[hereiam]

...so I just thought I'd post here and if need be, it can be moved. I put a trigger just cause I'm not sure how some people might interpret this.

Last night I was at a party, and needless to say, I got wasted. I was there with a bunch of friends who I love and trust, and we had a blast. I passed out in the early morning on a spare bed - alone. When I woke up, someone was running there hand along my uh, lower stomach I guess you could say. About as low as you could go, without getting TOO fresh but still knowing what you're going after. Anyway. I was in this half sleep half awake phase so I was just seriously confused. It didn't even register what was going on really. It did, but it didn't, you know? I just knew I wanted it to stop, so I rolled down to the floor. Well, the spare bed is on the floor too, so he just rolled over and put his hands back on me. I rolled over on my side, and then it stopped. I think I was still drunk when I woke up. Anyway, after that, I get up and use the bathroom. I come back and sleep back down on the spare bed (there was nowhere else to sleep), and nothing happened after that.

Thing is, here I am a few hours later, not drunk anymore, and feeling really really weird about it. I know it wasn't anything big and it isn't a big deal but I shudder when I think about it because I'm not sure what happened. At first I thought maybe he's just drunk and doesn't know what's going on. Then I thought maybe he's just sleeping and this is a habit for him with someone else. The guy, by the way, is one of my really good friends who I've known for years. But then, when I had gotten up to go to the bathroom, I saw my pants were untied (I was wearing sweatpants). I am POSITIVE that I had them tied the whole night, and tied when I went to sleep.

So that begs the questions if what happened was intentional or not - since he clearly had to have known what he was doing if he untied my pants. This guy is like a big brother to me, I always tell him he's like brother to me, and he says I'm like his little sister. I don't get this. Like I said, again, I KNOW this isn't really a big deal, I know nothing crazy could have happened because uh, well, that time of the month wouldn't allow it. But still. How long was he doing that before I woke up? What else could he have done? I've been in a situation like this before, a long time ago, and ever since that situation I had been extremely careful what I did and who I hung out with while partying. Well, this is one of my best friends. Wtf? Did he really not know what he was doing? I'm just confused.

Gah, I know I sound ridiculous but its all just really, really weird. Thanks for reading...

[goofygirl]

((((((yes))))))... I had a similar situation when I was still drinking... actually, a lot of them, I'm ashamed to say. I passed out at a party with all of my friends, and woke up with a guy trying to depants me... I damn near knocked him out. I don't know what to say... I just know how much it sucks! If you need to talk, feel free to PM me!

[sqrlb8]

He knew. Drunk or not.

[neri]

Ugh.. has happened to me too, what is up with men???

[hereiam]

Should I feel weird about this? Or just let it go, like, 'it was an accident, whatever, it's in the past'. That's my issue is I'm just confused.

[Shaymus]

I think it sounds like you should feel weird about it. That would weird me out if it happened to me, spooky and creepy come to mind. I agree with sqrl too in that whether he was drunk or not, he knew it was wrong.

[sqrlb8]

I dunno what to tell you really. I mean there are guys who take indecent liberties, and guys who don't. Your friend is one who does. Seems like there is plenty of evidence out there statistically speaking to suggest that it is an escalating behavior as well.

Feeling wierd about it probably comes from being friends with the guy. Letting it go is one thing, but expecting that it won't happen again in a similar situation is probably not a good idea.

[neri]

Do u feel uncomfortable now, around your friend? I'm not so sure what to do... If you would feel better to ask about it from him then maybe u should

[hereiam]

Noooo, I'll never say anything. Everyone hung out the next morning like nothing happened, and that's the way I plan on keeping it. Thanks guys, for your responses and time.

[misty]

Not rediculous!!!!!!! Please be kind to you. What happended was not right!!!!!!!!!!!! You may have ppl point out that you were drunk but from what you write I believe you were taken advantage of and that is putting it kindly. I have couple times I can say were very similar and I have some times where I was in drunken stoopers that I am not proud of but are not the same as those times.
Just want you to know you are not alone.
lrks

[(JD)]

First, try and not get yourself into that situation, so it doesn't happen again. Second, I think you should try and discuss it with the guy, suggesting that you are uncomfortable with the situation. If he shares more information than you currently know, then you make a decision.

I'm sorry this happened. There is a good posibility he was as drunk as you. Anytime we are out of control, well, we surrender control to others.

(((hugs)))

[dayzee9]

((((((((((((((9yesitsme....a little advice?))))))))

I'm not proud to say it but "back then" when I partied a lot; these situations came up all the time & I made sure I hung w/ friends I trusted.....ONE of those times, a guy who I thought respected me & I trusted undressed me & "did things" I woke up confused, scared, mad AND I couldn't look the guy in the eye ever since. PPL advise to talk to the guy and talk it out & find "closure" to the situation. For the most part I thoroughly agree -- he violated your "personal space" & friendship...if you feel strongly enough to state your case w/ him...talk it out -- otherwise, learn from the scene & move on...

Parties & alcohol/drugs lost me a lot of good friends...be careful out there!I'm sorry you had to go thru that situation.....it eats at ya....bad news, gf! Just thinking about my experiences creeps me out & not having "closure" w/ the guy/friend leaves me feeling remorse.

Keep safe, girl! (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

DAYZEE9

[Wants2Fly]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
First, try and not get yourself into that situation, so it doesn't happen again.
(((hugs)))

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm behind Sky on this one.

I am a former barfly party-girl, but clean and sober since the 80s. I was date-raped twice in drunk situations -- but long, long before there was term for it. I figured it was my fault for getting myself in those situations. I was stunned when I read a news magazine article in the late 90s identifying what had happened with this new concept -- date rape -- that made it not my fault. It was like a divine revelation!

Nonetheless, I take responsibility for the consequences of my drinking behaviors. I feel pretty lucky that I didn't wind up with my brains on the walls of some psycho's apartment.

Perhaps your discomfort is a cue to consider how you want to live your life. Then again, maybe not.

Take care

[hereiam]

This is the thing you guys: I DO watch myself. I'm careful about who I hang out with, and how much I drink. I only surround myself with people I love and trust while partying, and if I'm not certain about something or someone then I don't drink.

Sky, I don't mean to sound rude, but what situation did I 'get myself' in? I didn't get myself in any situation, I simply went to sleep. That's it. When I woke up, bam. I hardly consider that getting myself into anything, and I don't think I could have done anything to prevent it from happening considering all that I did was go to sleep. I forgot to mention this before but there was 2 other people in the room too. I was safe. Or, you know, I thought I was.

[Schatze]

Perhaps this guy is more attracted to you than you are him. He may seem like a big brother to you, but his feelings may be sexual and he's been hiding them from you. Alcohol, being the big inhibitor it is, may have brought out those feelings, not to mention he was drunk too.

If you feel like you can't confront him, then just be cautious and aware of the situation the next time your around him. He probabaly just got a little carried away, but I wasn't there so I may be downplaying this too much. Whatever you decide...caution, caution, caution.

Take good care of yourself,

Missi

[eskielover]

You probably won't like my response, but I am with Sky &amp; wants2fly.....when a person puts themselves into a situation that we are not in control of, anything is possible whether we like it or not.....&amp; things worse can happen whether we like it or not. It could be that he was in the same condition as you, but he knew what he was doing.

Guess I would ask myself if I wanted it to happen again &amp; whether I wanted to put myself into a position that it could happen to me again???? You actually got off lucky compared to what others have.

I am sorry that you had an experience like that. No, it isn't your fault, but sometimes the uncomfortable situations we find ourselves in are trying to teach us about ourselves.

In reality, you are the one that has to decide what you can deal with.

Please take care of yourself.

[(JD)]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I got wasted

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> oops sorry, back in my day this meant you were no longer in control of yourself. sorry I didn't mean to offend. but then... you also say </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I think I was still drunk when I woke up

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> and... </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
but I shudder when I think about it because I'm not sure what happened.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">...

If, as I posted, you have a talk with the guy and you determine things... like he did know what he was doing, you had been slipped a mickey... or such, then you can decide at that time what else you wish to do... I might suggest that you lock a door.. because obvious to me, not everyone there was someone you should love and trust...

[goofygirl]

I'm with sky and wants to as well. When you add booze or any other mind altering substance, the sweetest, most trustworthy people can become monsters... the shyest the most obnoxious... so on and so forth. And even if you start the night off completely surrounbded by those you trust, there is the possibility that others could arrive, and heaven forbid that your friends get preoccupied and don't catch those things. My friends got preoccupied that night that I came to on the brink of being raped... by someone who wasn't there at the start of the night. Anything can happen... and in the end, we end up victims because of our preconcieved notions that all will be well because we are with friends. It's sad and true.

We aren't trying to jump down your throat or blame you, per se... its just that although he was most definitley way out in the left field of being dead freaking WRONG, the thing that put you in a vulnerable state was you drinking and assuming that all would be well because you trust your friends when sober. Just be careful... don't drink until you are that far gone, because a hell of a lot worse can happen... I have horror stories I don't care to air in public!

((((Hugs))))

[Wants2Fly]

Hello Yes -- I didn't mean to offend, either, and I thought I was pretty careful to frame my experience in terms of me.

The reason it is called "date rape" is because we are with someone we like and trust. Neither of my date-rape situations even involved falling asleep with the males involved. Substances that distort our judgment were heavily involved.

Plus, I would add that the people I found likeable and trustworthy when I was drinking and using are not the people I find likeable and trustworthy now. In fact, as I cleaned up, those friends were no longer interested in me.

There is an old saying, "Birds of a feather flock together and so do pigs and swine." Mostly, we hear the first part of this saying, because it is a lot more complimentary than the second part. Also "lie down with dogs, expect to get fleas." I had to completely reorganize my external life and my internal consciousness once I came to grips with the notion that I couldn't go on living the way I was. It's not fun or easy to acknowledge that people we like and with whom we have a history may not be good for us.

If your friends please you, and this incident seems like an aberration, I would never, ever advise you to reconsider or reflect. Your life suits you and that's what matters!

[January]

Dear Yes,

The guy knew exactly what he was doing. You had no way to know it would happen and surrounded yourself in a what seemed to be the safest of enviroments. If you won't confront him, (and believe me I would, but that's just me), don't go around him anymore. If that means not partying with the rest of your group of friends, so be it. Your physical safety and emotional wellbeing are paramount. Do not underestimate this man or his intentions.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Hugs,

Jan

[hereiam]

It just hits really close to home regarding a seperate situation where kinda the same thing happened, except I was a 'willing' participant (aka, at the time I was voluntarily making out with the guy but I was smashed beyond my wildest dreams). The next day I couldn't remember all of what happened and was stuck wondering if I had sex or not the night before (there was some evidence it could have happened). Worst few months of my life, considering I was (am?) a virgin. After those few months I called the guy, after finding myself at the end of my rope, and he said that we didn't have sex. Still not sure what to believe... I guess that's why this is hitting me harder than I thought it would. Kinda brings back old memories. Thanks everyone for your responses.

[(JD)]

Take care yesitsme. Maybe part of your stress reaction to this last incident was due to memories of the previous. ((hugs))