my world has just been blown apart.

This is my first post, so if I do anything wrong, please correct me.
Yes this post is extroadinarily long, I'm sorry.

I am a 25 year old female, I suffered physical abuse at the hands of my biological father when I was a small baby, as did my mother and my brother. My mother left him when I was nine months old. She married my stepfather when I was two and he has raised me since. I was always told the story that my biological father was a troubled man with a violent history, but never informed on any details. When I was a teenager I found out that he had been arrested for mansalughter after he bashed a man to death. This was a hard time, but I moved on. Two years ago I began to suffer panic and sleep disorders, fits of anger followed by self harm. I couldn't find any rational explantation for these events, they seemed to be un triggered. I went to see a psychiatrist who said I have control issues caused by trauma and that traumatic events around me as a baby while my brain was still developing means I cannot deal with stress the way a functioning adult should. Whatever. I'm a tough girl. I moved on, I got over it.

Yesterday I finally decided to get my own answers about my biological father, I googled him and managed to find his court records online. I discovered that he was in fact a convicted murderer and rapist, my mother met him in prison, she was a teacher and fell in love with him.

I was concieved while he was still serving a sentence for raping and murdering a young girl and burying her body in the bush. I am spinning out, my world is splitting at the seams. I have never felt so vulnerable, exposed and defeated. I don't know, how I should feel. I don't know who i can talk to, no one seems to understand. I feel guilty, like I am assosciated to this crime somehow, although logically I know I'm not, I feel pathetic for feeling this much about something I can't change. I feel like I need to suck it up and get over this before I become a burden to those around me. I feel like if I have children now I may be passing on defective genes. I feel angry that my mother kept this from me. I am lost. I need control.

Hi justlost. It seems that you have a lot to deal with. Are you in any form of therapy to help you deal with these feelings?

I just wanted to welcome you warmly to PC. You will find lots of support and friendship here.

Thank you Sabrina for the welcome. I'm not currently in any therapy, it's something I try and avoid at all costs, however I have booked an appointment. I think this is something too big to deal with on my own.

Hello, justlost. What a horrific discovery. I hope soon you are able to sort out emotionally what you already logically know: You are the victim. You have no role in what happened to you other than as a victim.

I expect your mother will be a harder issue to deal with. I suppose a process akin to grieving will be part of your life. I hope your therapist is able to expeditiously move you forward.

Good luck.

Hi Justlost,
I agree this is devastating news to find out about your father. I know it would have been better to find out from your mother, but I think she was struggling with a tough decision. It's very difficult to tell your child that her father did the unthinkable. She was faced with a lose/lose situation and I'm sure she agonized over her decision many times. I wonder what made her want to be involved with him??

You ask very reasonable questions. I think you should look into his back ground - he obviously had anger problems - was he a psychopath? Is there a genetic component? Where is your father now?

I think you really need a therapist to talk to. I think you're justified in feeling blindsided by these realizations and you need time to digest all of this. You also need to find answers to your important questions. I don't think you should feel guilty for your fathers deeds. You also don't want to let this consume you, but you also don't want to sweep your feelings(suck it up) under the carpet. Please find a good therapist to help you and you'll find alot of support and understanding here. PC can be like your own personal journal and there always someone who'll listen.

That thought had crossed my mind, that's sort of what it feels like, and I don't know why. I don't have a therapist right now.

Hello & Welcome, Justlost!

Wow.
Personal Opinion: With feelings, there is no "should". They come and we just have do the best we can reacting to and channeling them.
I'm inclined to believe infants' minds are exceptionally active. They record memories in their own way even before language is learned; those memories are no less real and powerful just because they weren't encoded in adult terms.
You've learned quite a bit about your biological father. Have you gone beyond the above details to get a picture of his childhood and upbringing? What of his parents?

Edit: The above posts say it all better. Try not to be afraid to seek help.

Hi, justlost. I'm so sorry you're having to struggle with this horrendous news. Sounds like some of what you are going through is just plain/painful shock! I don't think there's any place in your scheme of self for what you discovered.

Genes rarely cause behavior 100% and any children of yours would only have 1/4 your father's genes too. Remember how well you have come out :-) and you are half your father. I think like the psychiatrist said, a lot of your problems came from your actual experience with your father when you were so young. My mother was had a brain tumor from two years before I was born and died when I was 3; I have various "quirks" from that experience and being in utero when she was ill. But, as I think you've seen, one can, to a certain extent "get over it" and move on.

I highly recommend seeing a therapist, that is what has most helped me. I hope the painful surprise of your discovery blunts some too soon so you can work with it, see what's "actually" there and what/if anything can be done.

JustFoundOut

Details aside, it sounds to me both your parents were very passionate people. Neither one of them wanted to live in a cage or be pulled around on a leash.

So............you take it from there. Good luck on your journey.

I tried searching through my past and noticed a distant relative died very young - cause of death "hit by a train." That didn't give me much medical information.

1. Was he on the train, and it was hit by another?
Why did that train hit him? Was the engineer tired? Why?

2. Was he suffering from depression, so much so he decided to step in front of a train?
Why was he depressed? Did he have an undiagnosed disease? Why was he alone?

3. Was he completely inebriated and simply stumbled onto the tracks for a quick nap before going home? Or was that just the place where he could walk no longer and decided to give it up at that point? Why?

4. Was he just an idiot who didn't know how to walk straight, may have stumbled on the tracks, hitting his head and rendering him unconscious? Why didn't anyone notice the man sleeping on the tracks? Why was he an idiot?

Who sorts out and cleans up this garbage? Strangers.

It's easy for strangers to explain others by examining their garbage. Only YOU will know the truth.

From where I'm sitting, it sounds like both your mother and father loved you dearly - so did your stepfather. They tried their very best.

Soooooooo.....is THIS your family? It ain't MINE!

((((justlost))))

Thank you for sharing with us. That took a lot of courage and I am honored that you were able to share this with all of us. I am sorry that you have lived through this and I validate what you are feeling. I am glad you joined us here at PC and I hope you find many friends and lots of support and encouragement here. It is here, for I have received so much from so many wonderful caring people. So welcome to PC.

I do hear what you are saying. Please try to get into therapy for you deserve to get help and to be heard. They are skilled to help us get what we need to get out and to feel what we need to feel. You are taking steps to get there. This was one of the biggest steps and I am proud of you for this.

I can understand how you feel in so many ways. For me, I split off many times to be able to live. It is not easy finding out things and it is not something we can understand. So many times there are no reasons or understanding. The hurt and fear you are feeling is normal. The lost feelings you have are normal. And you are important and it was not your fault. We many times need help to try to unravel the past. You are not a burden.

Please try not to tell yourself to just get over it. That is not the case. For so many years I was told the same thing and if we could just get over it we would. But it hurts and it affects us in many ways. You will get over it when you have dealt with it and get out all those feelings within that have a right to be heard and listened to. You have a right to be heard and listened to.

I know the feeling of wondering about having children and passing things along, but you can change that and be the one who breaks that mold and starts over. For I did and I did not hurt my children. Things will get easier as you work through them and then you will be able to move forward knowing all could be well in your future.

Thank you again for posting. Please keep reaching out and sharing. Try to get to therapy if you can. Know that we are here listening and reaching back with open arms. You are not alone. You can PM me if you would like to talk or just need someone to listen. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts.

dps

You been through a lot of stuff and Its ok to be angry at your mother she should of never fall In love with a guy like that he have a lot of issues and anger just talking about it will make you feel better .We are here to help you on here you can pm me anytime and I wish you good luck huggsNo i agree with you dont want to bring a family In this world and let them have issues so just try and get In couseling that will also make you feel better because Iam in couseling myself trying to work on my self .

I know therapy was suggested and you may try it, but you also said you get over things pretty quickly. I would say, at first glance of your writing style and thought process that you are a high functioning adult and probably don't need to worry about genetics for the case of having children.

Research what trauma to a baby can do and see if it's valid to how you handle stress. It seems like you are having a normal and natural reaction to a bad discovery about a past you had no control of.

I don't like my mother for putting up with my verbally abusive father and I have made posts about it here. What can I do about it, I've told them to divorce, live apart, anything to stop the misery of their arguing, but they must enjoy it.

Lots of research into good mental health suggests that pain must be acknowledged and kindof attacked until it turns into a positive thing. Researching better ways to have good mental health is a great alternative to just enduring a mystery of your painful childhood that you have no recollection of. If you can't afford a therapist, or don't like the experience I would say you are fairly strong enough to live how you were living, but at least tell a friend about this. Opening up is good and bad. Therapists are great but I know for a fact that most Americans can't afford to have one, unless you are disabled.

Justlost, I can understand that you feel as if you were complicit in your father's criminality by the facts surrounding your conception. Our parents are an important part of our identity, and we incorporate much of them into ourselves, at least , the pictures we have of them.
Yesterday i learned that one of my best friends here "lost" her husband. She threw him out after he had committed a horrendous crime and lied about his guilt for two years. He has been sitting in prison since i had heard he had "gone home". Her kids, and his, have been my son's pals, crush objects, and at times, adversaries; I have known them from the age of three in one case to now, jr. high..
We don't live in the village. I had missed all the gossip and my job kept us from meeting much. She too talks about this sense of being polluted, dirty. And the kids, oh God, those beautiful, firecracker kids!
Justlost, you are not your father or your mother. You have a different life, different experiences, and a different reality. You cannot steer who brings you into the world or how.
Still this is an issue which is bound to hurt. If you can't find a therapist, see what you can do about finding a LMFC or maybe a member of the clergy who would be willing to listen. And feel free to keep posting. I'm sorry to hear that you have been so upset. I would be too, if I had learned the same.

oh my gosh, i don't even really know what to say. i can't imagine what you are feeling, but i can relate in a way-ish. i'm adopted (from birth) and when i found my biological family i was shocked to find out that not only do i have a full-blooded 13-month OLDER brother, but my biological parents are MARRIED.

now, this is in NO WAY a comparison to what you are going through, but i completely understand that feeling of having the rug pulled out from under your feet. we tend to really base our identities on our parents and where we come from. sometimes, we have to make out own identities.

PM me if you'd ever like to talk. i mean it, we are always here.