem doesn't mean they should be written off. Would you do that to someone who was physically disabled - there is no difference!

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Thorn: You missed Trippin's point. You can't change his behaviour, but how is understanding it going to help you?

Unless he wants to understand and change, then things will never change. You've disagreed with many people on here because you say you have read more than they know (which is an assumption btw), but really.. if you've read it all, then what do you expect to learn by coming here and asking for people who are diagnosed NPD to tell you WHY they do the things they do?

You shouldn't have to learn how to put up with being treated like a POS. Understanding his rages won't help. The chances that you actually do things to cause them is bunk - NO ONE deserves to be treated like a POS no matter what they do.

What does he think about things himself? He's the only person who can give you answers that will satisfy you.

Like.. I get caring about someone and wanting to be there for them throughout thick and thin. But you can't support and help him if he doesn't see that there's a problem. All you'll end up doing is putting up with abuse and confirming to him that the way he behaves is acceptable and that you're fine with it. Thus giving him "permission" to continue it. If he doesn't see that there's a problem, then your best option is really to just cut your losses.

I know I can't change his behaviour but I can learn to understand why he behaves that way - something very bad happened in his childhood and thus he has re created his personality which needs to be perfect and for that needs validation and 'N' supply. Beneath this 'false and perfect self' is a wounded child ashamed of who he is - It is a sad story and may be I cannot fix it or make him self-aware enough to seek help but if I understand as much as I can It helps - at least that is what I think. You say cut your losses I am talking about the man I love - it will break my heart and as I keep saying I love him.

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by here today

That's obvious. Have you ever thought, though, about what that may be saying about YOU? Also, I wonder why you're not trying, or interested, in learning more about yourself? Do you ever wonder about that, too?

Of course I look at myself and question myself all the time - I have faults and of course I am not perfect nobody is - I challenge myself all the time and that is why I am trying to learn more and to understand but I am met with defenses and hatred - I do not feel like that at all but I accept you all feel that towards me and again it speaks volumes

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

To the OP I won't pretend to know of that which you speak. I have BPD not NPD and I really apologize for any derailing my post may cause. I just couldn't hold my bloody tongue any longer

Firstly, you don't know if he has a personality disorder, he hasn't gone for any help, and secondly I would like to share something with you.

I too dated an abusive a.s.s.hole for years, I didn't bother diagnosing him with anything though. I think a.s.s.hole is fitting enough label I found myself obsessively trying to save my relationship too, mind you I was trying alone too, just like you. He couldn't care less, he thought he was the bees knees and that he owned my a.s.s. Never put in any effort beyond whispering sweet nothings and making empty promises. I did all the leg work, why? Because I WAS UNHAPPY, ME. He did nothing to assist because for him everything was a okay.

Anyway, I left because one day the abuse escalated dramatically. Verbal abuse and threats switched to me being beaten to a pulp.

#Helpful hint 23, bruised ribs are no fun, beware the boot!

So I left, it wasn't easy, not at all. It was like going through withdrawls... I constantly second guessed myself, my decision and wondered what I could have done differently to fix us. What a chop I was!
I wonder if I suffered from temporary retardation back then???

Then 1 day I had an epiphany, which is what this longwinded post's point is:

"Don't fix it if it ain't broke"

From your posts, your relationship is what it is what it is, and your bf is who he is who he is.
There's no changing him, or the nature of your relationship. So either you accept being treated like shyt, or accept you deserve better and move on.

Firstly I am sure he is NPD Secondly I love him and just want to understand - he went through so much in his childhood that he has developed this PD - his aim to be perfect requires validation and 'N' supply and he protects injury to his false self hence the bad behaviour - I accept him for who he is I am just trying to understand so I can help or minimize triggers to his behaviour - I am not judging this is like any other mental or physical problem and I know it is not his fault.

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by here today

That's obvious. Have you ever thought, though, about what that may be saying about YOU? Also, I wonder why you're not trying, or interested, in learning more about yourself? Do you ever wonder about that, too?

I am always looking at myself - I am very introspective. I have my faults and I am far from perfect. And to reiterate I am not judging or blaming just trying to understand

[Mattmx]

Why do you want to be someone who lies to you, cheats on you, etc? No amount of understanding them will change that they do these things to you.
Also, please stop saying you're not judging, because that's all you're doing about actual NPD people. You say "i know he's NPD because of these traits" and then you list all these horrible things that you associate to NPD and say "this is why I know he has it."

[A Red Panda]

Originally Posted by Thorn Bird

I know I can't change his behaviour but I can learn to understand why he behaves that way - something very bad happened in his childhood and thus he has re created his personality which needs to be perfect and for that needs validation and 'N' supply. Beneath this 'false and perfect self' is a wounded child ashamed of who he is - It is a sad story and may be I cannot fix it or make him self-aware enough to seek help but if I understand as much as I can It helps - at least that is what I think. You say cut your losses I am talking about the man I love - it will break my heart and as I keep saying I love him.

If you know all of this already, then what else are you hoping to learn? Those are general things related to NPD, and anything else you get will be specific to him and no one here can tell you those answers. It looks like you've already got the answer to your questions.....