[Parker10]

Hoping to hear something about the session, especially after reading your " I am going to be sick" post ......are you OK ????

[wi_fighter]

I called an impasse since I just can't work with the ex. Now the kids get their own laywer and the court decides what's in the kids' best interests.

He started in with his denial of things we've discussed regarding the kids, told me that waving me away with his hand and saying "pffft" is "the best way to answer you." I called him on something that we've discussed over and over that he flat out denied and he finally said "Oh, yeah, I guess I did say that."

I told him his g/f is the one who called him a homophobe, not me, and that his daughter said he was racial profiling when he pointed at a guy in a turban and said he was a terrorist. But he says the kids said "Mom says you're a Nazi." The guy can lie so easily, it sickens me.

He just sat there with his dead eyes and flat voice, telling me his way is the best way but that he doesn't feel he's superior or condescending to me in any way.

I could lose the kids to him because he can talk his way out of anything, and that's why I'm feeling sick.

[nothemama8]

Shirley, on the other hand you could win the kids, the courts WILL listen to the children, never give up hope
Angie

[wi_fighter]

But I don't know if the kids will tell the truth. The kids tell me one thing, and then he tells me they said the complete opposite to him.

He bullied me during the divorce. I was emotionally weak back then, and the kids aren't even that strong, so he could bully them into saying what he wants the courts to hear.

My daughter says she wants to be with me full time. He says otherwise. I just talked to her last night and she said she wanted me to hire the lawyer for her so she could have a say.

I don't know who or what to believe any more.

[jmo531]

I am sure that your children are feeling very torn right now in the situation that they are in. To them, it might feel like they have to choose between the two of you and I'm sure they dont want to hurt either one of you. But I think, talking with your kids, getting their input and what your doing already is the best way to handle it. Your strong, your a great mother. Hang in there Shirley. I know its hard. I am always here for you if you need. Much love.

[Parker10]

I think i would believe your daughter. Hasn't he been proven to be a liar? There is a much higher % of Mothers being awarded custody than Fathers, so I would keep in mind that for several reasons you have a better chance of getting the children than he does.

Of course, I didnt know you when u were going thru the divorce, but you clearly state you are stronger now than you were then , when he bullied you during the divorce. And I don't really know you now, but I do know that you love your children, and want what is best for them, and from reading that horrendous letter from your EX, I think most of this is just an ego trip for him, another way of being controlling. The mediator will certainly have input, and hopefully he/she saw his "pftttttt" with u attitude !

Try and stay positive, do everything u can with your kids, and take him up on his written offer of you getting the children even when it is his week ! Its in writing !! Best of luck to you and the children, and it is very clear you have lots of support here !

[nothemama8]

Shirley, ya got to have faith in your kids right now, remember he's not a a$$hole he's the Whole *****

[wisewoman]

Shirley, it is very important for you to NOT SPEAK with the children about any of these matters. That could look like you are playing them. When they ask you for a lawyer, tell them the court is appointing someone and give them the phone number if they want it. Your kids have very strong voices and a skilled person will listen to what is said as well as what is not said. No discussions on the dad and the girlfriend. Assure them that you love them tremendously and will always be their mommy. Share memories together of fun stuff, or dumb stuff;(like the time my youngest fell and left a BUTT hole in the wall). Give them the right to be heard in their own voices by an attorney. Kids know the score. Be better then him, do not sink to his level and do not let him control how you feel about yourself. It's time you went to those women's groups so you can see you are not weak and you have great power. You are MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!

[wi_fighter]

I want to believe you guys, but this ***** makes me doubt myself so much. I'm even starting to wonder if I'm borderline because I can't have a functional relationship with this guy.

[wisewoman]

Please just hold onto the fact that you love your kids. We know you some here and you seem pretty sane. Your self esteem is invisable but hey, we will give you a boost. You have been a victim, you are no longer a victim, you are a survivor and a mother whose kids need her to be self assured and follow her gut on what is best for her children. My biggest regret in parenting was and always will be not following my gut. Could have saved a lot of my own heartache.

[LMo]

I agree with Wisewoman...

i'm sorry that i havn't been on much today. robert and i moved oodles of stuff.

how do you feel this evening? i hope, better.........xoxo pat

[wi_fighter]

Right now I'm feeling guilty. I feel like I'm being stubborn just for the sake of it.

I feel more like a monster than a mother.

[LMo]

Shirley! None of that! For crying out loud, you're a great mother!

I'm proud of you, no matter what. It takes a lot of courage to deal with a, ahem, person like him.

[wisewoman]

Oh Honey, I wish I could help. Please call a domestic abuse hotline and process with a warm voice on the other end of the phone. If you were being stubborn you wouldn't have gave us his letter to you. You are confused, angry and scared, did I miss anything in there, wanna add a few........? Be nice to you please. Give yourself a hug. I mean it, cross your arms across your chest and hug and pat your shoulders in rythum and say, I am good, I am a loving parent. I am way bossy tonight, sorry. Son gets mad at me for trying to fix things. So I should say instead to you, I am sorry you are having so much self doubt, it will change. Rest well.

[(JD)]

The children need their own therapist... one who will see through what they are saying and account it to truth or from being abused. Do your best.

you're a good mother. don't think that and don't say it....xoxo pat

[wi_fighter]

They aren't being repeatedly abused. He's being watched now, so he just threatens.

My daughter said he's hiring his own lawyer so he can make me look worse than I am. That's what he told them I'm doing to him.

I feel like I'm holding on to an electric fence. My whole body is buzzing and I can't shut my mind off to sleep. I just want what my daughter asked for - to be with me - and now I might end up losing them completely.

[(JD)]

Ok... pardon me if I don't say this exactly in the best words (I"m really depressed, ok?) BUT threatening IS ABUSE. AND I meant that by the children having their own T, they have an additional KNOWLEDGEABLE advocate before the judge about what is really going on.

Try to sleep. There's nothing you can do at this hour to change anything... and sleep will help you tomorrow.

[wi_fighter]

I know threatening is abuse. He doesn't think it is, though, so he said I'm lying and saying he's an abuser. He said he's never tried to bully me, too, and that I've always been emotionally safe with him.

I'm not feeling safe at the moment. I'm feeling manipulated, and that he's manipulating my kids.

Once, when my son was mouthing off to me, I gave him a tap on the cheek and told him to knock it off. Wasn't even enough to phase him really, but my daughter mentioned it again tonight. She said "all you ever did was ..... not like dad where he hit me with a belt."

What if it turns really ugly and the kids end up in a foster home because two supposed adults are in a pissing contest?

[Rapunzel]

(((((((Shirley)))))))) You can worry yourself sick with what if's. I'm convinced that you are a good mother and he is a bully. Just be yourself, and it will turn out ok. You are doing everything that you can. I know it's hard to turn off the worry. You need to try though. Have a nice warm cup of cocoa and tuck yourself into bed, or lose yourself in a good book or a movie if you can't sleep. Take care of you, ok? It will be alright.

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((Shirley)))))))))))))))))))

[(JD)]

I do understand your fear, really I do. We expect the system to work for us, for what is right, and sometimes it doesn't and you've noted that. But it does work most of the time, and we all have good wishes for you here... and for your children, that whatever is the best for them and you will prevail. It might not work exactly what you think you want, that's what I'm learning...but eventually it works out.

Make sure, especially now, that you don't talk bad about their father... no matter what... nothing... as you see how well he magnifies wrongs in others. He sounds so classic, I have trouble believing that eveyone else won't see through him too.

TC