I need some input regarding mediation

My ex sent this attachment to me late last night. I think a lot of it (most of it) is unreasonable. He has told me that he does not want my input regarding how the kids are handled at his household, and yet he's expecting me to follow his strict standards at mine.

I can't even keep the kids home from school if they're sick unless I get his permission first. I'm fully capable of reading a thermometer or determining if my child has vomiting or diarrhea that school is out of the question for the day. I find his demands ridiculous and out of line.

I didn't sleep all night long. I spent over an hour responding to his letter, and then thought better of it and just wrote "we'll discuss this in mediation."

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS
The things he said I called him in front of the kids are false. A Nazi? He said I called him a Nazi. His girlfriend called him a homophobe the first time I met her. He uses derogatory names for gays, foreigners, and blacks - turd burglar, corn holer, pillow biter, towel head, porch monkey - and my son is picking this up.

He says I run his family down. The kids will come to me and say things and if it's something that I've experienced or agree with their perceptions, I do not cover up that fact, but I don't go out of my way to put down his family.

He has a drunk driving arrest. He's hit my daughter and left a bruise and threatens her with repeated hitting to keep her in line. He has lied to me about his income.

Take into consideration the way his words would come out if it was spoken would be in a very condescending tone of voice, or else flat, as if our children are objects and not people.

this sounds extremely difficult. How do you stand it day to day?
yes, I think mediation could help...I hope it does.

I am so sorry you stayed up all night.
I tend to be sleepless and everything looks even worse when I've had no sleep.

your concerns for the children are important.
I hope you get some help and satisfaction from mediation.
G.

We've been to mediation once already, two weeks ago. He wants me to continue to give in to his demands as he feels he's the better parent. He thinks I'm too lenient.

I just added the document he sent me. I don't know if you saw it. It's long, and I had to read it last night at 11:00, or it would have been the first thing I saw when I woke up today.

It's false that he covers all of their expenses. He buys their initial clothes and supplies for school, and I buy them the rest of their clothes throughout the year. He consistently gives me his financial sob story and I'm tired of it.

Whew.........I bet your mediator is dreading the next session with "HIM" ! What a 'control freak'. When the children are with YOU, he cannot make your house rules. While I agree consistency is best for children, his restrictions about Doctors, medication, etc seem absurd ! Children must never be used as "pawns", and it appears that all his thinking is based on "what his contributions are" vs. what yours are. From ONLY reading what he sent you - and not knowing anything else about the situation - his main focus appears to be monetary and that he "FEELS" he is "SUPERIOR" to everyone. Perhaps he is superior in EGO, but I think you are by far the smartest.......letting him know that all matters will be handled in mediation !!!! Fantastic decision!!!!! IMHO - he was probably hoping to have a response from you that he could "use against you" in mediation.

I can imagine that you had difficulty sleeping last night , and hope that you feel better after getting some sleep. Again, IMHO - if he keeps up with documents such as the one you posted, the mediator is going to get a more and more negative feeling about him as time goes on. Do you have another appt with the mediator set up? I hope so, and I certainly would never agree to the medical issues he wants to be his way or no way ! I would also hope that somewhere in all this, you have requested that this "Wendy" not be allowed to make decisions about ANYTHING concerning your children (reading between the lines I think she is a live-in with a child). ALtho she actually COULD be a wonderful person, who is really a benefit to your children by being there (women usually don't want to see ANY child hit or abused).

Keep a journal, keep things as civil as possible, continue to keep your children's best interest first and foremost, and I think you will be OK ! He is showing his true colors, and mediators are usually pretty smart people - they will see him for what he is.

If your son uses any of those ethnic references in the future, I would casually and light-heartedly ask "Oh - my - thats not nice - where on earth did u learn that?" Then a nice open talk about people being different, how would he feel if someone called him, or his sis, or his Mom or Dad a name might help undo the damage.....without bringing Dad into the conversation.

I am so sorry you are going thru all this - and more so that the children are being used by their Dad ! IF your daughter ever got hit by dear ole Dad, and it left marks, I would call the police ASAP and have it all documented with pictures.

From everything I have read on this forum - I have always felt that your main interest is your children. Keep up the good work with your Mothering of them, be their safe place to fall when life gets tough. You have a lot of support here !!!!

Parker, we have another mediation session tomorrow at 11:30. He has a habit of sending me last minute important matter letters and wanting a decision immediately. Then he says I can't make a decision and he has to make them all. He doesn't give me enough time to even think about them.

He's paranoid that I'm going in his house alone, because my son used to have a key that he kept on his lanyard with his lunch card. He's changed the locks and won't let the kids have a key while they're at my place. He used to accuse me of going and stealing mail out of his mailbox. Felony anyone?

I'm afraid to let this reach an impasse where we have to bring in a GAL for the kids and be investigated. My ex can talk himself out of anything. I did call the proper authorities and have photo documentation of him hitting her, and Brown Co. Human Services said it was acceptable discipline. I was told he would be recommended to get anger management. He said they never told him that.

He keeps waving his expenses at me and telling me how he took on all the debt and I don't cover enough of the kids expenses, etc., etc. The only thing I don't cover is medical because HE wrote that up in the original settlement agreement. He wants things to stay the same because he knows he is in the wrong. It doesn't matter that my income has increased and his has decreased. He still makes more money. I just want what's fair.

You're correct on why I didn't send the original e-mail. He's kept e-mail from 5 years ago when the divorce was just starting, thinking he can use them against me now. I'm sure he didn't keep the ones where he would ridicule me, call me names, and then tell me he missed and loved me. He tries to paint himself as this perfect man without any flaws, full of every redeeming quality there is, and it sickens me.

Mediation only works if the mediator does. Remember, at any time either of you can say, mediation is not working, let's let a judge decide. If his demands are excessive, a judge will see right through them.... mediation is not for you to give in on everything, nor for him to demand everything.

If mediation doesn't happen, end it and go to court.

Sky, I'm just afraid that the court will deem him the better parent since he has all these rules in place and makes important decisions in a split second.

Its not that I'm a bad parent, I just have looser rules that are open for discussion and revision.

The mediator said a GAL will be hired and they will dig up all the dirt on both sides and the court will decide where the kids will live and who will have custody. I'm terrified that because I don't possess his people skills that I'll lose my kids and a substantial portion of my income.

I have nothing to add but ((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))))

I hope so much it goes better for you tomorrow

Hi Shirley, Please don't be afraid of a GAL, be honest with them, don't try to influence him/her. Only offer information directed to the questions you are asked. In other words, don't complain about the ex to this person. He/she should speak with the pediatrician re: medication issues and any concerns about who is or is not securing the necessary medical treatment. The racist thing is hard but if asked answer head on. You do not want your kids hearing these terms, you do not share those beliefs. People who act as GALs are usually pretty good at having a bit of common sense and don't be so sure he can B.S. his way through it. Mediation workd best if you can have your feelings and thoughts on the issues heard. If not, it does not work. Keep us posted please.

Holy moly!
I thought the letter was fine (very thorough, too) until I got to #5. Looks like he got kinda carried away there.

I know that you did the mature thing and replied that you will discuss everything in mediation, but I would probably, left to my own devices, draft an almost identical letter turning the tables. The part that really eats me is how he is dictating how you should conduct yourself as a mother. I would find it SOOOOOO hard not to rewrite the entire thing saying "I expect you to blah blah blah), putting it right back on him so he can see how condescending it is.

But you took the higher road. Brava. I wish you luck - he's a smart guy, but then again, you're smart AND tough AND beautiful. So you have a leg up on him!

Hey Shirley,

Just wanted you to know I'm in your corner!! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping things go well. but please think about this... no matter what happens-- you are not a bad person!!

Have you heard the saying " those you have nothing to hide- hide nothing"--- sounds like your husband is trying to hide quite a bit!! like in this statement:
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He's paranoid that I'm going in his house alone, because my son used to have a key that he kept on his lanyard with his lunch card. He's changed the locks and won't let the kids have a key while they're at my place. He used to accuse me of going and stealing mail out of his mailbox.

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Oh my gosh your ex- sounds very much like my mother here:
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He tries to paint himself as this perfect man without any flaws, full of every redeeming quality there is, and it sickens me.

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I can so understand that feeling-- I grew up with such phoneyness-- it sucks-- I'm so sorry your going through this. We're all here for you-- think of all of us right behind you when you're there tomorrow-- we'll be there in spirit! Take care and keep us posted.

Mandy

Thanks everyone.

((((((((((((Jeannie)))))))))
((((((((((((WW)))))))))
((((((((((((LMo)))))))))
((((((((((((Mandy)))))))))

LMo, you should have seen the letter I drafted but didn't send. It was very much pointing the finger back at him, but knowing his habit of hanging on to every stinking e-mail for years and years so he can throw it back in my face, going "Look, look how out of control you are" I thought better of it.

WW, I'm just.......aaaaaaaaaargh...........over this GAL thing. I don't want our entire summer eaten up with legal issues. And I'm totally p*ssed off that I feel like my every move is being watched by him. Cripes! Can I give the kids Tylenol when they have a headache, or do I need to clear it with him first?

Mandy, the part where he said I implied that he pumps the kids for information, what I was referring to was if they went to a counselor it would be inappropriate of him to grill them about what they talk about. Counseling is where they can go and feel safe to talk about anything and not worry that he or I will hear about it. I swear he's afraid I'll find something out about him that's not so redeeming.

He told me he was afraid of our son because he threw a temper tantrum and that he needed to come live with me possibly full time. He said if the kids didn't like it after his girlfriend moved in, they were welcome to stay with me full time. Now that the legal system is involved, he's retracting all of those statements, and I can't do anything about it because it's strictly he said/she said.


He took all my requests, turned them around, and inflated them. I'm saying his demands are even more ridiculous and I won't agree to them, which means he gets out of agreeing to any of my requests. It's a stupid game of chicken is what it is. He's expecting me to jump out of the way first again.

Dammit, I just started crying out of nowhere. I feel like I'm being such a burden to my kids right now, putting them through this. I feel like I should just hand them over to their dad and walk out of their lives for good. I'm not doing them any good right now. I can barely enjoy my time with them because I worry that the ex will deem it unsuitable and try to hurt me with it. I can't even talk to them openly about what's going on, because he finds out.

My kids don't deserve this, and I brought it all on myself. I was trying to help them, and all I'm doing is hurting them. They come to me and say things, and then they're dad says they tell him that they don't like what we talk about?

I've got stupid 8th grade graduation in 3 hours and I have to see him and who knows how many of his "extended family" while he puts on a phony act of being civil towards me. Then I have to sit for 2 hours with him tomorrow while he tears me down.

I don't know how I can get through this.

Actually, his "demands" really aren't that bad... but what pissed me off the most is him demanding that you obtain his written permission for medical stuff, but then turns around and says "and I will extend the same COURTESY to you". Courtesy? He's giving YOU a "courtesy" but you are REQUIRED to obey him????

Dammit, I wish I could go to the mediator with you. It's so much easier to defend someone else than it is to defend yourself.

You CAN get through it. Just remember to take the higher road at all times and preserve your dignity and you'll do just fine. Phony acts work in your favor in situations like this -- be the nice guy to his face. Don't give his family any ammo.

Hang in there WI - u are NOT a bad Mother, YOU have not caused their Dad to be unreasonable with his demands. I can understand your feelings about the Courts appointing a GAL - however, that person would look at NOTHING but what is best for the kids. They would not go into the issues in that letter from your Ex, except the ones concerning the kids. But - lets hope the Mediator can work the 2 of u thru this rather than it having to go to the GAL issue.

You get yourself to that Graduation with your head held HIGH, knowing we are with u in spirit. Enjoy the celebration of this accomplishment for your daughter, and yourself (cause obviously the DAD isnt as "into" education for them as u are. Dont let him or his family take away from this time ! You have as much right to enjoy this celebration as they do !

Please try to stop thinking about what your EX wants/likes/ deems appropriate - just be a good, loving, caring Mother. Your children are getting to the age THEY will know who it is that truly has their best interests at heart, and they LOVE you.

I do not think a mediator will allow him to spend 2 hours tearing you down tomorrow - if they allow that, petition the Court for a NEW mediator ! That is NOT what a mediator is for - nor how one should conduct a session.

Keep us posted !

How utterly and covertly demoralizing to think to require by order of the court that you should receive his approval to respond to the kids cold or allergy or insect bite. Does he think only upon a tsunami is it ok to let you have carte blanche to minister to thier needs and problems? They've lived this long and so have you so you must being doing something right- even in the absence of a volcanic eruption in Wisconsin. "life threatening" indeed! He threatens the very spontineity that makes human beings relationship-oriented. He speaks in the clinical language of human once removed .

Thanks Parker. I made it to graduation and survived. I managed a giggle inside because the ex's girlfriend styles her hair similar to Donald Trump with a swooping over-sprayed comb over. OK, OK, I shouldn't laugh at other's misfortune, but she does it on purpose.

Kathy, you are one observant lady. I got both a good laugh and a warm fuzzy. Sometimes it does feel like I'm talking to a machine instead of a person.

WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO - so glad that u went and lived to tell about it !!!! I know your daughter was thrilled to have you there.

I am having a great time imagining that hair do ! Distraction is a wonderful thing when we are in the midst of unpleasantness ! Glad her "do" gave u a chuckle !!!!

Donald Trump in DRAG.....how fantastic!! i bet you nearly burst out laughing when you saw the "do".......she and the donald were separated at at birth, no doubt! i'm proud of you..very proud.

the little dog is barking in support of you for tomorrow.

you walk right in that room, like you own it, and sit down and talk with respect for yourself and your children. everyone has commented upon him being a control freak, etc. etc. so, i'll just say that i agree with everyone. and he's a freaking jerk!! xoxo pat

I still feel like I'm somehow delusional and I'm imagining his controlling tendencies. He denies them, so of course they must be false accusations.

I sent you a PM

You are not delusional - you POSTED his letter - we can see that he IS a controlling person, who has an overly inflated ego, thinks HIS way is the only way.... or are we all delusional ???? :-)

I agree with Faye - walk into that meeting tomorrow with your held held high , state your opinions, and don't let him intimidate you ! He is ONLY human. And keep in the back of your mind while sitting in that room, there are MANY of us from this site sitting right behind you in spirit - and keep that hairdo in mind, so if things get tense - you can distract yourself with the vision !!!!

I'm gonna be sick.

wi,

how did the mediation go?

((((((((((((My Fellow Cheesehead ))))))))

You poor woman! Isn't there a lawyer in this picture on your side? How about taking the kids to Social Services if they are willing to tell them about the abuse? (it would great input!) How about "drafting a letter" to Child Services and/or the courts?

I'm just going by what I remember when I was in Police Sciences (read a lot of law books )

More details? I still know where to catch up on the Law guidelines!

Who is stuck w/ child support? RSVP? Hang tight, WI
I'm right behind you!

DAYZEE9